Recovery Nation

A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.

H,
I’m not sure how to express the depth of hurt, anger, confusion and hopelessness you’ve caused me. Every action and word out of your mouth, from day one, was designed to bring you the life you thought you wanted rather than being genuine emotion. You took away my ability for choice by your lies and deceit. Because of your actions I will never see the world the same way again. I had thought I had survived the worst with my joy and delight and FAITH in life intact, but now I can see that your brand of cruelty was so much worse than anything I had encountered before. Worse because of your lies, worse because it was able to be hidden instead of faced, worse because you pretended so well to be someone that you are not. I feel broken, shelled out, and unable to function the way I need to. I can’t face our relationship with any amount of certainty anymore, my faith in you and US is gone.
I look back on how I’ve loved you. How ….
I can’t. I am trying and trying (and have been trying and trying ) to write this letter, and all I can think is that I’ve said it all. I’ve said it all and it doesn’t, and hasn’t, matter(ed) one jot. I feel that I’ve started to come to peace with the fact that no amount of pain he caused me was ever even a consideration in his life. His self-preservation in his fantasy world trumped any repercussions his actions had on me or his children. My values were something he liked to try on and pretend to respect while his every action went against them. Writing this just makes me feel bitter, bitter and weak.

B. Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior?

I’m trying on this one too, but I can’t seem to get there right now. What I want to hear from him isn’t going to, and can’t, happen. He doesn’t have the emotional depth or maturity to even comprehend what how his choices and actions have affected me, or continue to affect me. Writing what “I” would say is beyond me right now. What I would say? I wouldn’t have done it to begin with. I know that’s not the point, and that’s exactly why I can’t seem to complete this lesson right now.

Ha! Nothing like a new lesson to show me just how far I still have to go. I’ll come back to this one as I can. I’m sure one day there will be a letter to write. On the upside, practically I am doing MUCH better at seeing his actions for what they are and separating how I feel about them into much more manageable reactions. As I stated before, I don't feel the need for confrontation all the time. I know what I know, feel how I feel, and confronting him continuously isn't doing either of us any good. I feel like I have space to work on being healthy, which is also probably giving him some space for healthiness too.

Exercise Twelve
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

I find myself in a little of each of these areas. It’s similar to a circular cycle, but one that is evening out over time and becoming more and more balanced. I am still slightly in the disorientation stage. Even though this pattern has been going on in our relationship for over a decade, this is the first time that I have actively faced it and dealt with it. I have h to thank for that. Before he identified that he is a p/a I had no idea that resources like RN np-support, etc were out there. I had begun counseling on my own, but had no access to specialized help-and a HUGE help it has been. I do still internalize some, but not in an entirely unhealthy way. I have shared what’s going on with a healthy friend, but even with her the lack of comprehension of what p/a entails is somewhat crippling. Because of other life circumstances I am also in a position where having close contact is simply not possible. At times this has allowed me to be unhealthy in my introspection, shutting myself off from friends and family because the pain I am dealing with was simply overwhelming. In the beginning I was hyper vigilant and aware at all time, now it is only when I am in public with him. I no longer feel the need to “check up” on him. I have also restricted our time together in public, but (and this is important) not out of punishment but out of the true need to give each other space (healthy space) to work in a non-damaging way on ourselves (to limit the shrapnel as he works on himself so to speak). As I get stronger, regardless of his progress, I plan on easing this boundary. I am able to seek resources as a more objective path to health rather than the rabid “need” I had in the earlier stages. I also am starting to feel (more and more) that my happiness is dependant on my own choices and living by my own values, not dependant on anyone elses choices or values. This whole thing does get confusing at times though. For instance, setting up my own boundaries can impact others (I.e. not spending a lot of time in public to avoid trauma of “ogling” etc may appear to h as a punishment). Where do I draw the line of doing what is healthy for me (or do I even know what healthy is?) vs. doing what is “best” for the relationship? It FEELS right (healthy, balanced, calm) but I am still having a hard time trusting my choices.

