Recovery Nation

Posted 5/9/12 - How do I deal with duality of psyche.

Over the last couple of years, and more so over the last couple of months, I have started to recognize that my S.A. habits were actually choices and actions I made and had total control over. However, I am still having difficulty in accepting that those choices totally nullified the values of integrity, dependability, loving husband and good father, which I believed I cherished and lived by, throughout the last 25 years.

Each time that I sit with my wife and she clearly spells out all the facts that logically support the impossible nature of both having those positive values and making the choice to use porn and to hide it, I nudge closer to accepting the reality that my values were a mask and my thoughts are fraught with faulty logic. She paints a stark picture of contrast between the guy who chose the ultimate uncaring and disrespectful act of seeking out and masturbating to other woman’s bodies, yet projected himself to be the good husband who was modest and devoted to his wife and family.

A big issues I am having is that as I accept the fact that I was, and in some ways still am, leading a double life, I have not succeeded in overcoming the inner conflict that causes. It lowers my self esteem and I diminish my self-respect -- I know this is a choice and something I should have control over, just haven’t gotten there yet. This lowered self esteem results in more hurtful acts. In the last 2 years, I have repeatedly shifted the blame for my choices back onto K and make her into the bad guy. When she points out things I do or say that are not in line with the values I now purport to be redeveloping, I have chosen to feel, and say, that she is trying to control me (that conversation does not go well).

At first, I did not see or acknowledge that I was exhibiting these behaviors. Now after K has provided many examples of how I do that and clearly defined the impacts my behavior has had on her and on our relationship, I know that those actions and behaviors are really there. The issue is that I see this after I have gone down that path, not during the act, or even better yet before the act.

In my times of trouble, I refer back to the words of advice that Coach Boundless gave to me back in February (Thank you CB):

.

I stopped my SA acts over 4 years ago. Yet the underlying faults are still there and are wreaking havoc in my life and in the life of my wife, who has stuck by me throughout this period. For the last 2 years I feel that I have been in a cycle where I start to think I am getting “it”. That I see my faults clearly and know that imbedding values into my being will take me to the next step, and then I relapse into defensive and blame shifting thoughts and actions. As my wife says, “Flick flick, the light comes on and then the filament burns out.”

Over the past couple of days, the insight I have gotten that my lowered self esteem is a core driver in my behavior and choices, has given me a renewed burst of energy to really embedded my values. Now what I need to do is focus on personal values, personal boundaries, and to dig further to identify the root cause of the “lowered self esteem” and “control issues”. I am thinking that I will prioritize putting values into place over getting to the root of those 2 psychological issues. I hear the little voice in my head saying that I should be able to do both at the same time (that voice kinda sounds like K’s); however, I know that if I do not make priorities, I will begin to thrash and accomplish nothing concrete.

So now I will go back to implanting my action plans to embed my values and examine my daily monitoring list.

I just needed to get some of these thoughts in writing and wanted to put them out there for feedback. Any additional advice that can be given on how to go about really accepting and acknowledging that I have a fractured value system and personality, without breaking myself even further, will be gratefully accepted (I’ll do my best to overcome defensiveness ).

InFlight

Hi Inflight,
I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this endeavor, your experience sounds very familiar as I'm going through similar struggles within myself to delve into why I've developed compulsive behaviors. I'm on Lesson 39 which is about Developing Healthy Sexual Boundaries which seem be at the core to my unhealthy behaviors. I've used masturbation and more recently porn to escape from dealing with my emotions since I was an adolescent. I also thought I was upstanding person, with both my family and community. I thought I was above addictive behaviors because I didn't do any of the normal things like drugs, alcohol, smoking or serial womanizing. I only masturbated which is a normal activity for men, so I was able to rationalize to myself that I was dong nothing wrong and if my wife occasionally caught me in the act it was her problem for sneaking up on me or not giving me any privacy. I've now realized that I had converted a "normal" activity into a compulsive behavior that was escalating to use up ever more of my energy, time and talent. When I first started RN I was doing it for my wife, she was so fed up with my behaviors that she was going to make her life more comfortable, either with or without me. I started to the lessons in false way, just as I had keep my compulsive masturbation separated from my external life, I was doing RN externally. Since I was doing nothing wrong, RN wouldn't hurt or change me but would make my wife feel better. However, after starting the lessons, I began realizing internally that I had fundamental things amiss and I decided to really open myself to the lessons and do them for myself. I have hardly missed a day without doing a lesson since. I'm still conflicted and frustrated with myself since I don't have all the answers but I do know I have compulsive habits and am committed to change myself for the better through my own decisions and choices. I also deal with low self esteem and doubts about myself that need further work and by uncovering the reasons for those doubts and fears I have a feeling that my emotion maturity will evolve for the better. Sorry to be so long but it helps to know that I'm not alone and the only one to have dealt with my emotions by developing a dual life.

