Recovery Nation

yes i was very tempted to do it now. all alone. no one awake.

but i was trying to get back to the reason of why i wanted to do it now.

the idea...about this cookie...i probably should revisit that lesson again on habituation and time but i'll try my best now...

the idea that as i grew up...i'm pretty sure i always felt alone...and instead of dealing with this maturely such as keeping my life busy with different goals to achieve and enjoying time with others...i didn't think like that. i escaped to fantasy land and this pornography was a perfect outlet for enjoying intimacy. for feeling like i could enjoy myself and could be happy at least for a bit. but it's just so weird because i was creating this allusion that i was enjoying all of this and having all of this fun by literally imagining i was doing these things with these porn girls but i actually wasn't at all! i wasn't enjoying a damn thing with anyone but myself. how weird.

and i just relied on this emotional outlet for me to enjoy my life. this one idea of imagining "fun" this cookie with other women when it was only me imagining things by myself. it's crazy. i think it's because i didn't have an outlet for creativity then unlike i do now and it was harder to control. but yeah.

i feel better. no more urges now. just going to bed. and i hope this is fine to post on here for my self help for random things like this because this helps to try to logically understand things. i was going to try to do lesson 21 tonight but it's late now and i've been very busy all day. i'm not sure when i will since i have a lot to do this weekend. i want to soon though :/

but more importantly, personally, i will do a yoga lesson this weekend! i can't believe how much i miss it already. i will do one saturday and sunday. maybe if i have time tomorrow i can do a lesson. i think i'll save the reading on my computer so i can just read it on my commute

so this is the lesson 22. i was kind of scared to do it and i'm not sure if i entirely understand everything...but if i understand the idea that the math is there to help me isolate the different parts of the cookie then i think i got it.



Ritual measured: masturbation

Primary elements involved:
Sensory stimulation (sight), orgasm, fantasy (delusional), suspense

Values assigned:
Sensory stimulation (sight): 3
Orgasm: 3
Fantasy (delusional): 2
Suspense: 1


Filters applied:

Sensory stimulation (sight)
Time:7*3=21 Is heavily focused on to reach orgasm.
Intensity: 7*3=21 Intensity is maintained as long as I’m visualizing.
Habituation:7*3=21 The result of a consistent change and need to fulfill this disgusting disease results in a continual change in the sight. I could tell when videos seemed not enough and real life began to seem appealing. I think this goes under sensory stimulation (sight).
21+21+21=63

63/4= 16

Orgasm:
Time: 9*3=27 The goal of the performed ritual
Intensity: 8*3=24 Intensity is high when orgasm is achieved.
Habituation: 9*4=36 The continuing change due to habituations maintains strong orgasms.
27+24+36= 87

87/4= 22

Fantasy (delusional)
Time: 2*2=4 Delusion is not heavily focused on in regards to time.
Intensity: 2*7=14 Delusional intimacy is maintained as long as sensory stimulation (sight) continues.
Habituation: 10*2=20 Habituation continues to change due to the sensory stimulation (sight), and it will never be fulfilled because the desire to FEEL intimacy through orgasms will always be present.
4+14+20=38

38/4= 10

Suspense
Time: 2*5=10 The longer the ritual is performed, the greater the orgasm.
Intensity: 2*5=10 Suspense is the resulting feeling created by the delusional intimacy and the sensory stimulation (sight).
Habituation: 3*4=12 The result of enjoying the sensory stimulation (sight) over a due period of time created the need for change in habituation, resulting in different and bizarre pornography.

