Recovery Nation

Firstly I would like to say how amazing it was to read the introductions to Partners Recovery. It was like the author/s were inside my head. It gave me great confidence in taking part in this recovery process.

My nightmare began on Tuesday 13 March 2012. My husband, who has always spent hours early in the morning on his laptop at his desk, had to leave it in a hurry because a workman arrived. Whilst he was outside I had to use his computer for a phonecall because I don't have that facility loaded on mine. I noticed a website on the top bar with a title like "Russian woman with big **** being f*****" I didn't look at it, I was just bemused. I immediately asked my husband how it was there and he said "Oh I suppose I downloaded it" and then rushed upstairs to delete it.

(I have the shakes and feel sick just reliving all this) but I will put it all down.

Obviously this lead to a big row when he admitted to viewing internet porn and said it was quite normal and that everyone did it. We had various discussions about it during the next few days and he said if I was that bothered he would stop. He also said it was a lifetime thing for him because he had had a sexual rejection when young and didn't feel confident sexually. This was after years of what I had always considered to be a happy and satisfactory sexlife between us.

I must have lead a very sheltered life because, at nearly 70, I had no idea that this foul behaviour was common. Obviously one hears and reads about porn but I always thought it was something unusual and quite separate from my life or my husband who I loved, respected and trusted.

So many traumas along the way (I wish I had written things down but was too out of my mind to think straight) so am hazy about when things happened, anyway, we had an uneasy relationship for a while. I need to say here that we had not had a sexually active relationship for years and it only happened when I initiated it. I assumed that he had gone off sex but now realise he had gone off me in favour of porn whores.

In April we were apart for a week and I decided to look on my laptop at search history. I had my Google search history on. He never has and I now realise why. What I found on MY Google web history, "just" in images, horrified me and there were cookies to the most foully named porn sites. Because my netbook has been the one taken with us on holiday he had been using it when we were away. For so many years, this has been going on daily in the room next to where I was sleeping early in the morning, even on holiday. I also discovered lots from the past on my home computer which he used when his was out of action for some time. He must have loved me being upstairs watching classic TV series on my own so that he could "do his thing" without disturbance in the evening too. What sickens me is that he would come to bed after staying up later than me, obviously having been at it and give me a cuddle and say he loved me before turning over to sleep. Other times I discovered were if I were out on my own for the evening for a girls potluck dinner, etc.

When he came back I showed him what I had found and we had another BIG discussion. He said he hadn't realised how upset I was and hadn't expected me to react in this way. His attitude was, and is, "it's normal what's the big deal?".

Strangely, mostly because I wanted it and initiated it, we resumed a reasonable sexual relationship at this time. He said that he needed to ejaculate at least once a week (inferring that if it wasn't me it would be "them"). I really thought we had got our relationship back on track at this time. A little help was often needed for performance but I thought this must be natural for a man in his sixties. I really tried to make myself as attractive as I could, dressed smarter around the house, bought new underwear, etc. etc. How pathetic of me, he didn't appreciate it he only wanted shaved pubes and bit tits.

(Hope this is not too explicit!)

Anyway, in May I thought it wise to check with him that he was still staying away from internet porn. He looked me in the eye, in our kitchen, in the middle of the day and promised me that he had done nothing since our discussions.

Along the way after that several things got me suspicious.

When discussing how clever financial people can get round anything he said "Naughty boys will find a way around everything". One morning early I went to his home office and there was a very suspicious smell, when asked he said it was because he hadn't showered yet. Then one evening I was watching tv on my own (as always) and when I went to his office during an advert break he quickly switched screens and looked very hot and bothered and was radiating heat.

I went up to his office unusually early on the morning of Sat. 24 November and found him mbing to porn. This was just about 6 hours after we had made love!!! He was out that afternoon so I checked his cookie logs (he had deleted all incriminating history) and found constant porn access during most of the last 8 months. I left it visible on his screen for when he came back. When challenged he admitted that he was a big liar.

Lots of other examples of lies, lies, lies about all this.