Best of luck on your efforts and studies and hoping that we all develop healthier ways of dealing with our lives,
skrelon

_________________
"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa

Hi inflight,

First of all, remember...there is no duality of psyche in reality. The "dual identity" that we feel like we have is really only within our distorted internal perceptions. Imagine if there was an third party observer who was watching our actions at all times from the outside...we would still just be one person doing everything. So rather than thinking that all the patterns are part of a dual identity, start to think of them as just part of you...and you will have both healthy and unhealthy patterns. This will help you take responsibility for both. Reinforce the healthy ones, and identify and change the unhealthy ones. This does take conscious effort and an honest look at your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.



This really comes down to emotional immaturity and changing the way you make decisions. Your values, and the person who you truly are, has always been there underneath. But you developed underlying beliefs and patterns of negative thinking that cause enough negative emotions that you developed compulsive rituals to cope and deal with them. When those negative thoughts and emotions bubble up, you go seeking the ways that you've always managed them. So while your values are there, they provide little true meaning until someone has actively worked to strengthen them. Immediate emotional gratification will always trump the values you hold, at least while you remain in that mindset.

So your values aren't really a mask...they did and do exist. But because of emotional immaturity, they just don't yet provide you with the emotional stimulation and meaning where you choose them over compulsive behaviour (or defensiveness, blame-shifting, etc.) The reason you projected them (or continue to project them) is because that's how you wanted to be perceived by the world, even when you didn't know how to really live those values or take meaning from them. Your compulsive rituals provide your intense emotional stimulation, and the values-based projection provides you with the comfort of the "normal" side of your life.



There is no more important question to ask yourself than the one here: why have you not succeeded? If you know it's a choice, yet you "haven't gotten there yet", what exactly are you waiting for? To me, this sounds like a part of you is holding onto the addiction. You have not yet committed 100%. While you may have stopped your acts long ago, it sounds like the foundation to return to those acts remains. This doesn't mean all is lost of course, just that you will have to get honest with yourself about where you are and where you're going. No one else can make you accept this and commit to ridding the patterns that drive your addiction permanently.



The cycle here, again, stems from further struggling with your emotions. You feel like you're getting it, get an emotional surge...then run into one of your faults, almost like a roadblock, and turn around because of the negative emotions. But those negative emotions must go somewhere, so they come out in your defensive ego-protective behaviours. It is difficult and very uncomfortable to face such faults. For me, I've found that when I touch on a deep-seated pattern of my own that brings up a bunch of uncomfortable anxiety, this also causes my urges to go through the roof, and this is also when I'm most likely to return to fantasy or consider MB/porn.

But I have found that really, if you just sit and stay with your emotions, mindfully, and don't run from them, they will lead you to the answer. For some of the deeper patterns, this has taken days of feeling slightly off, but I can usually feel like something is working itself out in my brain. And once I unwrap and understand what's leading to that pattern, all the emotions dissipate, along with the urges. One strange consequence of this is, not only do you realize that the compulsive behaviour that protected against that pattern no longer has any emotional power...you realize you knew the answer all along that was causing the value conflict, but you just weren't conscious of it. This then creates more emotional cohesion within you, and you feel freer to act from your values.



