Recovery Nation

Exercise Thirty-Three
Rather than labeling yourself 'codependent', it is much healthier to think in terms of the patterns that you have engaged in that may be obstructing the recovery and/or healing process.

A. What patterns are you NOW ENGAGING IN that may be impeding the healing/recovery process? What unhealthy roles/thought patterns might you be holding onto?

As I am no longer with my husband I will list any patterns that may be impeding my personal healing.

"I must be a perfect partner. And a perfect partner stands by their man when they are in trouble."
This thought is difficult for me to deal with because while I know in my heart and mind that I made the right choice for me...I, at times, feel guilty for “abandoning” him. At my weakest moments I sometimes feel that I left him to wallow in his addiction and that my leaving has caused him to sink so far down into the depths of his addiction I fear his future. I do not regret my decision. I put myself first...my needs, my values, my health. Part of my co-dependency is a desire to have others approve of me and all my choices; and I must admit that when I read other’s posts about how they feel they would be a bad partner or bad friend if they left – I stand in judgment of myself. I see what they mean and I understand and respect their opinions of their situations, and yet I feel guilty...that I was a bad partner or a bad friend for not standing by M. I know inside this thinking is unhealthy and actually quite incorrect, but in my sad and weak moments this thought does impede my personal healing. This no longer has anything to do with M and his addiction or acting out...this is now all about me and how these patterns of thoughts and feelings impact my own healing and recovery. I think I hold on to this because I was always the good one. I was always the one others can count on and depend on. I was always the one to help and rescue those in trouble. These are the patterns from my childhood, absolutely 100%. My sister was a compulsive liar, my mother was suffering from severe depression...I was the caretaker, I became the mother to my mother in so many ways. It was my role...my job, my duty. I came second...I always did, and putting myself first always felt wrong so it was something I rarely – if ever – did.

The Victim
I have related to this term for too long. Yes, I feel like a victim because I was lied to, deceived, cheated on, stolen from, abused and manipulated. I was hurt beyond words, someone else caused me pain that was almost unbearable I felt at times I would die. To a certain degree I think I may always feel this way...but the fact is I played a role in how I got here. I accepted the way he treated me. I accepted the emotional abuse and the verbal insults. I may not have seen it for what it was at the time, but I allowed it nun-the-less. M told me so many times that my feelings were wrong, my feelings were pointless and my feelings were unfair and hurtful. I had no right to have my feelings, and I had no right to share my feelings. On some level I didn’t agree, but I accepted. And my acceptance allowed me to stay in the relationship when others would have left.

B. Of these patterns/roles, what have you done/think you should do to change them?
To change the pattern of thinking related to "I must be a perfect partner. And a perfect partner stands by their man when they are in trouble." I think I have already taken the most important step...which was actually putting myself first. I had written out a list before I left M that detailed why I felt I had to leave the marriage. If I can take out that list and remind myself of why I left I think my guilt will ease up. Seeing that phrase over and over “He is aroused by little girls” really clears a lot of those feelings up for me. I may in fact write a new list “why leaving was the best choice for me”. The amazing ladies here on RN have reminded me so many times that I can’t feel guilty or beat myself up for failures, or perceived failures. And the fact is...this wasn’t a failure. A failure of my marriage yes, but it was a victory for me...for my life and my future.

To change the pattern of thinking related to being a victim I think I am on the right track. It was a pattern I learned in childhood – not being allowed to have my feelings or express them – that allowed me to accept M’s treatment of me. If I can do the work and remind myself that it was not a coincidence that I ended up in the relationship I did, I may start to feel like less of a victim. To clarify, if I had ever known that M was a porn or sex addict I would not have gotten involved with him, but I know women who would not have accepted what I did, and it was my past experiences and lessons that allowed me to stay. I may always see myself a victim – or better, a survivor – of his actions and betrayals, but I also need to learn and accept and be honest with myself about how I got here. I do not want to repeat these patterns in my future and so recognizing my role will facilitate a healthier future – in a relationship or on my own.

Absolutely!


Great Insight!



I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and maintaining awareness for your health.



Journalling these situations and creating new correct thought habits for such triggers may assist you in generating peace.

Your unwavering commitment to your personal healing is apparent as is your level of insight and integrity. I would also like to add an acknowledgment of a personal note that you are a great contribution to this community.

Be well.

Thank you very much CoachMel.

I really do feel committed to myself and my healing. I have ups and downs as expected, but I want to get better. I want to feel better. And I want to have a healthy future free from the mistakes I made this time, and free of the pain I have experienced. I need to take this as the glaring oppotunity it is.

Exercise Thirty-Four
A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life?

I am trying to take this situation and use it to make positive, healthy choices and decisions for my future.

Relationships – This area of my life experienced severe consequences from M’s addiction. His manipulations and abuses throughout our relationship were damaging and very detrimental to me and our ability to relate and be healthy together. Being in a relationship where my feelings and perceptions were devalued and ignored felt normal to me because that was what I grew up with. The sexual acting out was new to me and not something I had ever been aware of previously. Both aspects of his addiction have had many consequences and implications to me and my life, and will play a role in any decisions I make down the road regarding relationships. I choose to see this as a positive consequence. I was very blinded to the reality I was in and now that the light has been turned on I will not allow myself to ignore those things I need and want from a relationship. I choose to use this as a lesson in what not to do and what not to allow or accept. The emotional and mental characteristics I would look for in a possible future mate will be closely examined and weighed. I would pay more heed to their behaviour and their family’s behaviour, as I have recently become aware of my Family of origin issues; as well as recently noticing commonalities in behaviour from M’s other siblings and parents. A consequence from M’s addiction in my life is also that I will be more conscious of my actions and behaviours in a relationship. My ability to bring myself fully to the table feels extremely hindered and I do fear I would always hold a piece of myself back. Right now, that feels like a positive, but down the road it may be a negative, so that would be something to readdress at a later time in my healing. My ability to trust has been severely damaged and this is a very big consequence for me to deal with…and will play a large role in any decisions I make in future relationships. But, again I can see this as a positive. I will never blindly trust someone or accept their word when actions tell me otherwise. I will trust myself more, which will help me to trust others. A decision in the future that would be greatly affected by M’s addiction is marriage. I don’t want to get married again. The time, the effort the planning that goes into a wedding is not something I want to do again. Making pledges to love someone forever is not something I want to do again. And believing in someone’s vows to me again…is not something I feel is possible.

Sexuality– This area of my life has seen enormous consequences. Because of the negative experiences I had with M in this regard a consequence of this would be that if I am sexual again in the future, I will have a greater understanding of healthy sexuality and my own likes, dislikes and boundaries. I had no concept of sexuality – healthy or otherwise – and anything related felt wrong, and shameful. I think because I loved and trusted M I accepted his concept of sexuality…even though I didn’t agree with it or like it. If I choose to be sexual with someone in the future my decisions will be impacted by this experience with M. But, I hope…in a good way. I would expect to feel triggered somewhat if I am sexual again, but my choices…my decisions as to what kind of sex I will participate in will be positively impacted. Even without being sexual, I do want to learn about healthy sexuality. This is a decision that is based on my experience with M, but it’s positive…because I am learning from this and recognizing that I was never taught healthy sexuality and that I really have no frame of reference.

Having Children – This is a huge decision to make and is one that has been greatly impacted (destroyed) by M’s addiction. I have issues of my own not related to M and his addiction, but I did believe that I would have been a good mother. M’s addiction has created issues and concerns for me and a consequence of this is that I no longer feel equipped to offer a child a healthy home. My sensitivities and fears regarding sex and sexuality are extremely heightened, and that would absolutely create a complex in any child. My current inability to trust and lack of desire to trust is not healthy and is not something I would want to pass on to a child. Considering my past with sexual abuse and considering M’s sexual interest in children my fears regarding keep my child safe feels overwhelming. Even if I found a healthy, mature mate with no sexual interest in children, I worry that I would still fear and question their intentions and actions with that child. Besides, because I lost 7 years with M I feel the possibility of healing, moving on, finding someone I love, getting married then having children would happen so far in the future my eggs will have dried up by then!

