Recovery Nation

This is a hard one. My wife and I are both estranged from our families, for different reasons. My parents divorced when I was in grade school and I never had a relationship with my dad (was always afraid of him). My mom loved us kids but I never remember her hugging me, kissing me, showing me any physical affection. She just couldn't, she was incapable, totally emotionally detached.

I remember once telling her about a time in the recent past that I was so depressed and alone that I almost killed myself. I had the gun, I got things in order, I wrote a note. Nothing. I got nothing from her telling her this. No emotional response at all. Heck, the reason I never told my mom of any of the problems I had growing up was because I felts she just could not deal with any of it.

The thing is, I am just like her. Its the "cats in the cradle" song but its me and my mom. I told my therapist lead group today when we were checking in that if I learned that my mother had died today, I not even sure I would cry. Its not that I have any anger or ill feelings... I just have... no feelings. This really bothers me. Maybe its just guilt. Maybe its me seeing that this is not normal and having this weird feeling about it.

Thoughts?

Hi HoneyCat,

This may seem like a very "counselly" suggestion, if you get my drift (I think you will after you read it), but for some reason I had this thought while I read your post. No need to do it obviously...only if you think you would personally get value from it.

My idea is, take the time to write a "Mother's Day letter" to her. In it, try to write out and express all of your feelings and thoughts about her and your relationship...be it in your past, your present, or your relationship in the future (or all 3). The good things, the bad things, what you wish had been (or would be) different, what you wish wouldn't change, etc. It does not matter whether you send it in the end...you could decide afterwards whether you want to get rid of it, stash it, or share it with her.

Then, switch roles..and write a response to yourself as if you were in her shoes, thinking about her own past experiences and trying to explain "why she was the way she was."

I've never done this exercise myself, but I think it could help...or at least get you thinking. For me, one of the things I've struggled with in my recovery is particularly my relationship with my father. He has always been very emotionally distant and high anxiety as well. However, I have been able to develop understanding and compassion through thinking about his own past...and looking at my grandparents, they were similarly distant, anxious, and not all that . So it is no wonder to me that he grew up learning that this is the way to be. Just like I grew up emotionally distant and highly anxious myself. When you start to understand this, it makes forgiveness much easier. Not that you have to or should forgive everything they did...everyone's still responsible for their actions and obviously not all ways that someone was are healthy or good...but it does allow you to see them in a more human light. And usually, looking back too, there were also a lot of good times too that I wouldn't trade away, even though the pressure I felt on me to succeed played a key role in the progressive development of my addiction.

Most likely, you have a lot of feelings bottled up inside around this issue, but don't know how to express them or let them out. We are led by example in our lives. If we grew up in a family environment where no one expresses how they feel about each other (or we can tell that such expression is not "real" and people are just nice to avoid any serious conversations), that's how we learn. After a while, those emotions just get pushed and crunched down into the recesses of our minds...but they're still there. Just like compulsive rituals, such emotions can have effects on our perceptions that we're not even consciously aware of until we change them. So it could be a good step forward in your life to explore this issue. It may result in a desire to improve your relationship; it may not. But at least exploring the issue will probably release some of the tension that is likely there, but that you don't feel right now.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Ya know, reading this post has got me reflecting on a situation that I've been having with my parents for years. At times, I find myself emotionally, and I mean EMOTIONALLY, not willing to let it go or at heads with it. I admit that I want some change to take place, so I'll stick to that change, but to rush in thinking that my mother may be the breadth of my problems is way out of line. I think that when ya put yourself in their shoes, you start to understand where they are coming from ya know. Though it may not be for sure how they experienced the situations they went through, but just understanding that they made a choice on their terms is just like the rest of us. Though I'm still learning, I've decided to become an influence in my parents lives especially my mother. I'm learning to be more open with my mother, communicate with her often, and so forth. Plus, I'm an adult and I used to always agree with her on a lot of things, but deep down I didn't agree with many of them, so I'm learning to speak for myself than to present myself as somebody I am truly not (which is the addictive mindset I carried all these years has created).

It takes time, but it will work out and eventually changes will occur with time and patience.

My father and I have a very strained relationship. Dozens of things have led to this. Some he was not able to control and others he could have handled better. I do place all of this on him because I can honestly state the problem has been him all along. However, that does not lessen the pain I feel not having had him in my life as a positive. This is what I finally did:

I simply forgave him and moved on. I moved on with the understanding he will never have the ability to see from any place of objectivity, the damage his decisions have created, nor will he ever really be the father I want him to be. I talk to him and treat him with cordiality and respect when we interact, I take the time to respond when his wife (my step mother) calls or interacts with us (though the two of them are both wrapped up in their own world) and then I leave it at that. I accept everything they offer at face value and refuse to read into their actions. All the while I know that while my father says he wants a more positive relationship with me, what he really wants is for me to pretend all of the bad things were not really that big a deal, even when one looks at them as a whole.

With Mother's Day coming up, give your mother a card and a gift, if that is something you normally would do, and stop worrying about what if anything your action will spark. If confronted directly, tell the truth. She is your mother, and a Mother's Day card/gift is what you do. It isn't ignoring the past, and you are certainly not forgetting the past. You are simply doing what you think is right. It sounds as if you are trying to whitewash everything, but it isn't. You are simply acknowledging to yourself there is nothing you can do to get your mother to change her ways, and you shouldn't waste your life trying. You need to start worrying about your actions and motives and not hers.

It is still difficult for me at times, but it is far less difficult than what it used to be, me killing myself to try and 'win' or 'earn' my father's love. Everyone except my father and his wife can see the uneven transfer of affection, but what they no longer see is me chasing after my father. I see him when I see him, don't avoid him, and don't get revved up when he does his little act. It's like a self-induced lithium pill to counter the bi-polar reaction I used to have when he was concerned. I am comfortable in the role I have created. He's the one who will some day have to reconcile with the reality between us which he created.

Rather than attempt some sort of analysis of you based on a three paragraph post, I'll tell you how it is for me and you can decide if any of it applies to you or not.

The feelings are there, but they're buried, repressed, shut out. They're shut out because I can't handle them. Which is why I'm here; my sex addiction is a direct result of me finding some way to manage an emotional state that I'm not comfortable with and seeking to avoid. And I've spent so long not-feeling that it's extremely difficult to let those feelings in - they get automatically pushed out.

That's the model I was taught from an early age - emotional expression ain't welcome here so don't do it. Whenever I ask my Mum how she feels about something, she starts the sentence with "I think...". They value intellect my family. Live long and prosper.

Is your mum good with the practical things? I think that's how my family express their love, by doing things for each other. Cooking a meal, having a bed made when I come home. Although she's been in total denial of my sexual addiction (and zero support to my wife because of that) when I had a collapse in 2007 she was packed inside 10 minutes and made a 3.5 hour drive to help. It was her 'area of expertise' - it was something she could deal with. So, that's her. She has her strengths and her weaknesses, as we all do, and I accept that.

There's another side of the coin. I wouldn't say I feel that close to my Mum. We have a good relationship, and I know she loves me eg from the rushing to help when she was able to. I don't know how I'll feel when she dies. I handled my brother dying, I'm fairly sure I'll handle her dying. It might hit me later on, of course. Society tells us that we should feel close to our parents....but if we don't....well it's probably worth exploring if that's due to some sort of repression or perhaps we just don't. Maybe that's OK. If it's true, well that's where we are. We don't have to stay there, relationships can always be developed. But that's where we start from.

Well that's my rambling tuppenceworth.
Guided

Thank you for your replies and suggestions.

I talked it out with my therapist lead group also and taking from them and you on RN, here is my plan...

* Send a M-Day card and note that I have a letter following later
* A few weeks later send a letter that is not too long but notes that I would like to have a honest and meaningful conversation with her about our relationship, our feelings, and what we would like to have happen and see if she is open to that.
* If she is open then give her a call, talk about important things and emotional things but don't go too long or deep and test the waters and see if she is open to more.
* If she is open to more then call her more and try to develop some sort of intimacy
* If that works out then visit her in the fall when I am down in Florida

I know that I am taking an emotional risk and that risk is that I will be disappointed with the results. I don't even know if I need a relationship with my mom because I never really had one that was not surface and superficial but I also never had a real intimate relationship with my wife and after I now have that in my recover and how wonderful that is, maybe I can have something like that with mom.

Recovery is about taking emotional risks, feeling your feelings even when they hurt, and growing and allowing others to grow with you or not grow with you and accepting that. I am allowing myself to hope that it will turn out OK but am prepared to feel the feelings of rejection.