Recovery Nation

Hi everyone,

First of all let me say how grateful I am to benefit from this great resource. I've browsed the forum (partners section) and I am amazed to see how articulate most women are here. Smart and sensitive people... my heart goes out to each and everyone of you.

I feel I'm in need of reassurance as well.

My heart is broken and even if I'm doing the best I can, sometimes it seems it's not enough. Unfortunately I'm very disabled (I suffer from a bad case of ME : I am bedridden and in musculo-skeletal pain day in and day out, among other debilitating neurological symptoms) and this makes it all a bit harder.

I feel very lonely as well : because of the disease, I've lost a huge part of my support system over the years. I only have one friend left (but he's a great friend, and I've learnt to value quality over quantity) ; I had the chance to share a lot with him after Dday n°1 (October 2011), and he helped me a lot, while being non judgemental (of me or of my SO), but I don't want to burden him too much with all of this anymore...

Also, my SO used to be of great help (practical and emotional support throughout my illness) and since Dday n°1 he's been behaving very erratically and so I've lost my n°1 emotional support (regarding my health related issues).
I'm sorry I'm whining so much, I wish I had the strength to take it all in.

I guess the straw that broke my back was the loss of my therapist. I had a therapist (a shrink) and I had phone sessions (I can't go out) with him quite often after Dday n°1 to address the specific issues I had stumbled into (my SO's acting out).

Unfortunately, the therapist betrayed me very badly. Last February (2012) he put up on his website a detailed article of my story including all the intimate childhood issues I had shared with him ; and all the details of my issues with my SA. He proceeded in an in-depth analysis of "my case" (15 pages) and even though my name wasn't there, there were elements (name of the street I live in, occupation) that made it very easy for anyone who knew me even vaguely to recognize me.

This was utterly humiliating (to see written on a website the details of my "humiliation" and manipulation as he described it) and devastating to me, especially since it was the second betrayal in a row (the first being my SO acting out in many ways including physically).

I asked him to take down the article and he did it immediately, but the trust I had in him (since 2006) is forever lost.

Since then I have had a very hard time talking to anyone, even my friend, about my issues. I feel "exposed". I even find it a little hard to share here as I'm scared people will judge me. I know this is not reasonable but I can't help thinking that way.

I have tried to steady my boat but I'm having a very hard time. I know I'm full of inner resources but I feel dry. I made it through Dday n°1 seven months ago, through my shrink's betrayal, but I'm having a very hard time going through Dday n°2 where (a couple of weeks ago, my SO finally admitted to having betrayed me physically, which he had denied up to then).

One of the questions I wanted to ask is this : I am currently taking a herbal supplement that helps me with the muscular pain and also with the anxiety. I intend to take it for a month (perhaps until mid-June).

Has anyone been in that kind of situation ? Having to resort to tranquilizers or herbal remedies to be able to bear the pain ? How do you feel about it ? What about those who don't ?

I feel it prevents me from feeling the rawness of it all... but I'm fully aware that it prevents me from doing my work (detachment). As it makes me feel "naturally" more detached (it's that herbal remedy's effect on the brain), I don't have to strive so much to detach on my own ; I feel I am "giving in", I feel I'm not facing it all, and I don't like that.

At the same time, I think that if I wasn't taking it, I wouldn't be able to feel well enough to do the work (the lessons on RN). I feel I need a break from the emotional whirlpool I've been forced into since Dday n°1.

Any thoughts on this ?

I hope I posted on the right section of the forum.

I feel cold inside and I need some warmth. I wish I was close to you all, or to just one of you. I need hugs and kisses, and I need my hand held.

Hi overtherainbow,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's tough enough without the added element of medical issues.

With my DDay, I joked with a friend (my SO's sister-in-law, who knew the story) that I lived on the scotchen diet for the first week. You know, scotch 'n salad, scotch 'n chicken, scotch 'n spaghetti.