Finances – This area of my life was greatly affected by M and his addiction, however I do believe a consequence from this is a positive one…I am now saving money as well as paying down debts. My father is a big believer in saving money and having money to live your life. M was always so negative and I got so caught up in that and brought down by that. Now that I am no longer with him I see the reality…and the reality is, you can save for things you want, for trips you want. Life doesn’t have to be the daily struggle he made it out to be and if I had never left him I would still be caught up in that negative mindset.

Public Information – This is kind of strange I guess, but since this all happened I had deleted all photos of myself from public forums like facebook. Knowing how all photos can be perverted and used for disturbing purposes has caused me to think twice about having my image out there in the world. While this consideration is triggering and upsetting, I think this is positive. I would also never decide to post images of my nieces, or anyone else’s children on the internet.

B. Referring specifically to your partner, take some time to consider the addictive patterns over the course of his/her lifetime. Imagine your partner as a child. Imagine them as a teen. Imagine them as an adult. Imagine them in other relationships. Gain a firm grasp as to how similar patterns have helped them to manage their life. What thoughts come to mind?

Because M was introduced to sexual activity and pornography at such a young age I think he developed an early fascination with it. I think having 2 parents who were sexually rigid and yet who dismissed his getting caught with porn at age 8 gave him conflicting ideas about sexual material and sexuality. It may have instilled a sense of it’s not a big deal…just don’t discuss it. I believe his father’s abuse towards him – physical and emotional – had a large impact on his self-esteem. The bullying he suffered for years – verbal and physical – also greatly deteriorated his self-esteem. While his mother was comforting I believe her own emotional immaturity prevented any learning opportunities for him on how to deal with his feelings and self-esteem issues. I believe that his father’s constant negativity about people, life and his job became ingrained in M as he was identical with those thoughts and perceptions.

I think M learned how to self-soothe through masturbation and fantasy because true emotional support and comfort wasn’t offered in any other capacity in his life. I think he felt great shame over his appearance and so his fantasy included those he felt he could never “get”…the fake, plastic mass-produced images of porn stars. I think masturbation was the first addiction to appear in his life, but as he got older other addictions – mild and severe – came into existence. I think he always used something unhealthy as a way to manage his emotions, stress and self-esteem. There was sports and pumping iron in high-school, and eventually drinking, smoking, drugs and work – I believe these were all addictions for him. His first time having sex was with a girl 4 years older who simply had sex with him to initiate him to the sports team. I don’t know if he ever had positive views of women. I think he viewed them as being there to serve a purpose for him, not just sexually but in any capacity…to keep him company, make him feel better. I think his family is very passive-aggressive and he learned this trait perfectly. Playing the martyr, or the victim, waiting for others to rescue him and tell him how to make things better, yet at the same time making it sound like he always knows best. He learned to make snide remarks and hurtful comments then pass them off as jokes, or apologize right away as if that negates the damage already done. He managed his negative feeling (I believe) by claiming to always see the humour in things. He never admitted that he could only see the humour in his bad behaviour…never in others. He has, a few times over the past 2 and a half years, tried to get me to see the humour in his acting out and in the addiction.
I think a family trait he has learned is to brush aside and ignore the negative and concentrate on or make up the positives. While this may sound good, I think the way it’s done…by ignoring, minimizing and pretending takes away the opportunity to learn from his mistakes and take responsibility for his actions. His family never wanted to know the negatives, so I think he learned to lie to them and himself and truly believed this was always the best course of action. There was always gossip and judgments of other families during their dinners and I think this may have instilled the concept of having to appear better than others, which combined with the families desire and ability to ignore the bad and sweep it under the rug, made M feel that he was better than others – and even if that was just the ‘perception’ that was truth.

When he was in college he slept with many women, and the majority of them were one night stands. I don’t believe he ever looked into his promiscuity, but he had negative beliefs about these women who slept around. In his first therapy session the therapist asked him if he suffered any consequences or had any negative feelings about his promiscuity in college and M’s answer was that no of course not, because he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone. I believe that M sees his addiction and acting out only as a problem in relationships. That if he is not involved with anyone there would be no consequences and no problems. I don’t think he yet has the ability to see any consequences to himself as an individual outside of a relationship. I think he saw sex as a direct reflection of his manhood, an indicator of how good he should feel about himself. He had made comments to me after the 2nd D-Day about how he liked the fake women because he could never “get” a real woman. I asked him “what about all those women in college” and his response was that yeah, but that was so long ago (only about 10 years – almost 7 of which were spent with me!). So I think to him how many women he could sleep with plays a large role in his idea of self-esteem.
After this 2nd D-day M said that he didn’t act out as a way to manage his emotions, he did it because he liked the “high”. M has stated many times to me over the years that he feels empty inside…and I think the “high” he gets from his addictions – be it drinking, drugs, porn or sex – fills a part of himself that he was never able to fill or learned how to fill. I think our relationship, in the beginning, offered him the same kind of high and when things became real – became normal with daily life – the high was lost and that emptiness returned. I think he took that emptiness out on me and blamed me for it, maybe he thought I would be the end of that emptiness and when I wasn’t he resented me. I think the fact that he loved me made that emptiness worse and made him feel worse about himself, more guilty or shameful. I think he liked the freedom of being on his own and the freedom of acting out without concerning himself with the feelings of others and when I was there it was harder for him to do that.
He admitted to creating drama in our relationship in order to justify acting out, though I never learned the details. While this was not something he had discussed before, I would assume this could be a pattern in his life with any and all his addictions.

C. What does it mean to 'humanize' your partner? Why is this important in forgiveness and in seeking closure to the current crisis?
To humanize your partner is to recognize that their addiction is not the extent of who they are. They were a child once with dreams and hopes for their future and never intended or wanted to be on the path they ended up on. It means to recognize that this part of themselves is only one part and they still have thoughts and fears, dreams and hopes. I think this is important in seeking closure because it truly does help the partner to recognize that while our partners actions cut us to the core and hurt us beyond words, it was not pain intentionally inflected. I think I am slowing starting to get that. My ex-H is a sick man who is very unhealthy. He loved me as only he knew how and didn’t intend to shatter my world. I am only now, truly starting to feel that his addiction wasn’t about me. It affected me absolutely. It hurt me and destroyed many of my dreams…but it was never about me. In time, forgiveness may be something I would be able to offer, but I am not there yet. And that’s ok. I personally don’t believe “forgiveness” is necessary. I have forgiven my father for abandoning us as children and for the very bad choices he made. I have made peace with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my father’s friend…but I don’t forgive him. And I don’t need to forgive him in order to move on or have closure.

I am still ruminating about S’s comments and still find myself bothered by them so writing some things out will help me put things in perspective. The purpose of this is not to be rude or disrespectful to her, but to point some things out to myself to aid in my dealing with the feelings her comments have caused.

During a family dinner years ago she was discussing Kobe Bryant and how great he was. We mentioned the rape charges against him and her response was “He’s a star…he doesn’t need to rape anyone”. I was shocked and said that nobody “needs” to rape. She went on to say that “All women are whores”. I was completely flabbergasted and asked her to repeat it as I thought I must have misheard her. She said it again. My first instinct was to tell her to speak for herself as I was no whore. I was very offended by this, but as her family was there I decided to just not say anything and let it go. Now, a few years later and going through the crisis with M’s addiction I have some new perspectives on her attitude.

In the 7 years I have known her she has not gone more than 3 months without a boyfriend. Each boyfriend had cheated on her and she would break up with them, and then take them back again. All the photos she posts of herself online are sexy in nature and attire. I obviously only have 2nd hand information and her behaviour is none of my concern, but I do wonder if maybe she also has a sex or love addiction.

Her response to M’s sexual interest in children was a little disturbing to me and I think it speaks to his family’s penchant for minimizing and ignoring issues. I also noticed a similarity in her passive-aggressive comments to me and the way M would sometimes talk and blame-shift to me. The manipulation tactic of feigning compassion or understanding, then using your response against you was something M had also done on occasion. I find it interesting how now that my eyes are open, my vision is so much clearer. I am recognizing certain behaviours more for what they are as opposed to taking them personally and internalizing them.

