Recovery Nation

When I was growing up I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a variety of people. Some were in positions of trust, some were practically strangers. I was repeatedly told and shown that my only worth was for sex or making other people feel better. As a teenager I acted out sexually. Looking back I feel that it was a way for me to feel I was in control over my own sexuality-though in reality I was out of control. I got my act together after a failed abusive marriage and the birth of my oldest child. I felt that I was in a good place, comfortable with being a single mom the rest of my life if it meant I was never involved in an unhealthy relationship again. Then enters my current husband. We had been friends for years, I had always heard that he was "a good guy". I thought that I'd seen plenty of evidence that he was the person he presented. Looking back I can see a cacophony of warning bells. The fact that he didn't see lying to me as a problem because "it was about small things". Or placing himself first, choosing to break dates and commitments because of "his" activities. Or even warning bells within myself, that I was willing to accept less effort or kindness in the excuse that I was modern and didn't "need" that sort of thing.
Regardless, I pressed on. Neither of us wanted a serious relationship, but that's where it progressed. A few years later we were married and had our second child. During this time I always felt that something was wrong, but I played it off in my head that it was MY issues that were selling me false-telling me something wasn't right. I didn't realize that he'd been lying and hiding things from me all this time. My first clue that something was really wrong was a phone call I got from a girl asking for him and then telling me she was his girlfriend. It was so off the wall and weird that I bought it hook line and sinker when he said he had no idea who it was. After all, how would he have time to have another girl? A few months after that I found his registration to webcam sites and a huge amount of p material that he' been using. When I asked him about it, of course he denied it. (At this point I dont' see how I could have believed him, but part of me did). To this day I don't know if he physically cheated. Every day I was crying, miserable, knowing something was wrong but not knowing what. The careful choices I had made were turning out to be all wrong, but I couldn't accept that the person I thought I knew was someone else entirely. That's basically the story for the next 10 years. A cycle of me finding things, him lying, me trusting again to just get the rug pulled out from under me. His behavior got more and more distant until I found myself in the uncomfortable, dishonest, miserable relationship I swore I would never be in. Then it got worse. For years he attempted to get me into a threesome, or other sexual situations, saying it was just a fantasy but acting moody and distant when I repeatedly told him that I wanted him to not WANT to share me. He flirted and lusted after a teenage girl in front of me, bringing me to see him as the same sort of perverted pedophile that had abused me. He lied to my face, after months of me adjusting my behaviours and attitudes, anything to make HIM feel comfortable/loved/and ready to trust ME enough to tell the truth. Ha.
The time before last I made plans to leave, he said he would "change", that he finally got it. Six months later I realized he SO did not get it and finally had a breakthrough/breakdown. This time I was leaving. We told the kids, I made plans, we started the process. Somewhere along the way he said he would do what it would take. We are now in counseling and he is working on recovery (I hope). Part of me sees real changes in his behaviour, part of me thinks I am a complete fool for trying this one more time. I am so disappointed in myself for putting up with his BS for so many years, sacrificing mine and my childrens happiness in the HOPE that he would be the person I thought he was. Part of me thinks that no matter what he does I always look at him and see the person who was willing to sacrifice my feelings, or anyone elses, to satisfy himself. I am still here, I am still hopeful. Some days I feel that of course we can make this work, look at all the changes he has made...
We'll see. Part of my worry is just that. How will I see? How will I know?

Hello stillhere, and welcome to Recovery Nation.

What you have shared about your relationship, the discovery, and the repeated “giving it one more try” is something that many partners here have experienced. You can beat yourself up for not listening to your gut when the signs were there--but the thing is, you trusted; you wanted to believe... and there is nothing wrong with that! What is wrong is that he abused your trust, manipulated it. So now, here you are, years later, ready to give it yet another go. There is nothing wrong with that either! You are worried about how you will know. As you progress through the workshop, you will develop those areas of your life that have been neglected, and the values that have become skewed as a result of the incongruence between your gut and his empty promises and shallow words. Because, it’s not so much that you didn’t know--you didn’t want to know. It was too much of a threat to your sense of self. With this work, you will strengthen your sense of self such that you will be able to face reality, whatever that looks like, and you will be empowered to make choices that are in alignment with your vision and your values. That you are here and doing this work is indicative that you are now ready to know, ready to see, and so you will. Give yourself the space and time to do this foundational work and your answers will become apparent to you. In the meantime, be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

