Recovery Nation

And, I'm back. Not that I ever really went away (and I certainly didn't stop trying to hold my ground in my healing, even though I did give myself permission to stop pushing forward so hard for a bit)... but now I'm back.

Where am I now? Well, I still hurt like the dickens, but I feel a little less tired. But I also feel refreshed. It's like my hands got so covered and crusted and layered in the mud of this struggle that I couldn't use them effectively anymore, and I went and washed them and rubbed in some hand creme and now I am ready to dig in again.

And I kind of feel ready to take a fresh look at stuff. I haven't reread my more recent postings (lately) because I am trying to keep a relatively clear head.

Situationally, nothing has changed. I'm still living with my SO, trying to make it work, having good days and bad days. I will say that he outdid himself in honor of my recent birthday. He took me out for one of my favorite foods the day before, cooked me one of my favorite foods day of, and took me and the kids out to one of my favorite restaurants the day after. And he baked me my favorite cake, which we then took over to his family's house to include them in the celebration (they tend to not include me as "family" much, I think because we are not married). He even made everyone sing to me.

Still, there are some moments of invalidation, passive-aggressive stuff, interruption, intimidation, and other crossings of my boundaries for sane communication. On good days, I point this out and he listens. On bad days, I point this out and he then busts out the blame-shifting, table-turning, name-calling, and other assorted crap. It is still really really hard to hold my ground against this stuff, and I often fail. But, thanks in part to Coach Mel's recent post about the learning process, I am feeling better about my ability to practice, practice, practice.

I am renewing my commitment to my vision. I don't have to "stick the landing" the first time. I can stumble, as long as I keep getting better at it.



Pitfalls/Stuggles/Stuff I want to change:

Internally, the roller-coaster hasn't had many ups lately. Mostly just times of neutral or slightly better with plenty of moments of rage, grief, loneliness, battered self-esteem, and really bad body image mixed in. I still get swept up in the pain and self-loathing way more than I had hoped I would be by now, like a couple of times a week, at least.

Sexually, I want to get back on the horse, as it were. I miss feeling good that way. But aside from twice in the last month, we have abstained from anything that might cause J to orgasm since February. Now he is (ostensibly) not MBing at all, so he has had 2 orgasms in the last 4 months. (I feel bad for him, but not too bad.) Yet, I still feel bad about my attractiveness. I still feel fat and old and saggy, and I haven't found a way to banish those comparisons from my head for long enough to generally enjoy physical intimacy (even hugging often feels too invasive). I want to feel sexy again, I really miss it and I think it would do me some good, but I haven't found my confidence again.

I think time management is a major issue for both J and I, so in combination it gets really bad. We feel like we are always busy, but that we never do anything/get anything done (all-or-nothing thinking consciously used for the purpose of illustration by exaggeration). This needs to change.



As for other stuff, I have been trying to find my joy in little ways. I have decided that after work I get at least the time it takes me to smoke one cigarette to sit down, sip coffee, read my book, and not interact with anyone. That's my reset point to end my crappy work day and start my me time. I've been trying to play video games for the sake of distracting myself sometimes (I'm not much of a gamer, so I've been playing games we bought for the kids, but that are too easy for them). Generally trying to take care of myself.

Basically this is just a checking-in from me. But it is scattered, because my time and my brain are scattered.

I'm also going to post a new (simplified) mini-vision. It may not address everything that a mini-vision should, but it hits the most important points for me. It addresses the areas where I have been struggling.

Mini Vision:

Each day after I get home from work, I will sit and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and read. I will not have to interact with anyone, think, fight, or otherwise be bothered. 15 minutes of serenity.

I will make sure I have time and opportunity to work out every Monday, Wednesday and/or Thursday, Friday and/or Saturday, and Sunday. I will do the strength training exercises that help me feel good, and mix in some yoga/breathing exercises.

Each week J and I will plan out what we will eat for lunch (at work) and dinner each day. We will buy what we need in one trip if possible. Flexibility is allowed. We can change the meal plans at any time. The idea is to have some sort of plan in place.

Each week J and I will roughly plan out what we want to do each day for the week to come. Again, flexibility is allowed.
~Fun/relaxation needs to be planned out (as in, Thursday we will watch a movie, or Saturday we will go out to eat) so that it actually happens.

Every Wednesday morning J and I will talk about our recovery/healing progress, pitfalls, feelings, etc. This talk can take as little or as much time as we both want, but we most both talk about our individual process.

I will do everything I can to ensure that I get a least 8 hours of sleep most days.

If I need to cry, I will attempt to do so without words. I will let myself weep without explaining exactly what I am weeping for. (I think that often I get so caught up in trying to explain and justify my sadness that I end up making myself feel worse by picking at the scabs.)

Any argument or semi-argument with J will take place in 30 minute installments. After 30 minutes we take a ten minute break. We can then come back to it if needed.

I will start working on school again.



Continuing challenges/Things I want to improve, but don't yet have a plan for:

My confidence in my physical appearance. I feel so far from beautiful. My body feels like an unwelcome burden that I am forced to live in.

The sadness, rage, etc. that still overwhelm my capacity to feel love and hope for J and for myself.

The resentment I feel at J having fun without me.

The bruises on my sexuality. It is still there, but it is deeply injured. It is in pain.

Exercise Twenty-Two

Then, close your eyes and just feel. Feel the things that are important to you. Feel your values. Feel your regrets. Feel the trauma you have experienced. Feel the wonderful moments in your life. Let yourself experience all of the emotions that come to you--though allow these emotions to encompass a wide range. Focus on each emotion and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise).

This was an odd experience. I have attempted this exercise now on four different occasions, and I keep re-doing it because I've been unsure if it's "worked," if I've gotten out of it what I should have... because I haven't felt much, or not very intensely anyway. Without outside stimulation (such as someone arguing with me); or my perceived need to explain what I am feeling, to put words and justifications to it; and without any need to fight my emotions, I feel kind of calm. This makes me think that maybe my attempts to "manage" my emotions are part of the problem. Because here I am actively trying to not manage them, to let them flow and flare and be as intense and as persistent as they are, and they are not overwhelming. I already know that everyone else's attempts to limit, tame, calm, invalidate, or otherwise manage my emotions tend to make me freak out and feel things with increasingly overwhelming intensity... maybe this is evidence that my own attempts to manage them are also harmful.

Which seems counterintuitive. And also seems to go against the purpose of the lesson.

But there is the part where Jon says that when you stop and just let yourself feel, with no interference, you are experiencing the real you. So, maybe, the real me is not what I have always thought. I've always thought I was VERY emotional, but, then again, I have always been told that I am.

Huh. Because of this new insight I am going to try an experiment, and if it works well I'm going to integrate the practice into my life. I am going to make it a point to take 10 minutes every day to stop, close my eyes, and just feel. See what happens. Maybe it will help me.


The one thing I did feel with any real intensity was the pain of what J did. I don't know that I can really put words to it, but when I made myself focus on that, on remembering the way it felt when I found his stash, and the way it still feels, I wept.

That said, I couldn't manage to stir up any of the intense anger I feel about this on an almost daily basis. Which I think may be evidence that it is the act of interfering with my emotions that stirs this up.

I also felt a deep, warm, aching sadness when I let myself feel how I have been stripped of my confidence, pride, joy... I felt wistful and sad for myself when I experienced the loss of my undamaged self (and not just as J has damaged me, but also how I don't recall being happy even as a child, I recall being scared and sad and hurt and powerless). I felt sad when I experienced my feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, young enough. But even this ache wasn't as intense as I expected.

And when I thought of times when I didn't feel inadequate or unappreciated, it was very hard to get in touch with that feeling, to even remember how that felt.



After you have done this for fifteen minutes or longer, open your eyes and answer the following:

1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.

The single most extreme...? I don't know; there have been a lot. Fear and rage as an abused child. Shame at all stages of my life. Fear and panic when my phobias and anxieties flare up. Rage and powerlessness on many occasions. That terrible mix of feelings when I found that what I had been dreading (J's return to porn use) had happened, had been happening for over a year.

But also there have been moments of intense happiness, when I felt like J loved me so much, just for me. When I felt not only known and accepted, but adored. When I felt like he thought I was amazing. And falling in love. Falling in love with my step kids. Graduating college, so much pride. There have been intensely good emotions... but those are much harder for me to reconnect with.