When I first read S’s emails to me I was so hurt and offended…thinking “how can she say that?” “how can she think that?” These feelings of injustice ran through me and I wanted to explain everything to her and make her understand. But, the clearer my thinking became I realized that her perceptions are about her…not me. Her perceptions of my experience doesn't change or diminish what I went through. When she said “you knew who he was and what he liked before you married him so don’t act so shocked and disgusted”, I felt the need to explain to her the process M and I went through and the help he got and the promises he made and the assurance I made myself feel that he would never do that again. I felt angered at the suggestion that my D-Day in November shouldn’t have been upsetting. But again…the more I allow myself to keep my eyes open and see things for what they really are I recognize that it truly doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks about my experience. I don’t need their understanding or validation for my experience to be real. I feel this is a very big step for me because this is a concept I have struggled with for my entire life. I know this is only a step and I may have those feelings again in the future, but if I can remember this…it will help me to let go of that need for outside validation.

I also think that seeing her response in the context of the family dynamics and functioning, gives me a greater understanding and perception of M and the creation and growth of his addiction….which aids in my ability to humanize him; which in turn aids in my own healing.

Exercise Thirty-Five
A. Brainstorm the areas of your relationship that you suspect MIGHT have been influenced by your partner's addiction. You have already documented the consequences of their addiction earlier in the workshop, so there is no need to duplicate your effort here. List only those subtle behaviors associated with sexual addiction that you suspect may have played a role in the following situations:

a. Your courtship
- constantly being sexual
- initiating sex in risky locations
- constant compliments of my body, my intelligence, my love for my family
- always wanting physical contact even though it wasn’t sexual
- Charming my mother and sister – they loved him
- How he was always willing to hang out and play with my nieces…this one makes me sick now.
- always wanting to orally please me, so I would return the favour
- telling me I was “crazy” for being bothered by him having dinner with a female friend and only inviting me out for drinks when they were done.
- keeping me separate from his family for 6 months
- telling me how special and different I was from other women
- going above and beyond in his niceties and favours for me…maybe to use for his own justification of acting out?
- grooming me with compliments and emotional affection on the days he wanted sex.

b. Your partner's sexual desire for you over the course of the relationship
- Couldn’t keep his hands off me at first, always wanted physical contact
- Complimented my body and breasts constantly
- Sent me texts of how horny he was and things he wanted to do
- Was so understanding of not being able to have intercourse for 3 months until the birth control took effect as I was allergic to condoms.
- Always wanted to orally please me, so I would return the favour
- The foreplay would go on for a long time and it often felt like he was doing it to arouse himself and not because I was enjoying it…often I wasn’t because it was too rough or just didn’t feel good.
- wanted me to not wear underwear when we went out.
- Constantly asking me over and over to do things I had said no to. Trying to break me down into fulfilling his fantasies.
- Eventually his desires became violent and painful and were always about him and what he was enjoying, not about me.
- Eventually his desire for me faded and we had sex or any sexual activity very rarely.
- His desires ruled our sex life. Sex was never spontaneous or based on being in the moment…it was something he planned for a while – when, how, where…and if something didn’t go according to his plan he couldn’t reach orgasm.
- For the last 4 or 5 years of the relationship it never felt like his arousal came from me…I was just the person there to fulfill what he wanted.

c. The ten biggest decisions that were made in your relationship (e.g. marriage, childbirth, housing, career)
1) Moving in together – he could have sex when he wanted and portray the image he wanted to others. I don’t think he realized the level of intimacy required for a live-in relationship

2) His career – He was unhappy with his job and was so negative. I told him there were always other options, he didn’t have to be miserable. Out of Instant Gratification, he immediately opened up his own business without any research or financial backup or planning. I also think that having a job with no time restrictions and no one to answer to fueled his addiction and, this may have been a conscious choice on his part.

3) Marriage – We were together for almost 5 years before he proposed to me. On our 4th anniversary I thought he was going to propose and when he didn’t I was upset and told him why. 3 months later I discovered the child photos. 6 months later he proposed. I had felt the proposal was a spur of the moment decision. He said he woke up one Saturday and knew that was the day he was going to propose. He didn’t look for a ring similar to the ones I had shown him on the computer, he went into the store, and picked the one the lady showed him. That night he proposed with it. I thought this was an example of his immediate gratification, but now I do wonder if it was more of a manipulation tactic to put the past behind us; a way to have me concentrate on something else.

4) Our Honeymoon – It was a pre-wedding honeymoon at a cottage his family rented each year…and his parents paid for it. Considering the timeline of his cheating with prostitutes, I believe this time was chosen for a reason. I think he was extra nice to me and kind and thoughtful just before he was going to act out. I thought we had a great honeymoon and had a lot of fun and spent some quality time together. But he cheated on me about 10 days after it. Maybe he felt he deserved it for being such a great fiancé on the honeymoon. The timing was also based on his work schedule, which is a huge factor in his addiction.

5) Waiting to have kids – We had agreed to start trying for children on our wedding night. I was going to go off the pill and we would start trying. Then his sister told him that we should wait so the baby would be born around a time when his work was less busy. Instead of asking me about it and seeing what I thought, he told me this was what we were doing. No discussion. I said I felt disappointed, but it made sense to try and plan it so he would be around more with the newborn. He was so upset with for being disappointed. He said it was stupid to be disappointed. I said yes the timeline makes sense…but I can still be disappointed! I had bought books on pregnancy and was so excited to start trying…but he insisted that being disappointed was crazy and stupid. I think he was very controlling and abusive with this decision. It was a big decision and it felt like no discussion was allowed.

6) Trying for children – This one I am not too sure about. He could have wanted to start having children so that I would be busy with them and he would have more time for his acting out. He has told me that he felt that getting married was going to fix him, so I wonder if maybe he thought having children would make everything better. I fear greatly that he may have wanted children in the hopes we would have a girl…this idea sticks in my mind and concerns me. Though I can even really say that we “tried” for children…see section d. 7) for details!

7) Our Separation – The cause of our separation and eventual divorce was his addiction. His behavior when I told him we would be separating was acceptance….however once we went to couples’ counseling to discuss with her how to do it, he seemed to think I wasn’t serious. When I said I wouldn’t feel comfortable having kids with him he said that was when he knew it was over. That night when we went home, he cried. But he didn’t say he loved me or that he was sorry. He stood before me, cried and said that he felt old. He felt worn out, run down and old. I told him I was sorry, I wish things had been different. I felt so sorry for him and I wanted to hug him and comfort him, but that wasn’t my role anymore. That wasn’t something I felt I could offer him. I have recently read somewhere that many SA’s feel old because they believe they have already experienced everything and that there is nothing out there anymore that could bring them happiness or excitement. I had always thought this comment had to do with his work and his rundown body, but now I wonder if it also meant this.

Even though we had been together for almost 7 years, there were not many decisions made in our relationship. This was all I could think of.

d. The seven biggest arguments/conflicts/difficulties that you have had
1) His father and family’s treatment of me – From the get-go his father treated me poorly and made rude and hurtful comments that M always chalked up to attempts at humour. I told M many many times that it hurt me and that I didn’t like going over there. I asked him to speak with his family and he said it would only make things worse. I asked M to treat me better when we went to visit them as he would often ignore me and not include me in conversations. I felt very excluded there and he very rarely made an effort to make me feeling like part of the family. I think he wanted me to be separate from them as a way to keep his addiction his own. He made me part of his addiction and showed me the rageful parts of himself his family hadn’t seen, so by keeping me separate he was protecting himself in a way. I learned later he spoke badly of me to them and this could be why they didn’t really like me. He ignored my feelings by sweeping them under the rug and using black and white thinking that nothing would ever improve. He kept his family and me separated as a way to protect his image and his addiction, and maybe as a way to keep the drama going so he had reasons to act out.