10+10+12= 32

32/4= 8

it's just interesting to me because the delusional fantasy was one of the lowest scoring ones for me. the purpose of the cookie is to orgasm. yet i feel there is so much emotional desires underneath which drove me to achieve orgasm...for me, sadly, it is/was this idea of not being alone and to enjoy intimacy through pornography, even though i was alone.

i'm just confused because i know the whole point of this was to isolate the different elements and see which ones are the most important ones yet this just makes me feel that the delusional fantasy is not as important compared to the orgasm and the visual stimulation. i don't think i did my numbers that wrong, yet i'm just confused.

i guess that's it. on the surface of doing the ritual, there are elements which drive me to do it....visual stimulation and orgasm. but i feel that...well, why would i use these elements to achieve feeling good for a bit? and i personally feel it's this delusional/escapism idea of allowing me to not feel alone and to enjoy something with someone when i'm clearly not enjoying it with anyone.

i'm just confused because when i realized that pornography was a big illusion to me, it obviously became very important to me. however, this test shows that fantasy is not the reason why i do it. at least on a conscious level.

this lesson has just confused me a bit because i feel that fantasy is an important element if not the reason why i masturbate, yet i guess there were other elements that ALLOWED me to achieve my fantasy.

ah...yes yes yes i figured it out! i think that's it. i think the end result, behind the idea of achieving pleasure, is creating a fantasy world for myself...enjoying feelings and my mind perceiving that i am enjoying these relationships with others when i am clearly not! and that was the big goal.

and i was able to achieve that goal through visual stimulation and orgasm. ah, makes sense. now i understand the importance of these elements more!

and i had a weird nightmare last night on pornography. yeah, it was my nightmares coming true...i was looking at porn and masturbating. but then i woke up this morning and have been, even though i am stressed, have been dealing with it and am still doing well overall.

it's like i had a dream where i felt i had no control and then i enter my reality and i do feel like i am in control. interesting.

work time now.

it's very annoying that i'm at the library working on my screenplay and i'm having a bad day and ladilala of course i'm tempted to look at porn.

it's really true that these values...even though they have really been filling up my day and giving me little time to do other things...it's really necessary. you do have to take a proactive approach to solving this. and it's funny...when i'm down on days like this...i just don't even want to go swimming! but i know i will. and i know i've made swimming a better value for myself because i'm increasing the distance. i would LOVE to do yoga today but i have such little time now and i do have to go bed early since i have to be at work early early tomorrow morning. i wish i could do a RN lesson tonight since i was planning on it but...i actually might.

but i must work on this screenplay first ok ok ok!!!

what can measuring the compulsive rituals have in my life?

well, let me think if i can fully understand what i just read. i think i'm a little confused with the idea of the elements involved which make up the compulsive ritual. i know that the elements that the lesson is referring to the sexually compulsive wheel such as danger, fantasy, suspense...but i thought these were all o f the elements that were part of my cookie when i was masturbating.

but from the example about Vicky, I think I have an understanding.

it's basically identifying the different elements that lead to the final act of orgasm.

"In assessing your behaviors, the focus is mainly on the separate elements that make up a 'single act'."

I like this. If I'm correct, it is basically identifying the different elements that triggers the urge to masturbate.

if i am correct with this idea of measuring compulsive rituals, then this would be an excellent way for dealing with emotions.

for example, today has been pretty rough for me. a lot of things went wrong. and, ironically, i INSTINCTIVELY had an urge to masturbate. a desire to look at porn.

so basically looking at porn was my way to make myself feel better immediately. it's crazy. it's been my way to fix myself to make myself feel better for so long that...it's really sad that has been the only way for me to fix myself through something that is completely delusional.

so yeah. i was upset and down at my internship because of what i was having to do and i probably was overreacting, considering i have not masturbated in a while, and even though i have been enjoying a new set of values, the urge to masturbate is slowly creeping in again, and then this part time job that i was interested in says they are not hiring now, and i found out this girl i was interested in has a boyfriend. womp womp womp.

so there i was working on my screenplay when i just needed something to correct it all and make it all go away. and why not anything better than something delusional that i created?

it would be GREAT to know that when I am feeling down in life, that i can know what is happening with me emotionally and to pin point it with certain actions.

i think this is what it is about?

anyways i must go. i wish i can work more on this but i must try and get some rest!

