Recovery Nation

Ya know, I'm starting to understand something that I didn't get before. Having been looking at how I was treated by people in my life, responded to by people in my life, and seeing how people in my life would do when i act a certain way has given me more insight about emotions and values. It was the lesson on "A Healthy Perception on Addiction" that has helped me put my addiction into a functional perspective. All these years I've spent my life seeking porn, masturbating, fantasizing, scanning, and much more as a means to gain the pleasurable feelings I would get when engaged. Then, there came the negative in my life, which was how I responded to others in order to maintain this dual-identity. How I looked at other people and believed all these years that others were "disturbing" me(the behavior's values/emotions) to keep these so-called behaviors a "secret". And yet the one thing that I missed out on when I kept trying to understand these lessons is that all those people in my life are living the life of balancing emotions and values. Intellectually, yes I got it, but functionally, no I didn't. Like right now, I feel like having much more empathy towards my own mother and father for the years they have underwent struggles trying to raise a family of five kids.

This came to light after doing that exercise asking people to reflect on what they learned for the past two weeks. When I suffered relapse starting last week to Sunday, I stopped to reflect on who I was in my vision to recouperate, but with curiousity I further looked back at my past recently trying to understand the introductions of my rituals. I learned that most of my rituals were introduced by nothing more than curiousity and accidental voyeuring. The lesson on perceiving our addiction helped me understand that my rituals had a pleasure/pleasure affect to my value system. That the first experience was pleasurable. Then it integrated into my value system. CoachJon made a good point when he mentions that even with introductions comes an array of emotions and values especially if it is at an early age. Porn started for me with curious on-looking after stumbling by several students I was with in middle-school looking at a playboy website which they wasn't supposed to. Besides, this took place in a library, so this would explain not only why they turned off the computer when the teacher's assistant came by, but also why i used such a tactic myself whenever I wanted to avoid getting caught looking at porn. Then there is Masturbation which started off by an accidental voyeuristic moment of my parents. Didn't know what they were doing, but self-exploration proved to be the way out for me to satisfy the feelings I had of seeing that "thing" being done for the very first time.

Over the years I've then used moments of "secrecy" whenever I felt negative emotions. The negative emotions all influenced my rituals by way of facing the possibility of getting caught. So I had been placed in dangerous situations or places where I could have been spotted or disrupted by somebody. But the thrill of it was so great that further stimulation added more to my rituals, so I continued with what I have done. But the rituals would need to function with that negative in order to work. I started understanding this more and used this knowledge to help me become more aware of moments when I start to feel and think in such a way that is not related to my values. Because of this knowledge, I became more familiar with the "addict" mindset. The need to "avoid" certain people. The need to drive myself into secrecy so I could "do stuff". This is how my rituals would function, with that need to be in a place of silence and isolation. And one of the reasons why my relationship with other people has stumbled on several occasions in the past. I had a disassociation and lack of emotional connection. Though i had some with a few, but when it gets to the "addict" mindset, it "feels" as though I could not feel anything with people or connect with them. Or even feel something to a point of backlashing or taking frustrations out on them.

This is now why it's important to have emotional maturity because when we have lived our lives in this way for so long, we have been taking our emotions for granted. Thus, when a situation arises and we don't use porn or any ritual to manage the situation, whatever feelings that come up, it is then that we gotta manage them and filter them through the foundation established since the beginning of the workshop. And without that maturity, situations would just be managed only by the emotions and not by a set of standards or values in our lives. The addiction manages and runs by the emotions.

So then I apply this to my relationship with other people, i start to see the negative affects of my addiction. The way I felt about my mother and few people at times has completely affected several values that I could have relied on. For instance, i found myself emotionally eagered to avoid my mother at times or even think negatively about certain situations as if something "terrible" is going to happen to somebody, but all that is brought forth to make the "addict" exist. To continue making these rituals protrude into existance. Then I see that in other people's shoes, they too have a value system and emotions to manage. And that is when the empathy arises to give me some sense of understanding on why other people act the way they do and their perspectives on life. It is how they developed their value system from the experiences they have gone through from their early life. It's something so simple that I just couldn't believe I have missed it. I didn't see it within the function of my addict mindset until now.

Oh well, at least I got it, but it's something I felt the need to be honest with. Though it will take some time to adjust myself to this realm of empathy and understanding as even emotionally, I want to have the attention to myself alot. I'm positive that this is something that might also benefit not just myself having gained this full awareness, but others who might stumble by this.

Interesting points Lift_me_up. I too hadn't really made that connection that every one else in the world is always working on managing their emotions, but perhaps in a non-cognizant way. And if they were lucky and built a healthy value system since an early age then maybe they weren't resorting to compulsive rituals, but they probably struggled at times with all of their stress, worry and anger. It's interesting to note that they probably aren't aware of their emotional management, it just sort of comes natural, just like how our compulsive rituals came natural to us. So while while we weren't as fortunate to have a value system since a young age, as a result we found this resource and now have a very thorough understanding of the inner workings of emotional management. That's a rare perspective to have. So I guess that's one benefit to having narrowly avoided self destruction.