Recovery Nation

Hello there

I am wondering if anyone has any advice for me. I have just done exercise 33: What unhealthy roles/thought patterns might you be holding onto?

I am really struggling with letting go. I feel like if I let go of 'what he did' I am condoning it, forgetting it, putting myself at risk, being foolish, and many other judgements/fears.
When things are going well, I feel that I dredge up what happened and hold on to it to keep a distance between us. The distance feels safer than letting go.
I am scared to let it go. But I also know that I have made a clear decision to stay in this relationship, to work together to move forwards and I want to and he wants to. H is really trying and I am seeing progress, he is communicating and using his value system. Things really do feel on track. But when I write that I immediately get visuals of 'what he did'.... So warm thoughts towards him brings up a bad visual. They are hand in hand at the moment.
And they are blocking my progress.

Letting go feels like jumping into the void. What will I find?

Many thanks for any advice from anyone who has been there, is there, is trying to be there.....

Hi sunshine.

What do you mean by "letting it go"?

What I took from this exercise when I did it, was that I had to notice any unhealthy behaviours I was displaying or unhealthy (faulty) thinking I had. We can't change, what we don't acknowledge right? You're not expected to let go of your emotions or concerns or even your plans. What you are asked to do, is be introspective...look at your feelings and thought processes...do any of them seem similar to the unhealthy patterns mentioned in the exercise? Here is a link to my answers, during my 2nd round of the workshop.

http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... &start=120

Sunshine...can you elaborate a bit more on what it is you feel you need to "let go" of?

_________________
Shine On

Many thanks Coach Kelly
It is really great to get some feedback as I have been going around in circles for the past few weeks on this point of 'letting it go'.
In terms of the exercise, it was really helpful to read your post. I suppose I didn't relate to any of those behaviours (I definitely would have done a few years ago when I spent quite a while in a co-dependent relationship that ended after 10 years and a lot of therapy)
so I tried to answer the question of looking at 'the patterns that you have engaged in that may be obstructing the recovery and/or healing process'.

Maybe the persona that I would use is 'The Blamer'. I really missed the exercise on Seeking Retribution. This would have been a good one for me I think.
I am quite black and white and my destructive voice is 'You (i.e. he) did this, you caused this massive pain, you need to pay'. I suppose I feel H has not paid enough. He has taken discovery on the chin, immediately came up with a list of all the sexually exploitative things he has done, throughout his life and during our marriage, he has apologised, he is devotedly working through RN, he is communicating with me every day, he is telling me if there are 'urges' as well as how he is dealing with them, he had a minor slip (which wasn't in our couples contract) and told me about it and then added it to our contract, he is not masturbating (as Cheryl told him not to). He is being a perfect boy scout. He is loving, kind, considerate, caring, desperate to make it work and for me to be happy.

Can it be that easy??? Should he not SUFFER a bit more? Should I not remain ANGRY on behalf of all these other women? So what I mean by letting go, is not holding onto 'what he did' in the present. I made the decision, a considered decision, that I wanted to stay in the relationship. That the pros far outweighed the cons. I do know how much he has suffered in this process, that it really is hard for him but still... to me it feels too easy.

But then the visuals just come about about 'what he did' (prostitute, online affair for many years, compulsive porn and other things). And my brain just can't reconcile 'what he did' with 'who he is' in the sense of the kind, devoted, loving husband and father. So I get stuck.

I feel stuck. And I feel that is " a pattern that may be obstructing the recovery and/or healing process".

My instinct feels like I need to 'let it go' for myself, for my recovery. OK he did these things, but he isn't doing them now and he is trying, and throwing it back in his face and holding tightly onto 'what he did' is not good for either of us. But I don't know how.

Maybe I need to "give myself the gift of patience"....

I understand. It is normal for us to want our SA to experience consequences for their actions. Have you done that exercise yet? I don't remember which one it was...but it asks you to list the consequences the SA has already experienced, both natural and imposed. And it asks you to list the consequences you think they still need to experience.

This is a good exercise as it helps separate the angry, vengeful feelings of wanting them to "hurt" as we did. You know...those rageful fantasy consequences of "I hope his penis falls off". It helps you clear your thoughts to concetrate on how you feel.

What consequences do you feel he should have experienced? For instance, one of the consequences I wish my ex SA had to experience was getting an STD test. I was so embarrased when I got mine...because of his acting out. I felt he should have had the same experience.

I think if you write some of these things out, you may get a better grasp on what it is you need.