B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

One pattern will be the questioning of myself. How I’ve dealt with it so far is to carry around a copy of my values. If I have trouble I go through my value list asking if the decision goes along with, or contradicts, my value system.
Another pattern will be experiencing residual trauma and potentially being set back into one of the less healthy stages of recovery. I am facing this through stepping back and attempting to look at the situation through an objective eye. Is this a current concern? Is this something that is impacting me now? If this is a current situation, how can I react to it in a way that upholds my values and helps me to trust myself? And, in cases, sometimes it seems to be best to just cut off the thought and move on.
Trusting/not trusting others will be a pattern that I’m afraid I may never escape. I have chosen many people to surround myself with that have been very harmful to my well being. I feel that I still have a broken “picker” for friends etc in that maybe I don’t pick up on cues that they are dishonest, harmful, etc. In working through recovery I hope to heal some of my old wounds to where my “picker” may recalibrate itself and I can feel safe in my choices. (I feel it’s important here to say that I don’t expect anyone to be perfect, just not to routinely do things that are unhealthy or harmful to me-to trample my boundaries).

Exercise Thirteen

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..

Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.

Disclaimer, many of these impacts have faded. I have been working very hard and seeing great gains in myself. I am listing everything I can think of that I have felt during this process as an impact, regardless of their validity on todays reality.

1. I no longer trust
5. I have isolated myself
1. I do not feel a belief in the inherit “goodness” in people any more
3. The stress has affected my sleep and health a great deal. My health has been taxed, I have aged a great deal not due to time, but due to stress. I have neglected taking care of myself in the guise of focusing on our relationship.
1. I no longer have the potential I once had
4. I feel anger and resentment towards attractive people
4. I feel anger and resentment towards the women that my h is attracted to
4. I am uncomfortable in social situations, more so if h is with me
4. I find myself hypersensitive to scenarios involving anyone, I am constantly questioning reactions, honesty, sexualization, etc
5. I am hypersensitive to the affect on my children
2. I no longer have the belief in my potential that I once had
1. I no longer feel that I can have a healthy relationship
1. I no longer have the hope that I can be in a healthy happy relationship
1. I do not feel trust towards men
1. I feel that men inherently lie and cheat
4. I do not feel the connection to a higher power that I once did
2. I am a bitter resentful person sometimes, something that I did not feel before
2. I have excluded myself from many opportunities financially. I have twisted my views on money to fit his
1. My values have suffered tremendously
1. I have cheapened myself to suit his view of me
3. I have wasted a great deal of my life, time, and energy on his wants and needs regardless of the effect on me.
3. I have wasted a tremendous amount of time checking on him, confronting him, and trying to reason with him
5. I have lost friends due to his interactions with them, either from my side or theirs
1. I can no longer comfortably go out in public, watch a tv show, read a book, watch a movie, etc with my husband without being hypersensitive to his reactions or potential reactions
1. I can no longer comfortably go out in public, watch a tv show, read a book, watch a movie, etc without my husband due to my feelings toward sexualization, attractive people, etc.
1. I have deprived my children of time and attention due to the time and attention I instead spent on his addiction
2. I am facing issues with my past and current reality that I had been avoiding, some of this is healthy and good to be dealing with, some of it is painful and unhealthy rehashing of old trauma.
4. do not feel confident in myself in the workplace or in my value in it. I have internalized a lot of the “not good enough” messages, that I am not young enough, attractive enough to give value to any situation.
1. I have traumatized my children with the potential separation and issues. I have affected their lives permanently by choosing a partner that has made choices that have so severely affected our lives.
4. I question every purchase I make
1. I evaluate every person I meet based on their potential to trigger my husband, their trustworthiness, and their superficial values (i.e. if they obviously have p-ish preoccupations with their appearance, I have a difficult time not judging them)

B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

I’m shocked at how many of these things I feel have had a huge impact (or potential impact) on my life. That being said, I feel that many of these things have been a springboard for me to examine my life, clean up old messes, and to move forward in a healthier way. Some of them will stick with me forever. Overall I feel traumatized, possibly permanently scarred-but no longer permanently wounded if that makes sense?

Absolutely!

no, unfortunately you cannot force him to change. Good that you have this understanding now, instead of wasting time trying to force change.

Excellent! Thank you for sharing your success! Great insight development and great work!

Re: Exercise 11--The first part of the lesson is about you to releasing pent up emotions in a healthy and safe place. If you feel you have already done so, then it is okay not to do it again... just don’t allow them to stay bottled up. Also consider that not being able to write the letter from him to you could indicate that you are not willing to let go of something at this point. That is okay too.

