Recovery Nation

Did all the usual RN related activities and no acting out but my goals and values of having meaningful discussions with my wife went awry. Not to say we didn't have meaningful, deep and painful discussions but the results were more pain and misunderstanding. I'm confused about where I'm headed, frustrated with the loss of compulsive behaviors and unable to communicate with my wife. We ended the day in more pain and nothing resolved. I lost control and became angry with her which she doesn't deserve. In the past I would probably have just disappeared and acted out but I've been trying to stay in life and not use my compulsive behaviors to hide from the pain and conflict that I cause. It's just that I don't seem to find the appropriate way to express myself so the result on our relationship is the same as before I started RN and working toward health.

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa

Hmm yes, good days and bad days for sure.

Did you have anything else going on yesterday - tired, hungry, problems with work, finance, children? I supposed I could ask: how were the things you value? Also do you think anything was bothering your partner? At the moment, I find that the emotional weather in my life is extremely affected by other men's behaviour - for example my brother in law being caught having an affair, our neighbour being forced into an abortion by her boyfriend who then left her for another woman. This reinforces the idea that all men are <insert expletive here> and I feel like I need to batten down the hatches.

If you're "staying with it", rather than doing a disappearing trick then your relationship is not the same as before you started. You're trying, you're present to it. It's progress. You maybe just feel a bit stuck (and this comes up even as late as lesson 68) in that you've removed these unhealthy emotional managment techniques you've been relying on, with the result that...you no longer have any emotional management techniques!

Would asking yourself a few questions before you start a discussion help you make sure you're grounded?

• How am I feeling?
• What am I trying to get out of this discussion?
• How do I think my partner is feeling?
• How is he/she likely going to react to this discussion?
• How am I physically - feet firm on the floor, sitting comfortably, nothing else going on?

With that last question I'm thinking - for example - that my conversations often take a turn for the worst if I'm trying to do something else at the same time, deal with the kids, drive, cook, whatever. I need my full attention for this business.

And then when you're actually in the discussion, check yourself out from time to time. How are you feeling now?
Maybe say something like "I'm feeling X, because Y" which might help both you and your partner navigate through the feelings that are coming up - before they start to get out of control and things get said that aren't helpful - ie getting away from "What am I trying to get out of this discussion?".

There's a lesson in the Partner's Workshop (supplemental) that I was reading with Sunshine the other day - I was thinking of suggesting to the Coaches that it moves to the Couple's Workshop because it could be helpful to both of you: Traffic Lights: A Communication Tool

Well, hope you find something in that that's useful.

Good luck,
Guided.

Guided,

Thank you for taking the time to provide so many good insights for me to ponder. After reading your comments, I realize that we had talked too long and were under stress and a bit exhausted from our discussions. Instead of taking a break and beginning again the next day, I pursued another touchy area and ended up losing control, blowing up and making things worse. I'm anxious to pursue the lessons and efforts towards health and sometimes have to think about slowing down and pursuing other good activities and not be so focused. I guess it's part of my personality to be focused and I have to be aware of this trait and not become obsessive with any one activity, even if it's pursuing a better life.

Thanks again,
skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa

Guided has some great comments there.

What I would add is that sometimes we want to rush recovery. I have seen over and over again with men is that they are making all kinds of progress and life altering changes yet their partners feel left out, left behind, and are still dealing with the mess. I have had my wife even say that she felt a bit jealous of my recovery because the changes are not just about sex but outlook, emotions, intimacy, etc. You have to give it time and ease off (I think you already know this from your comments). To repair the relationship will take years. She has to not only hear and know but feel and you can't push the feeling part.

One day at a time!

HoneyCat



Thanks for taking time to comment, I appreciate it. My wife and I are dealing with my addictive behavior in different ways. I am very conflicted with my sexuality and am having trouble envisioning how I'll reintegrate sex back into my life. I've used sex for selfish and immature ways for so long that the ingrained patterns are very strong. I'm currently controlling my urges/responses and shifting my focus to healthy activities but at the same time I"m uneasy with sex and intimacy and avoiding them completely until my body and mind settle down into an unknown state. I know this is good for me in an intellectual way but it doesn't reassure either of us as to where I'm headed sexually in the future. I've never experienced a relationship without my compulsive behaviors so I guess I'm in the process of creating a vacuum in myself and it will be some time before I'm able to fill it with more mature and healthy responses, especially since it was sex that I was using as a crutch.

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa

I might just add that improving your emotional awareness can also help in situations like that. Maybe focus on becoming more aware of how your feeling over the next few days. And especially monitor yourself when speaking to your wife. If you can identify when you're feeling stressed/tired/frustrated then you can back out of bad decisions and save some of those discussions for a better time.

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate the time and effort that you take to help. I've learned to pace the discussions with my wife and not to continue if I'm emotionally exhausted or distressed. Or at least to communicate that fact and let her know that we should take a break and start again later.

skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa