Recovery Nation

I wrote more in individual recovery thread if anyone is interested in reading -- but this is the summarized version.

Do you sometimes feel like you're at a point in recovery where you don't know where you are?

Like I know I've moved away from my porn addiction because it just doesn't have nearly as much power over me. I can watch it, masturbate, and my world won't end. It's more of an annoying thing than anything because it will sexualize my mind for a bit but then diminish -- not to say it's good for me to do this often or at all --- but that I don't have to fear what once controlled my self-sabotaging lifestyle. It should also be noted that I started seeing pornography (about 2 months ago) after achieving abstinence for over a year and began the process of relearning my sexual identity through healthy means via masturbating solo; however, pornography was of course part of that initial process due to prior experiences with it (and when i mean seeing it, i mean only a few times over 2 months --- no porn bingeing). but now I've learned porn can't ever be a healthy part of building my sexual identity, even though I know I will most likely be tempted to see it again in a few months/year to see the type of effect it will have on me --- and to know that i control my life --- and not this substance.

But I still have sexual fantasies. Now I know the most important part is addressing what is causing the escape? What do you fear in your reality? I've gotten pretty good at almost immediately recognizing what is making me afraid once I have fantasies and understanding them and then making a change in that moment --- but just the awareness is always the most important step.

I guess it just frustrates me how this process of recovery is a commitment for your life. It frustrates me how I thought I would be past over this in a year and I would have a new life.

In a way, yes, I don't need porn anymore. I've built up a solid foundation for myself to grow.

But that doesn't take away the fear or the pain that I ignored my entire life (24 now) until 2 years ago. and maybe I just need to give myself time, and a pat on the back for facing my inner demons.

Hi lostkid,

First of all, I'm sure you know by now that no one can really ever tell you where you are in your recovery. It's something only you can figure out as you progress in deepening your understanding of yourself. So the rest of my answer will of course only be in terms of generalities.

From what I can tell, I think I understand where you are though, as I have dealt with this myself over the past year. It does sound like you are more or less over your addiction, and that you are dealing with some of the struggles of rebuilding your skills and shoring up some of the deficiencies in your identity that your addiction was covering up. This is an important stage in ending the addiction permanently, as it is that lack in skills that becomes brazenly obvious when the compulsive behaviours end.

Of course, one thing to remember here is: there is no addiction. Not really. The addiction was only a series of complex behavioural patterns, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, etc. But the reason this is important to realize is that, there was no separation of the addiction from your life. Just as there was no separation of recovery from your life, and no separation of life from life now. It was only within your perception that such a separation existed; your life flowed on then, and it flows on now. So instead of seeing yourself as "ended the addiction"...which can result in disappointment, since your life may not be what you've imagined it yet...see yourself as a continual work in progress, moving ever closer to clarity of mind and your life as you want it. See yourself as continuing to grow endlessly. As you keep confronting fears, other more minor compulsive rituals will end and other thoughts will keep popping up. As you continue to work hard on eliminating your anxieties, fears, and insecurities, and developing your life the way you want, you will become progressively more confident until you start to realize that you are actualizing the life vision you'd imagined.

It's normal (at least from my experience) to feel like you are over your addiction, yet still be dealing with certain compulsive behaviours (like fantasy). The difference is that you now have all the requisite tools necessary to determine why you are doing this and put an end to it (of course, if you still have the motivation to do so).

In terms of dealing with your sexuality...I have similarly found myself that there is a re-learning process necessary. Over the past year, there were two times where I looked at porn by choice, and afterwards determined both unhealthy and healthy intentions, and healthy and unhealthy consequences. The healthy consequences of this were a continual refining of my sexual boundaries, which, after the second time, was a decision from a fairly confident place that porn had no place in my life. Of course, that's my decision; you must do what is right for you. I would also append a disclaimer here that for those in early/middle recovery, I would NOT recommend doing this until you have developed a good foundation for your own identity and are into late recovery/health...as the allure of going back to porn/MB or your other compulsive behaviours can make it easy to think you're "working on my sexual boundaries" while in actuality you're still acting out, and result in more self-deception or destruction to your life.

When doing this from a healthy place, of course, you will be considering the ramifications for your whole life, rather than just the immediate emotional experience...thinking about things in terms of risk/reward, the long-term consequences, the potential value you get versus the potential damage that could occur to your other values. Basically, the difference is that you do not do it from a place of ignorance and a blindness to consequences, but that you rather maintain sincerity, honesty, and especially awareness at all times. Because it is a re-learning process, even by maintaining awareness, you can realize after the fact that you screwed up and missed something (as I did). In that case, you still just take responsibility for your decision, both positive and negative consequences, refine boundaries, and move on.

In regards to you using porn...from this post, I can tell that it is still a decision that creates a bunch of anxiety and uncertainty in you, as evidenced here:



It's easy for me to see conflict here in your ideas around this. You can't really have it both ways here: yes, you should not take a black and white approach, but if you acknowledge that it is damaging to your sexual identity (which you did again at the end when you said it makes you angry that you objectify everyone) yet do it anyways...well, it may not require a black and white approach, but there may be a "right decision." It reads like a subtle justification to me, or you aren't fully acknowledging all the consequences. You are free to use porn as you please for example, but you must consider and accept the consequences of doing so...in which case, if a value you're trying to build is to learn better communication skills and improve your relationships, yet you're engaging in something that you're aware makes you objectify people...well, I think you can figure out where I'm going here.

Again, in this area, you really must do what feels right to you...and I don't mean on a superficial emotional level, but rather on a deeper level, the level of your morality, your entire life vision, your concern for your future, etc. Trust yourself (which I can tell is an issue you're also still struggling with). If it's something you're not comfortable with, I'd suggest holding off for now until you feel more stable generally.



True, pornography isn't really the problem anymore...though it could continue to mask the real problems, which lies in your fears and insecurities. That is really where your awareness needs to be. What you should be doing now is targeting your underlying fears and insecurities, and determining ways to eliminate them for good, either through value development or the extinguishing of underlying negative thought patterns (or a combination of both). This is how you really truly say "goodbye" to the addiction.

You are now at the point where you've transcended your addiction and need to start seeing your life as a constant pattern of growth, as constantly becoming more confident in who your true self is and where you're going with your life. That confidence comes out of eliminating your fears, insecurities, and anxieties, which can be done using the same tools and skills that the workshop taught you.



Why don't you trust yourself? I think this is a big issue for you--one that likely goes far beyond your sexuality to many corners of your life--and something you should keep exploring in more depths. Ensure that your focus isn't too laser-like on your sexuality...as I have found that many of these larger core issues run much deeper than just sexuality, even though they affect it. Confront the deeper pattern, change your perception, and the part relating to sexuality will resolve itself more naturally.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

EDIT: Heh, you edited your post as I was writing this, now making me look like I'm discussing a ghost post. Meh, everything said still applies.

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

CoachBoundless is correct. It takes an honest look at yourself, for yourself to say where you are, and I don't think it's anyone else's place to say. I mean we could throw out terms like early recovery, middle recovery, and so on, but that really doesn't mean nearly as much as it will coming from you, so long as your answer is honest. I also don't think the answer matters if you are being honest in your answer, you are actively working to make your recovery a reality, and you are working for yourself. If you have those three things, then you are doing fine, and no matter what you find, it is obvious you are already healthier than when you began the process.