To grasp the concept of how the different elements all come together to form clusters of stimulation that help you to manage your emotions.â€

so I just went back through lesson 22 and started to understand things better without being as concerned with the numbers.

an important thing i realized is...how much YOU really control in the ritual. how much the elements and the filters are intertwine and can easily fluctuate.

as it says in the beginning, it is very easy to be stimulated by very few elements...even one for example.

ah i get it too. i think a problem that i was setting myself up in understanding this lesson was i wasn't sure if it is for a set of acts over time or just one time acting out. i understand because in the lesson, i think it says it was referring to one time, which makes the filters a lot more simplified.

time basically refers to how long you are acting out in the masturbation while intensity refers to the threshold of the pleasure during the ritual. and habitual refers to the saturation point of that ritual...if it is a new ritual it will have a higher value because it hasn't been acted out that much and it will be very enjoyable. and because a new ritual is very enjoyable at first, you probably won't need too many elements and the filters of time and intensity are most likely short. ah wow.

"Because each element of the wheel is equal in terms of the potential stimulation it can produce, these numerical values will only be assigned after the elements of a specific compulsive act have been identified. "

yeah this basically reaffirms what i was saying before...that you can literally masturbate for the first time, and let's say the elements involved are:

sensory (physical) , orgasm, sensory (visual).

and let's say this is the first time the person is seeing pornography.

sensory (visual) would then be the primary, sensory (physical) the secondary, and orgasm the accessory because it is a result of the visual (sight). the goal of the person is to see pornography for the first time.

for sensory, habituation would be very high since it's the first time. the person could either view it for a long time and have it be less intense, or view it for a short time and have it be more intense....would intensity and time fluctuate that much? i'm not sure...i think.

for orgasm, time is short, habituation high, and intensity would be high.

for sensory (physical), habituation could be low if he masturbated a lot already or could be high if he never did masturbate, time could be high depending on the length, and for intensity, it could vary on...the intensity...but it would most likely be high too since the habituation would not be saturated because this is a new element for him...ah yes a new element for his masturbation.

because let's say he always masturbated through fantasy. and then now he was getting bored of that so wanted to include porn. and because of habituation, it created a whole new set of elements involved in achieving the same feeling.

so i'm understanding how you can basically pinpoint and separate and isolate all of the different parts that influence a ritual. i would write more but need to go to bed now.

well i was thinking more on lesson 22 and the different filters this morning. it really does make sense. i can think of some rituals where i would literally be looking at pornography for a very long time yet the intensity would be obviously low, yet the time would be high.

oh yeah. and i was thinking how my pornography progressed. one of my main goals for pornography was how i continued to want something more "real". even though it was all fake and delusional, i waned to increase the intensity of the delusion. i think at the same time this would be similar to changing the habituation.

ah yes i get it. i wanted a change through habituation to continue a strong intensity. such as i was even thinking about increasing the habituation to have it be real life as the strongest delusion. the habituation would then be very high, the intensity would be very high too, and time would...well it depends on the time.

but it's interesting because increasing it to this level would increase so many other elements of my addiction as well. danger for one would definitely be introduced as another way....i was about to take a huge leap into another world to expand my addiction. thankfully that never happened. need to read a lesson now.

Elements
Fantasy (delusional)
Sensory (touch)
Sensory (sight)
Danger
Suspense
Poly addiction
Intimacy
Orgasm
Stress
Escapism
Boredom
Accomplishment

Ritual 1
-After a heavy night of drinking in college, I would look at porn for hours as if I was enjoying my youth with others. I started off using my own laptop yet when I couldn’t use mine because of internet connection problems, I would use my roommates.

List of elements:
-walk into room drunk (poly addiction)
-make sure roommate is asleep before I get on his laptop (danger)
-begin looking through pornography for hours (fantasy delusional)
-finding the right video that I would achieve my delusion with (suspense)
-begin to masturbate (sensory (touch))
-achieving pleasurable, delusional state of intimacy (orgasm)
-clean up, after enjoying myself with someone (delusional) while not getting caught (accomplishment)

3 Fantasy (delusional).
Habituation: would be high if it is a new video that I am looking at.
Time: Would look at this for a very long time, so delusional would be rated as high.
Intensity: would depend on the habituation. If it is not saturated, then would be very intense. If it is saturated, would be less intense.

2 accomplishment: achieving intimacy with looking through videos.
Time: would be highly valued because I would be achieving intimacy (in my mind)
Intensity: would be medium afterwards after knowing I achieved intimacy that I believed was real even though delusional and not getting caught
Habituation: depending on what I’m looking at. If it is new…it would be very high. If not new…would not be high.