This in and of itself is huge! It is also good that you are able to see the positive from the negative, as this kind of balance will help promote your healing.

Very wise, and it is important that you are able to make this distinction.

I think that there are ways to be responsible around your boundaries so that the impacts are reduced. For example, with your first boundary of not going out in public--when that boundary is clearly communicated (i.e. you tell him that when he ogles other women, it violates your values of ____ and that to protect those values you choose to not go out in public with him). If he feels like it is a punishment, that is his responsibility and for him to work out, as you have clearly communicated that it is about protecting your values. Down the line, when he has done work on that area and is able to effectively navigate those scenes consistently without violating your values, and when you have done the work to feel comfortable to go out in public with him, then it will be a relationship promoting exercise to venture out together, unified in your commitment to support each other in practicing honoring those values as partners.

There are any number of reasons why a “picker” can be broken. One causal factor that speaks to me is being raised to be a “good girl”; to be nice to others, to treat others with respect, to do as you are told, to not speak out or back... these well intentioned values can actually backfire when taken to the extreme (which of course, is an interaction between the individual, and the socialization of the environment). That said, learning to live by your values, as you are, will help you to learn to trust yourself, which in turn enables you to discern when it to trust others, or not.

Good, because you can’t heal from what you don’t acknowledge as an impact.



Really good work, stillhere. Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Today's been rough. I had a discussion several days ago about my values with my h, specifically about honesty. This morning he approached me to discuss a dream he had. It really upset me. This surprised me since lately I've been doing a very good job of separating myself from the addiction, and seeing his willingness to be honest as a great thing and a way he is honoring what I need to feel safe in a relationship. So, as I sat in the bathroom sobbing I thought...why, why why is this bothering me? Nothing he said was new, it wasn't shocking, it wasn't troubling in itself-if anything it should be good that he is coming to me to talk about challenges... The answers came to me. One, the dream was about a place that is a family place. The trauma of having no "safe" family memories is still hurtful. More than that, he was relishing his description. This wasn't him coming to me and being honest, it was him finding a way to excuse going back to these scenarios. It was also troubling to see that his view is STILL so different than reality. (i.e. this scenario involved another couple focusing on each other, me feeling uncomfortable, and him being "creepy" for lack of a better word. He still sees it as a "s3xually tense" scenario-in a good way-not a negative way). It really hurt that we could have several good days, progress made, then this. What I felt like was a callous disregard of my feelings couched in his "recovery". Ugh. I still have issues mourning the past and what it could have been.

Couch Mel, thanks once again for your feedback. It's great to have some positive validation on the process I'm going through!

[/quote] There are any number of reasons why a “picker” can be broken. One causal factor that speaks to me is being raised to be a “good girl”; to be nice to others, to treat others with respect, to do as you are told, to not speak out or back... these well intentioned values can actually backfire when taken to the extreme (which of course, is an interaction between the individual, and the socialization of the environment). That said, learning to live by your values, as you are, will help you to learn to trust yourself, which in turn enables you to discern when it to trust others, or not.


Absolutely Coach Mel, I have no doubt that this scenario factors a lot into my views on the world. I was the product of a "broken" marriage with a step mom who flat out said that it was all my fault (yup, to a 5 year old). I spent a large part of my life vacillating between rebellion and being a "good" girl.
I feel like I am finally getting to know myself .

Things are rough here, really really rough still. H is still lying, with-holding, etc. but of course he swears he isn't. We came on a family trip today. One of my boundaries was no "looking" in front of me (why I have had the boundary of not going out in public with him, and what is a vacation? a big old mess of going out in public). Of course, what did that do? Tore me to pieces, especially seeing the furtive "looking". It's completely made me realize how much of this he's trying to do for me. That should make me feel better on some level, but it doesn't at all. It just means he wont stay "dry", he's not recovering for himself. Which also explains why his recovery takes a backseat to EVERYTHING else. So, I had it. We were sitting on a public bus, surrounded by people and I wrote him a note saying " I give up, and-I'm done". I meant it at the time, I am so heartbroken by this. I am so hurt and frustrated. As much progress as I've made, I am NOT at the point where I feel I can completely separate from his "recovery". And what does he do? Accepts it. At one point I should have thought this was healthy, him accepting what I've said. But I don't any more. He completely gave up and spent the night watching anything around him that could give him a fix. I don't even think it was on purpose. I just think he was relieved to not have to pretend anymore.
So, I went from made and frustrated and hurt to...maybe acceptance. He has never been who I thought he was, and has never had enough desire to get to the place he needed to be for me to be in a healthy relationship with him. I think someday he'll get healthy, maybe, at least a version of healthy for him. By the point he actually realizes everything he's thrown away, I will have moved on.

If life could be exactly as we need it to be, things would be so much easier . The family vacation was a disaster. I felt myself slipping into the old habits of knowing what triggers him, then compulsively watching as he was triggered. This was exacerbated by a situation at a restaurant where the "girls" (young, 18-ish) knew he was checking them out, knew his family was there, excused it by calling me a pig (they didn't know I could hear them) and then making fun of him. It was so humiliating, degrading, hurtful. I can't help feeling that to society I have lost all redeeming value, since I'm not their idea of pretty. Part of this comes from me basing my worth for YEARS on the fact that I was the idea of pretty-and it was the only way I knew how to find approval. To top it off he didn't work on recovery at all on the trip. I think it would have been easier for me if I could rationalize that he was at least working on things.. yes, my issue there. I should be strong enough to not let that affect me.
I'm really, really confused right now. I know he doesn't enjoy his behavior and that he really wants to change. But will that change happen? Will he actually make the decisions he needs to to get there and to stop violating my values and my sense of self?
I've been going through all the first lessons. I don't feel that I'm at the place (health wise) where I have "gotten it" to continue. My plan is to spend tomorrow reviewing and posting questions. Focusing on my health needs definitely helps me to feel that I'm being proactive to address what I need to and to continue on my path.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this.
My h and I had a good talk last night. An in depth honest talk. He left it with that he was worried that even with recovery he wouldnt be happy in our relationship. I honestly had thought this was "the beast"talking. But I had a rough night trying to tell all my inner "not good enough" voices to be quiet. I woke up distraught and later in the day carefully crafted an email basically saying that if he can't commit to me, I need to know. Once again, I worked so hard at keeping those voices quiet. Staying grounded and healthy he comes home with such a tender look on his face, he's sweet, sensitive, we go on a walk and I think " wow, I have my husband back, the man i fell in love with, THIS is where he wakes up from this awful nightmare and says "you, YOU are the one. I love you and I'm in" Instead it was another nightmare come true. He's not sure imthe one for him and that this marriage is what he wants. So, he is canceling the contract on our new home and trying to schedule a counseling appt to figure out the best way to tell the kids we are divorcing.
Now the voice won't be quiet. The person that knew me best The one who pledged that he loved me and would always be there. The one that I've stood by through so much because of what I saw in him. He can't won't doesn't see it in me. I'm not worth fighting for, and not worth staying for. He thinks there's something better out there for him. And now all this shit has been for nothing. All of my vulnerability and faith in him, me, us-it was just crap.

Well, hmmm. Things are drastically different again. The morning after my last post h talked with me. He decided that it was the addictive part of his thinking saying that he couldnt do it that prompted his actions the night before. Does this make it ok? No, it really shook me up. That being said, we are continuing to try. So, now back to focusing on my healing. One good lesson to come out of that episode for me is that my healthy thinking and work still has a long road before it becomes integrated into my functional perception of myself.

I’ve been stuck. After the last bout of “crazy” that went on I retreated into myself and have been focused on just being stable. I realized that doing my lessons would help, even if I don’t entirely “get” everything. (basically I felt like the last bout of crazy was some sort of failure on my part to be healthy. Not that I caused the situation, but the tailspin I allowed to happen to my own emotions as it was going on. I’m trying to be a bit kinder to myself now, acknowledge that it was out of the blue and very challenging to deal with and move on)

Exercise Fourteen

To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.

*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.

I will spend no more than 3 hours a day on these actions. This will include our “check-in’s” and my mental preparation/processing. (Wow, this is realistic, but geesh-what a time commitment. I think I will be working on minimizing this by being aware of other potentially more beneficial ways my time could be spent.) My role will primarily be in working on healthy communication between the two of us, going over potentially problematic scenarios and developing plans that will assist BOTH of us in dealing with them, going over situations that were difficult for either of us and talking through them.