2) My not Visiting with his family - This was an ongoing issue for us, but I connect it to the above and they are directly related. Because of M’s insistence that speaking with his family would make things worse and because he rarely provided me with the security and partnership I needed when we visited them I began to stop going. Usually I would worry about it for days before hand and would feel so anxious about the visit that I eventually made myself sick. I would feel horrible on the day of the visit and would back out. I often threw up or had severe stomach pains, though I do believe this was all caused by stress and anxiety. I knew that my not going upset his mother and hurt her feelings, and that it caused issues for M with his family. But I was selfish and chose my feelings over theirs. To me, it felt like torture being there. I was ignored and dismissed and insulted, and in M’s own words there was never an end in sight…so I avoided. M and I would sometimes fight the day of because he knew I didn’t want to go and I knew I didn’t want to go. I would tell him sometimes that I would go if he promised to be there for me…if he would include me and talk to me and act like he cared about me. But, so many times we would go and he ignored me as well; even turning his back to me during dinner so I was physically cut off from him and the others. I hated being there, and so I avoided. This was a big issue for M. I had my reasons, but I still should have gone for the visits. It was rude and disrespectful of me not to. The last time was on Thanksgiving…M and I were fighting and I told him I didn’t feel well and didn’t want to go. He said fine (he never really argued or put up a fight) and he left. I found out later that he cheated on me that night. After dinner with his family he went to his friend’s house then, he went to a prostitute. He told me later that when he left our apartment to go for dinner he sat in his van thinking “this can’t keep happening” and when he decided to cheat again, he said he just didn’t care anymore. I made the decisions to not go, but I believe there was more at play in why M never wanted to discuss the issues with his family…as I mention above. I think part of him was ok with my not going with him for visits because it allowed him to justify his cheating and other acting out.

3) His not proposing after 4 years – We moved in together after 8 months and he had always said he would be ready to propose after 1 and a half to 2 years. I believed him and was ready for a proposal after 2 years. But there was always an excuse, and each time I brought it up he used that as punishment…saying that it drove him further and further from asking me. When he said he was ready for marriage, he then said he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids, though he knew I did. Then after 3 years he said he did want kids, but he didn’t know if he wanted them with me. This statement broke my heart and really hurt me. My guess is that he was acting out during this time and was hurting me as a way of making himself feel better. Also as a brutal form of emotional abuse. I feel his not proposing was very controlling, because he wanted me not to mention it or ask about it…he wanted me to wait and wait and keep my mouth shut until he was ready, and if I did ask he would say something like “each time you ask it makes me never want to propose”. I felt so trapped…so manipulated. Like if I just kept waiting eventually he would propose…but then a year would pass, then 2 years, then I would ask and it would start all over again. This was one of the most painful and manipulative actions of his during our relationship, especially considering his proposal was also a manipulation to keep me with him after the first D-Day.

4) His working too much – This is a huge one. Huge. Because of his type of work (contractor) he had no set schedule. He could be home by 5 or he could be home 10. I had been so incredibly lonely for 6 years of our relationship, and it was always because of his work. He would work weekends, evenings and he was never willing to take time off. When I complained about it he would be so angry with me because he said he was working for us…to pay bills and give us a future. I see now that his job was really his number one contributor to his addiction and enabled him to act out and provided him with a ready excuse for: never being home, always being too tired or sore for sex, being stressed and in a bad mood. Everything that was wrong was always boiled down to work. I never had any suspicions about him cheating or acting out because the work excuse was so believable! He often wouldn’t answer his phone; he would say he would be home in 20 minutes then show up an hour and a half later; he would talk on his cell phone in his van (he said about work) for over an hour while I sat in the apartment waiting for him; he would go pick up food at a restaurant and instead of calling in the order he would go there and order, then sit for over an hour “working” on quotes (though I believe he was sitting there ogling the bartender with impressive cleavage). These things seemed normal because of his work, but if he had a different job they would have been seen as suspicious. We fought so much about his work schedule and he never relented, it was always me who backed down and gave in because he was always so unwilling to compromise this and slow down. And now I see why…it played such a huge role in his addiction and ability to act out.

5) Pregnancy scare 4 years ago – I had been feeling nauseas at work one morning and my mother suggested that maybe I was pregnant. I was on the pill and didn’t think that was it, but I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. The test came back positive. I went to a walk-in-clinic that evening after work so they could take blood and find out for sure. This was a Friday and they said they would have the result on Monday. I went home and told M. He was furious. He accused me of not taking my pills and said I was irresponsible. I was stunned. I couldn’t look at him or speak to him, so I left the apartment and went for a drive. I couldn’t believe he was actually accusing me and being so cruel. It felt like the total cliché reaction…like this was something I had done to him. I felt very alone and abandoned. When I came home about 2 hours later he was very apologetic and said that we would deal with this together. I never told him how his reaction was so hurtful. The next day he bought me expensive perfume.

6) Sex Life - From the get-go this was an issue. This area of our life was, I believe, based on his addiction though I never knew it…even after my first D-Day. His sexual tastes and appetite were directly related to his addiction and issues with intimacy. His reactions to my initial discomfort seemed kind and understanding, but because he continued to ask for these things and try to do these things, I think part of the kindness and understanding was a tactic to get he wanted. Within our first year of being together there was an incident where in the middle of being intimate, he lost his erection. This, being my first sexual relationship, didn’t understand what had happened or why. I thought it was me, that I did something wrong or wasn’t doing something “good enough”. I asked him what was wrong…what I did, I told him it didn’t matter, but I didn’t understand. He got angry with me. He yelled and said I was stupid and ridiculous. This has been the example he had thrown in my face for the past 6 years as to why he didn’t want to have sex with me or why sex was not something he wanted to initiate. He accused me of rejecting him and had punished me for that ever since. I see now the connection to his ego and self-esteem issues, but also to the fact that at that point, he had already begun acting out with daily porn use.

7) Trying to get pregnant – I think now this had many more layers than I had previously realized. The purpose of this sex had more meaning then him just “getting off”. There was a level of intimacy and gentleness that he was very uncomfortable with and I felt his trepidation. It was like he didn’t know what to do and this feeling made him angry. For him, sex was one thing…and trying for a baby made sex something else…something he wasn’t comfortable with…something intimate. I believe that is why he would sabotage the attempts. He would pick fights with me, complain of something at work and would get so angry and stressed that sex was always out of the question. I believe this is also why on the odd month where we were able to have sex on the right days he often couldn’t finish. It wasn’t the kind of sex he liked or wanted and it did nothing for him. Then suddenly, on the days I wasn’t fertile he was in the mood and had no trouble performing or finishing. This was because sex was back to “normal”, back to the reason he wanted it, and the way he liked it. I didn’t know any of this at the time. But I was so angry because not only was I forced into the position of having to initiate sex, but I would often be turned down, and with him not reaching orgasm it was all for not.

8) His Friends - I am very different from M’s friends and their girlfriends. They were big drinkers, big smokers, did hard drugs and the girls were much younger and very crass and for lack of a better word “skanky”. I had nothing in common with them. M didn’t try to welcome me in and make me feel comfortable, he would leave me alone and hang out with the guys. I usually felt like I didn’t belong and it was very awkward. The girls never tried to include me and I never really tried to be included. It wasn’t a match…I didn’t fit in with them. M would get upset with me for not trying harder to be social or fit in with them, and I would get upset with him for ignoring me and not trying to make me feel comfortable. Eventually he stopped inviting me out with them. He would say it was just the guys, though his stories when he came home included the girls who were there. It was a catch 22 situation and no one was happy with it. M’s insults to me and his desire to keep me separate from other areas of his life are, I believe, associated with patterns of his addiction and mindset.

9) My Family – M was often very judgmental of my family. He would say that we were crazy and that they all had serious issues and were very dysfunctional. My family would often discuss things and hash things out. We fought and didn’t always get along. M’s family talked only about their jobs, their neighbours, their church, and other daily things. There was no depth to their conversations and they didn’t discuss issues or conflicts. M had said before that there was no way my father didn’t know that his friend had molested me as a child. M was very judgmental of my sister and her lies. I understood this as not everyone has experience with a compulsive liar and it’s not easy getting used to that world. M would go on and on about how could she say this or say that, and that my sister’s husband would be devastated if he knew. At the time I had chalked it up to the simple concept that M didn’t have experience with my sister’s lies so it was difficult to comprehend. Now, however I believe it may have been more of “me thinks he doth protest too much”. Being so outraged and shocked by her stories and the elaborate tails was simply a cover-up…because he was the same. Not in the compulsive lying category, but in the lying and elaborate stories. M had been lying to me for years, about so many things I am sure I don’t even know about half of them; and yet he hated that aspect of my sister and was always telling me how it was going to destroy her life. When it came to my sister and her lies M loved his high-horse and soap-box and would get up there often. I think now, that many of his insults and judgments of my family were also a way to separate me from them. He would point out how they failed me and hurt me. I know this to be a common trait among addicts and abusers…trying to separate their partners from their loved ones.