Work on both at the same time. Start acting from values, even when it doesn't feel emotionally comfortable to do so. This will take awareness and effort. I will call that the day-to-day practical side of recovery. Whereas identifying remaining obstacles (the majority of which are mental) is almost like the introspective side of recovery. Take time to think about these questions: why do YOU think you have low self-esteem? This will probably be the result of many different negative accumulated thought patterns, but try to look into your past and identify the major sources. Then, attack those sources one by one. Identify different patterns, look for relationships between patterns, and try to find the root cause. If it brings up uncomfortable emotions (which it will), either mentally allow yourself to stay with those emotions or if they get too intense, manage them with some values-based activity and return to those thoughts later. As well: why you think you have "control issues?" This probably stems from, again, a number of times dating back to when you were young where you felt out of control, so you sought to control your environment or the actions of others. Look for those times, then again, attack.

The takeaway point is that you attack these patterns as though you would attack cancer. You don't wait for them to come to you, then react to try to balance yourself. Rather, you go after them proactively and eliminate them before they result in any more damage to your life. Other than potentially the 100% commitment, this sounds like your other major issue: what you're doing currently is reactive, rather than proactive.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Inflight, well done for opening up so clearly there.

Something jumped out at me in your post:
So if there's havoc being wreaked, then that suggests to me that these underlying faults are having outward expression in your life. Which suggests you've got something concrete to deal with (daily monitoring!) - as long as you can come to believe that these are actually your faults and not something your wife is picking on because she wants to control you. It sounds like you're flipping a bit between those two views.

Could this be a case of black and white thinking? Either "I'm at fault" or "My wife is trying to control me". Would it help to see both things as being true at the same time? eg You have elements of your behaviour/thinking which aren't in harmony with your life, and at the same time, your wife would like you to evolve into someone who's life - top to bottom - is a little more consistent.

I know I sometimes have resistance to what I see as my wife trying to "make me change" and where I hope I'm getting to is: We both want me to change and I need to trust that the ways she's suggesting I change are ways that I should change. I need to allow her to help. And when she says "this isn't right", I need to not flip out and think she's saying I'm "bad" or that she doesn't love me as much. It's not the end of the world to have something that needs worked on. I tell myself.

Well as I see it, you didn't totally nullify your values, but neither did you live by them - at least not all of the time. It sounds like you just need to get your head around that - say it out loud.

I very much had the dual psyche thing going on, and in my case it was total compartmentalisation. When I was acting out, the fact that I had a wife and kids wouldn't enter my mind (just a passing cloud, quickly dismissed), and when I was with my wife and kids, all these things that I'd been doing didn't enter my mind either. Anything that didn't fit with my idea of who I was, or made me feel bad about myself...I just shut it out. I found the total disclosure exercise extremely difficult, calling these memories to mind and holding them there long enough to think about them. And when the whole list was written down in front of me...well it painted a very clear picture I hadn't seen before.

I've felt that I've made progress with "integration" recently, and where that's been evidenced is that I had a bit of a slip last week (which I'll be detailing in my thread next) and once I was out of it I made the decision to tell my wife about it, or perhaps I already knew I was going to and just became conscious of that knowing. Either way, I spent the next two days (she was away) feeling really low and guilty and anxious about my behaviour and the conversation that was coming up. And of course she was pretty upset to hear about it, but I felt good - silver lining style - that although I'd pushed a lot of my life to the back of my mind during my slip, I hadn't then compartmentalised my behaviour, it stayed with me. So next time, I hope to take that experience, and the knowing that I'll be telling someone out it, into my decision making process.

Would it help to detail these actions and behaviours (situations) in your recovery thread in a similar way to the analysis that you'll have done for acting out sexually? Perhaps in working through them you'll be better able to accept "yup that was me", and see the common elements so that next time you get into one of those situations you might see "ahh, this is one of those situations where I...."

Well, good luck
Guided

Posted 5/10/12 - My responses to the feedback received on my post “How do I deal with duality of psyche?”