In terms of dealing with the betrayal while remaining in the relationship...there are other partner here who have stayed, and I am sure they can share how they deal with it.

_________________
Shine On

Thanks Coach Kelly, really helpful to chat this through to see what it actually is that I am struggling with. Yes, I did do that exercise on consequences. And I rationally know about the consequences and I don't rationally need him to have more consequences.
But I get struck/stuck with this polarity of emotions which I also found when doing the next exercise on Forgiveness and humanising the sex addict.

I have humanised him and I am able to humanise him. He has experienced the consequences, he is trying, he was a damaged child etc. etc. I get all that.
BUT
at the end of the day this poor child, who was not given the love etc he needed, who lacked emotional intelligence, who is a wonderful kind man in so many ways is ALSO responsible for the pain created in MY life, whatever their reasons, justifications etc. are.

And so I get stuck again. It's like my brain keeps polarising
I look at him with love, then get struck with what he did.
I understand exactly why he did why he did and I totally don't understand it.
I love him and I hate what he did.

It is all just so extreme and my brain frazzles trying to integrate such extremes....

It would be great to hear from one who has been able to 'move on'.... I think now through this helpful discussion with Coach Kelly that I may also be trying to rush things, quite a tendency of mine ;-/

Hi sunshine74.

I totally get what you're saying - intellectually you get it all - emotionally you don't want to. I have struggled with that too.

I finally chose to 'let go' for me and also to give possibility to our relationship. I saw I was becoming bitter, negative, angry, vindictive. (my mom lol) These are not me. I decide I wasn't going to let what he did take any more of me. I didn't want to punish him, get even, or make him grovel any more. I wanted him to become the man he could be so we could be an equal partnership. I wanted us to grieve together. There came a point where I chose to accept (not condone) what he did - and accept that he didn't do anything intentionally to me.. and that, rather than being intentionally cruel to me, in fact, he was lost, filled with self loathing and self destructive. I was just the road kill.

On days I start to go down that negative path (because its scary as heck to let go sometimes), I try to remind myself that the only thing real right now - is now. Today he seems to be on a healthy path .... that's all that can be done. The past can’t be rewritten. I wrote in another post I’m trying very hard to live "from this day forward" ... that's all he can do and that's all I can do. It's really hard to let go but it does feel good when you do. A calm falls upon the relationship that is so welcoming.

I still have many triggers, lots of pain at times - when those feelings come I feel them until they pass. Sometimes i share them with him - sometimes i just let them pass, because they do. ... I will not fully trust him for a long time, but when I stop to assess where we are now, I realize it’s light years away from the horror from which we came. That’s all I can ask for “from this day forward”.

I hope this helps, sunshine 74
forlife

What she said.

I am working on this with my counselor right now.

Another thing that helps me is to remember that if I was to divorce him and remarry later in life, that that person will have issues too. Everyone does. And if I remained single, the people I'd come in contact with every day would have issues. It wouldn't guarantee that I'd be free from betrayal, pain, etc.

I think also that with the aftermath of this stuff comes a grieving process. I recognized the similar feelings I had after my current husband's affair to when I was grieving the death of my first husband. His death was harder to deal with but was also mixed with grieving his affair, our divorce and the fact that it was suicide, so who knows. That grief was complicated.

Anyway, I say that only because with grieving comes so many things. We hurt tremendously and are trying to heal. We are trying to figure out how this new thing fits in with our life, who we are and how we want to proceed. We are trying to hold our day to day activities together. Etc. And if we are also experiencing post traumatic stress, with nightmares, ruminating, etc. that just compounds things. This is a process and sometimes saying "I am willing to consider letting go" is good enough. But we also can give ourselves time to let go. It doesn't have to be an overnight process. It can be a gradual and that's okay.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

Thank you Autumn Rose, Kitten and For Life
It is SO helpful to hear your thoughts. You are all right of course. Yes, I do really get that being with someone else or single, with a different support network, doesn't mean protection. As my H keeps tell me, at least I now know the worse, it can only get better.

From this day forward, sounds like a really healthy way of taking things. One day at a time, but also forwards rather than back. Probably a good motto for anyone trying to live their life. But I suppose to get there one has to also have done the grieving as Autumn Rose calls it.

So to bring what you all said together: 'I am willing to consider living from this day forward' :-) Sounds like a good, if slightly vague but permissive mantra. Sounds like being kind to myself. The intention is there without the obligation.

Good one Ladies :-)

That should do it for now, at least until the visualisations slow down...

Thank you Thank you Thank you.