Recovery Nation

hello,

i guess this is my prologue for my recovery. i am 22 years of age and would like to overcome this. i have read some of the recovery lessons, about the first three, yet i've realized that i will really need to take this seriously ie. participating in the forums, analyzing the lessons in order to get better. i will now give a brief introduction of some of the thoughts that i have and what i've learned from the first few lessons.

the issue of mortality. i couldn't believe that there was an actual connection between my consistent fear with death and my masturbation compulsions. now i know! at first i didn't think some of the examples wouldn't relate to me. for example, i DO have goals in life that i am striving to achieve (not just thinking about it but being active about it). yet then i thought hard about why i've always feared death and i've came up with the logical conclusion: a lack of deep and meaningful connections resulting in an unfulfilled life. i thought more and completely connected not only with the fact that i've never really had a girlfriend, act like a random goofball around my friends instead of trying to have meaningful friendships, but also with my parents. for example, i have honestly felt uncomfortable and awkward whenever my parents told me "love you" over the phone; i felt so uncomfortable that i would never...never say it back. over the past few days, whenever i'm on the phone with my mother, i've been saying it at the end of the conversation and i've felt alot better. just some feeling that i've never really had before with my parents. i've realized this that i would also always snap back at my mom whenever my mother was asking me many questions instead of realizing that she is just trying to have a meaningful relationship with me, and it feels like that i've subconsciously chosen not to reciprocate the warmth that she has given me :( sad i know.
so i have a question. my desire to have a more meaningful connection with my parents, is this a "value" which i should focus on?

there are, of course, other values that i wish to strive towards. i do work out a lot...at least 1 hr 4-6 times a week, and i love it, and i feel it's one of the only things that keeps my sanity, yet i do want to take it to the next level. to take it to the next level would be to participate in a triathlon! this would be awesome and i've been swimming a lot this past summer, improving my technique, so i would actually be able to swim one. i know i will continue to participate in competitive sports even though my college years are officially over. but i haven't done that yet and i know i should try to get a deadline set up.

to become a better person, i want to embrace my heritage and my culture. my parents never taught me the language of my nationality and i feel it is important for me to do so. i would also love to take dancing lessons. the only problem is, that i am very, very limited with time right now and...i should maybe still try!

anyways, i feel like embracing my culture, my fitness, those would benefit my life, yet on a deeper level i feel that i've feared my mortality because of my lack of a deep connection with my parents, by choosing to prevent one, which is seen in me feeling uncomfortable to say "love you" to my parents. i just want to know if this first, tiny little step is in the right direction to have control over my addiction and not let it have control over me.

very best,
lostkid

oh and just another thing to add of what i've learned. i remember in one of the lessons it said that the masturbation compulsion is a result of one not managing their life correctly; that i would enjoy these short term feelings of elation yet consequently damaging my long term health over time. i've been thinking about this and it actually makes perfect sense with my life. going back to my relationship with my parents, having a more meaningful relationship with them would benefit me in the long run, yet i've chosen to NOT have a meaningful relationship with them, and to fulfill my loneliness i've replaced it with the...dirty stuff. of course i should have meaningful relationships outside than my parents, yet i am just looking at what i have control over in my life. i cannot control that i will have a meaningful relationship with a girl on a street; i can talk to her and share a few words but daydreaming about a meaningful relationship with pretty eyes will lead me back to my dark reality. i've actually felt like this today, really bummed, and i've kept on telling myself that i can have meaningful relationships with my parents, and i did yield to my compulsions, and realize that i need to start writing on this board and get on the readings because i don't want to live this life anymore.

i want to grow up and be a man, which i believe consists of:
-having meaningful relationships
-embracing my heritage/culture
-go back to my relationship with God like it was in highschool
-do triathlons to make me strong
-become a more extroverted individual.

i know these ideas and posts probably don't adhere to your guidelines but these are just thoughts in my head that i feel have moved .05 mm in the right direction towards ending my compulsion.

