Recovery Nation

i don't have that much time to write now, yet the title is a summary of the thoughts after a rather difficult and disappointing day.

i had a job interview today. it's been very difficult for me to do well in them, but i made this connection a few hours afterwards.

i realize that my mind is the center that manipulates everything. due to being a sexual addict for years, it pervades every aspect of my mind and distorts it. it does it so easily that i'm not even able to recognize it. for example, everyone knows it's important to show interest in the company by asking questions at the end...yet even though i did today, i didn't genuinely ask questions to show that i'm a top candidate who is highly interested in the position.

it may look like i'm lazy or even a rookie on the outside, but internally, my addictive mind is playing games on me and choosing failure without me even recognizing...it makes me choose to NOT ask questions and show a genuine interest when it is at the utmost importance. or when i was talking to that girl the other day and i started acting like a jerk, it manipulated my good/friendly personality to someone who wasn't worth talking to because i'm being such a jerk.

it's like there are these delusions in my mind, that immediately happen, without my awareness (until now).

but the interesting thing between all of this, is that there are thoughts in my head, dreams, and then there is my reality.

it's like i keep the thoughts in my head, my dreams, alive and well through fantasies, as a separation from my reality.

another example today. i saw a cute girl at the gym. i wasn't glaring at her or anything, just a glance, but immediately i recognize a million thoughts going on in my head in a simple glance: examining her to see if she'll fit my physical match as someone i could date, as someone who could be my girlfriend, or even with me forever, and take away all of the loneliness that i've had. of course, it doesn't feel like that, but i know these are the underlying thoughts.

but my reality in this situation is that i'm simply LOOKING at a girl, yet in my mind, i'm imagining as if i can be with her forever.

i know, day dreaming is common...you don't have to be an addict to day dream about pretty girls, but that's not the point...because this divide between reality and dreams is what has kept me in prison. and even though i've made progress, i feel like it comes down to this simple separation: what's real and what isn't.

and it's like i've always kept dreams inside of my head. for example, i fantasized before this job interview how FANTASTIC it would be to have in my life. i could have a more concrete schedule and be proud to finally be working in the industry i'm pursuing.

yet then, during the interview, why wouldn't i prepare a concrete list of questions to prove that i'm interested in them?

again, it comes down to this prison that i've locked myself in. i created the bars and the door and even threw the key out (now i have to find it). i've set myself up failure because i keep the dreams in my head and just...have been trying to break down the walls and make them a reality.

and it's fantastic to know i can make progress in the little parts of my life ie. with hobbies/smaller values. but to really break down those walls in the BIG parts of life (jobs, relationships), would be great.

it would essentially be a dream come true.

but to make that dream a reality, you have to understand what is preventing it from becoming real. why are the dreams just kept as dreams? what is going on with your reality and how can you take steps to make a dream actually possible? about making the "doing" instead of just the "thinking"?

it's time to start "doing" more. truly committing to the scary reality.

-lk

Dont you irked when someone says you are doing fine? You're on the right track? Well, sorry to say, nut i think that's the case. We try and try again. Your awareness of all this is commendable and a good sign. I have been in the same business for twenty five years. It is not glamorous...painting contractor. I had to work hard at a young age because of my family situation. I just kept going and trying and failing and getting back up again. Last night i was at a bid and gave the customer some advice that he appreciated. Got a $40,000 job. Things come natural and better over time. Just keep trying. I was single for 17 years after my divorce. Just waited and wtched really. Then i met a fantastic woman and we are married. Did not knock my head against the wall looking at that time. Just sort of waited. So yes, sometimes you leave things in prayer and wait and other times you move forward in trust and prayer.
Either way, you do the right thing as you go and better things come about. Practicing better thoughts and getting closer to God through it, i know that so much good is coming out of it. My ability to be more intimate with my wife and im sure eventually others as well, is already well on its way. Confidence that comes with honesty is terrific. Anyway, running out of battery power on my phone. Best to you lostkid. Let's keep it going. Better and better...in gratitude!!!!

Hi LK

Can I pick up one point for discussion? About the job interviews? What happens to make them difficult? How can you approach them with more confidence?

Perhaps we can help out here. Create some plans to help you along?

I like Win's point about practicing better thoughts- creating self-affirmations might be one way to build confidence.

I think another is to try to draw a line between your past addictive self and your new healthy self.



I know what you mean. There is a long hangover that continues for years - the sense of damage done, time wasted, the fear of the patterns returning. But I think at some stage we simly have to let it go.