10) His raging outburst – In late January 2008 we were sitting on the couch and M was taking off his knee brace. He had a bad day and was in a bad mood. He was complaining about his knee and said that he had to put his brace on even before his underwear in the morning. I said “I’m sorry babe that really sucks”. His response was so amazingly angry and over the top I was actually afraid. He said “yes that does suck. You have no idea how much that sucks.” I told him I didn’t understand why he was getting so angry at me, and he said of course I didn’t understand “I don’t expect you to understand”. He kept going on about how I couldn’t grasp his pain and understand what it was like for him. He was in a rage at this point, so I said I was just going to bed. He followed me into the bedroom and began yelling like I have never heard him yell before. I told him that I wasn’t so stupid that I couldn’t grasp what it was like for him and he bellowed “This isn’t about you! Not everything is about you!”. By this point I was crying. He then grabbed his wedding ring off his finger and made a motion to whip it at me. I flinched. He said “is this what you want?” I said “what?” Then he whipped the ring at the bed and it landed beside me. I told him to get the hell out. I was confused and frightened…I was actually afraid he would hit me. I didn’t see him the next morning, but that night when I came home from work he was there waiting with a beautiful bouquet of my favourite flowers. He apologized profusely. I thanked him for the flowers and he said not to thank him that he was so very sorry and that he was out of line. He seemed so remorseful and ashamed of his behavior and I didn’t want to make him feel worse, so I left it. We never discussed it again. Now, after learning about the cheating and prostitutes, I discovered that this fight happened about two weeks after he cheated on me, so I believe this fight was about his guilt and wanting to make me look bad and feel worse than he did.
Just want to add in here, that I have realized that a major pattern in our fights was that he would react horribly at first, then apologize. And his apologies were so heartfelt and remorseful that I never discussed it with him as I didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already felt. I wonder now if his apologies were a tactic to accomplish just that…not discussing it and my just dropping the whole thing. I think he knew I didn’t want to make him feel worse so he laid on his apologies so thick.
This is one of the best examples and worst consequences of my co-dependency…my desire to keep the peace; to not make people feel bad. What I viewed as “making people feel bad” was in reality just making people accept responsibility for their behaviour and choices. This is a perfect example of my life-long issue of damaging my own values by allowing and accepting boundary violations without addressing it, without taking any steps to protect them or prevent it from happening again. I taught M that it was ok to treat me like that, because I never told him to stop. I never told him it wasn’t ok and that it was unacceptable. I just accepted his apologies and let it go…until the next time.

B. If you were granted five specific questions to ask your partner regarding his/her behavior that were guaranteed to be answered honestly, what five questions would you ask? And what do you think the answers are?

1) Have you ever, in any way, touched my nieces (or any child) for a sexual purpose or out of curiosity? - No

2) At what point during our relationship did you start cheating on me? – 1 year in.

3) Has any other relationship of yours ended because of this addiction? – Yes, at least L.

4) Were any of our sexual encounters intimate or based on just us, and not your addiction? - Y (still not sure on this one)

5) Were you aroused when I shared with you the details of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by R? - Y (this kills me, but I believe the answer is yes)

Just some of my thoughts on the thread I started on intimacy.

In regards to my family as a youth / teenager I think there was too much intimacy and not enough boundaries in regards to the information that was shared. My mother and sister talked openly about their sexual experiences and I would leave the room as I was uncomfortable and embarrassed. I wasn’t really allowed to express my deeper feelings of anger or sadness to my mother. If I expressed anger she got mad at me and so I learned to take my anger out on myself, and keep it inside. When my depression set in and I tried expressing this to my mother she told me it was just “lowered feelings” and I was dismissed…until she read my diary and got me help. My sister had a tendency to feign closeness and would trick me into sharing feelings or information with her and then use it against me.

I had often felt there was something wrong with me. I think this is connected to my co-dependency. I felt wrong, or broken somehow and I think as I got older I tended to share too much information with people as a way to justify myself and explain myself. I felt that other’s could see I was “wrong” and if they ‘understood’ maybe they would see I’m not “wrong”, that I am the way I am for a reason; and if they could see that…maybe I could see that. Man…this all sounds nuts to me! But, if I am being honest…this was how I felt for a long time.

Now that I am a grown woman I have been able to be intimate with my mother and a friend of mine. I do feel that these friendships run deep and go far beyond the surface level. I am comfortable being myself with them…good mood or bad, happy or sad. I have never felt judged by K and have always felt that she accepts me as I am, faults, mistakes and all. Even her husband is someone I feel comfortable around and am able to be myself. He is also open and honest and accepts me for who I am.
I shared myself completely with M. I brought myself to that table and allowed him to see me. I expressed my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my hopes, my beliefs. Then…after time, everything I shared was turned around and used against me. Used as proof that I was crazy or simple or naïve or stupid. Used as proof that I was “wrong”. I didn’t see this at the time. I knew he was mean and hurtful, but I convinced myself that I was the problem; that I was overly sensitive and seeing things that weren’t there, because he would deny so much. After a while I think I knew on some level that it wasn’t me…that he was being mean and an ass…but I just accepted that was him. I resigned myself to this.

I believe I am capable of intimacy, and I have shown that through my relationships with my mother and my friend K. I was intimate with M. He may not have shared in that intimacy, but I know that I myself was intimate…in the beginning. In the first year of our relationship I was intimate and vulnerable and was completely myself. I felt safe and calm and at peace with him. I trusted him so fully and being intimate with him was not an issue and not even difficult for me. It was only a few months after we moved in where everything changed, and I began to pull myself back from him.

Exercise Thirty-Six
In this lesson, it was touched upon how your values have most likely been altered as a result of your partner's behavior. Here, we will explore the resulting changes that took place to your value system.

A. Describe three events in your relationship where you had doubts/suspicions about your partner's behavior but made the decision not to confront them.
1) What did you do? (e.g. tell a friend, eat a double-cheeseburger)
2) Would your approach change should the situation occur tomorrow? Why or why not?

Event One:
When we would go to visit our friends D & S we would all sit around the table, chat, have a few drinks, eat and sometimes smoke pot. Almost every visit D would make sexual comments and innuendo. He would give me looks and flirt with me…in front of his wife and my husband. I always played dumb and acted as though I didn’t “get it”. Like I didn’t pick up on the fact his comments were sexual or suggestive. M would never say anything…ever! Once when we were driving home I commented on D’s behaviour but M just brushed it off. I thought it was weird that he didn’t seem to care, or even stand up for me or say that it was inappropriate, but I never really discussed it with him. I just continued acting like the comments didn’t bother me. I didn’t like the fact that M allowed and condoned the behaviour and that he didn’t stick up for me knowing that I was uncomfortable, but I decided to leave it and do nothing.

1) I did nothing…literally. I never brought it up to M or told him that I thought he should say something. I never told anyone about this until after M and I split up. We didn’t see them very often, so I just prepared myself for being uncomfortable when we went over. I think this ties in to my lack of boundaries around my body and sexuality.

2) My approach would absolutely change if this were to happen now. I would speak up and tell D that I was uncomfortable with his behaviour and I would like for it to stop. If it didn’t, I would discontinue visiting. I would speak up to M and tell him that I was upset that he allowed his friend to speak to me like that. I would tell M that I expected him to stand up for me. Although…now…I would be standing up for myself and I guess I wouldn’t need my husband to do it for me!

Event Two:
About once every two weeks we would order in from our favourite restaurant. It takes them a while to make the food so I always suggested that we call in the order, then he could just drive over and quickly pick it up. He always insisted on going there first, placing the order and just waiting until it was ready. He said he liked to order when there because he would have a beer or two and work on some quotes for his job. I didn’t understand why he had to do it there…there was always beer in our home, and he knew that I was bothered by him always working and never being home. Yet he always went there to order and would not be home for over an hour. If I asked what took so long, he would say he was just chatting with someone on his phone about work.