very best,
lostkid

Personally, I think that a value of having a good relationship with your parents is a very good value to include in your list. You are lucky that your mother does say "I love you" to you. I grew up in a very austere German family that never said "I love you" at any time. I encourage you to respond back to your parents with showing love and caring for them. I thing that it will put you in a better state of mind to care for yourself. In regard to you statement about learning to dance and having limited time. You need to priorize your time so that you CAN do those special things for yourself. Jon Marsh refers to them as pillars in your life. I suggest that you go to work on the RN lessons. I found them to be very meaningful and very well laid out.
I wish you the best in your efforts to move forward in your life.

These are: 1) actively committing yourself to change; 2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change; and 3) allowing yourself time to change. Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) where do i stand with actively committing myself to change? well, i haven't thrown out the computer yet. and i've learned through this summer that just sheer willpower is not enough to permanently prevent me to make a long term change. so right now i will love to use a combination of sheer willpower (taking deep breaths when i have the urge, focus on work, leaving the house, get off the computer!!!) combined with carefully reading the articles and posting my feeeeeeeeeelings on these threads.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation for that change. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.

-to be happier :) and not :(
-to be a better person
-to grow up
-to not perceive myself as a failure in life
-to not be lonely and let others down in the future
-to prove to myself i can be successful in all of the fundamental areas of life (social success and not just monetary)
-to learn to apply my obsessive and addictive personality towards the other areas of my life so i can be the best best best
-to have more meaningful relationships
-to live a more fulfilling life, which includes meaningful and realistic relationships
-to not have to turn towards masturbation for unfulfilling happiness
-to embrace GOD again, because i know he's with me, he always has been


C.

-about the picture...i looked at one when i was around 5. it is sad. to see how i have not been able to manage my life correctly, which has lead me to enjoy unfulfilling happiness with masturbation. i want to get back on the path that i was supposed to live. and it starts now.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change; and 3) allowing yourself time to change.

for these two...

-guilt/shame? well it does not feel like a heavy burden for me to carry it since i know i'm the only one carrying it ie. not letting a family down. maybe my parents, but i haven't thought of it that way. and my friends? my brother and sister? well, now i do feel like i have a burden. that they would think better of me. that yeah i do get lonely and blablabla but that doesn't mean i should be living a...sick and unhealthy life. ouch. that hurts myself. i do know that people love me in my life. it is very nice and even though i never really think of that, i'm sure they would be sad to know what i do...something so secret that no one else knows about. i know other people do it too but i doubt most of my friends are addicted to it. i don't even know if they do it anymore. but here i am. still doing it. and it has become a problem. i'm sure they would feel disappointed. but i'm definitely not doing it for them but just for myself.

-allowing myself time to change? well i would love to just work really hard on this, as much as i can, over the next few months, and get better! and the sun would shine and i would run through fields and everything would be like....HURRAY!

of course it's not like that. and yes i'm still in this dark tunnel that i do want to crawl out of. i can almost hear the rats squeaking around the corner (ok, sorry if i'm going off topic, i'm not a psycho, i just need to get to writing my story and i haven't done it yet today).

but i genuinely feel i will only get over this if i make this my 100% priority. but how can i?! what about my future??? my first script i'm working on??? that's my future. i'm already in the dark. aren't i'm supposed to stay here for years to come? i feel like this is just a last attempt. a last attempt of scraping at the walls and trying to get out of the water and reach the sunshine. i feel like i'll never be happy. i want this to work. maybe i'm looking at this recovery from the wrong approach. most likely. as usual.