First, thanks for the reply. I've re-read it quite a few times now and it still speaks to me. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself any room for time, kindness or forgiveness for myself.
Now, onto part 2..
I see myself as someone who values honesty, kindness, and compassion. I will work on surrounding myself with people who embody and support this while minimizing the impact of people in my life who do not. I see myself as someone who will stand up for the things I believe in, and is secure enough to respect others opinions without feeling the need to agree with them.
I see myself as someone who is calm and happy. I will take time out of my day and week to do activities that support this, such as meditation, quiet time, nature time or whatever else brings me inner stillness.
I will participate (and initiate) in the silly, the fun, the joyful behavior of life around me. Time with my children, friends, and myself will be savored and enjoyed as the treasure it is.
I see myself as someone who values the necessity of laughter even when things are difficult.
I see myself as someone who is able to take life's difficulties with perspective, understanding that the good and the bad times are primarily subjective and transient.
I see myself as someone who is reliable. I will only agree to do things that I want to do and will be able to do. When I take something on, I can be secure in the fact that I will do it to the best of my ability. I will feel comfortable saying no to things that I either do not want to do or can not realistically do.
I see myself as someone who does not let pride in the way of asking for help when needed.
I see myself as someone who is adventurous. I will continue to push my boundaries emotionally and physically in order to enjoy life to it's fullest.
I see myself as someone who takes care of myself physically and mentally by eating well, exercising well, sleeping well, and treating myself with kindness and compassion. I see myself as someone who then gives these attributes to my daughters by example, showing them a path for self care.
I see myself as someone who sets goals and then has a life that reflects those goals. I see myself as someone who will re-evaluate my life on a regular basis and make decisions based on how things are working for me, rather than societal expectations. I will be brave enough to try new things, or different things, that I feel will help me achieve the life I want.

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).
There are so many times over the last almost 15 years that I'm not even sure where to start.
When he would tell me he had work to do, and it was p. When he said the webcam wasn't for site The times I found things on the computer he lied about. The times he wouldn't answer the phone or would act evasive and it turned out he was with other women (sexual or not) . The relationship with a fellow student of his. His fantasies about other women. The lack of sexual attraction towards me that was not a low sex drive, but p behavior. The ugliness and awfulness towards the children and I that was a result of being withheld from p. The times when we have been in intimate scenarios and he is fantasizing about others. His views towards teens that he still won't admit to. The feeling that at times he resents me for everything, that he sees me as the problem. The need for new gadgets to a/ o on. Going to work at all hours, when actually going to a/ o. Current motivation.
C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors,situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.
My husband says that he is not acting out at work, but he has previously and has never been wary of consequences. His work schedule is as crazy and erratic as ever.
My husband says that he has been completely honest with me, that he has nothing to lose, but he has never openly disclosed anything to me without me knowing first and confronting him.
My husband says that the motivation for him to change is so that he can be a healthy person, but the only reason I have ever seen him change is to avoid negative consequences. I have not seen him make decisions on his own that would suggest he is thinking past what he thinks I need to see.
My husband says he is an honest person, but I have never know him to be in reality.
My husband says that he would never allow anything physical to happen with someone else, but I have seen him cross those boundaries.

Ok, I'm working on the next part of the lesson but seem to be stuck. I am so disillusioned by who I thought he was vs. who he actually ended up being that I'm still having a hard time sorting out whats real or not
Any advice for getting past this?

Ok, here goes a good shot.
What good will remain...well, he works hard. (this wouldn't be the place to post snarky comments, but I find myself falling into that trap too often).
He values hard work, education, and self determination.

The negative parts that will remain... He's self centered, selfish, and doesn't have a defined sense of self ( who knows, maybe that part will change).

Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.
 
A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

 I did that to a small extent several years ago. My h was supposedly "clean" (he wasn't), his behavior towards the children and I was so superficial and degrading but outwardly so charming that I really felt I was going insane, and to top it off we were moving to another country. For about a month I developed a complete fantasy world.... As I write this I realize I've had that fantasy world for a lot longer, maybe about 12 of the 14 years we've been together. I would see his actions and develop a script in my mind that was completely different. I used to manage my stress in a lot of ways. Dancing, hanging out with friends, reading, sitting outside. Other than reading I don't really have a good form of stress relief now.
B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.
My compulsive behavior was "everything is ok!" and I spent a lot of time and energy (truly compulsive) to make sure this was what people saw. If I had not done it I would have had to face
reality and left myy, and broken our family...what there was of it. The anxiety was awful.
Overwhelming, pervasive, constant. I felt that I was going to drown or shatter any moment. If
anything threatened that reality (someone asking if I was ok for instance) I went into overdrive
proving everything MUST be ok, don't you see how gosh darned happy we all are?

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage
his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself
emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how
would he?
I really don't know. He is constantly stressed and generally refuses to see any option for reducing or dealing with stress..... Tis isn't very helpful for the purpose of the lesson other than maybe to show me how deficient he is in stress coping skills....

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.
 I did. Isat and read the whole thing. And it was hard. Really, really hard. It was hard because putting all that into the light makes it difficult to ignore what my h has done. Hard because I'm really angry , hurt, and scared right now, and the thought that my h might be continuing as he did is terrifying. Hard because I found myself empathizing. Not that I viewed his actions as right, but because it IS so easy to fall into justifications, patterns, and coping mechanisms...even when we know they're not good for us.
B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.
 I'm not entirely sure what this is asking, but I'll give it a shot.. He has a pattern of isolating, then a/o "because he is stressed and lonely". He views women as "females" rather then people. Incidents that should be disturbing, aren't. He finds it very exciting to "trap" me, but he has never taken this further than " joking". He also finds grabbing and other activities tha I'm not expecting overly exciting. He has rationalized staring and other habits as "complimentary" to the person he's giving attention to. His isolating activities to a/o are justified as his business and that his views, actions, and usage don't affect others. He goes throug "up" periods...everything us good-great even,then longer periods of " down" where it seems that the world is against him and he only has himself to count on.
C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
All of them... I truly think that his s/a is the tip of the iceberg. His issues are understandable with his background, but not acceptable.

Great work on your vision!

This is something that will get worked out with time. There is a lesson on grieving your losses, but it is later in the workshop. I speculate that it is something that is better done when we have a certain amount of perspective around what addiction is and isn’t. If you would like to jump ahead, that is your prerogative, but I would say that for now, putting one foot ahead of yourself and trusting the process will be a helpful strategy. I do not recommend trying to resist, or forcing yourself to get past it as what we resist often persists (sometimes, with a vengeance). One more thing is that, just as we must work to separate ourselves from their addiction (that is, come to see that their addiction is not about us), we must also come to separate the man from the addiction, and see that his addiction is not who he is at the core of his being (that is, unless he so chooses that for himself). Instead, he is a man who has an addiction.

That works.

There is a difference between empathizing and it meaning that it is okay, or somehow justified. I had a difficult time with this part of healing as well. I thought that, were I to show any compassion, it would mean (either directly, or indirectly) that I was endorsing his behaviour. This is not what it is about. We can empathize and show compassion because (if) it is in line with our values to do so, which is about us living with integrity to ourselves. At the same time as we understand, we can also create boundaries to protect those values that were violated as a result of their addiction. Without this understanding, such boundary creation tends to be more reactive, based in emotionality rather than being grounded in, and created from, our vision and values.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

