Recovery Nation

I HAVE DIFFICULTY LIVING LIFE ON LIFES TERMS

I don’t know where to start. I am tired of not having nourishing moments in my life.
My vision is to be free of the damage that my addiction has caused in my marriage. I am hungry for a normal life, what ever that means. I love my wife with all my heart and soul, yet I have avoided being there for her in ways that she needs as a women and as a person,
This is more out of fear of intimacy and fear of conflict. Lately we have been doing some fun things as a couple and I want so much more but I don’t how to nourish it and expand on it. I know this is just a Band-Aid because my wife needs a man that satisfies her need for meaningful conversations, which leads to more intimacy.

I am making a poor attempt to share with her but it feels awkward and I lack practice of just being open with feelings and with depth. I don’t share things that will nourish the marriage and relationship. She has asked me to share a value I am working on. That sounds simple. When I have chosen a value to work on, it doesn’t seem to fit the day. I am self employed and most of my work is from home with some interaction with other people on the phone or emails. There is not a lot of opportunity to practice my program. I am isolated. I have stopped trying to work on my values while I am working.

Is this a copout, am I in denial or just lazy?

I just remembered what value I can work on during the day, which is being aware of my emotions. This I have difficulty with because I go on automatic and go from one project to the next like putting one foot in front of the other without thinking about it. I have a lot of difficulty in just stopping what I am doing for a moment and asking myself what am I feeling or what emotions am I dealing with? Then my wife asks me what I did or felt today and I have difficulty remembering. Then I feel guilty for not sharing my day because she has told me how important it is to her. Then I try for awhile and then forget again. I feel like a hopeless case at times.

Has anyone else dealt with any of these situations and if so found some solutions?

Thanks to all
Recovery

Hi Recovery

Even before I opened your post I was struck by the subject "as an addict". Are you still seeing yourself as an addict? Is that really true, or is that a story that you're holding on to?

An exercise that Sunshine and I have found very useful is the "10 minute talk", which might help you with opening up something of yourself to your partner. Basically you just sit together and one person talks about how they are, what's going on in their life and the other person just listens (and hopefully pays attention) and doesn't interrupt except maybe to say "hmm?" if they haven't understood something. So there might be long periods of silence (sometimes my mind goes blank and all I can think of is rabbits staring at headlights) but usually something comes up. Then you can swap, and the 2nd person should take care not to "retaliate" about what's been said, if it caused upset but instead focus on what they're feeling and where they're at.

Just tried looking up your recovery thread, Recovery, to see how you're getting on there.

Did you last post there a year ago, or am I looking in the wrong place?

I found this: viewtopic.php?p=178394#p178394

Edit Added:

Also I see you had some advice from CoachSandalwood last year which included the suggestion that you set up a weekly appointment specifically to give you some space to talk to your wife. Did you take any of those points onboard? You seemed to drop off the radar right after that.

CoachCheryl posted some good comments in your thread about your Top 15 Values. If you're having trouble working on your values throughout the day maybe a good first question is, what are your values? Also, once you get later in the workshop you develop plans to work on each value and learn so many other important skills that are critical for recovery. It's been over a year and you've made no progress through the Recovery Workshop so it's no wonder you're still struggling. From the looks of it you've given up on real recovery and you're not really serious about this, possibly just going through the motions to try to appease wife. I'm sorry but I call it like I see it and as a prior addict I know all the smoke and mirrors and illusions we put up to make it seem like we're in recovery when we really aren't putting forth any effort. You gotta realize you can't have it both ways. You can't continue your addictive behavior AND have a happy and loving marriage and life. You need to really think about your life and your future. The future of your dreams where you have a loving wife, kids that respect and look up to you, a good circle of friends and family, a healthy body and mind, one life you live out in the open and not sulk in the shadows. And then you got to really want a life like that and know that's the only way to experience real fulfillment and happiness. And striving for that life is how to become fully and truly committed to recovery and give up the half assed efforts full of excuses and barriers we put up for ourselves.

Hi all

This thread struck a chord, on both sides of the discussion. I think what I am discovering of late is how an 'addict' mindset can perpetuate even if, say, you stop the sexual rituals. In my own case, I have learned to halt my overtly sexual patterns, and this has had many positive effects.

In short: where does recovery end, and life begin. as always, I agree with a lot of what Robert says. But I think the transition can be a bumpy one. From stopping negative rituals to beginning positive ones.

I know I am better. I feel I have many addictive patterns under control in a way I never did before. I am not tempting complacency, I hope. Rather the challenge is to gain maturity. To really get to grips with underlying issues - as it seems they do for Recovery. In short, passivity, an absence of self-awarness, little motivation to create a new self and a new way of life, day-dreaming, and of course self-attention.

I think there is a point where the first stage of recovery - learning about honesty, self-control, strucutre, active learning, - has to bleed into other areas of our life and actions.

I still feel I have a long way to go on this. That I all too often fall back on passive and compulsive structures. Procrastination. Self-pity.

I am not sure where you are with this Recovery. Whether you are acting out or not. If the underlying causes remain untouched, it may not matter even if you have learned abstinence.

But it is also a real problem. We can learn to stop negative rituals - but it can be tempting to stop there. To walloww in the safety of not causing harm. It can be much harder to start spreading good things. To risk something of ourselves - to be open and communicate.

I think your thread can help here. Or a journal. So too can that old RN watchword of struture. If your problem is passivity and feeling closed off - then create a structure where you short-circuit those weakness.

Plan each day rigorously. Plan times to be self-aware - to monitor yourself. Dont accept passsivity passively. Arrange times to talk to your wife. And talk. As Robert says, dont waste any more of her time and yours. Dont accept your own passivity here. Yo have identified it. You know how to fight it.

I am interested in the question of moving on though. I remember reading Coach Jon's advice to a recoverer who made it through. He said living life might mean leaving RN - to move on past addiction and break old assocations. I toy with this sometimes myself, and certainly need to take time off now and then.

But I wonder what others think on this? Is there a danger that staying here might lock you in to a life you want to discard? Or is that a kind of self-justication on my part?

One solution, for eg, I want to look at is the Couples Workshop - to learn some new perspectives.

Shaw

Wow! I appreciate the good advice from each of you. First of all in responce to the 10 minuate talk That Guided suggested and the weekly appointments, my wife and I did it for awhile and life and lack of energy at the end of the day gets in the way. Just saying that it says I am making excusses. I will recommit to doing what has worked in the past. Also my wife does not want daily routin talk, she wants sharing in depth, feelings and emotions. This has been a challenge for me all my life.

Robert I will re-look at my values. I have done this a number of times and have changed some of the values but these are the values I want in my life. I did stop posting about a year ago in my posts. I had finished the lessions up to lession 67 and then when the programs crashed they only retrieved up to the lessions that show now. I have copies of everything printed out but I did not put in the effort to redo everything. This brings another issue to mind.
I have not committed to do what ever it takes to recover or I would have re-intered everything again. The big thing that Robert addressed is that I can not have it both ways. My Main issues in recovery has been scanning and lusting in my 26 years of marriage and I have made great progress with those issues. Very little to none with lusting and I ussually have been able to keep under control the scanning also. I do see there are more issues when my wife and I are not getting along. This is a weakness of mine and I have not dealt with my emotions in a healthy way in these situations and I can use action plans. I do not have a happy nurishing marriage because my lack of commitment to do what ever it takes. I have many, many actions plans, but I have not been useing them consistantly lately. This is complanciency on my part. I have run out of time for now but I will comment on Shaw72 response later.