First of all RELAX. This is a process not a test. You have to become comfortable in the process not the time line or the dramatics of what it will take. Don't question every little thing about the whys and what ifs etc. There will be a time when this will be needed but right now its about making a commitment and building a foundation for change. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. These first lessons build the foundation then comes the work to build on the foundation. It will be steady work, nothing will jump out and throw you for a loop. Hard work is needed but with balance. Do not be afraid of the journey just be committed to it and your outlook will change without you even realizing it until it's already happened.

how would i create a vision that i would commit myself to? below is just an "idea" of what i've brainstormed to. feel free to tell me to correct it.

my fear of my own mortality is a result of me not living the life i should be living. a life that could make me happier. to have a more meaningful life, which i've taken small steps towards, i've learned the other day that i can can choose to become a better person or to slowly degrade myself. i feel, at my age, that i have the choice to make. and i guess these next few weeks will determine which way i want to go.

not only is it important to me to become a more social and friendly person, but to embrace and enjoy more meaningful relationships with the ones i love. ever since i've started to tell "love you" to my mother a few weeks ago, ever since i've had this different approach in attitude with her, my relationship with her has steadily improved. sure, i am an emotional person and do have my little tantrums, but for the most part it is more enjoyable spending time with her and being silly and myself around her. instead of just seeing her as something...someone i cannot share enjoyable moments with her, i've started to enjoy having her as my mother. the one and only sweet mother that i have. it still is kind of hard for me to say "love you" to her, as she did drop me off at the train station and i was upset, and i had the words barely mutter through my lips, but it was an effort that made me feel a little better. before i used to "think" that i would show my affection towards my mother through my actions such as cleaning the kitchen unexpectedly, but now i feel like i'm taking the next step by not being such a brat to my sweet mother. even though i am, but a lot less of it and more :) times. that is one aspect of my life, which i want to improve on.

i did not think of this before, but now when i think of it, it has been really, really hard for me to connect with even my so called friends. i've always seemed to block myself up by just showing one part of myself instead of trying to have more meaningful relationships. i feel like this will be harder for myself than opening up with my mother. with my mother i used to go to her for advice. with my friends, i sometimes opened up but just never really. i don't know though. part of me is telling me that i'm just a weird person, such an outcast, that it's just really hard for me to have one on one connections with others. and it kind've sucks b/c the people i do get along well with are not here now. welp! gotta look forward now! but, of course, i have had meaningful conversations with friends in the past, but i guess i'm just saying that those aren't here right now so i feel kinda...disconnected from the world. anyways. i realized to get to those important friendships and relationships, i need to open up more and embrace my extroverted side.

another vision that i have now is culturally and spiritually. spiritually, i would like to have GOD in my life again, yet i do not know how now. life is soooo busy right now that i have my hands tied and. yeah. culturally, is me learning my native language. i have taken little steps by practicing a little bit every day with my mother and learning a few words here and there. to take some dance lessons would be awesome. yet i do not know when i will have time too (working 7 days a week).

a REALLY good thing that happened to me is that my custom orthotic arrived today, which means HOPEFULLY i can start running PAIN-FREE in about two weeks :))) running is such a big BIG part of my life that held me together in high school. i was unable to run a marathon last fall because i hurt myself in training and now HOPEFULLY i can start running again and feel free as a bird and ....this blog can't explain it. anyways, i know the coaches may want to shoot me in the head for this "vision" but i do have to run to bed right now (no pun intended).

so this is my vision. at the core, of what is most important to me, is to expand the meaningful relationships with those who are most important to me in my life. another goal is to expand with GOD, yet at the moment it looks like i'm being lazy but i am actually saying a little prayer before bed and sometimes before i eat yummy yummy yum yum food. other parts that i would be proud is learning the native language which i should learn and also hopefully taking dance classes. oh yeah, and to start running again :) and train for some races!!! and get that adrenaline rush.

i believe this is the right "idea" of making myself a better person. these are all definitely realistic goals, and hopefully, i will at the very least stop being afraid of death. at least for the time being until i look at some of the later lessons and then stop being a compulsive negative bla! bed time have a good day!