He is now supposed to be doing the recovery process for himself but only started it because I found various help sites and sent him links.

II. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Healing Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

I started by listing all the values I could think of which are important to me, some of them might not really be values, but they seem important. Not in any particular order.

Trust : Integrity/honesty : Being a good mother : Sincerity : Love : Faithfulness : Affection Being there for people/a good friend : Joy/fun/laughter : Creativity : Awareness of others : Confidence : Healthy Life : Self esteem/fulfillment : Calmness : Accomplishment : Understanding : Balance

My vision is to attain a healthy, happy, balanced life. I would like to live in the house and the place where I am writing this for the rest of my life. It's a second home and for various reasons I can't always be here but this is where I am most happy. (Apart from the very bad feelings I get because this is where I discovered the addiction, which has poisoned it somewhat in my mind, but I still love it more than the other house).

There are lots of things I want to do with the house and garden but at the moment I don't feel very motivated to push for them because I can't see the way forward in our relationship.

I really need love and affection in my life but don't see where that is coming from either apart from my daughter but she lives a very long way away.

My vision of a perfect life would be here, in a happy relationship, sharing good things together, trusting each other, enjoying visits from the family, travelling a bit, gardening, socialising with good friends, keeping fit and healthy. To live with somebody who notices me and openly appreciates me. To wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night without these horrible negative thoughts about what was always going on at this time of day and which I hope isn't now, but how do I really know. Even though I am getting old I would also like a reasonable sex life but that's not likely now I guess because I can't bear him to touch me at all.

Improving my foreign language skills are important too

Lesson 3.


In your healing thread...

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

For example:
Situation--my husband called to tell me he had to work late. I called him later that night and there was no answer. He said that his cell phone had died. My gut told me that something was not right. I ignored my gut because I didn't think there was any way he could lie to me so convincingly.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

For example:
My husband says he is trying hard in recovery and I want to believe him, but the objective signs just aren't there.

Response:

Been thinking about this one.

Basically because I was so naive about all this I didn't pick up on anything until it was there in my face.

Since I now know some type of porn has been part of his life since youth I am amazed that nothing came up before. Before internet porn there were magazines (and whatever else was available then ??) He says he never brought any to the house.

About 12-15 years ago he was given a "Secret Santa" present by his younger employees which was a soft porn video. I just thought it was a joke. Now I wonder if they knew something I didn't. He says he never accessed porn at work but maybe he just thought he had covered his tracks. His clever young computer guys could easily have found out.

Often over the last 10 years or so when I have complained about the amount of time he spends on his computer, friends, who maybe were more knowing than me, used to ask me in a serious way what on earth he was doing. Stupid me, I didn't even give porn a consideration.

So, the only concrete things I can put down are the ones I have already mentioned in a previous lesson. These definitely set off alarm bells but I didn't really want to rock the boat of what I thought was us getting our relationship back on track so I told myself I was being paranoid. -----------

When discussing how clever financial people can get round anything he said "Naughty boys will find a way around everything".
One morning early I went to his home office and there was a very suspicious smell, when asked he said it was because he hadn't showered yet.
Then one evening I was watching tv on my own (as always) and when I went to his office during an advert break he quickly switched screens and looked very hot and bothered and was radiating heat.

Exercise Four
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

He is affectionate, i.e. he wants affection, likes cuddling even when he hasn't wanted sex with me for ages. I love being cuddled and miss it a lot but don't want it with him now.

I believe that he is basically an honest person. He swears he has always been honest with me about everything except his porn addiction. I don't know if I believe that this is absolutely the truth but don't know.

He works hard at things (to the point of being so involved with any job that the world could end around him and he wouldn't notice).

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

For example: "He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body and I don't expect this to change. The way he acts when he is around his friends. His laziness around the house." There is no reason to share these with your partner. They are only your best guess, as it is impossible to directly identify just how significant a transformation some people experience.