I know that in recent times I have had very extreme spans of rage combined with hopelessness, loss, self-loathing, and really overwhelming... regret? grief? I don't know what to call it when you regret what someone else did...? When you wish so much that it just hadn't happened. I often experience all these things when I am trying to cope with what J did, trying to cope with the cheating and the lying, and mourning the loss of my ability to trust him, and to feel like I am enough for him, like he's not settling, and like he will be faithful. Mourning the loss of how I used to feel about the fidelity aspect of our relationship.

2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions.

This is another one of those, "which time?" kind of answers. I have been a wreck off-and-on for pretty much my entire life. I've attempted suicide several times (years ago). I've starved myself, cut myself, hit myself, called myself names. I've told J to just fucking leave, for good. I've groveled and begged him to not leave. I've sat with a knife in hand trying to work up the courage to give myself a labial reduction (because, gods, all the girls in his collection have such small pretty compact little vaginas, and mine is not, and I can't look at me anymore, yet, without hating what I see). I've shaved myself bald when I didn't want to look like that. I've dabbled with bulimia (no gross pun intended). I've done so many bad things to myself. So, I guess that's the essence of it.

My most irrational behavior as a result of my emotions is when I feel so overwhelmed that I hurt myself. Probably because that is the only power I feel that I have. I can't make myself feel better. I can't hurt anyone the way they have hurt me. I can't change the situation into what I want. But I can hurt me.

(edit: Lest anyone freak out, I have not cut myself in at least 3 or 4 years. And never seriously. I don't believe I pose any serious physical danger to myself. However, if I were to suspect that I would probably get myself put away for a couple of days, at least. I have done that before when I was scaring me.)

3) If you could go back in time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer?

I don't know.

"It'll pass." "Just let yourself feel." "Hold yourself and love yourself." I don't know if there is much of anything that helps once I feel that overwhelmingly. Validation is huge in not getting there. Also not losing all sense of my own power. But once I am there I think the best I can hope to do is limit the damage, perhaps keep me from hurting myself more than I am already hurting. I honestly don't know, and I don't want to lie and give the "correct" answer when I haven't internalized it.

Stage 3, Lesson 10/Exercise Twenty-Three is missing from the workshop.


Exercise Twenty-Four

To regain balance, you must regain a perception of control over your life. A difficult task indeed while mired in the addiction of another. One of the most powerful ways of regaining control is to have a clear, realistic notion of what options are available to you.

A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.
B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them.
C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How?

Main Option A: Stay together
Practical Benefits:
-Transportation (because I cannot drive). Rides to grocery store, activities, etc.
-Help with chores that I dislike such as mowing the lawn, doing stuff on the roof.
-Slightly more financially secure than with only my income.
-Access to the kids
Obstacles:
-Healing from betrayal seems to be more difficult in the presence of the betrayer.
-Being single has always been easier for me emotionally.
-Conflict.
-Distrust.
Overcoming:
-time?
-working on myself
-hard work to repair the relationship

SubOption 1 (in staying together category): Recommit fully to the relationship/Dive into the deep end
Benefits:
-not allowing myself to continually question if I should stay or go would free up a lot of my time.
-stifling my doubts *might* strip them of their power to upset me (but I doubt it would be very effective beneath the surface).
-allowing myself to enjoy the relationship 100% would be really nice.
Obstacles:
-I do not actually think that I am mentally capable of recommitting myself fully, stifling all doubts, etc.
-I think that even if I decided to dive in to the deep end, I would only end up floundering around, fearing drowning, and trying to get to the ladder.
Overcoming:
-perhaps my pure resolve to make it work at any cost would get me past these obstacles, but I wouldn't want to do that to myself

SubOption 2: Probationary Commitment (being mostly committed... unless that changes)
Benefits:
-acknowledges my power to decide for myself to stay, as opposed to being stuck with it.
-allows/requires me to create and enforce boundaries to protect my values and my vision.
-gives him a chance to be a benevolent part of my healthy life.
-does not require me to blind myself, repress my emotions, or tolerate an unacceptable level of crap.
Obstacles:
-it is really difficult to be committed, but not wholeheartedly, especially right after this trauma.
-it is harder to plan your future when you do not know if your SO will or won't be a part of it (even more uncertainly than normal).
-rebuilding my life while J is a part of it, but may not remain a part of it, doesn't allow for the certainty and stability that I'd like. Nothing is set in stone, and that requires more finesse and flexibility.
-definitely not the easiest way. Possibly the hardest.
Overcoming:
-time
-hard work
-my values, my vision

SubOption 3: In house separation with assumption of eventually at least considering recommitting
Benefits:
-not committed might mean more distance, which might mean more safety
-removes any pressure to decide now.
-might give us the time and space we each need to work on our own issues
Obstacles:
-our house is small. There isn't room for both of us to live separately.
-I would feel like a liar pretending in front of the kids, but I wouldn't want to scare them by explaining this. They don't live with us right now, so it is easy enough to shelter them from the bad crap, and I think that is the best thing for them right now.
-it is one thing to be lonely when you are all alone. Quite another to be lonely when you aren't.
-limbo stretching on and on, potentially.
Overcoming:
-we could try to change our schedules so we are home and awake at different times
-try to explain to the kids
-hard work
-focus on my self, my values, my vision

Option B: Temporary moving out separation
Benefits:
-"happy" medium perhaps allowing us both the time and space to work out our own issues and then come back together as healthier individuals
-time to vent my anger without venting it at him
Obstacles:
-without contact with him, I would be perpetually worried that he was backsliding into his old self
-I don't know that this is something either of us would easily bounce back from. He would feel abandoned, and I would feel resentful of all the fun he must've been having the whole time (whether or not that is accurate)
-where would he live? There are not any really good options.
-the kids.
Overcoming:
-we could work together to find him a suitable place
-in this case I think we would just have to explain it to the kids, no avoiding it
-my emotional hangups would require hard work and a focus on healing me, and making a better me


Option C: Breaking up entirely
Benefits:
-probably the easiest option for me
-peace/lack of conflict and drama
-not having to wonder anymore if he is cheating
-rebuilding my life from the ground up, knowing exactly what I can salvage and what is gone
-I have always had an easier time emotionally when I am single
Obstacles:
-I have no legal rights to see our kids, because biologically they are not mine and I have not been able to adopt them
-not having a ride anywhere (since I cannot drive)
-not having help with chores that I dislike (such as mowing the lawn or doing stuff on the roof)
-slightly less financially secure with only one income (but I can afford my lifestyle fine even without him, and his bills take up the majority of his income)
-and, yes, I would miss him terribly.
Overcoming:
-it would be entirely up to his generosity of spirit if he would let me see the kids. I would however make sure to find a way to tell them how much I love them, and that if they ever need me they can call. I would do whatever I could to ease the situation for them.
-but I can ride the bus
-and I can do chores
-and I'll be fine without his income

SubOption 1: make him leave
Benefits:
-I keep the house, which is entirely in my name anyway
-I get to keep some of the life I worked so hard to build
Obstacles:
-guilt. I would feel bad making him be semi-homeless until he found a place, but I don't think I could handle letting him live here until he did.
-I can be pretty sure that he won't go peacefully or easily.
Overcoming:
-I'd have to be ready to stand my ground no matter what he did to break me down. And change the locks.
-involve police if needed.
-the guilt would pass in time.

SubOption 2: I move out
Benefits
-not having to worry about him throwing a fit/possibly police involvement.
Obstacles:
-this isn't even a viable possibility in my book. The mortgage is in my name. I will not just walk away from such a large debt in the hopes that he will pay it or sell it and give me the money.


D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?

I am currently staying with him in a kind of probationary way. If he can earn the right to reintegrate into my society, great. If not... well, I'm not counting on him to rehabilitate, so I'm not placing my bets. If he cannot show me that he is a healthy man making healthy choices, then I will end the relationship for the sake of my sanity.

Why do I think this is best? It is the most consistent with the person I want to be. If (and it is a big if) J is truly an addict who is working hard to overcome this addiction, then it is definitely in-line with my values to give him a chance and even help him. I do love the man I believe he is inside, under all the crap that society and his family and his addiction created in him. If I can have that man in my life, then it is worth giving it one more chance. On the flip side of the same coin, it is not in-line with my values to just allow him to tromp all over me, lie to me, cheat on me, and hurt me. If that is the man I get, well, I'm not gonna just let myself be stuck with that.

The next option I have seriously considered is to try to separate. I think it would be incredibly difficult, but it might be the only way that we can both get the time and space to heal ourselves and become healthy enough to do this relationship right.

