Recovery Nation

[farfromhere]

This is my first post, my first lot of homework from the partner's workshop.

H and I have been together for over 10 years.

Starting at the beginning

Our first few dates I got the impression that he was kind, and he had a great sense of humour. I felt a bit uncertain about the way he spoke about sex and women. He seemed to think a great deal of girls out there were ‘tarts’. And that he should know,he would tell me that he’d been with plenty of them on all sorts of occasions. He seemed full of bravado, and proud that I wasn’t one of those sort of girls. His previous girlfriends had been ‘sl*ts’. No-one had ever loved him. Now he had me, his highly-prized, innocent girlfriend.
I felt very uneasy about being with someone I felt de-valued women, ‘used’ them. I felt conflicted by his insistence that he was incredibly in love with me, yet could speak of women as if they were garbage. These two things did not fit together. I am a woman. You can’t hate women and love me.
I also came across his porn movies. He had tried to hide it, and then admitted to small amounts. H said it was what guys did. I wasn’t a fan of it, on moral grounds. I didn’t say anything for the first year of our relationship. As time wore on, we spent a lot of our time together. We started to fight about it. He was wasting money buying more porn movies. We had not a cent to spare. I felt cheated on, financially and sexually. I felt compromised too. Was I a self-respecting person to love a man who both despised and revered promiscuity? Did this man love me, or just need me?

As it turns out, a few years down the track he confessed that actually he had very little sexual experience. H said his story-telling had gotten out of hand and that he was ashamed that he had started saying that sort of thing in the first place. I admit I was relieved to hear this. But equally tormented by the fact that something so simple (him feeling inadequate) had caused me a lot of uneasy contemplation.

The porn issue never ceased. The internet made it easy for him. He made promises not to do it anymore, but every time I looked for it, it was there. The content was not always exactly what you would call mainstream. I hated myself for loving someone who couldn’t stop watching porn. I hated myself for letting him bully me into believing it wasn’t a problem. He said I had the problem. He would get so angry. Then he would be remorseful. Each year the volume of porn increased. High-speed connections had made the internet a smorgasbord for porn. I had argued against getting broadband installed, and he protested that he needed it for his studies. Then one day I noticed it had been installed. There were times I would find so much I couldn’t count it all up. He was always busy on the computer, saying he was studying or playing computer games. He spent his evenings up late. I felt lonely and rejected. I knew that on and off, porn took up a lot of his time and energy. It was always eating away at my happiness, my confidence, my self-worth.

.
Four years ago, I decided I couldn’t face this anymore. We didn’t communicate. He spent most of his time on the computer. He belittled me every time I mentioned the problem. I loathed myself. I loved him. We had the talk. I think it needs to end. He took out a spindle of 50 CD-ROMS of porn and snapped every one. If you are reading this, you know how this ends, or the fact that it didn’t end.

We had a baby, H stayed up late watching porn. He was angry when confronted. He felt rejected by me. I was busy with baby, so H had busied himself the way he knows best. We went to counselling. After a series of sessions, H had convinced counsellor and myself that he didn’t have a problem, but he would stick by an agreement to limit his porn usage.

This didn’t happen. He continued using porn. Porn was the unmentioned misery that lurked around every corner. He would relapse time and again. We would fight, then ‘move on’.. or go back to denial, as I now know. I didn’t want any this, especially not for my children. Now we have two kids.

Rock bottom occurred yesterday. I found over 70 porn movies on his work computer. The main theme being just of age/college girl. I have NEVER been more horrified in my life. If that had been found at work, he would have lost his job. He also would never be able to work in his profession in this country again. We had just completed 10 sessions of marriage therapy, where he had convinced this new therapist, and myself, porn was not a problem, I was the one with a problem. He lies so easily.
Marriage counselling, two different series, hasn’t worked. Anti-depressants neither. He has been to individual counselling sessions and announced that he doesn’t have a problem. Time after time, he has said I have the problem. If I were looking for a pattern I would say it is his anger and denial, followed by promises and remorse, then relapse. My pattern is to flare up the situation by finding his movies, then be verbally abused and manipulated into believing things will be better, or telling myself that everything else is good in my life and I should count my blessings. A slow anger burns inside me, and on the outside painting the biggest smile on my face, telling myself and the world that everything is fine. Occasionally I break down. I cry so much. I hate so much. And then I cry some more. Everything feels harder to manage. Like I am carrying too much to bear.
So now we are here. Yesterday he admitted to me, after confronted, that he has a pornography addiction. He can’t explain it any better than that so far. Today, he started the first session of a recovery program for porn addicts. H and I have spent 11 years of loving and loathing. I know today marks the beginning of deep-seated change. The process will take time, and no-one but H can determine the outcome.
H and I have had times where I felt we were really happy together. I felt it was a loving relationship that was full of fun and kindness. H has been my best friend for 11 years. He can be a really supportive husband, and he is a loving father. H has problems that have been there for much longer than we have been together. He is a deeply unhappy man. He wishes he couldn’t remember a single day before he met me. He never felt loved, and always felt lonely. H wanted me, and a family together. I suspect he was trying to fix his problems, but I am not the remedy. Facing his past, learning about himself, and working at his recovery every day might be the answer. I want to be free of H’s problems. I want him to be free of them. It tears me up to see someone I love being so tormented. I am finished with being manipulated. I am angry. I hate it.

