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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:27 am 

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:21 pm
Posts: 4
i hope i am using these threads right. this is new for me.

my vision for my life:

i see myself spending quality time with myself. i see myself spending quality time with others. i see myself hosting and entertaining again, and i see my friends feeling welcome to stop by my house. i see myself building community through shared meals and shared interests. i see myself taking time to be outside. i see myself having a daily meditation practice and a regular yoga practice. i see myself exercising 3-4 times weekly. i see myself feeling confident in the garden. i see myself being a friend who is there for people who need me - being reliable, someone people can count on. someone who follows through on commitments. i see myself loving openly, honestly and with trust and hope again. i see myself setting boundaries and maintaining them. i see myself daring to start creative writing again. i see myself feeling strong, independent, and free. i see myself not needing sexual attention from a man to feel validated. i see myself being spontaneous. i see myself taking good care of the people who work for me, encouraging them to have a good work-life balance. i see myself modeling that balance. i see myself traveling for fun, not just for work. i see myself going out to see live music and going dancing at least a couple of times a month. i see myself quitting cigarettes. i see myself choosing health. i see myself learning samba or salsa. i see myself with a partner i trust, adore and feel safe with.

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 12:22 am 

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:21 pm
Posts: 4
Thank you Minerva. I will keep doing the work. One thing that has just started to become clear to me is that I have very blurry boundaries. And the boundaries and values i had (or thought i had) before being in this relationship have become even more fuzzy. causing me to lose a lot of self-respect. You keyed in on something I really need to work on. Thanks for the feedback.

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 1:30 am 

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:21 pm
Posts: 4
A) Brainstorm the times when your gut feelings have been right about your partners sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right though it may never have been proven either way.

The situation with C.
The situation with the woman in Canada.
The Friday before I found out I was pregnant
Last November when I was at a conference out of town.
The situation with the woman from church.
The situation with his coworker K. (went on over time and he repeatedly denied)
The situation with L.
The party he lied to me about last November.
The cinco de mayo fight party where B showed up. He must have invited her.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to overrid you “gut feelings” in relation to your partner’s behavior.
I am not sure if I’m remembering everything. Actually I’m sure I’m not.
The thanksgiving trip Nov 2009 where he acted really odd when I found him chatting with the woman in the airport. It was our first trip anywhere together. He didn’t introduce me although he was clearly very familiar with her and seemed perturbed that I came to tell him the flight was boarding. It almost seemed like he was acting as if we weren’t traveling together.
In march 2010 when he accompanied me on a business trip and I found him out by the pool one afternoon seeming very familiar and flirtatious with a server.
At the BBQ in May 2010 when a woman was being very familiar with him and I dismissed it. He didn’t introduce me.
That Friday in June 2010 when he was MIA.
The Sundays in summer 2010 he would go out dancing with his friends and not invite me – women friends.
Last fall when we went on a “Date”, our first date in months, and he spent the entire evening during the performance staring at a young woman. Really odd. Like overstaring. Inappropriately. Sometimes when I have brought up his leering at women he says he looks at women because he’s “trying to figure out if he finds them attractive”. WTH????
That xmas party in 2009 where he got mad at me for “not polishing my boots” and then took me home instead of taking me with him… it was as if he didn’t want me to come along in the first place.
That when we split up for a week last year he took another woman to the banquet as his date.
That he changed his facebook status to single within a couple of days of breaking up, he announces it like it’s a big deal/blessing.
That he was so resistant to getting help even after admitting his addiction. Stalled and stalled on calling the therapist, had every excuse under the sun for not going to a group.
That he was still resistant after starting to get help
That he exhibited this weird tit for tat behavior about information sharing that wasn’t even accurate.
His suspiciousness/distrust of me at times when he had no reason to do so and taking situations to a strange and inappropriate level. Like the time we were out at a friend's bday party at a bar and he was uncomfortable with me talking to a man there and when we left he was angry and made some really odd and threatening comments about how "two can play that game, and i can play it much better than you." i was just talking to this person. then he left me in downtown and did not drive me home though we had come together. it was late, after 1am, and i had to find my own way home.

I will come back to C, as I need to think about that one more.

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