1) I let him do what he wanted. It didn’t occur to me that he might have been acting out as I didn’t know at the time he had a sex addiction in conjunction with his porn addiction. I would ask him to just call in the order and stay a bit longer, but he said he wanted to go and do some work…so I just left it.

2) I would handle this much differently now. I had gone into the restaurant to pick up an order about a month ago and I saw the bartender…so now I know why he liked to hang out there waiting for his order. The bartender is an older woman (late 50’s?) very attractive, with the kind of in-your-face cleavage that you can’t help but stare at. Ahh…that was a light-bulb moment for me, when I saw her. Now, if M and I were still together and this situation came up, I would tell him that I was uncomfortable with him waiting there for the order as I feel he sits there fantasizing and ogling her. If he insisted on waiting there, I would have to enforce some consequences as that would be a boundary violation of my value of fidelity.

Event Three:
About 8 months after my first D-Day we got another laptop so that I could make our wedding invitations (M smashed the original laptop). When we got the new computer M started looking at porn again. After the 1st D-Day I had learned about porn addiction and what it is, but not about the concept of recovery. I was so wrapped up in the content of what I found, that the concept of the addiction seemed to be brushed aside. When he started looking at porn again, I was bothered but felt absolutely assured that he would never look at child photos again. For me at the time (being as uneducated as I was), the porn wasn’t the problem…the child photo’s was the problem. I thought that M and I had been through so much and he understood how hurt I was, that he would be able to monitor himself…that he knew what he could handle.

1) I never mentioned to him that I knew he was looking at porn again, and I never asked him how he felt about it, or if he felt it was a problem. I completely let it slide. I didn’t want to upset him or make him feel bad or embarrassed. I think I also felt a sense of I didn’t want to be a nag or tell him what he “could or could not do”.

2) Uh, yeah…I would do everything differently if it happened tomorrow. If we were still together and it happened again I would enforce my boundaries. I would discuss with him how it made me feel, and ask him what he feels he needs to do. I would distance myself from him, emotionally and physically, and he would sleep on the couch for a month. I wouldn’t let things slide anymore and I would discuss whatever it was I felt needed discussing. I would also understand that my having boundaries such as no porn in my home is not nagging or telling him what to do…it’s explaining what I need in order to feel safe and comfortable in own home and it’s me protecting my values.

B. Discuss your partner's addiction. Given the information that you currently possess, what do you know of your partner's upbringing? Where/when do you think your partner first developed these destructive patterns?

M’s father was emotionally negligent and abusive. His mother was caring, though detached in a way and also emotionally immature. M was bullied in early childhood due to his being chubby and having thick glasses. Around age 6 or 7 he was sexually abused by the uncle of a friend…it was only one incident and he never told a soul. Around age 8 he found his father’s stash of Playboy and was fascinated by them. At the same age a friend brought some Playboy’s to school and the boys got caught selling them to other boys. His parents didn’t punish him and they kind of laughed it off. M’s mother found a stash of his own magazines under his bed and she took them away though they never discussed it. Issues regarding sex and magazines like that were never discussed and were just brushed off. No opportunity was taken to teach him about women or objectification…it was just swept under the rug. Because of the emotional abuse at home and the bullying at school M learned to self-sooth through fantasy and masturbation. He would wake up each morning and masturbate and couldn’t fall asleep without masturbating. Around 8 or 9 he injured his penis with constant and rough masturbation. I don’t know when the fantasy or desire to hurt women started or where it came from. I think he had a lot of anger inside that he never felt he was able to release. I guess that maybe since he viewed his addiction as being outside himself, he felt that was a safe place to release the violence or anger. As for the beginning of his attraction to children…I don’t know. It’s common for child sex offenders to have been sexually abused themselves and I guess the age he was abuse at corresponds with the ages of the girls in the photos.

I believe the patterns of escapism and using sexual release to make himself feel better and to improve his self-esteem began in very early childhood, and as he grew older it encompassed other activities he learned and became aware of. So, his addiction took root and began growing over 29 years.

Reading through this lesson again was very beneficial. And something dawned on me about M's addiction and where it began and how it grew. While I believe it truly began and took route in early childhood, I think his first time having intercourse also played a large role. He was in grade 9 and on the Rugby team. At a party the older girls (18 years old) each took a younger player (14-15 years old), and had sex with them to "initiate" them onto the team. His first time having sex was with an older woman (girl) who didn't love him and probably didn't care about him. It wasn't an intimate act or a loving act. It was an act done to "complete a transaction" of him joining the team.

Exercise Thirty-Seven
In this lesson, you were guided through a rather mechanical means for measuring compulsive behavior. What should it mean to you? Very little. Except to reinforce the notion that such compulsion is best understood objectively and mechanically. By gaining a functional awareness of your partner's actions, you will better be able to isolate yourself from the emotions that are attached. This helps you now by distancing yourself even further from any association/responsibility you may be holding onto in relation to your partner's actions; it helps you down the road by allowing you to observe further actions in an objective and rational manner.
However, this measuring technique is just that, a technique. A skill. It is a wrapper for mechanically understanding the very abstract concept of compulsions. That's all. So as a partner, don't spend too much time trying to master this aspect of compulsions--it is more of a recovery technique. Why it is important to you is to provide you with an introduction--a paradoxical shift--in the way in which compulsive behavior can be seen.

A. Consider a behavior that you have engaged in recently that produced some type of positive emotional stimulation. Break this behavior down into its emotional elements. Into the times when emotions were experienced as a result of your actions, thoughts, etc. Ideally, this situation would have between 7-10 emotional elements that you could track throughout the experience. Identify the emotional elements.

1. Drove to K’s house for a visit – Excited, happy, anxious
2. Ran through the rain to her door – hesitant, anxious, annoyed, excited
3. Sat with K and watched the baby – Happy, mournful, peaceful
4. Chatted with K – happy, concerned, annoyed, sad
5. Played with baby – Happy, joyful, giddy, excited
6. Cuddled with baby – happy, content, joyful, peaceful
7. Watched K breastfeed – Love, peaceful, happy, inspired, proud
8. Watched baby fall asleep – peaceful, love, happy, content

B. Do your best to break down one of your partner's sexually-compulsive behaviors in a similar way. Put yourself in his/her mind, what emotional experiences do you feel he/she experienced throughout the act? Important: break-down only a single behavior--a snapshot in time--not an ongoing pattern of behaviors.

1. Wake up, leave wife sleeping, go to living room – sneaky, anxious, excited, guilty
2. Turn on Xbox – excited, anxious, guilty, sneaky
3. Turn on laptop – excited, anxious, curious, guilty, disappointed, aroused
4. Fantasized about what I would look at this morning – aroused, excited, curious, anxious
5. Search out favourite porn site – excited, anxious, aroused, sneaky
6. Played game as movie downloaded – excited, anxious, guilty, nervous, building arousal, anticipation, desire
7. Watched downloaded movie – aroused, excited, nervous, guilty, eager
8. Masturbated to movie – excited, happy, aroused, pleased, sneaky, guilty
9. Had orgasm – excited, happy, elated, pleased, proud
10. Finished and cleaned up – guilty, shameful, disappointed

Exercise Thirty-Eight
A. Make a list of the ten biggest stressors in your life that you believe are currently affecting your emotional well-being. For each item, document whether each stressor is mild, moderate, severe or extreme:

1. Failure of marriage, eventual divorce - severe
2. Living alone - Moderate
3. Finances - Moderate
4. Possibility of company being sold - Mild
5. Work - Moderate
6. Personal issues, allowing me to be with a SA - Severe
7. Triggers of M’s addiction/ betrayals - Severe
8. Father knowing about my abuser - Mild
9. Muscle tension / Headaches - Severe
10. Healing - Severe

B. Assign each value to one of the following columns: Plays no role in my emotions; Plays a small role in my emotions; Plays a large role in my emotions; Plays an enormous role in my emotions.
I am going to take this part to mean which values play a role in my emotions “at the moment” and not “in general”.