First off, thanks again Coach Mel. Good insight and lots of food for thought, as always.
Exercise 7:
A.
Open communication: I have really attempted to provide this, but only with a limited degree of success. My h has limited resources where we currently are. He could find online or other support sources, but locally at least he is limited. Because of this I feel somewhat burdened. If he doesn’t have me to talk to, he has no one. It puts me in the position of trying to be therapist, SO, friend, and anything else he needs and, frankly, I’m not at a healthy enough place to be all of that for him.
We are in couples counseling, and that does help some. Unfortunately, the only counselor we have available is not familiar with s/a and I feel that we (I) end up running the session most weeks. After reading this lesson a few days ago I have made a conscious effort, and discussed it with h, to limit recovery talk and focus more on positive planning, etc. This led to me also setting up some new boundaries (i.e. for now I don’t feel comfortable going out it public with him. He’s still scanning and it leads to hurt and anger on my part and negative interaction for the two of us.). The new boundaries were set up out of a true desire to move forward, rather than as a punitive action, and I think that it will give us both some space to focus on our own recovery.
Managing recovery: I originally was very involved with this, and have actively stepped back. My h is responsible for setting up our counseling sessions, sometimes with varying degrees of success-but overall reliably. He is reading materials that he says help him to understand what he needs to understand. I generally bring up “check-ins” and issues. Until this lesson I really felt that “this time” I was having him take responsibility…I didn’t have a check list of x,y,z for him, lol. I can see that I am still much more involved than I should be. On a healthy note, reminding myself that this is “not my problem” is such a freeing, relaxing mantra-that I find myself saying it all day long! It’s helped reduce some of the resentment towards h too!
Pursuit of health: It’s crazy..part of the script we’ve been using in our relationship is that I’m the “healthy” one. That places on unfair burden on me to be the “voice of reason” and a unhealthy burden on him to not be able to take responsibility for his own actions and progress. I thought that I was helping him to be healthy, I’m really starting to see that I was hindering him by being too helpful. I have made HUGE strides in pursuing my own health, and I can’t believe the rewards I’ve gained so far. For the first time in years I have whole blocks of time (working up to days!) where I feel happy, relaxed, focused. I’m starting to be able to separate his actions from my reactions.

B.
A pretty good segway into B. I think! I have been making my recovery a priority, h has done a good job of voicing that he considers my recovery a priority too. Which, to a certain degree is a whole story in itself (him “protecting me” from the truth, feeling sorry for me/reinforcing his “bad person” stereotype of himself, etc). But, he’s trying, which is good. I am taking time each day to work on lessons here (even if I’m not posting, I read every day/think about the concepts). I take a step back when I start thinking in the patterns I’ve developed, and revert back to value based actions (most of the time). And I feel good about it. I feel that I’m seeing the whole picture, that I am worthy of taking care of. I am setting boundaries that give me the space and time to heal. I’m using resources to give me the tools to heal. The process of my recovery is taking center stage for me.

Somewhat of a tangent-but I think it fits well enough.. H and I had a whole discussion yesterday about timelines of recovery. He feels that 10 years from now he may not be recovered enough to “make me not regret staying”. It gave me a chance to remind him that, as long as I have correct information, I’m a good decision maker and perfectly capable of making decisions that I don’t regret-even if things don’t work out. It also gave me a chance to tell him that I don’t believe that all of recovery has to be a long process, it can make leaps and bounds if the work is put in while some aspects take years of reinforcement. There is no way to hurry recovery, but also no reason to slow it down. This whole concept threw him for a loop. Last night he exhibited a lot of traits that go along with his p/a (over-reacting to small stressors, focusing on others problems to an unhealthy level, high levels of frustration). I think the idea that he’s got the responsibility to actually change (even if it is what he wants) is really scary for him, and I’m not sure he isn’t a/o. The only good part of that is for once I realized it doesn’t matter. He’s the captain of his own ship, and the only one capable of making those decisions. If he wants to put the work in, he will.

C.
With our upcoming move h will have a lot more access to resources. This is the point where I feel I can take a very hands off approach, quit being his therapist, etc. During the interim I will continue setting healthy boundaries, disengage if the communication isn’t healthy, focus on my own recovery, and make a bigger effort to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship that are developing. A big step that have started taking, and will continue to take, is to not accept status quo. If a scenario is not working, it needs to change. My progressing is the only part of helping ensure the success of our relationship that I have control over, so focusing on my health, happiness, and well being will be my priority in each of the areas discussed.