Response:

He is not at all in touch with his feelings, doesn't have any feminine side. If his recovery process with RN can alter this it will be a miracle. He really only deals in facts and intellectual thought processes. For instance when we are together alone for a length of time, e.g. long car journeys, gardening, etc. he always spouts facts at me and, unless I force the issue, never emotional things.

He drives me round the bend when we are in social situations by talking too much, lecturing people, telling them things they probably already know without checking. It's probably an overcompensation for insecurity (don't know why) and we have discussed it many times but he never changes.

Not being aware of me. Even now when he is not my favourite person in the world I am always aware of where he is and what he is doing, his moods, etc. etc. I can walk right past him, stand in front of him, etc. but if he is concentrating on something else he is totally unaware that I am there.

He was obviously not brought up by his parents to be polite in my terms and have what I believe to be good table manners. He makes an effort to say "please" and "thankyou" these days but it's not natural for him. This is not to say that he is rude but the p's and q's are not a natural part of his speech.

Hello scornedforporn,

It is because the contributors are previous coaches and members of this community. Coach Jon (founder of RN) had created the site originally for persons will addiction, and then some partners spoke up to him and said “what about out”. So the workshop was created with their input, based around the original addiction recovery workshop (which has since been revised, I think upon more than one occasion). Anyhow, I am glad you feel relatedness in the work, and I am sure you will find the same in the community. Welcome to Recovery Nation.

He didn’t go off you so much as he went off of the associations. For addiction to survive within an otherwise healthy relationship, the person with addiction has to create a separation (compartmentalize) between their social (“normal”) lives and their secret (addicted) lives. So, because you are part of that social life (in fact, you probably the key representative of that life, since you are such a big part of his life) you are also the biggest threat to his addiction. What this all means to say is--it isn’t personal, i.e. it isn’t directly about you, it is about what you represent.

In your own healing thread, you can be more liberal in your use of language. In the community support forum this might be moderated, especially if there was a complaint. Everyone has different values about language, and what is “too explicit” and so we err on the side of caution in the community support forum.

What would it mean to invest time on the garden and house? How is that connected to your relationship? If gardening and tending to the house are things you value, maybe these are things worth doing for their own sake, and not because they are in some way related to an outcome (that is, an outcome related to your relationship)?

You have lots of value within your vision. Good start. This is the foundation for all of the vision and values work in the workshop. If you would like to expand your vision work, there is a “how to” listed at the top of the community support forum. One thing we do recommend with the vision is to claim it using terms like: “I value love and affection”, or, “I am a woman who is loving and affectionate”.

Many people share this experience. You were not stupid for not considering porn because you didn’t have prior experience to assume anything untoward. Instead, you trusted! Which is healthy. That he was violating that trust does not mean you were stupid to trust.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

Response:

A. Well, I have had a lot of stress in my life in the last 8 years or so due to living in a country where I became extremely unhappy with the weather, not having my own home, etc. I became very irrational many times. This manifested itself by me screaming and punching cushions to let off steam, leaving the house and wandering around outside in the late evening, screaming out of the house and going off into the countryside to cry. These were all short bursts of irrational behaviour and usually made me feel better for a while.

B. I have spent a day thinking about this one and googling compulsive behaviour etc. but really don't think I have ever engaged in any compulsive behaviours.

C. My instant reponse to this is that he would withdraw even further into his shell, be more grumpy, unresponsive, bad tempered, unfriendly. I don't think he would have found any activities to take the place of his addiction. He would deny his emotions (which he has pretty much always done anyway) and push them far down into his consciousness.
If I look back to when he was young, way before I knew him, when the seeds of the addiction were sown, when he used porn mags and masturbation instead of relationships with girls during his college days then I don't know. I do know that he had stopped doing all the sport he did before which should have been an outlet at that time but obviously wasn't. I guess it was purely intellectual pursuits that stimulated him.

Lesson 6.

