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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2012 7:23 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 29, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 3
Ok, the unadulterated discovery. It took me a while to fully grasp that my husband was addicted to porn and masterbation. I would find magazines early on. He would never admitt that they were his ( we lived with 2 other couples at the time.) After our daughter was born, I saw that he was surfing porn on the PC. I got angry, and confronted him. He promised it was a one time thing and he would never do it again. I was dumb....well, he did it again and again and again. Never admitting it unless he was caught red handed. I finally came to the realization that he was addicted. I thought maybe if I was able to be there sexually for him all the time it would help. It didn't. My self esteem went down the drain. I felt so ugly and inadequate. I compared myself to the roladex of pornagraphic images I had in my head on a regular basis. I never measured up. He is now in healthy recovery...I think. I am still somewhat untrusting. My self esteem is not linked to his acting out as it once was. I see evidence of his SA pop up now and then. Like when we are at a resturant and he has a hard time keeping his eyes off one of the waitresses. He hasn't viewed porn in about a year as far as I know. I realize I am healthier than I was last year, but I am still quite broken. I want to become a whole and healed individual no matter what HE chooses for his life.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 12:17 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi Journey,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. Few of us recognize addiction when it is staring us in the face, we believe promises, we are trusting, and our self esteem takes a beating. I'm sorry that you've had to experience all that comes with this kind of relationship.

It's realistic to not trust him at this point. He has to show you that he is trustworthy. That will take time and hard work on his part. In the meantime, trust you gut. The lesssons in the workshop will help you get to that place. Also, know that none of his choices are about you. None of them.

:g: :g: :g: This is a great attitude and the only way our healing happens is to focus on yourself. A year's time is still early so please take heart that your healing process is just beginning.
Quote:
I realize I am healthier than I was last year, but I am still quite broken. I want to become a whole and healed individual no matter what HE chooses for his life
.

This is a self-led workshop, but from time to time a mentor or coach will check in with you. It's best to find a comfortable pace for doing the lessons knowing that this is a continuum of learning with each lesson building on the previous one - so take time to digest the material but maintain a kind of momentum that is comfortable for you. It is very hard work and sometimes painful. Your process will be unique to you - there is no one size fits all. If you have any questions, the Community Forum is a great resource. Also, when you submit a lesson, stay on this thread using the submit button.

You are in the right place. There's nothing quite like Recovery Nation. :w:

Nellie James


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 Post subject: Vision
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:17 am 
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Joined: Tue May 29, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 3
I see myself always having a relationship with God
I see God using every tough experience in my life to glorify Him.
I see myself loving and raising my kids with Gods help
I see myself not becoming bitter due to circumstances


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 Post subject: Re: Vision
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:06 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi journey,
When you post a new lesson, go back to your original thread and post it there. This way you keep all your lessons in one continuous thread.

Also, think of your vision as a comprehensive roadmap for your life and include various interests, aspirations, hobbies, health along with your spiritual life goals. It's good to be as specific as you can at this point.

Nellie


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 Post subject: Exercise 5
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 5:12 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 29, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 3
I do understand what it is like to have an addiction. I used to drink and smoke to ease stress. After I became pregnant with my daughter I knew this was not the kind of mom I wanted to be. All of the sudden there was something greater than myself to worry about. I returned to my roots...God. I was very emotionally and physically uncomfortable when I removed my old ways of coping. I began to read my bible and pray and give my stress over to Him. The more I said no to old habits the easier it got. When I gained enough distance from my addiction I saw even more so just how unhealthy it was. Where I'm at now it is highly unlikely I will ever return to those old patterns. My husband would probably replace his SA with faith also. I'm not sure why he has not done that yet. He always says that's what he wants.


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