1) to be physically healthy (u)
2) to do a running race this fall. possibly a half marathon (p)
3) to be mentally healthy (u)
4) to say "love you" to my mother and father (p)
5) to have my creative outlet (u)
6) to start my screenplay very soon and complete the first draft before thanksgiving (p)
7) to be more social (u)
8) to try to talk to at least one stranger a day, cute girls and in between, that i want to start a conversation with (p)
9) to be more giving (u)
10) to try to help one person out everyday ie. helping them with their luggage down stairs, trying to make someone smile (p)
11)to have respect for myself (u)
12) walk with my head up high and back straight (p)
13) to embrace my heritage (u)
14) to speak my native language with my mother a little bit everyday (p)
15) become more financially responsible (u)
16) try to get a paying temp job after internships end this october (p), and maybe continue the 7 day work schedule by getting a temp job before october
17) embracing my adrenaline rush side (u)
18) get a motorcycle or a really fast car in the next few years (p). when can afford it of course.
19) trying to let my guard down (u)
20) having more meaningful conversations with people (p)
21) develop spiritually with God (u)
22) when have free time, do soup kitchens for the homeless! (p)
23) to expand into further areas of art, other than my main goal (u)
24) to take dance lessons (p)
25) to feel accepted by others (u)
26) to seek beauty in my creativity (u)
27) to write my screenplay from my heart and not for money (p)
28) to not be bored in life (u)
29) to celebrate life and music and feeling alive (u)
30) to enjoy my nights out dancing! i love it and part of the reason why i want to take lessons (p)
31) to be clean (u)
32) to clean my nails and feet more often (p)
33) to do my laundry more often (p)
34) to clean my room and have it stay neat! (p)
35) to learn how to cook (u)
36) to try to cook with my mother at least once a week to learn a new recipe (p)
37) to be comfortable with who i am (u)
38) to talk more with strangers, at least once a day, and to realize i should not fear! (p)
39) to be a better friend (u)
40) to really listen to my friends' problems and give them honest feedback with their struggles (p)
41) to maintain friendships and family over long distance (u)
42) to write letters to them for their birthdays and holidays (p)
43) to not feel self-conscious all the time (u)
44) to realize humans are not perfect? (p)
45) to be a better communicator (u)
46) practice my speech with a tape recorder my father bought me (p)
47) to not be so hard myself (u)
48) to think about the things i'm good at when i'm down (p)
49) to enjoy life (u)
50) to set limits to my work life and have a balance of when i can have fun.

the dark side:

failure
pathetic
loser
miserable
loneliness
weak
vulnerable
quiet
lost
introverted
depressed
going no where in life

horny
lustful
desired
wanting
turned on
lonely
addicted
unfulfilled*
escapism
pathetic escapism without creativity which bores my mind


i'm glad i did this tonight. i didn't want to. i wanted to do other things like work on my screen play. i have such limited time. but i feel good now that i did this. i...accomplished something! yes! next lesson tomorrow. just double checking, did i do this correctly?

to live in reality when i'm not creating
to be involved with people and the environment and live in the present
to listen to people and not think
to talk to people when i want to talk to people
to not feel self conscious and analyze what i will say
to live and not care so much: to be and feel alive
to have more meaningful relationships with significant others
have deeper conversations with my parents
tell my parents i love them
have more meaningful conversations with friends
look out for them and cherish my friendships
to be more social
to be more giving
to help people when i know i can
to talk with more girls
to have more respect for myself
to walk with my head up high
to not let people walk over me
to love life: exploring, traveling, dancing
to continue my physical health
begin running again
religion: to find a way to connect with God again
possibly do soup kitchens when i have free time :)
to learn the language my parents speak and learn more of my heritage
to take dance lessons
to be clean
to clean my room, do my laundry
to cook more
cook with mother at least once a week

1) increase my physical activity
2) compassion for others (strangers and non strangers)
3) respect for myself (walking, interaction with others)
4) cleanliness
5) embracing my heritage
6) increase my spirituality
7) independence from parents (learning how to cook more, more basics)
8) balance between introversion and extroversion (creative time, social time)
9) to safely enjoy adrenaline rushes (skydiving, athletic competitions)
10) to embrace myself (learn dancing, more guitar)
11) to increase knowledge of current events and general information (read the newspaper daily, watching the discovery channel)
12) allowing the ones who love me to actually love me by reciprocating it back
13) living in the moment more (listen to the words of those talking to me)
14) to increase my interaction with girls (dating, talking to random ones I want to talk with)
15) to think for major decisions instead of feeling

Good job on your vision. I can see the changes you want to make. You may want to look at expanding it more. It should have as many areas as you think are important for your life. Some suggestions are career, health, family, education, finances, etc.