Breaking up seems like the easy way out, but I'll take it if I have to.


E. What options do you believe are realistically available to your partner? Which do you think he/she would choose?

Option 1: He might work hard to recover and become an honest and faithful partner to me. This is what he says he's doing, and the evidence does seem consistant with that.

Option 2: He might continue to act out an deceive me as long as he possibly can. This, sadly, seems like the most logical prediction, given his history.

Option 3: He has stated that he thinks he may have to leave me, both because of the pain his continued presence causes me (which it often does) and because he thinks my state of post-traumatic stress might be holding him back from becoming who he wants to be for himself. I do not believe he is likely to choose this, though. Frankly, I don't think he is currently strong enough to do this.


F. Optional (though strongly, strongly recommended for anyone with even the slightest hesitation towards whether they should stay in the relationship or whether they should end it)

Over the next several weeks, take the time to develop an actual plan of action in the case of a possible separation or divorce... Take the time to develop a thorough, well thought out plan that will provide you with some semblance of comfort should the decision be made to end the relationship.

I have done this. It is simpler for me because we are not married, and I have kept our finances separate (because I have never trusted him to behave in a way that would benefit my stability in this area). The kids are the main obstacle, because I would have no legal recourse if he decided to keep me out of their lives.

Exercise Twenty-Five

1. Take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the Health Monitoring area of the Partner's Manager.

Done


2. Prior to the discovery of your partner's addiction, how did you two monitor each other's relative health relating to fulfillment, stability, balance, etc.

I don't know that we did. I mean, I tried to check in with him fairly often, asking "How are you?" "Are you okay?" etc., but he almost always replied with some snippy answer like, "I'm fucking fine! Why?" or, "What are you trying to ask me?" I did pay attention to the outward signs of his mental state, but if I detected something off I was told quite intimidatingly that nothing was wrong, he was fine, and if I kept asking then something would be wrong ("I wasn't angry until you fucking started asking if I was angry!"). I didn't really believe him, but I didn't really believe my intuition either (gaslighting of sorts, I believe). I spent a great deal of time feeling very nervous/scared/angry because I wasn't able to reconcile what he was telling me (and I was trying to believe) with the acute sense of people's moods that I had developed during an abusive and unpredictable childhood (a survival mechanism, and thus firmly and deeply attached to my sense of safety).

As for him, I don't feel like he generally cared to monitor my emotional fulfillment, stability, balance, whatever. It was probably easier for him to just make me feel like I was a jerk if I tried to express any sort of discontent. For instance, he has always been quite vocal about the fact that seeing/hearing someone cry pissed him off, and I have always been a big crier. I think, in retrospect, that this was one way of objectifying me. If I demonstrated those feelings that he found acceptable, I was okay. If I strayed from that, he would become angry, I think because I wasn't behaving as he felt that I should, as a nice easy predictable object for his use. (Similarly, he used to listen to me if I was saying what he wanted me to say, but if I deviated he would interrupt, argue, ignore, mock, invalidate, tell me I was making no sense, tell me he was bored, critique my vocabulary, or even pretend that he couldn't physically understand my words, like I was slurring or talking too quietly or crying too hard.) I think he mentally had me in his "Gorgon Box", and if I did anything outside of that compartment he couldn't handle it. My emotions were generally outside the box. Objects don't do stuff you don't expect/want them too. Only complex, multi-layered people do that.

So, I definitely don't think we monitored each other in any effective way. Whatever we do now should not be anything like that.


3. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your life is not being managed well?

I am pretty well in touch with my emotions. When I get off-kilter I know it. However, as I am generally off-kilter, I will list some signs that I might be worse than usual.

Internal signs (Stuff I feel, and an thus likely to be aware of):
-Panic attacks in only mildly scary situations (i.e. a birthday party for one of my kids, trying on clothes, ordering food at a restaurant)
-Mild anxiety attacks for no discernable reason (heart racing, shortness of breath, shakiness)
-Sudden fits of anger for little reason
-Feeling like I am about to fall apart/blow up/break down for little reason
-Prolonged lack of focus
-Prolonged lack of any joy/happiness/fun
-Prolonged lack of desire/motivation. Feeling of stagnation.
-Ennui

External signs (Stuff I might not feel/sense happening which could indicate deeper problems. I should watch for these things.)
-Wasting a lot of time frequently on arguments with J (allowing myself to lose so much time to this)
-Not getting chores or homework or other productive things done for several days
-Snapping at the kids (when they are not being beastly)
-Increase in hoarding behaviors
-Increase in drinking


4. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your partner's life is not being managed well?

-Anger, mostly of the mild but pervasive variety. Snapping at me for stupid things, snapping at the kids for stupid things, generally carrying himself in a pissed-off way, sullen facial expressions, etc.
-Acting distant/not talking to me
-Ignoring the kids
-Going off on the kids (screaming, cussing, hitting) when they don't want to be ignored
-Pushing away anyone who tries to engage healthily with him
-Not being supportive or compassionate of my emotional needs/invalidating
-Passive aggression
-Seeming to be numb/untouchable
-Lying/vague answers only, and those given grudgingly
-MOST IMPORTANT: Hiding His Emotions/Acting Like He Doesn't Have Feelings

Basically, I know that the way he dealt with his emotions (or, rather, didn't deal with them) was unhealthy. If I see him slipping back into those behaviors, I will know that he is not managing well.

Exercise Twenty-Six

A. Review the following daily assessment, changing the content (as necessary), but not the number of questions:

My personalized version:

1. Did I take full responsibility for managing my own life today?

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision?

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?

4. Did I take enjoyable time today just for myself? (Breaks at work don't count. Nor does my 10 minute sit down after work.)

4a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?

5. Did I work out/do homework/meditate/do anything responsible that primarily benefits me today? Was it productive/enjoyable?

5a. If not, how many days has it been?

6. Did I derive meaning/joy/satisfaction from at least three areas of my life today?

7. Did I have any not-understandable panic attacks, anxiety attacks, or sudden fits of anger/crying today?


B. For the next thirty days, complete the assessment right before going to bed. Spend no more than five minutes in this review. There is no need to track this monitoring, just make it a priority.

I will do this a while before bed instead. Before my sleeping pill kicks in.


C. At the end of thirty consecutive days, you should recognize that what it is you are monitoring has become ingrained. This will allow you to move on to the next phase of Daily Monitoring--which is more of an 'as needed' phase that is discussed further in the later lessons on managing instability.

I am not okay today.

I need to acknowledge that. I. Am. Not. Okay. This is important to know. To feel. And to use as a motivator for growth.

I asked J to leave yesterday evening because I caught him lying again. He had texted the night before and told me that he spent over an hour meditating and writing. He maintained this explicitly in 2 different texts, and implicitly in others. But it turned out he hadn't written anything. When I called him on this he responded by minimizing (he started to write, but he had no room in his notebook, and he was sleep deprived, so he didn't even realize he hadn't written), then table-turning (he said he told me that because I am "a fucking hypocrite"), then lying some more (showed me a page in his notebook saying that he wrote that, but he had shown me the same page a week and a half previously), and finally he went back to minimizing. As a result of his dodgy response to being caught in a lie, I reasserted my value of honesty, told him his response to having been found in violation of this boundary was unacceptable, and asked him to leave. He did. He went to his parents' house and spent the night and most of today there. But this is not the real issue. This is just the background.

So, here I was with the house to myself. The day to myself. I slept well enough last night, but since waking almost twelve hours ago I have spent the day wondering what to do. Not doing anything. Just wasting my day wishing I wasn't wasting my day. I haven't even really eaten. I've cried. I've worked out some. I've tried to watch TV (finding nothing gratifying or entertaining). I tried reaching out to my one and only friend, only to get a brief, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time of it" type reply.

J and I were in contact via text throughout the day, and so all day there was some hope of reconciliation. But a three hours ago he came home to get a change of clothes. We talked some, and it seemed to me to be going well (he actually apologized in a responsible way, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I didn't mean to lie, but that is what happened. And you are right not to accept that from me."), and then he left again saying he had a lot on his mind and he needed time. I have been weeping off and on since then.

So now here I am wishing I had some damn meaning in my life, and having no idea where to find it. That is the issue. Without him I don't know what to do with myself. And, while I should find this liberating, I just feel lost. I feel sad and lonely.

And then I feel pathetic and useless for feeling this way.

