Recovery Nation

Hi everyone,

First of all let me say how grateful I am to benefit from this great resource. I've browsed the forum (partners section) and I am amazed to see how articulate most women are here. Smart and sensitive people... my heart goes out to each and everyone of you.

I feel I'm in need of reassurance as well.

My heart is broken and even if I'm doing the best I can, sometimes it seems it's not enough. Unfortunately I'm very disabled (I suffer from a bad case of ME : I am bedridden and in musculo-skeletal pain day in and day out, among other debilitating neurological symptoms) and this makes it all a bit harder.

I feel very lonely as well : because of the disease, I've lost a huge part of my support system over the years. I only have one friend left (but he's a great friend, and I've learnt to value quality over quantity) ; I had the chance to share a lot with him after Dday n°1 (October 2011), and he helped me a lot, while being non judgemental (of me or of my SO), but I don't want to burden him too much with all of this anymore...

Also, my SO used to be of great help (practical and emotional support throughout my illness) and since Dday n°1 he's been behaving very erratically and so I've lost my n°1 emotional support (regarding my health related issues).
I'm sorry I'm whining so much, I wish I had the strength to take it all in.

I guess the straw that broke my back was the loss of my therapist. I had a therapist (a shrink) and I had phone sessions (I can't go out) with him quite often after Dday n°1 to address the specific issues I had stumbled into (my SO's acting out).

Unfortunately, the therapist betrayed me very badly. Last February (2012) he put up on his website a detailed article of my story including all the intimate childhood issues I had shared with him ; and all the details of my issues with my SA. He proceeded in an in-depth analysis of "my case" (15 pages) and even though my name wasn't there, there were elements (name of the street I live in, occupation) that made it very easy for anyone who knew me even vaguely to recognize me.

This was utterly humiliating (to see written on a website the details of my "humiliation" and manipulation as he described it) and devastating to me, especially since it was the second betrayal in a row (the first being my SO acting out in many ways including physically).

I asked him to take down the article and he did it immediately, but the trust I had in him (since 2006) is forever lost.

Since then I have had a very hard time talking to anyone, even my friend, about my issues. I feel "exposed". I even find it a little hard to share here as I'm scared people will judge me. I know this is not reasonable but I can't help thinking that way.

I have tried to steady my boat but I'm having a very hard time. I know I'm full of inner resources but I feel dry. I made it through Dday n°1 seven months ago, through my shrink's betrayal, but I'm having a very hard time going through Dday n°2 where (a couple of weeks ago, my SO finally admitted to having betrayed me physically, which he had denied up to then).

One of the questions I wanted to ask is this : I am currently taking a herbal supplement that helps me with the muscular pain and also with the anxiety. I intend to take it for a month (perhaps until mid-June).

Has anyone been in that kind of situation ? Having to resort to tranquilizers or herbal remedies to be able to bear the pain ? How do you feel about it ? What about those who don't ?

I feel it prevents me from feeling the rawness of it all... but I'm fully aware that it prevents me from doing my work (detachment). As it makes me feel "naturally" more detached (it's that herbal remedy's effect on the brain), I don't have to strive so much to detach on my own ; I feel I am "giving in", I feel I'm not facing it all, and I don't like that.

At the same time, I think that if I wasn't taking it, I wouldn't be able to feel well enough to do the work (the lessons on RN). I feel I need a break from the emotional whirlpool I've been forced into since Dday n°1.

Any thoughts on this ?

I hope I posted on the right section of the forum.

I feel cold inside and I need some warmth. I wish I was close to you all, or to just one of you. I need hugs and kisses, and I need my hand held.

Hi overtherainbow

To confirm: You have posted in the correct forum.

I cannot advocate about meds, or remedies, but I can share my personal thoughts on the matter.

Personally, I will avoid taking anything (except allergy medication peak season--it’s not pretty if I don’t take that ). The reasons I do not advocate meds is that I believe that the body is capable of healing itself, and I believe that putting foreign substances into the body can alter it’s physiology in an unnatural way (as distinct from the ways that our natural environments impact and alter our physiology). That said, I also recognize that some people are more or less capable than others, and that some bodies need a little help or boost. So, if taking meds (of any kind) is enough to get you past the hump, or to ground you enough so that you can do the work, then I think that it is not something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. There is wisdom in knowing what you are capable of, and in knowing when to seek a little help. The issue that I have with meds is that many people take them as a solution in an of itself, which it isn’t. In my opinion, doing so, without being active one’s own healing (i.e. doing things that will promote the health of your body and mind) simply perpetuates the problem, creating an ongoing cycle of learned helplessness.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)