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Personal Development Forum--Partners
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can'tcureit
Joined: 19 Apr 2010
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:23 am Post subject: counseling |
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Hi Dr. Steffens! So nice to be able to participate in a forum with you!
I've had wonderful experiences with counseling, thankfully! 
However, in a support group setting the certified facilitator suggested that my husband did what he did because there was probably a lack of s*x in the marriage!!!!!!!!!!! Then he told another woman that all she had to do was go shopping at Victoria's Secret and "wow" her man when he got home from work!!!!!!!!!!!
I have my first meeting with my husband's counselor this week. I'm nervous about how that will go and what he will say. Hopefully, I won't have any horror stories to tell about it!
Blessings to you!
Emilie |
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Hope09
Joined: 05 Mar 2010
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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| foolmetwice wrote: | | Quote: | What I'm saying is I think what you are saying- each partner's needs are unique and it takes assessing the specific needs of each partner, and then designing a recovery path based on her needs. For one, it may mean spending a lot of time on childhood and FoO, and for others it will focus solely on the here-and-now trauma recovery.
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Dr Steffens, I'm so relieved to hear you say that! I think a lot of the problems in terms of getting help as a partner come from the professionals not treating each partner as an individual in this regard, but applying a 'one-size-fits-all' approach. I exhausted myself trying to 'persuade' my therapist to deal with the 'here-and now', but she literally would not believe me that I had a very nice, undramatic, healthy FoO from whom I got nothing but love and care. For example, I am 34 and my mom just sent me socks through international post because 'it makes me feel good to take care of you.' My father cried during his speech at my wedding. These people are not the explanation of why I wound up with a PA. But I do understand that for many, their FoO and childhood background needs to be examined, processed and understood in order for them to move forward in relationships now. That is why it is so comforting to have a professional acknowledge that this needs to be an individualized process.' |
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I simply do not believe that I am in this situation because my FoO was defective in some way. It's more of the same "blame the victim" mentality. I am neither a codependent nor someone who comes from a dysfunctional family and who therefore chose someone who ultimately had this problem. There is no "one size fits all." What a simplistic viewpoint! I do believe that his FoO played into the problem, but only insofar as learning that denial was okay and that passive aggression was an effective and acceptable way of handling things. (Or more accurately, I guess, NOT handling them.) He was certainly loved and knew it; his family was not cold, withholding, or abusive. On the other hand, when I read others' horrific stories of their childhoods, I realize how very, very lucky both H and I were to be raised by strong, loving families. An approach for US would need to consider those realities, whereas an approach for someone who was abused as a child would need to be entirely different. How could a one-size-fits-all approach possibly work in both situations?
I too would like to thank you for validating my experience and so many others'. It's interesting, but H used the term "trauma" to describe our experience before either of us had ever read your book or even known about it. So why is the trauma explanation so difficult for so many professionals to see, when a former SA can see it just a few months into recovery? I have never attempted to find a therapist because I've read too many stories about being labeled a co-dependent, and I am not about to subject myself to the renewed trauma such a label would cause me. It's not even remotely true.
I'd like to add that the tendency to paint with a broad brush doesn't just apply to SA. H is finishing reading Overcoming Passive-Aggression, which basically says that all passive aggression is a result of unresolved anger. Although I think anger is certainly a part of it, I think that there's much more to it. Anger isn't the only emotion being unresolved, and a lot of it is just plain refusing to communicate, or falling back on denial as a coping strategy rather than communicating. H expressed it pretty well yesterday when he told me that while sublimating emotions may be useful in some situations, in a relationship it's like playing "whack-a-mole." If they aren't expressed honestly, they're going to come out in another way anyway. Others online say that they think passive aggression was a big part of their SA's problem. So I would like to see a lot of space devoted to exploring how to identify passive aggression and KILL IT DEAD!!! |
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paob
Joined: 04 May 2010
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 4:40 pm Post subject: identifying PTSD |
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I believe several excercises and interventions would be a helpful addition to Partners of SA workbook:
1. recognition of the cycles of abusive dysfunction(denial.distortions ,deception ,shifting of blame & shame & personal responsibility for change)
2.role of triggers in ptsd response
3.Identifying triggers
4.Identifying typical responses to triggers
5.Re-learning positive responses vs. negative responses to triggers
6.Managing self-isolating coping mechanisms
7. Pre-planning of healing matrix's
8. PTSD responses post cousneling or intensives
9. Acceptance of new realities
10. the children of SA traumatic responses
Jon marsh format of workshops was so helpful to me . I like many never felt I fit into the co-dependency model and at many junctions was truamaized by counselors and such because of it. My 1st PTSD flashback occured (occures) in response to a particular counsel at an 2 weeks intensive where my values were assualted with triggering word. Now I recognize the pattern and it helps at times to abort my reacton.