I took some extra days off from work in an effort to take time to better myself. I have spent most of this time off wallowing in depression. I feel like I have wasted my much-needed time off.

Maybe this is why it's so hard to focus on me, because when I get right down to it, I don't see anything to focus on.

That's not okay. I just don't know how to change it.

It has obviously been a long time since I posted here. Over two months...

I guess I am feeling a little rusty with the writing at this point, so I'll just write and see how it comes out.

Last time I posted I had realized a big problem for me: the lack of direction when left alone, the lack of motivation in the absence of J. Having thought about it since then, I've figured out a few things.

The simplest of these is just that I was/am in an unhappy place in many ways, and I was/am grieving. Thus, I think some portion of my pain at that time was nothing more than finally having the freedom to grieve with all of me. There was no one around to interrupt me, challenge me, observe me, or comfort me. I had utter freedom to fall to pieces as much as I needed to. I could cry, scream, throw things, stomp around, etc.

Add to that freedom/privacy the fact that in some ways his behavior was like a diorama of the bad aspects of our relationship (the lying, the power plays, the manipulations, the distancing, and so on), and I found myself in a very good position to do some grieving. So, while the pain of him not wanting to come home was real, in some ways it was just a catalyst that allowed me to tap into the bigger (massive) reserve of pain that I was already carrying around, and his absence made it possible to vent some of that well of pain. I just wasn't wholly aware of it at the time. All I saw was the tip of the iceberg, and I condemned myself for reacting so strongly and negatively to that, not realizing that I was actually processing a whole lot more than just J being gone in that moment. I wanted to use my aloneness to feel happy, to use my freedom to have fun, and I forgot that there was/is a lot of crap to flush out, a lot of emotional detoxing to be done.

What I'm saying is that while I felt like my situation was shitty, it was actually, in some ways, a really great opportunity. My subconscious seemed to understand that, and it took advantage of it.

Another thing I took from the experience was more obvious: I didn't have the know-how or practice to fulfill myself. So, since then I've been working on finding that stuff. Things to do that make me feel good, ways to kill time somewhat productively, etc. I've been painting a lot (not art, more like crafts). Trying to diversify my reading (since I love to read, but was getting bored with the books I was currently trying). So far this seems to have done some good. I'm really enjoying my time alone now... so much so that I've been slacking here on RN. I mean, when given time to myself I've been tending to paint or watch a couple of different TV shows or read.

In exploring this lack of fulfillment without J, I have hit upon a other few things that were, and still are, missing from my life.

1) Friends. I have one friend I really talk to, but he has not been as supportive as I would like. I find that this has been a pattern throughout many of my friendships. I support them through thick and thin, give them support, advice, and a shoulder to cry on. Even when it's tiresome or not fun, I support them. But, heaven forbid I get a little needy!

The most vivid example was when I first moved back to my current town, after 8 years of living 400 miles away. A couple of my friends from college had preceded me in this move, and prior to moving I generally talked to both of them for hours every week. They were so excited that I was moving here, and we could hang out again... until I got here. I was unemployed, bored, homesick, and lonely. But our phonecalls went from frequent and long to me leaving them voicemails which they would only return sometimes, and when they did it was in a, "I've only got a few minutes to talk, can I call you back?" way. In the first six months I was here, I estimate that each of them managed to make time to hang out with me maybe two or three times, and those were brief (a cup of coffee or maybe a quick stop by my apartment on the way somewhere else).

And these were people I'd given So Much Time to helping. One had been raped repeatedly over our 6 year friendship, and each time I was there with her at the hospital, and holding her when she cried for months after the fact. The other had spent at least 4 years struggling to come out of the closet, and fighting all the guilt and shame that came with it... one day he claimed to be totally straight but just hadn't met the right girl and felt terrible about making out with men quite often, the next he was crying about being gay, but thinking it didn't vibe with his Christian beliefs, then back to "I'm straight!", in a seemingly endless cycle. When he told his mother and she disowned him (temporarily, thank goodness), I was the one who spoiled him rotten for a week, cooking him his favorite foods, renting Molly Ringwald flicks to watch on my couch, letting him cry, letting him yell, giving him a safe haven. I was the one who found him a gay-friendly church and went with him every Sunday for months (despite not being Christian myself).

But when I needed them, they both told me that they didn't have time to help me, didn't have time to spend with me. They'd had time before to talk to me on the phone about their problems. They still had time to hang out with each other. But I apparently wasn't fun enough, wasn't just giving and giving without needing support myself. OY! (that was a good vent)

Now I've got one good friend (well, sort of), but he hasn't bothered with me in two weeks. At all. Our last contact was when I texted him saying that I was having a rough day, and could he call me when he was awake/free. I sent it twice, so I know he must've gotten it. But there has been no reply. For two weeks. And this isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing. Of course, if he is feeling sad, I am quick to support him, but he doesn't seem to feel any compunction to reciprocate.

On one hand I recognize that these people are perhaps just takers when it comes to friendship, and as such they probably aren't worth my time. But on the other, I also think that this pattern is likely indicative of me. My choices in friends. My tendencies when establishing friendships. And, yes, my perceptions of the imbalances in those friendships. So, my plan here is to be open and honest with M when he bothers to get in touch, to let him know how I feel about things. But also to make new friends, and when doing that to try to establish new and healthy patterns.

This has been slow going so far. I don't tend to like many people. Most I find too unintelligent to offer me a satisfying conversation, or too shallow or shortsighted or vain or frivolous or mean. I have no interest in going to the bars to try to get attention from men, or going with a girlfriend who is there for only that aim. I don't care about fashion or makeup. I'm a tomboy. Many men are also too shallow to hold my interest, and I certainly have no interest in watching football or the latest Megan Fox movies. Basically, since leaving college, it has become increasingly difficult to meet like minded people with similar interests. The obvious idea is to join a bookclub or some organization, but none of them fit into my very limited schedule. Being nocturnal also doesn't help.

However, my hairdresser and I recently discovered that we are both beer snobs and music fiends, and he and J actually made tentative plans for all of us to hang out socially later today (I was part of the conversation, but the idea of "let's hang out" was broached by them, not I). And there are a few old friends I am hoping to get in touch with (though in at least one case, I am going to wait until after the election as our politics are pretty opposite and I feel very strongly about my side).

2) I need to find a way to reach out the world, to give back, to be significant in a positive way. J actually was the one who pointed this out, and who made the siggestion for how to go about it. The plan is for us to start volunteering at the Dumb Friends League helping animals! This is so very very me, that I am really excited to start. But, sadly, I've not been able to find a time for it in our respective schedules as of yet. The plan is to get caught up on all of the things that have been slipping post d-day (housework, kid stuff, basically getting our lives back in order more), and then to start volunteering. We have been making progress on the catching up stuff, and I think this is going to happen soon.

(Note: I would volunteer alone, but there is no way for me to get to the Dumb Friends League, or any other animal shelter that I know of, short of several hours on the bus. So, while it does seem like not so much of a plan for my own individual enrichment, it is what it is. I am thinking positively about it and hoping it might even be good for J as well as for our relationship.)

3) Spirituality. I've not yet figured out a plan that feels good for reintegrating this into my life. I am hoping that as I get healthier it will start to come back to me of its own accord. For now that part of me just feels numb, disconnected.



Wow, this has taken me a lot longer to type than I had planned, and my night is almost over. In the interests of having some time to relax, do a few chores, and paint, I'm going to attempt to wrap this up quickly.

I have been doing a lot in the last two months. I have been focusing more on living my healthy life than on thinking about it, writing about it, learning about it. Not that I've stopped reading here, or stopped reading some self-help, I just do less of it. What I am doing is trying to find new hobbies, getting practice with dealing with my emotions in a healthy way (crying vigorously if needed, then trying to move on), and applying what I have learned here. I've been getting much better at protecting my boundaries through consequences (Nelly James was right, it takes Practice). I've also been doing a lot of affirmations and mindfulness meditation and applying a lot of the things I'm learning from Thich Nhat Hahn's book The Art of Power. And "tapping"/EFT.

I had a rather amazing tapping experience just the other day. I was having intense flashbacks to the betrayals of the past, specifically relating to J making those choices, struggling to come to grips with the fact that while I was desperate to figure out what the hell was wrong with our relationship and to be a good partner, he was thinking about acting out, anticipating AO, making the choice to AO, lying to me, and then doing it all over again. I was stuck in a mental loop obsessing on that moment when he would decide to look at his favorite Tumblr blogs, or google this or that specific person. So, I told him I needed a minute alone and I sat there and focused on my pain, really tried to fan those flames and I tapped, and kept focusing, fanning, tapping... and after just a few minutes there was nothing left to fan, and even the mental images were gone! I hope to duplicate this result during my next flashback. We'll see.

I have been keeping up with my Daily Monitoring, having tweaked it several times to make it more relevant/useful. And I hope to get back on track with lessons in the next couple of days.

On that note, I'm done. It's time to make myself a plate of nachos and turn on an episode of Medium. Later this morning, when he gets home from work, we are going to go for a hike, maybe fish a little, and maybe end up hanging out with my hairdresser.

1. Over the past seven days, where did I find satisfaction and meaning? What made me feel vibrant, in touch, alive, like myself?

2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion? Did I behave in contrast to my vision? If so, how/when/why?

3. Given the goodness that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the things that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all? Did I end the week stronger or weaker in my ability to manage my life?

4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will require me to use my life management skills particularly well?

5. Where is my focus? Am I struggling with obsessiveness? Are there any goals that I want to challenge myself to achieve that will address the need to shift my focus from this obsession?

6. Are there any insights that I want to focus on? Action plans to implement?



I will start my weekly monitoring this Monday morning.

Exercise Twenty-Eight

A) Make a list of objective signs that you would recognize in yourself that would indicate that you are not living a healthy, balanced life

This is much like my answer in Exercise 25, matter-of-fact much of this is just cut and paste.

Internal signs (Stuff I feel, and am thus likely to be aware of):
-Panic attacks in only mildly scary situations (i.e. a birthday party for one of my kids, trying on clothes, ordering food at a restaurant)
-Mild anxiety attacks for no discernible reason (heart racing, shortness of breath, shakiness)
-Sudden fits of anger for little reason
-Feeling like I am about to fall apart/blow up/break down for little reason
-Prolonged lack of focus
-Prolonged lack of any joy/happiness/fun
-Prolonged lack of desire/motivation. Feeling of stagnation
-Ennui

External signs (Stuff I might not feel/sense happening which could indicate deeper problems. I should watch for these things.)
-Wasting a lot of time frequently on arguments with J (allowing myself to lose so much time to this)
-Not getting chores or homework or other productive things done for several days
-Snapping at the kids (when they are not being beastly)
-Increase in hoarding behaviors
-Increase in drinking
-Financial impulsivity/disregard
-Lack of time management

I think another important thing to watch for is how I am handling my emotions. If I get sad, am I allowing myself to cry? Allowing myself to feel angry? Am I then capable of letting these things go, or am I clinging to them?

And, I am trying to be mindful of creating intensity when it doesn't fit with the circumstances. Am I starting arguments for no reason? Am I getting sad just when everything is going well? This morning I had an incident like that, and rather than fighting myself on it, I saw that (in this case at least) it was probably a matter of emotional buildup from anxiety and sadness issues that have been occurring when it is not practical to deal with them in the moment (such as when I am at work). So, I decided to express the full intensity of what I was feeling and to let myself cry. After about half an hour, I was done and I felt much better. My life felt much more manageable. Still, I intend to watch for times when my emotional intensity may not be a healthy way to deal with my situation, but instead might be an attempt to get a "fix" of my own.

An increase in resentment/envy of J would also be something to examine should it arise.

B) Taking your partner's current mindset, what areas (listed above) do you feel that he might be faking/holding back on? What areas do you think he is really putting forth a sincere, adequate effort?

I will note that none of this is constant yet. There are good days and there are bad days. But the good days are slowly overtaking the bad ones, and the bad days are becoming more like bad moments and bad hours than whole bad days. I think he is learning, and making mistakes, and temporarily forgetting what he's learning, and then refocusing and learning some more. He is practicing and getting better and better.

In retrospect, I find myself wondering how/why I ever put up with the status quo of a year ago, two years ago, even 5 years ago. How/why I stayed with him when the bad days were almost all we had. But I am sure that was a matter of my own devalued self esteem and the insidious way the bad behaviors crept into the life we were sharing, getting a little worse every day, and being a little more invalidated every time I tried to fight them. *sigh* I was so blind.

Areas that can be faked in recovery:
I am acknowledging his progress in these areas even though they are not reliable indicators, because they do seem to be genuine/not fake and because they are accompanied by other, more reliable, things.

Words--especially the sincerity in which they are said (words stemming from emotions can't be relied upon as a monitoring device)
I usually think that he is sincere in his words (lately). I am not just basing this on his mannerisms and tone, but rather on the increasing amount of insight I hear him expressing. In the past, he often said "all the right things," but if I asked follow-up questions he gave vague answers. There is still some of that, but it is getting better. He also doesn't always wait for me to ask questions now, he volunteers many of his feelings and insights, even if it is often in an awkward and vague sort of way (I often have to really pay attention to figure out that that is what he is trying to do).

Behavior--what you see is not typically what you get with those in early recovery; their behavior may be showing progress, but that is not a reliable monitoring device of actual health
His behavior hasd been improving, to the best of my knowledge. I've not caught him in a lie in a quite some time. He is being more responsible with money and time. He is seeking healthy stimulation (sch as crafting and hiking) and eschewing some things that are bad for him (he has gone from 2 liters of soda a day to maybe one 16 oz bottle a week).

His attitude is also showing progress and seems to be coming from a good place, a place of deeper understanding, compassion, and warmth.

However, I will say that I am not seeing as much activity on RN or investing in active recovery as I would like. He is choosing to make crafts rather than to AO or get lost in video games, but he also isn't making time to read books, do much here, or find help.

Abstinence--from the warped, dual-identity perspective of the individual in early recovery, abstinence is defined by many as what can be proven, not what has occurred. And so, even in their own minds, if they engage in a compulsive ritual that was 'successfully' hidden, that has no affect on their abstinence. This isn't universal, just common enough to make this a poor monitoring objective.
As far as I know, he has not had a slip or relapse in almost 8 months. As far as I know. But, truthfully, I have no objective reason to suspect otherwise.

Disclosure--one of the more common 'sincere moments' in recovery is when a person discloses their addiction openly and fully to their partner. Except that typically, this disclosure is neither open nor full. Again, this 'holding something back' isn't a universal trait, just common enough so that it should be anticipated.
He maintains that he has disclosed everything. I don't believe he has. I do suspect that at least some of what he has not yet disclosed is linked to his own denial that some of his behaviors were, if fact, part of his addiction. I am anxious for full disclosure, but my efforts to make it happen have not been successful, so I am trying to be patient.

Areas that cannot be faked and thus, provide an excellent means for monitoring your partner's health:

Offering open, transparent and spontaneous communication
There is still not as much of this as I would like. He is still not as open/transparent/spontaneous in his communication as I am. But, I do think there has been notable improvement in this area, and that his shortcomings are likely due to a lack of comfort and skill. This is a new thing for him.

The pursuit of true intimacy (not to be mistaken for passion; not the experience of intimacy--which takes time to develop--but the active pursuit to develop it)
I believe he is really trying to achieve this, but that I am the barrier here. I am terrified of intimacy, and so I often find myself distant or shut off from him.

Vulnerability and risk--especially as it is related to communication and intimacy (a caveat here, as 'calculated risk and vulnerability' can be faked; but when seen in concert with open, spontaneous communication, generally isn't)
This aspect is very interesting to me. Upon first reading it, my thoughts were something along the lines of, "Nope, he's not doing this." Then I realized that serious risks for him are much different from what they have always been for me. For him it probably does feel like a big risk to say that he is looking forward to getting home to cuddle with me, or to ask me for a hug (which I generally indulge) or a kiss (which I generally don't). So, I think he's actually doing quite well here.

One's willingness to take responsibility for their recovery and their life
He very rarely tries to blameshift anymore, and that is generally temporary, and is usually quick to claim responsibility for the things he did while he was in active addiction. He is even learning to take responsibility when he screws up in the here and now.