I dunno. I'm not really one to advise--I barely take an aspirin for headaches. (Not that I have an aversion to medications. I just am not in the habit of using much of anything outside of birth control.) I do believe, however, that supplements can certainly be beneficial. Maybe give yourself a deadline to take it until X time? Then start cutting back X amount for a certain time until you don't feel the need to use it anymore? It's certainly not a long term answer. I just don't see any problem with using it to take the edge off of an immediate trauma.

Just my two credits.

Hi Frost,

Many thanks for your reply.
I think this is sound advice.
I'll give myself a deadline. I also agree on the necessity of cutting back gradually.
I know I must avoid using it as a long term answer. Because if I'm going to live with an addict (albeit recovering or seemingly recovering), I have to build a core balance ;... a quick fix won't do.

Hi Overtherainbow,

I don't feel qualified to make a comment on this but ..

As has been said, and you yourself have said, as long as you are very aware of what your taking and when it might be time to ease off it, then it might be ok for you. As a short term thing only though, otherwise you put yourself at risk.

I'll take this opprotunity to say Welcome to RN. I'm so sorry you had to seek us out, but I am delighted you've found us.
You will find the lessons an amazing way to get in touch with yourself, I hope you find them as helpful as I have.

Take care
Starry

Hi Starry,

I was feeling a bit down and came to RN looking for inspiration or support, and I was very glad to find your post. It's good to see that I'm not alone.

Thank you so much for your reply !

Over the rainbow,

I keep re- reading your post and hoping something helpful will come to mind to say. Nothing particularly insightful has popped into my head, so I will offer two things
1. A virtual Hug (we need an icon for that!). My good thoughts are with you. So sorry you are here, so happy people are here to support you because you are here.
2. Do what your heart tells you and check with your doctor. I think we each need to do what we need to in order to get through the day, the week, the month. There is no right or wrong answer and each decision you make is for today. Tomorrow you can change your mind (unless there is some sort of build up or weaning off plan for this medication!). I have Ambien that I used to only take for travel. sometimes I take it now just to get some sleep, or to sleep without remembering my nightmares. Sometimes I dont take it at all. Each day I make a choice to do what I need to do- for me- today.

wamh

Hi Wamh,

Thanks a lot for your reply, and thanks for the virtual HUG ! I really needed that. I am very glad I'm here on RN, I feel I can be myself and not hide "my" dirty secret... I feel less shame and I feel validated !
I've just started to cut back on the dosage, I'm currently taking half a capsule. My doctor (neurologist) really wants me to keep on taking it (as it is really helpful for the physical pain) ; but he doesn't know what I'm going through emotionally and so he can't understand why I would want to stop it. It's hard to tell him that I need to face the reality of my partner's sex addiction, I don't think I can.

I really like what you wrote last, I think it can really apply to how I'll try to manage all these complicated issues.

"Each day I make a choice to do what I need to do- for me- today."

Thank you !

Hi Coach Mel,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I’m sorry I started two threads with this topic (computer klutz) so I’m replying to your reply here on this thread. I hope it’s not too complicated to follow…

I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. It reflects what most members posted as well : that shows a lot of wisdom on the part of members and coaches in RN Nation.

I usually am very reluctant taking meds (despite being in a lot of physical pain all the time). And I especially abhor psychotropic medications whose side effects can be very tough.

I know that my "normal" brain needs to do the work and get over the trauma : I know it will happen naturally, given time and work. That's why I don't feel good about taking this remedy (it's not that I want to feel the full pain of the triggers for instance, but I want to be able to feel it and get past it on my own : desensitize myself naturally, not “chemically”).

Yet at this precise point in my life I'm completely stuck. This herbal remedy is a muscle relaxant and anesthetic, it helps alleviate the physical pain I suffer from and helps me be well enough do the work. Being a herbal remedy, it's a little less toxic : nevertheless, the problem remains the same : I can feel it interferes with the way I should "naturally" process the trauma.

So for the time being, I've cut back a little (I'm taking 1/2 a capsule a day) and hope to let go completely by mid-june.

You're right to point out the difference between taking meds to "numb" the pain ; and taking meds to be able to do the work. I definitely am in that last category. I take it reluctantly but wisely (and consciously : I know the limits and the risks...).