A question that is part of my daily mantra is - why do I act contrary to my best interests? STOP IT!!!!!!

I am still in my infancy in countering this properly. But I think my old self simply holds the 'new me' back.

There is a high-wire act here. I never want to forget the dangers of addiction. Its ease, its speed, its short-term delusions. I dont want to take my eye off the ball - at the same time, my focus has to be on creating a different self - based on self-confidence, positive action (doing not preventing), independence and (dare I say it) happy.

I really don't mean to sound like a self-help cheerleader. I know we can sound vague sometimes. But this is where practical solutions come in - that are tailored to you, your situation and your changing moods and challenges.

I just wondered if we could suggest some help for LK here?

Shaw

Reading this reminded me of a time when my mother and I were on the rode to my college. I had a visual thought in my head excitingly and happily thinking of how a conversation with my mother about this one subject I felt anxious about talking to her at the time would turn out. I pictured the greatest and most possible outcome with struggles that I saw myself overcome in my head. I didn't start the conversation as I thought and planned. May have felt disappointed that day but I'm not sure if that was my reaction at the time. This happened years ago.

There is a lesson I learned that I'm so grateful to LK for bringing this topic into the forums, which I just so happened to picture in my head right now a thank you response from LK which I don't mind and further proves this lesson: this addresses the thin line between thinking and doing. Our past addict self may have spent an entirety in thinking mode causing nothing more than confusion and chaos, emotionally and psychologically. I may be thinking about doing something but i may not want to do it. The underlying problem I see for myself, whether this may apply to you or not, is my decision making skills in making values based decisions. Remember that coach Jon talked about emotion-based decision making. That This decision making came overtime as part of the addictive process. We have gotten so used to making choices by our emotions that we forget to look to our values and boundaries for assistance. Though it takes time to develop, I believe that as I learn to make values based decisions and strengthen my decision making skills, I'll most likely make more value based decisions than I did putting my head up my behind if you know what I mean.

Of course, someone like me who selfishly stuck his head up his butt without coming to grips to reality for all these years can be an example. And I mean literally keep it up there playing games constantly. I'm still working on myself as I'm still in the baby stage of understanding my problems and just getting out of it as I started looking at my own thoughts recently. Though I'm taking these words more seriously and proving to myself how well I manage events and how I'm progressing.

then I go back to the whole ignorance card thing coachjon talked about. And then there is absolute honesty. I have fantasizes about a lot of things but just considering my visual thoughts and perceptions, I just think it is not good to trust ALL your thoughts when ya have them. Besides, I'm learning to trust and use my values to their full effectiveness than most of my thinking now. Though I am still learning, as I get by, I'll manage as best as I can.

One thing I'd also say is that it matters if it is for your long-term needs and values. If it is value related, then it will take time and effort to get to doing things like that. If it wasnt, then it may not have been important to you which can be nothing more than pure fantasy and just a dream. I fell into that trap many times and it wasnt pretty. I think reality to me is based on those things that matter to us, our Vision and our new life in the values.

So just do your best and continue mastering those values you have. Depending how far you are, learn there is to know from the workshop. Coachjon said from an audio that the words from the lessons are meaningless unless you make them your own.

I may be talking outside the tenets of Rn here, but I wanted to share my thoughts on this issue.

I think that, as addicts, we've spent a hell of a lot of time in fantasy. Fantasy is where we have total control of things, the background, the elements, the outcome. It makes us feel good to have that control, to play out a scenario knowing the outcome. When it comes to real life, however, all of that control disappears. We have to accept that all we can do is play our cards and hope for the best, and that's scary. It's like fear of intimacy; The relationships in our head are perfect, and we never suffer rejection or abandonment (my issues), but a real partner holds immense power to hurt and reject and leave, so we self-sabotage. At least, I do. It's the same with following my dreams; in my head things work out for the best, but actually putting myself out there with my career opens up the possibility of failure and criticism, which is intolerable, and so I either don't try, or I self-sabotage, and then it's okay, because I never tried so I never failed, right?

For myself, as I move away from fantasy and obsession, and start living more in reality, that effect lessens. All I have left is the future, with little in the way of fantasy to compare it to, so not acting becomes failure in itself. The solution for me? Baby steps. I don't need to be successful today or tomorrow, but doing a little each day means I'm moving forward.

Your mileage may vary.

-Alter Ego-

_________________
This too shall pass.

The Way Out is Through.