One's seeking to generalize what they learn in recovery to other areas of their life (applying honesty or values-based decision-making to situations outside of recovery and your relationship, for instance)
I am still needing to offer some guidance here, but he usually gets it once I do. For example, just the other day it was a family member's birthday, and we had been invited to a celebratory dinner, but no one knew what time the dinner would be. Since we are nocturnal, it was a matter of rearranging our sleep schedule to accommodate this (it would basically be like if we invited diurnal people to a 6 a.m. birthday breakfast, but didn't confirm said breakfast in advance, or tell them the timing until midnight the night before). We asked a few times in the days before if anyone knew what time yet, and no one did. Finally they texted about 6 hours before the dinner to let us know. We decided not to put ourselves through the sleep-deprivation and chaos this would create for us. J thought the best course of action was to tell them that he had overslept, because this would keep people's feelings from being hurt. I pointed out that lying was completely unnecessary because we had been asking for days in advance what the plan was, and it was just too short of notice. He replied that it probably wouldn't be a lie because we always oversleep anyway (i.e. we would set our alarms for 8:30 p.m. as usual, and probably not get up until after 9, as usual, thus we would probably oversleep, but that would not actually be a factor in our not attending the dinner). Once I explained that what I was hearing was him manipulating the truth in a way that was not honest, in order to protect someone's feelings, when the actual truth was a completely acceptable explanation for our absence, he expressed gratitude to me for showing that to him and we started working out a way to make sure the birthday person's feelings did not get hurt by taking them to lunch in the near future.

Of his own accord, J has applied his values to several situations outside of addiction/recovery. He is expressing pride in his professionalism, suggesting action plans to improve our communications about life in general, finding ways to potentially set goals (i.e. he wants to maybe train to run a 5k, and also learn to ice-climb... I think these may be overly ambitious momentary fancies on his part, and that he will lose interest, but he may not).


C) Looking six months down the road and assuming that your partner transitions to a healthy life, what objective signs would you look for that might indicate that he is starting to struggle with sustaining a healthy, balanced life?

Currently he vacillates between being healthy and slipping into unhealthy mode (at least this is what I see happening). There are definitely times that are worse than others, spans of a few days here and there where I see him slipping back into the ways he used to behave. At those times I figure he is struggling and starting to get out of balance, but he usually seems to pull out of it and get back on track, often with my help and the rigorous application of my own boundaries. So, I would definitely be worried if I saw a sustained return to the following behaviors:
-passive aggression
-temper flares
-blameshifting/table-turning/gaslighting
-giving vague answers
-being aloof/cold/distant
-generalized hostility
-treating me like I have malicious intent toward him
-lack of compassion
-insensitivity (i.e. never expressing feeling much of anything about anything)
-"I don't give a fuck" attitude
If I see that lying has once again become par of his normal MO, that would be a definite sign that something is very wrong.

I also think that his tendency to obsess over one thing at a time (be that a video game, a project, a material desire) is a factor in his addiction. While the things he obsesses about are not, in themselves, unhealthy, I have seen it enough to know that the act of obsessing is an escape mechanism for him, and the more he employs it the more he is trying to manage his emotions in the wrong ways. He is not currently doing this (it is an act of will on his part, and a connection he himself made with his unhealthy patterns), so if he does start doing that again it would be a warning sign.

All of the above would be greatly more worrisome if accompanied by him denying their validity/minimizing them/generally not being willing to listen when I try to point them out.

1. Over the past seven days, where did I find satisfaction and meaning? What made me feel vibrant, in touch, alive, like myself?

We went hiking on Monday. It was gorgeous, the weather was wonderful, and it was just tiring enough.
(subpoint 1) While we were hiking I accidentally stumbled upon the lake where, according to my mother, I was conceived. I really got a kick out that. Seeing it, recognizing the name, the fact that my mother has actually told me where I was conceived, and the fact that it is a beautiful lake in a beautiful area in the mountains. It seems like a good place to have started my life journey.
(subpoint 2) Also, while on our way to hike we ran into so many friendly mountain people. I used to live in a smallish town in the mountains, but now I live in the city. It just made me feel happy encountering that friendly openness again.

I did quite a lot of painting this week (quite a lot in time, not volume, as I am sloooowwww). It was soothing and makes me feel good to make something and not worry too much about how it will look.

Rereading the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy. Laughing.

Had a nice conversation with my mom on Saturday. Sometimes talking to her is very, I dunno, nice... calming... happy-making...

Had an amazing cry on Sunday. Got so much crap out. I felt lighter after.

Had a moment when feeding my cats, watching them run up to me, jumping over each other, and I was just deeply aware of how much I love their silly selves, and how good it is that I can take care of them and give them a good life. Then looked at my rats, sleeping in a big happy pile of ratness and felt the same.

Also told my best friend how I have been feeling neglected by him, and like our friendship means much more to me than it does to him. He was receptive. It wasn't a fun moment, but I am proud of me for voicing my feelings. Normally I hold them in in those situations.


2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion? Did I behave in contrast to my vision? If so, how/when/why?

There were a couple of moments of pretty strong stress/anxiety when J was at work and I knew that he *could* be acting out, and *might* be lying, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. (No reason to suspect this, just the fact that it is possible sometimes makes me freak out.) I was having a hard time drawing a deep breath and got the shakes. Couldn't distract myself for a while. It faded after an hour or so.

Felt very overwhelmed on Sunday morning, with all the work I need to do to heal, and to keep the house clean-ish, and my stressful job, and wanting time for affirmations and workouts and meditation and painting and relaxing. Then J asked me to have food ready when he got home from work, and I kinda flipped. But, it did precipitate the really good cry I had.

My job is stressing me out. They keep adding work to my plate without authorizing the overtime it would take to do it. It is also very unskilled crap, busy work, so it's kind of insulting that they heap it on me. Just because I work the graveyard shift does not mean I don't have anything to do.

Money has been very stressful lately. Too many bills having to go on my credit card.



3. Given the goodness that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the things that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all? Did I end the week stronger or weaker in my ability to manage my life?
I think I ended much stronger! I used some of my newly acquired values/boundaries based skills as well.

4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will require me to use my life management skills particularly well?
I am strongly considering trying to reintegrate sex into my life (because I miss that part of my life), but I am scared and nervous and it is really difficult to get started. I am worried that I will try and fail (by not being able to go through with it). For the last few years it has often made me feel more disgusted than aroused. But, I've also heard recommendations that one just push through it, the "use it or lose it" philosophy. Also, I have apparently been initiating in my sleep now, so I suspect that part of me is alive and well, but buried under all this other crap.

5. Where is my focus? Am I struggling with obsessiveness? Are there any goals that I want to challenge myself to achieve that will address the need to shift my focus from this obsession?
I think my focus has been rather scattered, but I need to spend more time thinking on this and working on it to determine the best course of action. For now I am trying to cry with all of me, not holding back, when possible... and distract myself when it is not. Also working on self-soothing behaviors like deep breathing and mindfulness.

6. Are there any insights that I want to focus on? Action plans to implement?
Not this week, not that I haven't already mentioned.

1. Over the past seven days, where did I find satisfaction and meaning? What made me feel vibrant, in touch, alive, like myself?

On Monday J and I went to the home of a friend of mine I'd lost touch with for several years. It was wonderful just sitting in his yard remembering why I like him so much.

Also on Monday, we went to pick up a used lizard from the dorm where J used to work. The poor guy hadn't been very well cared for, so it made me feel good to bring him into our home-zoo and start pampering him. Giving him roaches and fresh produce when previously he'd been eating packaged bearded dragon food and Froot Loops! He perked up, too.

This led to a conversation with J wherein I finally gave myself credit for saving the life of one of our pest after he was profoundly injured as a baby. Previously J has been very reluctant to hand out untainted praise (I believe this is because he was subconsciously invested in keeping my self-esteem low to keep me more manageable), but on this occasion he heartily agreed that what I'd done was amazing and not something that just anyone could've managed/would've bothered with. I felt very proud of myself, and, probably more importantly, I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about being proud.

Continued to converse with M regarding the less-than-satisfying aspects of our friendship. We hashed out a lot of stuff, and I successfully defended my boundaries and stood up for what I wanted.

Had a few moments just walking around where I felt really good in my own skin. I haven't felt that way for a while.

More minor satisfactions:

I put in some extra hours at work (during a day shift, so I actually had coworkers present). It gave me a chance to show them that I am capable of handling the busier hours of the day, and that I can schmooze customers with the best of them. A supervisor actually expressed appreciation for my skills and dedication.

Hung out with a dog. She liked me. Often, in the past few years, dogs do not like me, so I take this as a sign that I have a better vibe/am on a better path.


2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion? Did I behave in contrast to my vision? If so, how/when/why?

I think I have spent way too much time engaged in unhealthy interactions with J over the past few days. His inner-addict is stirring and is trying to pull me in. I've done well staying strong, but it has been a drain on time and energy.

