Recovery Nation

Yes. Vulnerability isn't about being weak. That's the common association. Vulnerability is more about taking the risk to take a stand, to be creative, to step into the arena and stand firm behind your values and be authentic. Sometimes we lose, when we do this, but it doesn't mean we are losers for trying. From my perspective, the problem is knowing who that authentic person is, especially in addictions, so you can step into the arena. For the SA, taking the risk is frightening because there is a fear of rejection, but at some point it has to happen if a relationship is to survive. For me, this figures in big time in transparency and communication. Both partners need to take the risk that comes with vulnerability. It gets us where we need to go.

My husband was bullied, too. The skinny little kid on the playground in a tough area of town. He had a female teacher who bullied him, too, hitting him on the head with a pitch pipe because he couldn't carry a tune and then threatening to tell his uncle when he cried. His dad died when he was two so he felt cheated out of fatherly activities. His mom couldn't handle problems well so he never felt safe talking to her about his feelings - he learned to intellectualize instead, to work hard (which was highly valued), and to sneak things past her to maintain the "good boy" image. All of this contributed to his non authentic sense of self....and so the process began early on of finding ways to feel validated outside himself. He told me a few years ago that he always felt something was wrong, but he didn't know what. After DDay and five months of couples counseling, he went through a year of private counseling and came to understand that acceptance has to come from within. He also became aware of his huge anger issues with his mother and step-father, his valuing work over his marriage and family, his being caught up in the Victim Triangle. But he also started learning how to actively manage himself in healthy ways. He did this and RN at the same time. He is now 62 and feels he's finally growing up and discovering who he is.

Even knowing all the family background and feeling tremendous compassion for him, I still struggled with his very slow process in being open and honest with me - his need to still be seen as the "good boy." Giving myself the gift of patience was so important. RN has helped immensely with this. His shame has been a huge obstacle for both of us. Our couples counselor early on told him that he felt he was SHAME, and she worked hard to help him deal with his childhood issues and acknowledge his feelings. It has taken years for him to integrate this in his own mind and years to make peace with himself and his family. It's still in process, I think. Feeling like you are shame personified and not really understanding what that is - horrifying to anyone. Knowing that this begins in childhood - well - I think Brene Brown's book is a gift to all parents. It comes out in September and will probably be on Amazon - try our link.

Nellie James

Embrace the boredom

What an interesting topic!

Coach Boundless said

I agree that this is part of it but I think that what Coach Tim said below is the key.
Coach Tim said

I think that living in the present first requires us to gain control over our thoughts.

To me, boredom is just another word we use to describe a feeling, which is most often anxiety. If we are truly present, living in the moment (not reliving the past or thinking about the future), thoughts of boredom are not possible. But, as Coach Tim pointed out, this is more challenging than it sounds.

Just like anything that we haven’t done before, it takes practice. This is true for both addicts and partners. When my mind wanders to negative thoughts, whether past or future, I remind myself that I am in control of my mind. I imagine my mind as having an upstairs and a basement. When my mind begins to wander and I catch myself thinking of the past or replaying old, outdated negative conversations, I take that negative seed that is beginning to grow, visually pick it up and place it in the basement. I then plant a positive seed in the upstairs and concentrate on that thought. After practicing this for awhile I then found that I did not have to "replace" the negative thought with anything - I was back in control and I could then just focus on the present.

We humans are such complex beings, and what works for one may not work for another. Concentration on the now and remembering that our mind does not control us, but rather that we are in control of our mind, can be freeing.

Thank you for letting me share.
Hugs –
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

In a nutshell, that is the challenge. We get stuck in old patterns unless first we are aware of our thoughts and then, for me anyway, take action of some sort. I recently heard this: "When we are stuck, we are stupid. There is intelligence in motion." That comment really resonated with me. I am a doer. In a similar conversation about dealing with brain disease, another person said that he believed in "distraction." Healthy distraction is what he was referring to - finding his joy in painting and race car driving. His negative thoughts and his Parkinson's symptoms disappeared as if by magic. His brain took over in a different way. Very interesting to me - the power of our brain despite drastic brain disease.

What does this have to do with boredom? Well, as Itstimeforme pointed out, boredom is just another name for feelilng anxious because we are not living in the moment. We do fall into old patterns quite easily if we don't stay aware. I actually feel it first - then my mind starts to talk/think/recall - whatever you want to name it. For me, it's a that point that I have to make a choice. I am much better at this than I used to be.

Thanks for such a great forum. I love these exchanges.

Nellie

Bump.

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

This is an excellent post to bump Coach Boundless! My H recently found himself "bored" and in order to escape this boredom found himself acting out So I really would like for him to read this he has been clammering around the forum trying to find some answers and I think this will be extremely helpful! Thanks again,me77

_________________
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you – Unknown.

This is a great post to bump.

Looking at it today, doesnt it tap straight in to the centrality of values to RN? If we live, minute by minute, according to our values, we extract some form of meaning out of even the most mundane of activities. God (you think to yourself), washing up is dull. But it makes use of this moment, helps make the house look neat, earns the respect of my partner. Oh, and it gets the dishes clean.

I remember Keats advising Shelley to load every rift with ore. Fill every line of poetry with intensity and emotion. RN advises us to do the same with our time. Fill it with value - even if this is doing nothing. If we are aware of doing it, we can control ourselves.

Of course, we can't go charging seeking meaning every second. Our heads' would fall off. But, we can attach action to values, even if that action is taking time off to reflect, stare out of the window, watch pain dry. As long as that quiet time, that boring time, is fulfilling a positive value and we are aware of it, then it is of use.

The dark side is that sense of drift, where we stare into space with no end in sight - with no meaning. This is the state that leaves me vulnerable to darker day dreams. It is the direcetionless state in which my anxiety tends rise because I am not moving forward. In fact I am not moving anywhere.

I think having a clear direction is especally handy at the start of recovery. To know - second by second if needs be - what you need to do, how you will do it and how it relates to your values. As you gain in confidence, you can open up a little, try different approaches. But to begin with, be ruthless.

Shaw