Ok, the above answer was written a few weeks ago. I’ve progressed some since then but wanted to leave it as a way for me to gauge where I have been in relation to my own progress….. I am down to about 1 ½ hours per day. This is a temporary scenario since we are in a unique situation right now. Over the course of the next week I will ask my husband to develop a plan for our move that will include finding a new counselor and check in partner. I am willing (and able) to support his recovery until then, but at that point I plan on only doing about 30 minutes a day on “check in” type behavior and spend the rest of my valuable time on doing things that support and nurture myself.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?

Less than one hour per week. I have been handling my mistrust issues primarily through learning to trust myself more. I don’t “need” proof. If I feel uncomfortable, it is a valid way to feel. If I feel that there are things to “check up on” that directly affect me (rather than just being his behavioral issues) I will limit the checking to just these things. This time has decreased dramatically from what it was even a few months ago. I trust him more in some things, but more importantly I trust myself. I’m realizing that actions (as in acting out) matter less to me then how he behaves towards me and our family and if it is congruent with my values.

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?

Very few. Part of the discussion we had the other day related to the fact that I am no longer willing to sacrifice my personal values in order to facilitate his needs (healthy or unhealthy). I am willing to let him have some lee-way on participation in fun activities, this is a learning process he is going through. Besides, frankly, I am learning that he doesn’t need to participate for it to be ok for the rest of the family, as long as he doesn’t directly inhibit it I’m ok. None of the rest am I comfortable with. Honesty, kindness, and compassion are something that I see as non-negotiable with the caveat that if he lies, but corrects himself-or if he says something unkind, but is willing to re-evaluate it, I am currently ok as it may be a process for him as well. I am protecting these values by first-giving them a proper place and emphasis in my life. I have my list with me and reflect back on it frequently. Secondly, I am addressing value infringements when appropriate and ignoring when appropriate. I don’t need his permission (overt or implied) to get on with my life.

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

This is the tough one. I am no longer willing to accept much. While his recovery has just begun, I have been dealing with the ramifications of his actions and addiction for over a decade. If he lies, end game. If he “looks” (THAT type of look) without catching himself, redirecting, and bringing it up at check in as a problem, end game. If he has overtly selfish behavior without the desire to re-evaluate and change, end game. I am willing to deal with “I don’t feel I can talk about that right now” or “I don’t feel that I can share that right now”. I am willing to deal with situations that may arise as long as he is handling them in healthy proactive ways. I am willing to deal with a forwardly progressing recovery, and all the difficulty that can entail (time commitments, emotional instability, etc). I am not willing to deal with a partner that is not actively and engaged working on recovery. If, by using subjective evaluation, I feel that his recovery is superficial or non-existent I will evaluate my options and move in a direction that will protect and promote a healthy life for me.

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?

I’m at a place where I am working hard on being ready to accept genuine change and build a positive future together. If he doesn’t actively pursue recovery, so be it. There is nothing I can do to motivate him. I have done a pretty good job, but continue to work on, being able to give observations without a negative context. This has gone fairly well, and he is open to listening, even when sometimes my attempts are a little clumsy. When this happens I try to stop, take a step back, and rephrase what I am saying in a matter that is not punitive. Sometimes by analogy, sometimes by talking in very basic terms. I am also actively working on giving positive feedback. I am not where I want to be on this. I continue to let negative emotions I am dealing with impact my ability to recognize genuine attempts and progress on his part.

*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?

I am developing a lot of clarity in my needs and feel comfortable communicating them. No longer do I feel that I, or my h, see my needs as a threatening/bargaining chip. He understands that if I do not feel “safe” emotionally in a relationship, I will not stay. This is not a threat, but a statement of what I need and value in life. Convexly, rewards aren’t an issue either. He will, or won’t, find rewards in his own way through his own recovery. I offer my love and support regardless of his “good” behavior. Now, all of that is not ignoring the fact that I still find it difficult to state my needs, not see a response, and not try to motivate him to meet those needs. Being aware of this I am attempting to find my own patterns and shift my way of thinking/dealing with them.

*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?

I see us developing a healthy pattern of activity and interaction by identifying unhealthy patterns we have used and adjusting them to achieve our healthier goals. We have already planned on using couples counseling (something we are in right now, but is sporadic). I have begun re-evaluating actions of my h from the standpoint of assuming a neutral perception instead of basing my perception on past actions. I need to continue this and start trusting him more with my needs so that he is given a chance to build trust and partnership with me. I need him to continue being vulnerable, honest, and to follow through on commitments so that I can see my trust is valid and that we are working as a partnership.