J and I have been fighting a lot over the last few days. I feel he is slipping into his old habits in regards to interacting with me. He disagrees (I still think my concerns are valid).

The idea of sex continues to trouble me. I am trying to reclaim my sexuality, but J won't talk to me about his part of it. He insists that statements like, "I am having some feelings for you," and "I have been working on the exercise about sexual boundaries," are actually quite specific. I want him to talk to me about this stuff, to help me feel like he and I are on the same page or at least like he is a safe sexual partner, but when I try to initiate conversation he listens without contributing anything from his own perspective. He is not offering me the emotional intimacy I need to feel okay offering him the sexual intimacy we both would like to explore.

More work stress. It's not unusual, but it definitely impacts me.


3. Given the goodness that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the things that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all? Did I end the week stronger or weaker in my ability to manage my life?

I think I did okay. No huge leaps ether way, probably about the same as I was before, except that I did strengthen one friendship and rekindle another, thus adding to my healthy resources.


4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will require me to use my life management skills particularly well?

I think it's possible that J will continue to behave passive-aggressively for a bit. I need to make sure to monitor whether or not I am maintaining my sanity and my boundaries in the face of this.

I also recognize that this morning I am feeling very angry. I think it is due to the way J has been behaving lately. I could see myself blowing up at him, as it feels like he is just picking at me continuously to make that happen. Blowing up at him is generally not part of my vision for myself (though there have been times where I had no other choice, and I did find it to be beneficial), so I want to make sure I don't do it when/if it is not consistent with my vision.


5. Where is my focus? Am I struggling with obsessiveness? Are there any goals that I want to challenge myself to achieve that will address the need to shift my focus from this obsession?

I think I am doing okay here. My focus has primarily been on making myself happy. I haven't been entirely successful, but that is where my effort has been going.


6. Are there any insights that I want to focus on? Action plans to implement?

It is going to be a busy week, lots to do. So, I haven't lined up any special things to try to implement this week. Still, something ay come up and I'll evaluate if action plans are needed then.

I'll preface this whole rant by saying that most of the time J seems to be in recovery. The bad days are getting less frequent and less severe. The good days are becoming more prevalent.

But, today has not been a good day.

J got home from work and at first he acted all nice and sweet and, well, healthy. He got on my good side, got past my walls, and then he asked, very nicely what I was angry about, as I had admitted earlier that I was angry. So, I told him. I didn't blow up at him, but I did allow myself to cry and to express my frustrations truthfully. And that's when the damn picking started. So subtly at first that I didn't catch on. Just a too long silence here, then a slightly invalidating comment there. Him staring off into space looking painfully bored. He was rubbing my shoulder (in a mechanical way) but that was his only show of support. When I said I wasn't feeling supported, he was quick to point out, "But I was rubbing your shoulder!" When I said that I felt like the conversation wasn't getting us anywhere, he asked why, and when I explained that I didn't feel heard or validated he argued against that. "Of course I am listening and I understand." "Then what are you hearing me say?" "What do you mean?" "You say you understand. What is it that you understand me to be saying?" "I told you I am listening." Etc.

I should have walked away. I actually tried to walk away, but got baited back in somehow (I don't even remember how, and I'm fairly sure it may have been me that did that baiting). I just wanted him to hear me, to understand me, so badly.

It kept devolving. Several times he shouted at me that I was yelling at him, when I am sure that I was not (I was very careful with my tone after the first accusation). He pulled out all the stops. All his new tricks and some of his old ones. For instance, now that I am much better at standing up for myself when he interrupts me, he has adopted a new habit of calling a "time out" in the middle of me speaking. When things start to sway to my side, like if I make a particularly good point or if his efforts to get under my skin are failing, he will "walk away for a minute," but if I don't try to stop him, he changes his mind and doesn't leave. Basically, if he is not winning an argument, he invokes his right to take time to cool down... and he will do this every time it is my turn to speak, sometimes three or four times in a row, until I decide I'm done trying to talk with him. Or there's the new psychobabble vocabulary he uses for table-turning and blameshifting and all of that crap. When he points out that I am "not thinking in a healthy way" or that I am not acting according to my vision. When he says, "You're just blameshifting!" or "That was a pretty passive-aggressive thing to say." His newest go-to trick is to criticize the way that I say things. If I say it in too many words, I am lecturing him. Too few words, I am being vague. If neither of those applies, then I "should be aware that that came across as really mean." Anything to avoid listening. It's an arms race.

And even though I know I can't win, can't benefit, sometimes I am just too stubborn to walk away. Or too nice. Or I just don't want to exacerbate the situation. Like today, I knew it was getting bad, but if I were to ask him to leave, then it might be days before he came back, and frankly there is just too much to get done this week to not have transportation and another set of hands. We have to get or make a table for our reptiles so that we can get heat to our newest edition (lest he get really sick and possibly die), but I can't transport a table or the supplies to make one. So then, when I have decided not to tell him to get lost, but I am still unwilling to internalize his crap, then I am just "stubborn." Maybe I am. If standing firm against the seeming manipulations of a person with a sexual addiction is stubborn, then I take that as a compliment. Matter-of-fact, I think many would be amazed at just how much fortitude, how much stubbornness, it takes to pull this off.

He points out that I am not perfect, so I should take his criticisms to heart. But I maintain that given our history, it makes much more sense for me to trust myself, and my own judgements of the situation, than to trust him.

Sometimes I think he has no real idea who I am. He often tells me, when I am being strong and responsive (but not reactive), when I am holding my ground and really not budging on my boundaries, in short, when I am doing really well for myself, that I am mistaking bitchiness for strength. Or that I am not being myself. Now that I am being more assertive, and, yes, bitchy (in a good way) he'll say, "This isn't who you are!" Or tell me he's sure this isn't in line with my vision. Not that he's bothered to read my vision. He'll tell me I'm being mean and selfish, and refuse to listen when I explain that nowhere in my vision for myself do I state that I want to be a doormat. He gets so upset when I am strong, and keeps saying I'm not me. Which just shows me he doesn't know me, not the me I was before this relationship, and not the me I want to be.

But yeah, today he got nasty. When the new tricks didn't work, he resorted to the old ones. He said that he was waiting for me to "take responsibility" to admit that the problems we are having are "just as much" my fault as they are his. To decide that he's not the only one who has to change, and that it is time to work on my problems, too. And, yes, I have Issues (with a capital "I"). I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I have anxiety attacks, and severe phobias, social anxiety and probably body-dysmorphic disorder (though that one didn't show up until after our first d-day). But I have done the therapy thing (with more therapists than I can count, thanks to insurance and moving and referrals and not finding most of them to be at all helpful). And I have read plenty of self-help books, and integrated the advice of the useful ones into my life. I meditate several times a week, and I work out. I take my prescriptions and my vitamins. I use EFT/tapping and affirmations. I am not unaware of my problems, and I do what I can to manage them and have even resolved some of them.

When I asserted that I didn't deserve the cheating and the lying, that I was faithful and honest, he just stared at me, one eyebrow slightly lifted, as if to say, "oh, really?"

And when I explained that because of the way he had "fucked with my head in the past," I would be a fool to trust him not to manipulate me now, he replied, word for word, "When it comes to manipulation, I look like a fucking Kindergartner next to you." But I know that's not true. I just have to remind myself of that. I know. Sure, maybe I could successfully manipulate people. I'm smart enough, know enough psychology, and am damn good at reading people. But that doesn't mean I do it. Not when it matters, and not in a bad way (I do it at work all the time, putting my customers at ease, turning their moods around). When I asked him for evidence, he stated that I needed to be able to listen to and consider what he was saying (i.e. internalize it unquestioned). When I asked for an example, asked who I had manipulated he shouted that I had manipulated him, and something about the last six years, and then looked pointedly around the house, like I had somehow fooled him into this life with me.

Right after that he declared that he didn't "want to hear it," every time I started to speak, and said he was going to go reseed the lawn. I said that I would do it, because he had given the ultimatum that if I didn't take responsibility for this, and accept that I am manipulative, and apologize to him for "everything," he would be leaving me, and I didn't feel it was fair to have him doing yardwork when I have no intention of meeting his conditions for continuing the relationship. His response was that after wasting six years of his life, after all the unfairness he had already suffered at my hands, a couple of hours of yardwork was the least of his concerns.