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

Response:

B. In the early years of our relationship (which started as a mature one because we had both been married before), for me, our sexlife was good, so I can't bring up any patterns from then. These were days before home computers so if he was accessing any porn it must have been magazines. He tells me that at this stage of our relationship he wasn't.
Later on in our marriage I went through various phases when I was very stressed mainly by housing situations, somewhat by work and went through a few bad patches with minor health problems. I always realised that he couldn't emotionally cope or help with my problems and just went into his shell. I am sure now that he coped by using more and more porn.
I have recently, during our many discussions, told him that during these times some good sex initiated by him would probably have helped me but it is just not within him to make advances in difficult situations.
This isn't really to the point of this exercise but is what occurs to me in this context. These are not sexual behaviors in fact quite the opposite but are, I am sure, factors in his increasing use of porn.

Hi sfp,

Not sure how it happened, but Coach B found your thread over in the recovery forum, so I have moved it back here (in case you were looking for it and couldn't find...)

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Lesson 6

1 Objectified Mind :

These are quotes from the lesson which I have altered slightly to completely describe my situation :

To them, there is nothing 'wrong' with their behavior, but rather, it is more the prudish nature of their spouse that is the problem. So true. "Everybody does it" "I am not a bad person" "I didn't think it would bother you"

Sex within the relationship is practically non-existent...as a moral conflict has developed between his secret life and the life that is shared with you. And where there is moral conflict, there is condemnation and sabotage to ensure that such sexual behavior does not occur. The sabotage in my case was his excuse that I was too stressed by outside factors or had small health problems so he couldn't inflict sex on me. Also, he repeatedly said, when I forced the issue and asked him why we didn't have sex any more that "he couldn't force himself on me" which was a big joke because the only time we made love was when I initiated it.

How can a man who is in love with his wife, masturbate with a porn whore just hours after making love to that wife? More so, how could they do such a thing and feel completely justified that their actions had 'nothing to do with' how they felt about their partner?

The objectified mind is the mind that disassociates the person from the action. When they view porn for instance, they are not viewing a real person, but merely a stimulus that can be used for their own personal gratification. He has repeatedly said that he did not view these creatures as real women.

Immediate Gratification:

It was obviously this which prompted him to go up to his computer and immediately load porn and start mbing very early the morning I caught him at it, which was a few hours after we made love. Also it was immediate gratification, never mind the risks of being caught, which made him do it whenever I was in another room watching television.

Observing .... :

His parents were dead before I knew him so all I know is that he had an "old" father who was away on business a lot. A mother who worked full time. A woman who lived in to housekeep etc. (very deaf and bad tempered). An older sister, who I do know, and who, I think, would have been disinterested in him while he was growing up. Added to this his mother died when he was around 13 or 14 and he didn't know she was ill until the very end. Not a good scenario for anyone really.


Regarding life skills, then yes, as I have said in another lesson, he has great analytical, business skills but denies anything to do with emotions. I believe this has been a pattern of his life (shutting away anything which brings up bad emotions) so emotional skills have never developed normally.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication

After his first few recovery lessons he (as had been suggested) said he wanted to share things with me. He made me read the bit about me being supportive and not critical, which I agreed with. I think he has taken me through what he has been doing twice and took onboard a couple of my suggestions for his lists etc. They were positive discussions and made me feel that he was really committed to recovery.

I know he has been working through other lessons but has not shared anything with me, or discussed them, for some weeks now.

I have said nothing because these, my healing lessons, told me not to try to manage his recovery and I thought maybe he is working through something long and complicated which needs time before he can discuss it ???? However, having now read this lesson of mine perhaps I should encourage him to talk to me???

He knows that I am doing partners recovery. At the very beginning of it he started asking questions/making comments and I was very short with him and told him I didn't want him intellectualizing my efforts!

I have looked at nothing on the recovery forum to see what he is doing because I really believe that he must share with me voluntarily.

When he did discuss lessons with me he said he was going to change and become a different person and that I might not like that person!! Well, I don't like the person he became and I certainly don't like the fact that he has always found it impossible to relate to emotions so if he can get in touch with those I will like that. There's certainly no evidence of a change towards becoming a more open person yet. He is making an effort to try and be pleasant.