Thanks to each of you. You provided excellent and diverse feedback. The following are insights that I will take away, ponder, and grow from.

skrelon,
The fact that you took the time to write shows me that you care. I will draw strength from knowing that I am not in this alone. There are others who have traveled, and are still stumbling along, a similar path. This Support from others in the same situation is something I see my wife participate in and draw strength from by interacting in the Partners Forum. Using the Recovery Forum is an asset that was always available to me but I did not regularly draw upon. It is a tool I can and will use more regularly going forward.

By normalizing the addictive behavior, I started down the path of creating faulty thinking which I then chose to lead me ever more compulsive and addictive behaviors . I started to convince myself that it was all right to do things that did not fit into my original value system. By focusing on my values and being aware of my choices I will learn that many of my choices and actions are not “normal” for a person of integrity and devotion to my wife.

By integrating the lessons and recovery exercises into my personal quest for self improvement, I take ownership of my recovery. I do not do this for my wife, although I know she will benefit from it, I do this for me.

Boundless,
Your insight into “duality” as faulty thinking and advice to accept all my patterns, healthy and unhealthy, as an integrated whole is a view I will work to accept and internalize. Being conscious and self-aware is a core value I am growing back into. I will make the effort to honestly look at my thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.

My emotional immaturity is a big factor driving my compulsive negative reaction to my wife’s feedback. By learning to focus on my values of self improvement and being a caring husband to my intelligent and insightful wife, I can move away from the negative emotional impulse reaction and towards meaningful conversation.



I believe what you are saying here is that to mature emotionally, I need to draw intense emotional stimulation from living my values. In that way I will integrate values across all my patterns and thoughts. Thus choosing to displace my compulsive behaviors (defensiveness, blame-shifting, etc.)



I am setting today’s intentions as:
1) Think about and understand the following:
a) Where am I and where I want to go?
b) Am I still holding onto the pattern of addictions? Why?
c) Why do I think I have low self-esteem? Look into my past and find the root causes.
d) Why do I think I have control issues?
2) Become proactive, rather than reactive, in attacking the negative patterns in order to prevent further decline in my emotional well being.
3) Define and Know my purpose. Commit myself to this purpose 100%. By doing this I will rebuild my self esteem and self respect.

I will print out this thread and read through it over the next couple of days. Your thoughts on learning to sit with my emotions and let them lead me to the answers I already know in my core, are deep. It will take me a while to absorb and understand this.

Guided,
You have a lot of good stuff in your feedback as well. I am running out to work, so I’ll need to come back to this later. However, a key concepts I will take away for immediate action are:
• Determine if I truly believe that I have faults that I have control over and can correct vs. I believe that my wife is picking on me and trying to control me. It has to be one or the other. Make a choice.
• It is possible for me to understand I have faults I can correct and simultaneously accept that my wife is trying to help me achieve my full potential. I can TRUST her and accept that I have faults to correct.



I like the suggestion to journal my “negative and defensive” thoughts and reactions in an exercise format similar to other SA compulsive rituals. I believe this is a good path to understanding.

Thanks to each of you for your time and consideration.

InFlight

Hi inflight,

You received good advice from skrelon and Guided, especially Guided's suggestion of writing out your negative thoughts. I found for me that whenever I got "stuck" where I couldn't figure out how to proceed in improving my thinking, or I could tell there was a cluster of thoughts that all meant something but couldn't find the pattern, I would try to write it out in my thread and this usually helped me push forward.

Just to clarify one thing I said:



Not quite -- perhaps I didn't articulate that well enough. Think of it this way...consider your emotions to be like the ocean. For most of us, the stress and anxiety we felt in our early lives, for whatever reason, was intense. Therefore, we learned to manage it with compulsive rituals that will provide equally intense counterbalancing emotions. This eventually leads to our way of emotional management in addiction...whenever we felt uncomfortable emotions at all, we went to our intense compulsive rituals to manage them immediately. In this way, the ocean is like during a storm. The waves rise much higher and fall much lower.