He lied. He cheated. He lied some more. He chewed me up and spat me out, for the sake of his fucking pornography addiction. He has broken my heart over and over, while keeping his own heart locked away in some dark place inside of him where I could not touch it. But, I AM THE ONE WHO WAS UNFAIR!?!? HE IS THE VICTIM HERE!?!? (Okay, I admit he is in some sense the victim of his addiction, but I did not victimize him.)

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!



Now that I have typed all that out it is even more clear to me how ridiculous he is being today, how blatantly unhealthy. Maybe it'll become clear to him and he'll come to me to apologize. But there is no way I am going to beg him to stay, no way I am internalizing this shit.

And, not that she'll likely read this, but I owe a thanks to AutumnRose for her analogy of the "man behind the curtain," it made me laugh out loud (enough to make me tear up actually) when I first read it, and it helped to keep me sane today. Watching the little inner-addict scrambling around frantically to prove to me that he is Oz, the great and powerful, to scare me into submission with his repertoire of parlor tricks. And realizing that it would only work if I let it. That the man behind the curtain couldn't scare me without my own participation.



He just came back inside after several hours of cooling off. I have been informed that I have nothing to say to him, he has no desire to speak with me. Ouch. Deep breaths... I do not need him. I do not need an unhealthy partner. I am better off alone than going back to that. If that is what it comes down to, I will be fine. Deep breaths...



It's funny that I feel guilty for generally only journaling here when things are bad. I feel like that friend who only calls to share their pain, but not their joy. And then I think about it an remember that this is a journal, and I chuckle at myself.

1. Over the past seven days, where did I find satisfaction and meaning? What made me feel vibrant, in touch, alive, like myself?

I went to the library. I haven't done that in years. Unfortunately, it was a quick stop to pick up a book I requested on my brand spankin' new library card, and I couldn't stay long, but still... it was a whole building full of books. Books I can borrow. For free. Sooooo exciting.

The book I'd requested is an usually readable book specific to my own rather unusual field of interest/education. I haven't read much in this subject since college. I am really getting a lot of stimulation reading this.

I bought myself an Autumn Purple Ash!

And J finally gave me his blessing to pick out more trees for the yard. I have had a lot of fun looking up tree stuff online.

Very good talk with M tonight at a diner. I learned a lot I hadn't known about his childhood and family life.

Been relaxing quite a bit, when possible. Feels nice.

Got a lot of much-needed cleaning done this morning. Felt productive, and sang along loudly to "My Escape" by Reliant K, realized just how much that song hits home. Felt really good to sing and clean, oddly.


2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion? Did I behave in contrast to my vision? If so, how/when/why?

Big fight on Monday. We kinda hashed it out, but I still feel as if some things were swept under the rug. (He said some very mean things, and after the fact, instead of taking responsibility for saying them, he spun them in such a way as to make them not mean.) I'm still feeling rather sore about it.

My youngest kid's birthday party. Spending time being ignored by the kids I love in their bio-mom's new house, surrounded by the people she invited to the party. It was stressful, but I think I handled it well.

Baking all the cupcakes for this party. A lot of cupcakes. A lot of stress. A lot of missed sleep.

Also missed sleep to attend the party. Was exhausted.

J was also exhausted, and he was being rather mean and passive-aggressive because if it, and I was probably more sensitive because of my tiredness.


3. Given the goodness that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the things that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all? Did I end the week stronger or weaker in my ability to manage my life?

I survived this week, and am none the worse for the wear. All things considered, I'd call that a success. Also tested my new skills and boundaries and all of that and found them to be pretty good. Not perfect, but not bad.


4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will require me to use my life management skills particularly well?

Mondays often suck. He comes home from work and starts fights, and usually we have plans that I need his help to realize on these days, like getting the kids, or today renting a truck and picking up my new tree. I am also less inclined to tell him too shove off when it is just before his weekend, so he could spend the next three days doing whatever. This morning I plan to pay careful attention to what is going on, so that I can be sure if it is him starting these fights, and try to stop it before it threatens my boundaries and puts me into a values conflict (i.e. enforce boundary at price of letting kids down, or letting me down).


5. Where is my focus? Am I struggling with obsessiveness? Are there any goals that I want to challenge myself to achieve that will address the need to shift my focus from this obsession?

I have gotten into the role of mother/therapist/nag again, taking on responsibility for his recovery by reminding him, trying to convince him, etc. Once again I have resolved to not bring up recovery to J. Not remind him to do the work, not nag him, not ask him what he's been doing. I hope practice makes this easier.


6. Are there any insights that I want to focus on? Action plans to implement?

See above.

I also want to address with him the issue of him not taking responsibility for some of the terrible and disrespectful things he says to me. I don't know how this will go, but I feel remiss not acknowledging it.

This is a few days late, and I'm actually defying the instructions by making this from Monday the 15 to Monday the 22nd, but that was a big week. Most of this I had already thought through in the shower on Monday morning, but this is the first chance I've had to write it.

1. Over the past seven days, where did I find satisfaction and meaning? What made me feel vibrant, in touch, alive, like myself?
On Monday we went and picked out and paid for trees. I looooove buying stuff for my house and yard, especially living stuff.

Monday evening we had a talk with my stepdaughter all alone. She actually said, for the first time, that she is aware that her bio-mom was mostly absent from the time she was in 1st grade until the end of 5th. She also said that her father and I have been around consistently the whole time. Recognition I have been craving for years.

I spontaneously (and happily) initiated sex Tuesday morning.

Tuesday was spent running around in our rental truck picking up trees and a craigslist freezer. It was just really fun.

Also Tuesday, J admitted that he has been "stubborn" and un-thinking about the tree thing, because for years he has been telling me no to trees, for no reason. More recognition I have been craving.

While it was painful, my confidence and sense of strength benefited greatly by asking J to leave (in response to persistent boundary-violation) and by standing my ground, and by making it through okay. Also kept the house together and kept myself fed and more-or-less busy.

Enjoyed my alone time (somewhat). Solitude is important for me.

Went shopping with my mom. Just nice to bond with her.


2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion? Did I behave in contrast to my vision? If so, how/when/why?
Yes, fighting with J on Wednesday (after he was caught in a lie and proceeded to minimize, blame-shift, table-turn, and finally insult me) was a huge drain.

Telling him to leave (in response to above communication issues) took a lot of strength. Standing firm took more.

All of his continued attempts to break me down were a drain.

I don't know that it was as severe as a contrast to my vision, but I did not act according to my better judgement when I continued to engage with him.

Also had my annual review at work, and was rather insulted by my "supervisor's" ignorance of my competence and knowledge. However, as I work alone, and thus am not actually supervised or monitored, I suppose I can't expect them to understand how good I am at my job. This insult was rather softened by my worries about J.


3. Given the goodness that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the things that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all? Did I end the week stronger or weaker in my ability to manage my life?
I ended stronger, by far. I stood up for myself, and stayed standing. I kept my life moving forward in the absence of a partner. I also had some very good times in the context of the relationship which give me hope for later, hope for a later with J that does not require me to be miserable.


4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will require me to use my life management skills particularly well?
This is a bit of a cheat, because I have already faced the work of reconciling with J, and doing so without sacrificing my boundaries and self-worth. But, I knew before that happened that this would be big test of my will and of how much I have grown. Did I just let him come back without addressing the issues? No. Did I stand my ground enough that I felt satisfied that I was respecting myself? Yes. Did I offer understanding and support of my partner without letting myself down? Yes. Was it difficult? Yes, but not as difficult as I had feared, or as it once would have been. I'm getting better at this.

Another source of stress might be that I'm planning to visit my grandmother in her nursing home, where she is in hospice care. She also might not remember who I am.


5. Where is my focus? Am I struggling with obsessiveness? Are there any goals that I want to challenge myself to achieve that will address the need to shift my focus from this obsession?
I have found myself worrying a lot lately about J's recovery efforts, or lackthereof. His foot-dragging passive approach to this. I am challenging myself to not ask him about his recovery or mention it or anything for a bit. He has been told that he needs to initiate the next recovery talk, and while it has been a couple of weeks since our last "weekly" recovery talk, I need to leave that ball in his court.

I was struggling with a loss of vibrance, fun, and positive emotion in my life when J was gone. I need to increase my own skills at meeting this need for myself. Not sure how. Maybe working harder to savor my solitude and to find things to do when alone. Figuring out more stuff I enjoy that I can do even better when no one is there, like singing along or dancing.


6. Are there any insights that I want to focus on? Action plans to implement?
See above.