Coach Mel: Also (and this may sound a little hippie dippie ) the thought of "what you resist persists" I am now understanding as the energy you focus on resisting something is exactly what feeds it continuing. I can use that energy and focus on recovery while processing the "resist" part in a healthy non-feeding way. All that negative energy can be a huge catalyst for good things as long as I maintain my shift in focus and intention. Just something I've been thinking, and it was pretty serendipitous that you brought it up. Is this an accurate way of viewing it, in your opinion?

Exercise 8:
A.
I think my h is somewhere between “ those who will occasionally struggle” and “those who will make the transition”. I think the desire to change is there, but that he has very little insight into how to change. He is still behavior focused and doesn’t understand the difference between “abstaining” and recovery, even though he does seem to want to understand. Through goals that he has made, and achieved, (i.e. reading a book on sexual addiction, going to support boards, abstaining from p/mb) I can see that he is committed to finding change. What I am unsure of is if he will continue to search for resources that will help him recover.

B. Three issues I wish would change.
1. I wish that my husband would understand that abstaining is not recovery. His focus and understanding is limited due to a crippled background. He is making an effort on this front.
2. I wish that my h would be able to see outside the box in regards to his behavior, leading to an understanding that his current paradigm still isn’t working and that deep fundamental shifts need to happen. Once again, the desire is there.
3. I wish my husband would be more passionate about recovery. He currently uses a multitude of excuses to make recovery more difficult/impossible (no time, no resources, etc) rather than seeking solutions to these issues. This relates a lot to one and two. His desire is there, but not strong enough to prompt action past what he is doing right now.

Exercise 9:
This has been one of the most difficult lessons, even though it’s not been as time consuming as others. I don’t see that my husband has many indications that he is in active vs. reactive recovery. I think that this is a stage, but it makes me very uncomfortable that he hasn’t moved through it and that, at this point, he doesn’t really have a grasp of what healthy recovery may look like. He very much still sees abstaining and changing overt behavior as the key, deeper changes haven’t been evident.

A.
H has stopped (as far as I know) overt a/o.

H has taken steps to begin educating himself on s/a and healthy behavior (counseling, support boards, reading). Almost all of this was instigated by me, but he has continued on his own.

B.
My h is still at a point where he is very fatalistic, he sees himself as damaged, broken, a complete f*up where it comes to relationships, still very much in the “poor me, I can never do anything right” mentality. He (I think) is in the process of seeing himself in a more realistic light, but isn’t there yet.

H is still displaying the same stress handling techniques (or lack of) that have served him so poorly. He focuses (to an extreme level) on things that are minor as some sort of fixation. I.e. our daughters (who are both great students, responsible, polite, kind, etc) he sees as heading for failure because “they don’t go out of their way to do things we don’t ask them to”. First of all, they do. Second of all, I’m not sure how many kids run around doing extra chores even in the best of households. This belief was fixated on the other night to the point where it developed into a huge argument (yes, my fault too). He seems to use this as an avoidance technique for working on himself and says he sees it as a sign he “loves them”.

H is still participating in subtle behaviors and using deception to handle it. I’m not sure about overt a/o. My gut says something is going on, but it’s the chicken or the egg scenario. Is he a/o and therefore displaying behaviors he previously has, or is he displaying those behaviors because previously his stress has led him to a/o (in other words what I’m seeing is a rising level of stress that he hasn’t learned how to handle)?


C.
I have tried to communicate both the healthy and unhealthy to my partner. The healthy seems to get lost (or overwhelmed) in his mind by the unhealthy. If I say 3 times how proud of his hard work I am, then once that I see a behavior as unhealthy the unhealthy weighs out. A large part of this may be that I expand (a lot) on the unhealthy behavior, while the healthy I simply say it and move on. This is something I am working on. As far as his response… he is appreciative when I give him praise, and listens when I bring up unhealthy activities. The only complaint I have is that when he listens it only seems to go so far as restricting himself rather than deeper changes, this seems counter-productive since he needs stress reduction… but I can’t force him to change and I’m hoping he comes to it as finds more resources and education.