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication.

We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals: do more “active” listening and follow up with “what I am hearing is..” statements to verify we are hearing things the way they are being intended and to clear up miscommunications instead of letting them go on. Trust, or lack of, is another obstacle. I’m working on this one…

*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.

Sticking with my RN work, discussing my issues with trusted friends, not giving up all activity when a crisis happens (as we faced yesterday), re visiting my value list, giving myself time (and forgiveness) when I struggle.

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
Follow through on what he’s set out to do, patience, genuine attempts at understanding and communicating, behavior that supports what he says his values and goals are.

*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
I’m not sure how unique they are, most signs seem to happen pretty frequently across the board. Withdrawn behavior, stress and lack of willingness or ability to discuss it, hyperactivity (there seem to be polar behaviors-either a withdrawn depressed behavior, probably prior to acting out, then a hyper behavior after), are some of them. Selectively following through with activities or behaviors he has committed to. Being easily frustrated. Not making talking with me a priority. And of course actually acting out by either scanning, MB, P’ing, or allowing any middle circle behavior….. That’s what I can pinpoint at this juncture. Interestingly enough he had a “minor” slip he evening before last, and I didn’t see any of the signs. He followed it up with lying and I wouldn’t have known any better if I hadn’t checked up on a “gut” feeling. None of his past markers were there. That pretty much scared the s*%# our of me. I was beginning to trust myself more, and beginning to trust him more… we may not be back at square one, but it has made me realize that I need to be aware that he is able and willing to make choices that violate my boundaries at this juncture and that I may not be willing to support him, or be with him, if he continues to violate what I need to feel safe and loved in a relationship.

These are just some of the questions that you will want to consider and prepare yourself for. There are potentially many others. List anything additional that you feel is important in preparing yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months.

I'm facing the fact that as much as I love my husband, I can not be in a place where I feel continuously neglected, taken for granted, or disregarded. We are trying to repair after his slip. I am hopefull in that he is looking at stepping up his recovery efforts even further (and has been working diligently). I am in a stage where I have told myself and him that regardless of hope I am hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. After our move I will be going back to work and establishing an individual bank account. I will continue to work on developing my support system and working on my health. If I am put in a position of leaving, I will be prepared to do so. If we continue down a path of health I feel these steps will reassure me that it is out of choice that I am staying and will give me strength to progress.

I had been working on Exercise 14 for a while, and 15 slightly congruently.... they are being posted at the same time but have been worked on separately for weeks.

Exercise Fifteen
A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

People I have turned to in some capacity:
Mom: she is beneficial in that I know that I have her support in her ability to give it. She is not a healthy person herself, so this can cause stress in my life and limits my willingness to confide in her or listen to her reactions. She knows only limited things, and would not be someone I would expect to confide in.

A: she is well grounded and one of the healthier people I know. I have been able to confide in her what is going on. Her understanding of addiction is pretty good, but I’m not sure she understands this as an addiction. Regardless, she is completely supportive of me first, my kids second, and our family (and h) third. Her support has given me a lot of clarity and strength, there hasn’t really been a downside.

Counselor: she has been very helpful. She provides an objective viewpoint and sounding board. She isn’t very knowledgeable about p/a, so this has been frustrating.

Myself…seriously. I’m counting myself although technically it’s not an outside support. I am re-learning how to depend on myself and communicate with myself in a way that is healthy, stable, and enriching.

Currently that’s about it. I have a lot of friends, but most of them are tied to my h’s job in one way or another and I do not feel comfortable discussing this with them. They do provide me support, fun, and stability –so I also count them as support (although limited). I have K, L, K, etc. We are moving soon and I will be in a much less isolating environment. Making friends independent of my h’s work is a top priority for me.

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.
*RN
*Npsupport
*Books (I’m currently reading “don’t call it love”)
*Pets-they give me a lot of joy!
*volunteering. It gives me a sense of perspective and a way to get out of my own head for a while. I’m not sure if it overtly supports me, but I see it as a support.

That’s it for now….