Please continue your efforts . I agree that the counslor community would be better served with a book and training as I have heard so many in defensivable stories of emotional abuses secondary to poor counselor training and awareness |
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findingjoy
Joined: 20 May 2010
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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| The thing that infuriates me is that there is all kinds of support for addicts (6 different SAA meeting in our area) but very little support for those who are devastated by their behavior (only 1 COSA meeting that took 2 phone messages and an email to find - and the meeting consists of 2 people and no sponsors - had to go online) |
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lily
Joined: 21 Mar 2005
Posts: 285
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 9:07 am Post subject: |
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Hi Doc. Wow - I didn't know you were here. I've been away for a while. After Jon's death, Iand with developments here, I have been doing my work elsewhere. I miss him - we had many email and personal conversations - I treasure his writing and feel lucky to have worked with you both.
What a great partnership this is for you and this community. Haven't seen you in quite a while in the real world - many new developments here.
I wonder if you've done any research in DID (MPD) and SA. Not sure if I've spoken with you since my H's diagnoses last fall. Now that we know that my H has 7 personalities, everything has fallen into place. I know - it's amazing. Many people don't believe in it, including therapists, but I live with it and believeme, it is very very real.
The way in which I came to the SA community and immersed myself in learning about SA with Jon and your help, leading to the discovery of the DID makes me sure that many addicts have this disorder. I think - no I KNOW looking into this would be fascinating and helpful to many many people - addicts and support people alike. I could go on and on but I'll spare you ;)
Unfortunately, as hard as it is to get support and understanding and help for a partner of a sex addict, you can imagine the difficulty in finding the same for spouses of multiples, many (most?) of whom are dealing with addicts as other alters. Alters are usually created from trauma - abuse. My H has uncovered brutal and ongoing early childhood abuse. It created a high functioning system of many intelligent sexual deviants. -Nope, you just couldn't make this "stuff" up ;)
Anyway - I'm happy to see you here. I hope you know who I am (in real life.) I believe I posted here about you many times years ago with links and turned this community on to your work. Jon knew of you too. Just to remind you, here's a link to my healing thread.
http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersbb/viewtopic.php?t=543
Take care and thank you |
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Dr Barb Steffens
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Mon May 31, 2010 7:44 am Post subject: DID |
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Hi!! Good to "hear" from you.
I have not done any work on DID and partners. I'm not sure if anyone is even researching it in conjunction with SA. If SA is formed out of early trauma (for many SA's) it makes sense some would also develop DID. I am going to check around a bit to see if someone is researching that in context of SA. I know no one will be addressing that for the partner...closest thing would be supports for those who are married to childhood sex abuse survivors. If you email me, I can give you some ideas there. |
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wunderwoman
Joined: 30 Sep 2009
Posts: 91
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| Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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| hello, don't know if the forum is still open but the most valuable thing for me would be exercises that help me to stop thinking about this all the time. it has taken up all of the "white space" between my other thoughts. it is like having that annoying song stuck in your head and not being able to get rid of it. EVER. it's keeping me from being present, experiencing life, focussing on me in the here and now, planning for the future. it's a real drag, it drains my energy and i find that it gets worse if i am under stress. please help! |
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Iswear
Joined: 30 Oct 2008
Posts: 240
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| Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:10 am Post subject: Hello Dr. Barb |
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I am so excited to see you on this sight! I sent you an email over a yr. ago, in regards of finding a therapist that could help me ( Partner) it was like finding a needle in a haystack. You are 3 hrs away from me, and at the time I was so desperate to find help with a face to face therapist that could sit with me for an hour to not tell me I was crazy, which is one of my biggest Triggers since I was told I was Crazy for 15 yrs, and the other Trigger is JUST GET OVER IT WHY DONT YOU. Anyway, you emailed me back and sent me back to RN where I had been already, so now to see the both together is a relief in itself. I am so glad you are here!!
My biggest set back with all of this healing and recovery is to find out how Narcissistic my RSAH ( I think) is. The Narcissism bothers me so much more than all the Acts he could preform, I plan to start your workbook, and keep up working on myself. I started face to face again, and told him of the horrible thing my other therapist told me that set me back, and he was horrified that a counsel could even think that way let alone speak it, so hopefully I found the right person.
So Thankful for you on RN, Iswear |
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