No Role: Fidelity

Small Role: Trust, Creativity, Education, Safety, Spirituality, resiliency, Courage, Vulnerability, Joy, Fun, Women’s rights, Child Protection, Dependability, Financial Security

Large Role: Compassion, Friends, Self-respect, Commitment, Intimacy, Strength, Hard Word

Enormous Role: Honesty, Communication, Family, Health

C. How would you would manage this stress if all but one or two of your most important values were suddenly removed?

I would delve deeper into my remaining values as a way to manage the stress. I would also look for other values to replace the one’s I lost. I think I’ve learned by now that placing too much importance on a single value (putting all your eggs in one basket) leads you down a dangerous path. Balance and stability requires a variety of ways to manage your life.

D. In your own words, and considering what you have learned so far...what do you think the role of addiction has played in your partner's life?

I think addiction has offered M a consistent and dependable way to feel good. I think it originated as a way to make him feel better, then became the only way for him to feel normal. It has replaced the values in his life he has wanted but was never able to connect to on an intimate and internal level. His addiction has kept him protected from any uncomfortable emotions and experiences he felt he couldn’t handle. His addiction offers him solace in times of need as he feels he is unable to get that anywhere else. It gives him the “high” he has been seeking for most of his life.

Exercise Forty

I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t know what sex was. Even as a young child. I was sexually abused from an early age and learned that my body was there for the pleasure of others. I had no rights to my body and was unable to protect myself. In high-school I had boyfriends but broke up if they ever expected something more that holding hands and kissing. I was ashamed of my sexuality and the desires I had felt. I remained a virgin until I was 20, then I had sex simply because I felt it was time...not because I loved him. He never called me again. Within a 2 year time span I slept with a total of 3 men...none were nice or pleasant experiences...and I wasn’t sober for any of them. I met my ex-H through friends and eventually fell in love with him though he was dating a friend of mine.
If I had developed an addiction it would have taken root during my early 20’s when I was going to the bars.

A. Now that you have considered the role that sexual addiction might have played in your life, in your opinion, and knowing what you should now know about addiction...what are some of the reasons that it didn't develop?

I had values in my life and people who were important to me that I loved deeply. Addiction runs in my family and I think I have always been aware of that and conscious of my choices. I was the grown up in my family and was often all too aware of the fact that things needed to be dealt with. With my sister’s lying and legal issues I was the good one and the one who had to make everything better, and I took that job seriously. I had always felt a sense of responsibility for others and I think I was mature beyond my years.

B. Reviewing your exercise results from the lesson itself, at what point do you think you would have recognized that you were addicted? What do you think you could have done about it? How do you think you would have hidden your sexual addiction from others?

I don’t know if I would have known it was an “addiction”, but I would have known something was wrong because it would have made me feel bad about myself. I would have felt ashamed of my actions. I would have read books...found something to understand my feeling and situation...that is how I learn...I find books to be very educational and I use them a lot for a greater understanding of myself. I guess I would have hidden an addiction by keeping it a secret.

Exercise Forty-One:
I. For this exercise, put your intellect away. Mourning is an emotional experience, not an intellectual exercise. How you achieve the goals outlined in the lesson should be unique to you. The only critical directive is that, when you have properly mourned for your losses, take at least fifteen minutes (several hours, preferably) to celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life. Your experiences. To recognize the ebb and flow of your life span and your current place within it. To reconnect to your individuality, your esteem and to the control that you have over your future.

I mourn a life not tarred by porn and sex addiction. Its impact on me will stay with me for the rest of my life and I mourn the future I should have had without this addiction.

I mourn the lost years spent in confusion and denial. I had no idea that his behaviours were associated with an addiction, but I knew there was something wrong. I wasted so much time hoping that things would get better, that things would change. I wasted so much time just waiting. Waiting for him to be happy, waiting for his work to die down, and waiting for life to happen. I waited and waited and I told myself that things would change. But I waited for nothing. The future I was waiting for was never going to happen with M.

I mourn the real sex and intimacy I should have experienced. Sex with M became something to endure, not really something we shared or did to express our love for eachother.

I mourn the time I lost with my nieces. Before M, they were always my number one priority. I was like a second mother to them and I valued that role so much. I saw them every week. I saw my oldest niece every day for the first 18 months of her life. But I sacrificed time with them to spend it with M...or spend it waiting for M. Or I sacrificed it because I was sad and bored and wanted to get stoned to make myself feel better...or numb. I missed a lot the past 6 years and I can never get that time back.

I mourn the man I thought he was...the man I convinced myself he was. That man never truly existed, he was a mirage. Something created by him and believed by me. I believed I had his fidelity and his honesty, but I never did. I believed he was a man who would never hurt and betray me. And when I gave him the 2nd chance after the 1st D-Day, I truly believed he would never hurt me again.

I mourn my marriage. I had wanted to spend my life with M and be his wife. I wanted for us to be a family and make a family together. I mourn the death of all the dreams I had for my future with him.

I mourn my own innocence. The images I have been exposed to have changed me, I will never have the old me back.

I mourn my belief in true love and soul mates. I think I will always have an air of scepticism.

I mourn the woman I believed I was. When I was with M, that woman ceased to exist and yet I didn’t see it. I didn’t see the death of who I thought I was. I mourn who I thought I was and should have been...but I also celebrate the fact that I am working to get that woman back, but this time she will be stronger and wiser, with greater self-respect and self-awareness.

I mourn for the woman who never experienced such hurt and betrayal. I had never been so deeply hurt by someone I loved so much and that kind of pain changes you. Sexual betrayal and deception is devastating and I mourn an existence without that experience. The trust and faith that gets ripped away will never be felt again, for him or anyone else.

I mourn the end of my relationship and friendship with M. He had been in my life for over 10 years, 7 of which we were a couple, 8 of which I was in love with him. There was a lot wrong with our relationship, but there was a friendship there that I will miss. The humour and the fun we had will be missed.

My biggest loss is the fact that I no longer want children. This addiction has opened my eyes to a world I can’t bring children into. This addiction has created in me, issues that I believe will forever prevent me from being a good, healthy mother. After seeing my niece’s dance show I can say that I would never allow my child to get up on a stage and dance in front of strangers...and that would be terribly unfair to a child, because children love to dance, they love to perform. And my fears, my concerns, my anger and panic would hinder my child’s happiness...and mine. I don’t think I would ever trust a man around my children. Children are not in the cards for me. Years ago, this would have broken my heart, but I now, I feel it is the right thing. Even if I wanted children I don’t believe the opportunity will present itself. So, I mourn for the children I will never have. The pregnancy I had always wanted, but now will never experience. I mourn for the family I will never have.

Exercise Forty-Two
I. Identify the areas of your life where addiction remains the prevalent indicator in your decision-making. Especially consider high-value areas of your life such as family, friends, career, etc.

1. Volunteering – I am putting off going back to my volunteering for child sexual abuse causes in my city. Talking about molesters and the legal system in regards to sexual abuse and sentencing terms is a large trigger for me right now. I don’t think I am yet separated from the trauma enough to give this issue the passion and conviction it requires.

2. Relationships – I have no interest or desire to enter into another relationship right now, but I think that is a healthy decision. Yes his addiction had created some trust issues and relational concerns, but I need to work on myself first and gain a greater respect and awareness of myself and my values before allowing another into my life on a romantic level.

3. Entertainment – I currently avoid certain entertainment that I know will be triggering for me. I turn off the radio when certain songs come on, I turn off certain movies or TV shows when certain topics or images appear. I have turned down outings to comedy clubs for fear of the comedian’s material. I avoid things that will trigger my PTSD and stress caused by my ex-H’s addiction.

4. Children – This isn’t really an “area” of my life, but a major decision that was made based on my experience with my ex-H’s addiction. If, in the future, this issue was to be readdressed, I think I would have great difficulty not using this addiction and the repercussions from it as a decision indicator.

II. For each area that remains influenced by your partner's addiction, what actions would you take should your partner not be addicted? In other words, if you only relied on your value system to guide you, what decisions would you make in relation to these areas?
1. Volunteering – If M didn’t have a porn or sex addiction I would have continued with my volunteering. There would have been no reason for me to stop as I would not have felt as triggered and stressed. I believe my decision to not go back is a situation of two of my personal values colliding; Child Protection vs. Health. I could go back to volunteering but it would be cause me great stress and emotional pain at the moment and so I have chosen to wait until I am in a healthier place emotionally before putting my energy and efforts back into my value of Child Protection and volunteering.