Now, in the process of recovery, you start learning to manage your emotions using values...but unlike the compulsive rituals, values-based emotions are never as intense as emotions gained from compulsive rituals. But, they are more long-lasting and powerful. However, when you're still in a compulsive mindset, your emotions still rise high, but now the counterbalance isn't as strong. So naturally, most see a rise in their emotions and emotional chaos in early-middle recovery.

Once you keep going through recovery, things start to balance out. Particularly, once you deal with some of these underlying perceptions and beliefs that are the true drivers of your addictive behaviours, your emotions are no longer as chaotic...your stress and anxiety no longer as high. You no longer feel the need for the intense emotions garnered from your compulsive rituals. You can achieve emotional satisfaction through values-based emotions, which are not as intense, but ultimately more satisfying. Your stress, similarly, will seem more manageable. The reason I use the ocean/water metaphor here with waves is to make you think: the amount of water (ie. emotions) remains the same. But when you are in a compulsive mindset, the waves are much more chaotic...they go lower, therefore you need a higher more intense stimulus to balance them out (this also creates much of the all-or-nothing perception that is common).

But, the takeaway point here is: values-based emotions will never be as intense as compulsive-based emotions. But that's not the point. The point is that you want to achieve stability and balance, not constant intensity. You want to manage your emotions from a foundation of different values, rather than a couple of major compulsive rituals. And you'll also see, as you shift to a healthier mindset, that this is a good thing...as those tumultuous compulsive-based emotions added a lot to your stress as well and that really, when you're healthy, many people don't want such intense emotions (there are obviously exceptions...adrenaline junkies, etc....but even that would be different than people in a compulsive mindset). Rather, they want to stay generally happy while managing stress.

Hope that clarifies.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

You have gotten so really great feedback. I am always amazed at the time and consideration the members and coaches take in providing feed back to us all. Thank you guys!!!

Many of us in recovery have had the issue of living these false lives. I, for one, created this very moral, ethical, outstanding citizen and I bought into this artificial construct to such an extent that even though I was MB and viewing and storing some of the most vile porn, I was so so judgmental of other peoples faults and limitations. I mean I was lying and cheating and I was looking down to people who where not as moral as I was. When I look back at myself, just over three years ago, it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of it all.

My point is that when I first starting making my values list at RN, I was putting values on my list that I though looked good there because they were the values of this perfect person that I was projecting. I really had to stop and think hard about each value and what they meant and how I really felt emotionally when living them. I have to picture me, the true broken (but healing), smelly me living those values, not some fantasy me with perfect teeth and morals.

Some of those values on my list did not make the final cut and that is OK. My value list is a living list just like my vision is an ever evolving vision of my future. I am not the same person when I first created my list and vision and I will not be the same person three years from now.

Practical advice:
Take another hard, honest, look at your values list. Keep them simple and shy away from vague proclamations that look good to others. Be specific. Then be that person who resembles that list. Monitor your compliance to your values and don't make excuses when you are not living up to those values (does not mean you need to be hard on yourself, just be honest with yourself). Stop trying to look good. If you are broken then look broken and be honest about your brokenness and face the consequences of it. Sometimes we use the "I don't know who I am" excuse as well. If your lost for a while, then screw it, be that person of the value list for a while and see how it fits.

Good luck and God's speed.

Boundless,
I understand your correction to be that the intensity of emotion dissipates and is replaced with the longer lasting and sustaining emotional steadiness of true personal values. That sounds like “Balance in my Life”, which is one of the values I have on my list and a state I really do want to achieve. I get it, now just need to do the work to get there.

HoneyCat,
I am often adding to my list of “idealized” values, but rarely removing. I will take an honest look at my list to find the vague and unsustainable items that can either be firmed up or removed. To be honest with others, I must first be honest with myself.

I am taking a short road trip and will be away from my computer. So I have printed off this thread and my list of values; Tucked them into my writing journal; I will take some time in my travels to reread, reflect on, and act upon much of the advice that was given in this thread.

Thanks to each of you. Onward, Forward & Upward.

InFlight