I love him.

[CoachHeather]

farfromhere
I am sorry that you find yourself here at Recovery Nation but rest assured you have made the first huge step towards health based recovery. There is a whole community to support you through this process.

By working the Partner's Workshop you will learn to realize a vision for your life, identify your values and establish boundaries where those values are not violated.

[farfromhere]

Thank-you to Coach Heather for you support and advice. I feel incredibly lost and so relieved to have a beacon of hope. It has helped in my motivation. I was feeling as though maybe I didn’t know my husband’s true nature (and that it was a cruel one) until now, due to his manipulation of the truth. But in separating the man from the addiction, I know he is a good man.

My Vision

I have found this section really hard. I am so grateful for this forum. I certainly need to realize my vision, values and boundaries. I am yet to know them in their entirety.

1. Value my immediate family
It is important that my immediate family (my husband, children and myself) have a closeness that allows us to enjoy each other’s company and not always to have to seek stimulation from outside our family. A good family relationship feeds self-esteem in other relationships, and vice-versa. I want my children to be confident with their own company, and in the company of others. And I want this for myself. This is something I need to address as I seem to have lost some of it along the way.


2. Value my extended family and friends.
Family, both immediate and extended, is most important to me. Friendships are also part of a wider ‘family’ that I cherish. To be surrounded by family and friends whom I care about and who reciprocate this gives me a sense of contentment and drives my enthusiasm. My children’s emotional well-being is paramount. I think it is important to surround my children with people whom they love and who love them, and give them stability by maintaining a familiar circle of family, friends and community.
I have become very focused on the well-being of others and tied this to my happiness. I need to find happiness within. I want to find time each week to devote to my personal development and discover my interests. I want to allow myself to see this not as indulgent but as a balance of devotion to others and devotion to self. Perhaps I will join a gym, or choose a study pathway, or both. My mind and my body feel sluggish and under-utilized.

3. Value myself
As a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend, colleague and neighbour I need to stop trying to please people, and need their positive feedback, to make myself feel good. I am a good person, and I do not need constant validation. I do not always need to consult others to know what is best for me, instead listen to intuition. Some professional counselling will also be very beneficial. I do appreciate the fact I need to work on my emotional well-being.

[farfromhere]

Ammendment:

"I have become very focused on the well-being of others and tied this to my happiness. I need to find happiness within. I want to find time each week to devote to my personal development and discover my interests. I want to allow myself to see this not as indulgent but as a balance of devotion to others and devotion to self. Perhaps I will join a gym, or choose a study pathway, or both. My mind and my body feel sluggish and under-utilized. "

This was supposed to be as part of No. 3

[farfromhere]

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).
B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.
I can’t seem to untangle these two responses...

My gut said about P was that it was always there, in varying amounts. If I looked for it, I found it. So I only looked for it if I was feeling down. I knew it was there, I knew it was making me hurt, and by finding it I had undeniable proof that I had reason to feel so bad.

My gut said his problem was bigger than he could admit. Then I found out he was wasting hours on P sites, trawling compulsively.

H would give me endless excuses, he’d be angry, he’d be insistent, I’d argue my point. My gut said my voice was not being heard by H. It wasn’t.

My gut said he couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t. He said he could just stop. That was years ago.

He said his P wasn’t on his work computer. I was so terrified; I knew it was there, that I never looked. Until 3 days ago. Yes, it was there.

My gut said H had a youth complex he had not moved on from, as he claimed. Right again.

When I was depressed, he was my biggest support, but I my gut said he was also playing with my head to his advantage. And that he wasn’t doing it consciously, more that he couldn’t help himself. Lies like water, seeping into every part of our lives. Of course, he always said I was paranoid.


Heaven help me, I sound so jaded. I am very emotional. I know I might feel worse before I feel better. I am focusing on how grateful I am to have found RN. I am focusing on the good things in my life and I am trying to focus on H the man.


C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.:[/b][/b]

H stays up late, says he needs some down time before bed. And has his computer near him.

H is moody, withdrawn, negative.

H gets angry if asked about P. Insisting on his point of view.

H responds too quickly if asked about P.

H tries to rationalize P.

H acts overconfident in his self-control with P, or seems overconfident in his recovery.

H acts guilty, sad, remorseful without particular reason.

[farfromhere]

Exercise Four
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviours that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

H values the stability, love and sense of purpose that family life provides.
H values his children’s love for him, and his love for them.
H values the fulfilment he gains from his profession. He inspires others.
H values his relationship with me. He is working towards a healthy life with healthy relationships.



2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

H can be introverted.
Trust. I have to have the courage to love H and not live my life in fear of possible relapse.

[farfromhere]

Exercise Five

A) I manage stress through various measures.
• I talk about issues of concern with family or close friends (main way of de-stressing)
• I go out for a coffee, or some other activity to get out of the house.
• I go for a walk
• I try to be positive and contemplate things until I feel I have a better perspective
• I eat chocolate (not the healthiest habit)
To become unstable it would take long-term stress with little access or ability to relieve the stress.
This has happened to me when I was attending college. I was chronically ill, and stressed at college, at home, at work, in my relationships.

B) I guess I found that anxiety unescapable and felt like I was underwater, could see the surface but just couldn’t struggle to the top and breathe.
C) A lot of his friends from school engaged in drugs and alcohol abuse so he may have used that to relieve stress instead. H engages in retail therapy (our poor credit card..) which could have become worse.
I am a bit uncertain about this question, as I feel his addiction CAUSED a fair bit of his anxiety also.

[farfromhere]

Exercise Six.

A. I must admit I skimmed through this. I am a bit shaken of late and didn't feel emotionally prepared to read something confronting.

B. I observed a sexualised mind from the commencement of our relationship. This is mentioned in the first post of my healing thread.

C. Sexualised mind: sex jokes
Objectified mind:"When they view porn for instance, they are not viewing a real person, but merely a stimulus that can be used for their own personal gratification". This resonated with me. P has caused H to detach from reality. He has played two roles- one of the family man and caring professional, and the other as objectifier?
Immediate gratification: Using P is often about this.
All or Nothing Perception: I have always known H was quite strongly all or nothing. It was demonstrated quite succinctly when d-day occured, and I asked him to leave. He said "Well it's obvious you never loved me.".

I acknowledge this is a really short response. I have thought about this matter in great detail, a short response does not imply I have taken this subject matter lightly, merely that I do not have the time to type it. Perhaps I am also akward in the subject at hand. I will try to talk more freely. I know this well assist my healing.

[farfromhere]

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication
II. Managing your partner's recovery
III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health

I have played many roles in relation to my H’s recovery. Our communication over the matter has never been great. I become emotional and my husband denies or blame-shifts. We have each tried to rationalize our point of view, becoming more frustrated with each other with each failed attempt.

Since D-day, we have had a few conversations where I have felt we were communicating openly with each other, and it is only then that I realized how poorly we had been doing this previously. We really need to implement “I” statements, we have had some coaching on this.

I suppose in terms of communication, I have felt uneasy whenever we talked about certain issues. Porn has caused some (of course not all) problems in our relationship, and instead of me saying how I really felt, I denied my own feelings and held it inside. Eventually I would either explode (yelling) or implode (crying) and make overtly emotional attempts to make H see my point of view. H would respond to anger with anger, leading to my crying and crying would bring about a band-aid response. We were never going to get anywhere with this.

I am seeing a psychologist, and hopefully as I gain more confidence I will learn to approach things with the emotional strength I need to communicate effectively.

To date, I think I have always tried to mange H’s recovery, and it is with a few sessions of seeing therapists that I can now say I am not going to do this. Previously I have done and said what feels like a million things, all in vain attempt to make H see he had a problem. I now am realizing only self-motivation will bring about real, lasting change in H. It is with a heavy heart I realize this.

I had been disempowering the pursuit of health by attempting to mange H’s recovery, and with my overtly emotional communication. I have been empowering the pursuit of health by focusing on my own well-being, and praising H when I see him taking steps towards his own.


B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?
I am seeing a psychologist, and I am now being more open with those close to me about the nature of what is happening in my relationship. I was previously too ashamed to be open about it, and it made me victim to what was happening, and much harder to bear. By sharing this, I have found a wealth of support. My recovery is just as important as H’s. I have little self-esteem and I question my self-respect. This cannot continue.

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

We had just completed a series of marriage counselling before d-day, so the tools we have learnt from this will need to be used. We have recommenced marriage counselling.
I need to be a stronger person. By focusing on my healing, this shall come to fruition.

[CoachMel]

[farfromhere]

Coach Mel, your advice was very helpful. Your insight was like a like switching on when you said

[farfromhere]

8.

A. I hope H is on a healthy path. I feel he may be at the ‘actual recovery’ stage. He relapsed briefly, which I left me questioning his sincerity. It is early days in his recovery. He is taking steps towards health such as seeing a psychologist. It is a great relief that he has made this commitment. H wants to change, yet I sense that he is annoyed that it has come to this and wishes it would all go away. From experience, and having read up on RN, this isn’t particularly conducive to recovery ( I do understand his thinking though, it would be easier short-term to sweep this away, as we always have.)


B. 1) I wish he wasn’t angry. “ His emotional immaturity when I bring up my pain. He gets angry or completely shuts down emotionally”. Sums up some situations quite well.
2) For H to spend a little more time on his recovery and health. H needs to read up and take whatever information is useful on board.
3) I know H tries, but it would be helpful if he could focus less on my emotions. I am trying really hard to focus on my happiness, and I don’t need H feeling annoyed if I seem unhappy or tired.