Your top 15 values are a good start as well. I think if you update your vision some of these will change.

now when i think about it, i do not have anything included on a value for my career. i think this is because i am so...extremely focused on it. it's the only thing i think about, and am working at 7 days a week, and want to be successful in. i have an extremely huge drive to be one of the best in this occupation. and i damn right believe i can be.

so it's not like i need to improve my life by focusing on my career. i actually think i would improve my life by focusing on it less. which is actually why i brought up the idea of reading for knowledge ie. newspaper, articles, educational shows on tv, because i've been so consumed with reading just on my career path that it's...it's time for a change and break from it from 24/7. and i believe that will make me a more well-rounded individual.

my father used to tell me when i was younger that it's important to have a balance in life. i believe he meant that, for him, he had to continue to work hard to maintain a happy marriage and in his career to support his family (which he did very well in both).

and for me, just starting out in my career, i believe that i can't just be obsessed and work hard in my career in order to be a happy person. i need to balance my life with other things to have my life more enjoyable.

i know this may not be another practical priority to work on, but it is definitely a universal priority that i would like to gain from this recovery.

to not be so obsessed with my career by living a more balanced life, which includes keeping myself healthy through socializing, exercising, and even getting better sleep.

i think giving myself sleep? would be a practical value to include. because i really don't. and working 7 days a week is forcing me to get some sleep. can i include sleeping as a practical value as a way to "balance" my life, which will help keep me healthy. it may sound easy but i usually find myself wasting time by staying up late ie. looking at pornography was a pretty good time for that, and that's definitely not healthy.

so to expand my list of priorities. i think it's necessary that i try to get a solid 8 hrs when i can. because i'll be a more healthier person and will help me maintain my balanced life.

another thing. sorry, i'm just rambling. is to...i would love to have a life free of drugs and alcohol. i don't do drugs. but i do drink. as an obsessive person, drinking was becoming a problem for me 2 years ago in college where i would get way too drunk every time i went out and things like that. i've calmed down since then. but i wasn't happy with myself last saturday. i got...pretty drunk...but i've been much worse. i didn't black out or wasn't stumbling but i definitely wasn't in control. it felt great being out with friends since i'm so busy now but i was unhappy the next day because i thought i went a little overboard.

another value/vision that i would like is living a life that is free from drinking. permanently? i mean it is fun to go off the wall sometimes. and i have been good with drinking over the past...year (i was drunk though so judgment ain't too good). but i would like to be in control of it. and not have it control me. to be healthy all around :) a balance in my life again. going off the wall because i'm stressed is not a balance. even though people do it, it's NOT handling with life well! i think that makes sense? wow, that does sound like an addiction thing. reacting on FEELINGS instead of MANAGING them. controlling them. letting them control you. oh my. not good at all. nothing is wrong with a drink or two or getting a little buzz.

but is it wrong to look for a good night out after being stressed out? i mean last saturday was really good. it was worth it even though i wish i didn't drink too much. no, of course nothing is wrong with a good time. but i shouldn't look towards alcohol as my way of having a good time. i was so happy already there because i was simply out with friends in a cool environment. that was the center of my happiness. but allowing alcohol to replace what was already making me happy- friends- is wrong.
i'm learning now. i think.