II. Managing your partner's recovery

As I said above, I have taken onboard that it is important not to try to do this. This is why I have said nothing about him not sharing lessons with me. Maybe now I will try and encourage him to???


III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health

Not sure what this means so have to go back and re-read the lesson.
Still not sure one day later so will pass on this.

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

The only attention either of us have had is from this site and as I don't know what his lessons comprise I don't know what to say.
I am much better at soulsearching than him so am thinking deeply about the partners workshop I am doing. Sometimes it makes me feel depressed but I know it is important to keep working through it because to opt out halfway would probably be a very negative thing to do.

I realise that there have to be lessons focussing on why he became like he is but I still can't understand why he became so screwed up about sex. We all had rejections or unhappinesses in relationships, it was all a part of growing up.

Getting back to the point I really don't know what I can do to ensure that my healing is considered as important - by whom? - by my husband? I think he just believes that as long as he is pleasant and tries to be considerate towards me (and of course, hopefully, honest and trustworthy) I should "get over it".

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

We need to talk about emotions and how we are really feeling about things in a caring way without him shutting himself off from me.

-----------

I am feeling very depressed and angry tonight. Something today has made me realise how disgusting and foul I find anything to do with porn. There are references to it everywhere, explicit advertisements everywhere. It's there all the time so how can he, after a lifetime of porn, just stop? How can I believe he will. Why should I be spending my precious time doing all this stuff because of his weakness, stupidity, grossness?? If he hadn't gone back to it all when he promised he wouldn't then I wouldn't even have ever heard of this site. It's a ridiculous and unfair life.

Also, tonight he was on his computer after I had gone to bed. I asked him if I should be suspicious and he replied as though he was a complete innocent who had never done anything I would not like and then changed the subject. That's not giving me much confidence that his lessons are helping him to think about what he has done and talk to me about it when I am concerned.

Exercise Eight
While this workshop is about rebuilding your life, you are nonetheless impacted by the ongoing behavior of your partner (unless you have completely broken away from the relationship). For those who continue to be impacted by their partner's behavior:

A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?

----
A lot to read and try to take in in this lesson.
Overall I think, and hope, that he is on a healthy recovery path. He seems committed to it. I have got him to talk me through all he has been doing over the last few weeks but am afraid that some of his attitudes to it all made me very angry. Don't know why |I should say "am afraid" he caused all this not me. I do want him to succeed but still think he is approaching it completely intellectually and actually enjoying the process of making lists, planning his future life etc. because that's how his mind works.
He actually said yesterday that he thinks the first part of the process should be done by everyone as they retire!
Notes I have made whilst reading the lesson :
- he doesn't think what he did was immoral
- he has not been struggling with it for years, he has been enjoying it for relaxation, excitement, when bored, stressed, etc. This he has told me. He is not in any way guilty about it. He regards it rather as he would playing sport.
In the lesson it says :
Behavior that is committed by choice will land your partner in one of the other recovery categories--most likely the first: Those Who Will Continue to Struggle With Relapse.
This worries me a lot.

B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

Example: 1) He communicates only positive aspects of his recovery; that type of selective disclosure worries me. 2) His emotional immaturity when I bring up my pain. He gets angry or completely shuts down emotionally. 3) His apparent lack of motivation in working on himself and his recovery. It's like I have to push him every step of the way.

--------
Nos. 1) and 2) above are completely true. Now maybe,because he is still in early stages of the lessons he is only seeing positive aspects to it at present.

I was showing my pain about it all last night. He tried to be reasonable but still without any real understanding of how much I am hurt and suffering and feel that my whole life is blighted by this horrible knowledge which I can't stop thinking about whenever my mind is not occupied with other things, particularly when I can't sleep.

My no 3) is for him to acknowledge to himself and to me that a life of porn addiction is not normal and that my reaction is to be expected. He is being inconsistent in his comments about it. In the very beginning when I first found out he said that he didn't think it was anything I would mind about "because everyone does it". He then said that he realised I wouldn't like it if I did find out. Regarding all the lies that he wasn't back to his addiction after I first found out, he now says that he lied to protect me because he knew I would be very upset!!!

