Recovery Nation

I don't normally post questions, just kind of lurk in the background and offer advice and encouragement when I can. But today it seems as though I could use all of your advice and input.

It's been over four years of healthy living for me with no relapses (thanks to CoachJon and RN). It's something I'm very proud of and I've never felt healthier/happier and I've very lucky to be married to the love of my life. However recently I've been in sort of a dilemma. Part of my values list was building a healthy circle of friends. In the past I've always sort of thrown myself into a relationships and I've lost touch and grown apart from many friends because I just ended up ignoring them or making they a pretty low priority. And at times I'd feel a bit lonely and miss the camaraderie I used to have when I was younger. So for the last few years I've made it a point to hang out with the guys once a week. We get together and watch some TV shows (we'll normally go through a whole season and then switch to another show) and shoot the breeze.

Well there's one cable TV show we watch weekly that can be fairly graphic at times. I honestly just really enjoy the show (it's probably one of my favorites), the acting, the screenplay, the genre, the production. Everything is very entertaining to me. There's just the one downside of there being about 30 seconds of nudity in every hour long show. For me, it doesn't even really phase me after this many years of recovery. If I start to feel uncomfortable I just angle my eyes away from the TV and just stay cool and relaxed. Because the trigger is in the emotional response, not the stimulus, so I just don't let it illicit an emotional response from me and if I feel one forming I just clamp it down and I'm fine. And I just keep emotionally aware throughout so I'm not caught off guard. It's worked well for me for a pretty long time now and I haven't felt that the nudity has had an negative impact on me or increased my risk for relapse or anything of that nature.

But recently my wife has become aware that this show I've been watching with my friends has nudity in it and she's been frustrated with me. I've tried to explain to her that it doesn't phase me and that I'm watching it for all the other great qualities in it and just ignoring/looking away during the few scenes with nudity. I have a hunch that it might be some lingering doubts and trust issues due to my past, which I can't blame her for because I'm the reason why she's having a hard time fully trusting me.

But what do I do? Do I stop watching one my favorite TV shows in order to put my wife at ease? I am the one who did cause a ton of damage to our relationship and her trust so maybe I owe her that. And what do I tell my friends? I suddenly stopped wanting to watch one of my favorite TV series? They'd never believe that unless I had some sort of lie made up because I can't just admit to them "my wife is still having a hard time trusting me because I used to be a porn addict and the nudity in this show isn't helping her rebuild that trust". Or do I just keep watching the series and hopefully overtime as we continually rebuild trust she begins to really believe me when I say I'm not lusting over women in the show and I really do just ignore the nudity. It's just that it's come up a few times now and every time I try to reassure her that I'm not the same man I was four years ago I can tell she's still hurt knowing I'm watching that show.

So my question is, what should I do? I could really use some third party perspective on all of this. Thanks in advance.

Well, I think this is really a place for you and your wife to sit down and talk it through rather than rely upon our advice. I don't mean to be this way as a matter of course, but this is not just a recovery type of question, it is a relationship type of question, and that can be a very tricky place to find yourself when part of the discussion you have is, "Well, Pete from RN said this," or, "One of the Coaches said you should . . .." However, on a personal level, I will say it is a matter of course for me to fall on the side of what makes my wife comfortable in such matters. She is part of my recovery and I need to take her feelings into consideration.

That aside, I will tell you what I do. First, if I am in a movie theater or at a friend's house, I avert my eyes like you do. Second, when I can anticipate that sort of thing (and often times one can see the graphic segments coming from a mile away) I literally get up and excuse myself to go to the bathroom or kitchen.

I'd agree with Sandalwood. It's something you need to bring up with her. There's really no answer anyone here could give that would be better than the one you two come up with together.



Just bring up all these things as issues. I'm sure if you explain where you're coming (in terms of this being a dilemma), she will understand and you can come up with a solution together.

B

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

I agree with CoachSandalwood and CoachBoundless in that its OK for healthy people to do what you are doing. If you were single then you would be having no problem.

But...

...you are not single and your partner lived through your addiction and my personal, totally biased, opinion would be that your partner's trust is the most precious thing in the world and if I were you I would not tarnish any gains you have made with your 4 years of recovery for anything in the entire world. You know what, you might be right, totally right in that you are being healthy, you are doing the right thing, and no harm is being done. You can be very right and be very alone in self righteousness.

You should talk about this with your partner in a healthy way and let her know that you are not affected by the show what so ever but you should also affirm her feelings and skip this show. Let her know that she is not crazy or foolish for thinking what she is thinking and feeling what she is feeling. That she should never be embarrassed about having these thoughts and that if it takes another 4 years for her not to have them then so be it. You can stick up for yourself and show grace at the same time.

Like I said, this is just my totally bias opinion, take it with the honesty that it was given. Good luck!

Thanks for your replies, they were very helpful and yes I'm planning to talk it over with her again and put more thought into my dilemma. I appreciate the feedback! :)