interesting. just one more comment. i remember after one of the most important college exams i had this past spring, because i thought i might've failed the class but i was actually fine (B-), i remember feeling so incredibly relieved and just went to dinner with some friends and watched a movie. that afternoon was so memorable because...of just being relieved with stress. i didn't need to drink and black out because i was done. that would not be managing my life well. that would show i let alcohol control my life. i think. i'm not sure if i'm correct.

but just the thought of drinking less. just social drinking. drinking a bit because it's fun to be out with friends and enjoy the night. and i guess it's ok once in a while. but not to get so trashed every time. that's bad. but i think i'm trying to find a happy medium by saying once in a while. but that's not fun then! haha.

a life without alcohol too? well it's definitely safer and healthier. would it make me a better person? a life that would make me more balanced in the long run? yes. i definitely think so because of my obsessive tendencies. i believe alcohol is just another unhealthy outlet out of life like masturbation has been for me. because i know i will be stressed in the future over my career. and i know that resorting towards alcohol, which i did last saturday unfortunately, is not a healthy way of dealing with stress. yes! i have to find happiness and enjoyment with the friends around me. i have to realize that...having a good night out is from the people around me and not the alcohol. does this mean i'll stop going out? of course not because the whole point of going out is to be with people. i'm writing too much. bed time now. think this is on track.

1) increase my physical activity
2) compassion for others (strangers and non strangers)
3) respect for myself (walking, interaction with others)
4) cleanliness
5) embracing my heritage
6) increase my spirituality
7) independence from parents (learning how to cook more, more basics)
8) balance between introversion and extroversion (creative time, social time)
9) to safely enjoy adrenaline rushes (skydiving, athletic competitions)
10) to embrace myself (learn dancing, more guitar)
11) to increase knowledge of current events and general information (read the newspaper daily, watching the discovery channel)
12) allowing the ones who love me to actually love me by reciprocating it back
13) living in the moment more (listen to the words of those talking to me)
14) to increase my interaction with girls (dating, talking to random ones I want to talk with)
15) to think for major decisions instead of feeling
16) to reduce drinking alcohol in my life (to not resort to it for happiness)
17) to use these above values to help me balance my life from my stressful career path and let me not be so obsessive with it.

1) increase my physical activity
2) compassion for others (strangers and non strangers)
3) respect for myself (walking, interaction with others)
4) cleanliness
5) embracing my heritage
6) increase my spirituality
7) independence from parents (learning how to cook more, more basics)
8) balance between introversion and extroversion (creative time, social time)
9) to safely enjoy adrenaline rushes (skydiving, athletic competitions)
10) to embrace myself (learn dancing, more guitar)
11) to increase knowledge of current events and general information (read the newspaper daily, watching the discovery channel)
12) allowing the ones who love me to actually love me by reciprocating it back
13) living in the moment more (listen to the words of those talking to me)
14) to increase my interaction with girls (dating, talking to random ones I want to talk with)
15) to think for major decisions instead of feeling
16) to reduce drinking alcohol in my life (to not resort to it for happiness)
17) to allow my body to be healthy by sleeping more instead of staying up late for no good reason.
18) to use these above values to help me balance my life from my stressful career path and let me not be so obsessive with it.

Embracing my heritage
-Enrolling in dance classes! ?
-Practicing the language of my heritage with mother EVERYDAY. Even just for a little bit. A little bit everyday!

Cleanliness:
-My room has been a complete mess this summer! It is time I make time to clean it up one afternoon! And keep it clean!
-Get in a routine to clip my toe nails once a week. (would be very nice!)
-Never reusing clothes!
-Not letting my laundry overflowing!

Physical health:
-If my next doctor’s appointment goes well, PLAN on training/doing a half marathon in the spring ? or maybe more or maybe a few half marathons in the spring ?
-continue work at the gym. But try to continue consistency (more likely when will have car back).
-continue consistency with swimming yet aim for 20 minutes, then 25 minutes, then 30 minutes. (I hate swimming compared to running but it still feels gooooood).

Even though these are things that I are not completely void in my life, they are all values that I wish to improve on. And they are probably one of the most simplest ones to start out with.
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