2. Relationships – If M didn’t have a pornography and sex addiction our relationship would have been healthier and it would have survived. I loved him and his other qualities and there would have been no reason for me to leave the marriage. Although if he didn’t have the addiction and we still broke up I probably wouldn’t feel as untrusting and fearful of another relationship as I currently do. If M didn’t have his addiction my personal issues probably wouldn’t have been exacerbated as they were and so it might not have been necessary for me to work so hard on myself before getting involved with someone else. Although I guess I could look at this whole thing as a blessing in disguise as an opportunity to build myself into a truly strong, healthy well-rounded woman.

3. Entertainment – If M didn’t have his addiction I would have no difficulty with the types of entertainment I am now avoiding. The reason for the avoidance is because they are triggering of M’s addiction and betrayals. I would watch whatever I wanted without feeling sick or upset and would go with my sister and brother in law to the comedy clubs.

4. Children – If M didn’t have his addiction I wouldn’t feel as unprepared to have children and wouldn’t be as fearful of causing them damage as I am now. My other values would guide me towards family and being a great mother…but M does have an addiction and its impact can’t be ignored or wished away. I am not willing to put myself or children in danger or screw them up as I fear I would.

III. Part of your Personal Relapse Plan involves the need to assess the times when you have lost focus on your values in decision-making Develop this area now. Think about your decision-making processes when you are primarily influenced by your partner's addiction. Think about your decision-making processes when you are primarily influenced by your values. What triggers can you look for that will allow you to recognize when you are engaging in unhealthy decision-making patterns? When you recognize these triggers, what actions will you take?

Hmmm…this one is difficult because I don’t believe the decisions above are unhealthy…I think they are healthy decisions for me based on protecting myself from triggering situations. I think if the behaviour were to continue for years to come because of continuing triggering and pain from M’s addiction that would be unhealthy for me and would need to be addressed. I think the above decisions are actually based on my values of heath, though they are guided by and necessary because of, M’s addiction.

I have learned by now, that if I am making any unhealthy decisions – based on M’s addiction or not – I would know it in my gut. I think my triggers would be: guilt, indecisiveness, sleeplessness, defensiveness. When I recognize this happening I would take some time to be honest with myself and figure what I am trying to achieve (or avoid) by making these unhealthy decisions. I would analyze the situation and my decisions and try to figure out what is truly in my best interest. I find pro and con lists to be very helpful and eye-opening, because you can write anything, big or small and seeing things in black and white like that makes it harder to deny!

So it appears my workshop has ended.

I have learned a lot about sex addiction, my husband and myself by reading the lessons and doing the exercises. I will forever be greatful to the coaches and other women here on RN for giving me a space to work through my crisis and trauma. The support and feedback and validation I have received has been an enormously empowering and healing tool for me.
Even after completing the workshop the 2nd time, I find days where thoughts and realizations will come up and there is more I could enter into past posts. I think this is a good sign that my eyes are open and I am becoming more and more aware of the relationship I actually had and the reality I lived in for the past 7 years.

I still have my triggers to deal with and some of them still cause me emense pain, but I will continue to work on them and myself.

I am reading other books and doing the exercises they offer and am continuing my journey of healing and recovery. I still have bad days and bad moments, but I am more equipped now to handle them and work my way through them with my values in mind. I look to the future with hope and positive anticipation. I will forever be affected by this experience, but I refuse to allow it enough power to consume my happiness, present and future.

And these are not just words I am saying...I feel them. I feel the reality of the them and the power of them. I truly am healing, slowly, but surely. For me, this freedom and peace came from leaving my husband. As difficult and painful as it was, it was right for me.

I will stay on the RN support forum as I do find it beneficial for me and at times enlightening. I recognize that I am 34 months past my 1st D-Day only 7 months past my 2nd D-Day, and I have more healing and work to do.

I will not repeat my unhealthy patterns.
I will not neglect my own values.
I will not allow boundary violations to go unaddressed.
I will not change who I am to please another.
I will not take anothers actions, opinions or feelings as being reflected of myself.
I will not settle for less than what I deserve.
I will not accept anything less than happiness.

Peace

So, I am coming back to my healing thread for journal entries and to work my way through more of my healing.

My recent trip to Las Vegas has really brought out a lot of emotions and triggers for me. Part of it has to do with M and his addiction and betrayal, but a lot of it has nothing to do with him specifically, but about the nature of sexuality and societies beliefs about it and women. Seeing what I saw has truly brought out some great fears. Fears I haven't felt in a while, at least not to this extent. I had always felt, to a degree, that men only wanted women for one thing. With M, I felt different. This sounds strange even to me because I see the confusion...M could be sweet, loving, respectful, caring and gentle with me (more so in the beginning) and I felt safe with him...incredibly safe. I felt he had brought me back some faith in men. However, and here is the confusion, he could also be incredibly hurtful, rude, cruel, mean, disrespectful, degrading and crass. Strange how I could have felt that this man gave me fath in men.

And after my 2nd D-Day I felt he had proven my original beliefs to be right. I don't want to go back to that place of distrusting all men. But if I am to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I don't trust them. I question them all. My male friends at work...who I really like and respect, I find myself wondering...what do they do behind their wives backs? My friend K has a wonderful husband G. I have a lot of respect for him, but I do find myself wondering...would he ever, could he ever?

I wonder if these thoughts are more prevelent now that I am moving on from M, and my future looms in front of me unknown. As time passes, I am being asked by others about dating or "getting back out there". And that concept is scary. I am not ready to meet someone else, and I don't want to meet someone else. Part of that is healthy...wanting to concentrate on me and my healing...dealing with my feelings and the end of my marriage. Dealing with my personal issues related to M and not. Another part is not healthy...it's angry and terrified and completely untrusting. I love my mom...but she allowed her unhealthy marriage to my father to destroy her. Her anger and bitterness can be palpable at times. Her distrust of all men is not something she really hides. some of my cousins have husbands that she truly adores. She likes them and respects them, but she feels they are the few against the norm. And painfully...she adored M. She loved him and thought he was an amazing guy. I think she also feels betrayed by him.

Reading through one of my old journals I saw an entry of when I told my mom about how cruel and hurtful M could be. Because I had never had a real realationship before M, I was asking my mom what she thought and looking for some insight or advice. Her advice to me was that I should ignore his comments about how stupid and ignorant I was. That he didn't mean what he said, he just said it to hurt me and control me. I realize that how I handle situations is my responsibility, but it's interesting to see plainly like that how I was taught to behave in relationships: not to stand up for myself, that I should not speak up. My parents separated when I was very young, and my only memories of them together were unpleasant. I never had relationship role-models.

I am feeling a little confused right now as to where I need to start in regards to my healing. I see my therapist on Thursday and I have written down some things I believe I need to deal with and work on. Things such as:

-Triggers
-Codependency
-Arousal Template
-Family history
-Trauma bonding

I have bought about 5 books and I just don't know where to start. Which should I read first? Which would help me more right now? What do I need to hear most right now? ARG! It's overwhelming. I know I need to take my time and relax, but it's difficult.

I have had abnormal vaginal bleeding now for about 3 weeks (not during normal menstraution) so I am a little concerned. I see the doctor tomorrow. Medical websites say it could be certain things, or it could be extreme emotional distress...I guess PTSD would qualify?!

So...I am up and down. M texted me last night and asked how Vegas was. I said Cher was great, but I didn't like Vegas. He asked why...I told him. His response was "Fucked up. Guess that's why they call it Sin City". I didn't respond. He then texted me again and said he was sorry that what he did affected what should have been an amazing trip for me.
He is good at apologies, but they are empty and don't contain any actual empathy or understanding...I realize he is just not capable of that...at least not without taking responsibility for his actions and going through recovery.
He has my childhood christmas stocking which I am getting from him in a few days, then I will have to insist (again) on no contact.

Funny, I thought I had been doing pretty well with my triggers, then I had to go and thrust myself into the pit of smut!!

This healing journey truly is a long and winding road.