Exercise 10:

I see each of my values as well thought and valuable to my continued growth and happiness, so this exercise was challenging in narrowing them down to a few to focus on (though I do see the value in doing it). Here are the ones that I feel are a. integral to healing and giving myself room to grow and be happy and b. ones that can be supported through direct actions.

1. I see myself as someone who is calm and happy. I will take time out of my day and week to do activities that support this, such as meditation, quiet time, nature time or whatever else brings me inner stillness.

A specific plan of action to support this value would be to schedule time daily and weekly in my planner that is “down time”, time to just “be”. Some ideas for this are time for photography, scheduling a pedicure, walking through town, sitting on the porch with a glass of tea, having a warm bath (no book), etc. I’m realizing that time for myself spent reading or on the internet, while fun, doesn’t give me the same amount of rejuvenation or calm that quiet time does.
The past few weeks I have been much better about recognizing that a lot of my running around craziness can be shifted to short bursts of activity followed by time for myself.
During the next 24 hours I will…. Give myself quiet time in the car. No radio, no talking, just driving with the window down. I will sit on the porch with a glass of hot tea, just relaxing. The 48 hours after that I will schedule time during the week for time spent in quiet “me” time.

2. I see myself as someone who values honesty, kindness, and compassion. I will work on surrounding myself with people who embody and support this while minimizing the impact of people in my life who do not. I see myself as someone who will stand up for the things I believe in, and is secure enough to respect others opinions without feeling the need to agree with them.

I will deliberately evaluate the relationships in my life to see how they uphold this value. If they do not currently uphold this value I will evaluate if a change can be made on my part to shift the relationship. If not I will focus on enhancing the relationships that do lift me up instead of wasting energy on the ones that drain me. During the next 24 hours I will listen to myself as I interact with the people around me and evaluate how I truly feel around them. I will also make a list of those that energize me and that I feel add positive energy to my life, I will then make plans to spend time with them either by phone or in person this week.

3. I see myself as someone who is reliable. I will only agree to do things that I want to do and will be able to do. When I take something on, I can be secure in the fact that I will do it to the best of my ability. I will feel comfortable saying no to things that I either do not want to do or can not realistically do.

This is a value that, when upheld, reduces my stress level immensely. As a general action plan I will always take time to think about large projects before agreeing to them, small projects may be considered for a few moments, large ones will require several days and a listing of realistic time commitments and emotional commitments that will go along with the project. During the next 24 hours I will not have to face much of this, so in addition to following my general game plan I will also look at the time I have available and pick a small project or two that I want to accomplish and schedule the time to do it (i.e. cleaning out the cabinet in the hall, or organizing the pantry, organizing computer photos or fabric). These projects will be representative of doing what I (!!) need and want to do, rather than what others need from me.

Follow up to last lesson:
I not only hit all of my goals, but several others as well. Bringing my values to the forefront has helped me incredibly the past few days. I feel happier, freer, and more grounded then I have in years.
Two things I am really proud of (even though they are "small" steps!). 1. I have been embracing the silly in life. The past few years I've let others disapproval or lack of participation hamper a lot of my healthy fun and delight in life. This weekend I quit worrying and just had FUN. 2. I've been able to step back and see that living by my values does not mean imposing them on other people. While my h has done his share of a/o (both in front of me and "without my knowledge") I can see these are his choices. I control how I react to them and what decisions I make in regards to his behavior. This knowledge has helped by allowing me to focus on myself and my health. (Yay!).
I was really surprised at some of the results to my value actions. I can't believe how many people I surround myself with that don't support me living a healthy life, or how mentally resistant I am to reducing their place in my life. In reaction to that I am working on seeing their positive for what it is, and mitigating their negative affects.
This is definitely a work in progress, but I loved having my values in the front and center of my mind, thoughts, and actions!