I don't know if his still insisting that he doesn't feel guilty about the action, only about hurting me, and that he is a good person and did nothing bad is a sign of an unhealthy recovery process??



Also there is the comment :
To expect an immediate cessation to their behavior is irrational and destructive-

Does this mean that everyone in recovery goes back to it as part of the process? He says he stopped immediately I found out this last time and has continued to do so.

If he goes back to it I shall consider it extremely destructive.

Exercise Nine

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

I have now read this lesson carefully twice and really don't know how to answer these questions.

I know he is working through the lessons and I now ask how they have gone and we discuss them briefly. He is now entering the phase of understanding his addiction.

These are some notes I made whilst reading this lesson :

It is true that immediately after the initial discovery there was lots of deception which went on for around 7-9 months (depending on how quickly he went back to it) until I found out again.

What I don't know is when in his recovery process I can expect him to recognize and admit to structural defects in his life and acknowledge that there are fundamental weaknesses at the core of his identity. I don't see any evidence of this at present.

The only sign is see relating to A is that he does appear to be doing the lessons, occasionally.

B. I don't see any real signs of an unhealthy recovery.

C. There is nothing to comment on. He doesn't seem to have changed in his attitudes to himself.

I don't know if these are all negative signs or if he is not far enough into the process to be expected to be being more forthcoming about everything.

Exercise Ten

Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.

For example:
1. My role as a healthy mom to my children
2. Deepening my spirituality
3. Having a supportive mom
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.


I have picked these 3 because they are something I personally can try to do something about.

1. Joy, fun, laughter
2. Creativity
3. Healthy life

1 is the most difficult to quantify and to apply rules to.
I am not getting much of these things at present, probably only when I am with other women friends.
Potentially I have to hope that one day these will be possible again with my husband.

2 is something I really need in my life and which has been somewhat missing this last year. I have always done a lot of sewing/craft/creative things. The home where I spend most of my time now does not have a room suitable for this or even a sewing machine so I am very restricted in what I can do. Interestingly at the start of 2013 I made a short list of things I wanted to achieve this year and sorting this one was on there.
I am getting some fulfillment from various small projects but have been unable to take part in some interesting challenges through lack of resources.
The potential is to have all the tools available so that I can tackle any project I want which will enhance my self esteem.

3 is something I am working hard on. Shortly after my discovery of my husband's 9 months of further lies and deception I found I had osteoporosis. A double whammy!! I am taking the non-drug supplements and exercise route to try and treat this.
I am getting some satisfaction (don't think fulfillment is the right word here) with the fact that I have educated myself a lot about osteo and am exercising much more than before.
The potential is to get into a good routine where I don't beat myself up if I miss a day.

C)

1. Seek the company of people with whom I can share these needs.

2. Set up a room here in which I can sew and create.

3. Study more appropriate exercise techniques so that I can vary my program to make it more interesting.

D)

1. Make an appointment with a woman friend to do something fun.
Apart from meeting women friends I have a date to go to the opera with one of them.

2. Make a list of all the things I need here for my new studio.
Done and now organising getting things here

3. Get an appointment with a coach I know who will teach me a new way of walking.
Finally happening this next Tuesday 19 March

EXERCISE 11

A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.

There are several guidelines to follow in writing this letter:

1) If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with anger, to the point where you experience a strong urge to act upon your emotions, then STOP. This is a letter that can be written at a later time. The benefit for doing it now is to purge yourself — in a safe and 'controlled' manner — of some of the extreme, intense emotions that you may be feeling. Or, to become aware of feelings that you may not have realized were there.

2) Do not write this letter in an environment where it can be read by your partner. This is for you to share your feelings openly and honestly — without thought to your partner's reaction.

3) If you would like to post this letter in your Personal Healing Thread, please do so, but it is not essential that you do.

B. Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior?

The key to this exercise will be in your ability to write a letter that, if you were to read this from their own hand, would fill you with confidence that they understand the pain and confusion they have caused you.
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