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

I’ve helped several friends through difficult times. I have tried to be caring, but objective. I believe in stating my true opinion (when asked for it), and this ended up being an issue at times when it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. For me it worked out all right, the person I’m referring to was fairly unhealthy and ended up pulling away from me in favor of a friend whose outlook was more similar. It was disheartening, but I understood the dynamics of it. There isn’t anything I would have done differently. I acted by my values and in a way that I felt was being a good friend to her. The main way I can use this is to listen to my friends who support me, take what they say in the way it is intended, and realize that sometimes they are going to say things I may not want to hear …and that it’s ok.

Exercise Sixteen
A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.
1. I value being an honest person in words and actions
2. I value being a kind person, compassionate and empathetic
3. I value being a good mother and practicing life skills that will lead my children to live happy healthy lives
4. I value taking care of myself emotionally.
5. I value taking care of myself physically.
6. I value being reliable and doing what I say I will do. This, for me, goes hand in hand with value 1.
7. I value being a calm, happy, fun person.
8. I value being a good friend. Doing this, by my definition, means being there for my friends, truly listening and participating with them, but not sacrificing myself to maintain their friendship.
9. I value being myself, rainbows, warts or whatever that translates to.
10. I value being adventurous...consistently growing and pushing my boundaries to enrich my life.
11. I value living my life by MY values, regardless of what those around me hold as their values. I am secure and strong enough in myself that I can live my life this way while still keeping an open mind.

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

All of these things list out who I was and who I still am on some level, and, most importantly, who I will be again. I have kept the original values list and, when I use it, the guidance it has given me to live my life in a way that I am comfortable with has been invaluable. Reflecting on this, and the original list, often, filtering decisions and even thought patterns through my values, and basing actions on what my values are will help me through this crisis and help me firm up a foundation that has become weak and rotted.

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical--with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.

They are almost identical, some of the wording is different. I may even start a daily ritual of re copying this list. Just the act of re-writing it, thinking about it, and placing it on "paper" reaffirmed it in a way that simply reading it does not.

Another post that's not on my healing plan... H and I had an appointment with our marriage counselor yesterday. After his a/o and subsequent lying last week we have had several situations that have not been handled well and I feel my boundaries are getting trampled. Due to a temporary and isolating scenario I have been h's check-in partner. Part of our therapy session yesterday was the therapist saying that we can't continue that scenario. So, by next session she wants us to each have our own check in partners to be able to use as support. I'm not sure who to turn to, I'm investigating a couple of options.
I feel very distant from my h. Repeatedly he has shown me that he is unable/unwilling to respect my boundaries. I think he is trying. I think he is making progress. What I don't know is if I can continue to wait for him. In his eyes he has been dealing with this issue for less than a year (when he decided to go p free, then progressively m free, and is now working on the fantasy aspect with slips back to other behavior). In my eyes I have been dealing with this for the entirety of our relationship, over a decade now. I realize that it is unrealistic to expect an addict to never slip, but when those slips affect what I need to feel safe in a relationship does it mean I just need to move on? And without talking about the elephant in the room, and while I am so hurt/angry and feel so distant to him-what on earth can we talk about?

I'm not sure what I need to do, only that what I'm doing is not working. I've always thought of myself as mature. I've been able, for a very long time, to separate from my feelings, to think about things objectively and serenely. I'm not that person anymore.
I'm not sure if it's reaction to the life I've been living, and the choices I've made to continue living with a person that I can't trust. Maybe it's inner issues and weakness, unresolved issues of my own, now peeking out because of stress or because his behavior pushes those buttons-probes the pain that I thought I'd dealt with. Undoubtably some of it is from my current inability to see forgiveness in myself. I try to remind myself that forgiveness isn't saying that things that were done were ok or accepted, just that I'm accepting that I can't change the past and choosing to move past it. Maybe it's because I see that things are changing, but that my h is still hiding behind his actions. Rather than accepting that and moving on, I'm stuck hoping that things will get better. Hoping that the last decade, or so, of my life hasn't been one huge mistake and that something positive will come out of it.
I'm going to trust the process, start over with my lessons. I abandoned them at a point where I couldn't seem to get out of the circle of "yes, I'm doing this, but nothing is changing" and focusing on the fact that me changing is all I can do. That I need to accept that I'm not the person I thought I was, and that's ok. I need to define who I am, work on who I want to be. One way or another I want to get past this.