2 poly addiction: I am drunk!
Time: the more good drunk I am, the longer I would usually be looking and feel good.
Intensity: would generally be low.
Habituation: generally be low considering I would not experiment with different drugs but just with drinking.

1 danger: if my roommate would wake up
Time: would not increase. Would stay low.
Habituation: would not change the locations…it is inconvenient. Would be low
Intensity: would not increase. May increase the intensity if hear roommate about to wake up. But generally would be low.

1 orgasm
Time: would be the whole purpose of this. to achieve intimacy. The longer I look at the porno, the better it would feel when orgasm.
Habituation: would change pornography, changing intimacy essentially, to achieve same orgasm with different woman…even though I’m not actually achieving anything, yet my mind is fooling me into thinking I am.

1 suspense: looking for the right video or chat to help me achieve orgasm
Time: would be related with time. The longer I look, the greater the suspense is, and the greater the orgasm. That was the plan!
Intensity; would be generally high when I find the right video to achieve intimacy with Habituation: depending on the content again. If it is new material…may increase or decrease the suspense, which would result in a stronger/less strong intensity.


Ritual 2
Quick masturbation before class, before doing work, before entering reality and starting or continuing my day.

-I needed a “quickieâ€

Stressed from doing work
Have a desire to make myself feel better or reward myself (suspense)
Began to look at porn (visual sensory)
Masturbate (touch sensory)
Orgasm
Clean up and then continue working (accomplishment)

Come home drunk from a night out
Want to enjoy myself (suspense)
Began looking at porn on my friend’s computer when he’s asleep (danger)
Look at porn for hours (fantasy delusional), (visual sensory)
Began masturbating to video I find most attractive (touch sensory)
Orgasm
Clean up and feel proud of myself for not getting caught (accomplishment)

Taking a shower and want to enjoy myself more (suspense)
Find a lotion from the cabinets
Began to fantasize about attractive females I’ve seen (fantasy delusional)
Masturbate (touch sensory)
Orgasm
Clean up and feel proud of enjoying myself (accomplishment)

Bored and about to go to bed ye don’t want to go to bed without feeling good (suspense)
Began to look at porn for a while (visual sensory, fantasy delusional)
Find a video that I find most attractive
Masturbate, orgasm, clean up (touch sensory, orgasm, accomplishment)
Feel a little better that I won’t be going to bed without having fun

Drunk on a night out and want to make it more fun (suspense)
Go to a cab and find nearest whore house (danger)
Go and enjoy myself (sensory touch)
Orgasm
Leave and satisfied that I’m getting experience with girls. (accomplishment)


this is easier for me to just identify these emotional elements...

so yeah these are all parts of the "cookie" broken down basically and to understand which parts intensify how much and when and yadaya

Compulsive Ritual: Masturbation at Home

1) I am searching for jobs/internships on the internet and feel no urges.
2) I begin to feel discourage and doubtful of getting another internship/job and the challenging career I am pursuing. BEGINNING OF RITUAL
3) I began to feel upset at myself. I feel like a failure. Upset and doubtful if I will ever achieve my success or be a loser for my life.
4) I began to get a desire to just “look at pornâ€

1) I am searching for jobs/internships on the internet and feel no urges.
2) I begin to feel discourage and doubtful of getting another internship/job and the challenging career I am pursuing. BEGINNING OF RITUAL
3) I began to feel upset at myself. I feel like a failure. Upset and doubtful if I will ever achieve my success or be a loser for my life.
4) I began to get a desire to just “look at pornâ€

Last pornography viewing

1) I felt discouraged at work for what I have to be doing. It sucks.
2) I began to question if this work will pay off and if I will be successful in the future.
3) I become more discouraged and feel the road ahead seems so impossible. My dreams feel so tiny against reality.
4) I go through routines to help me feel better, yet I BEGIN to feel a desire for porn. For images to make me FEEL better.
5) I’m later (days, hours) searching for jobs on the internet alone at home.
6) I begin to feel discouraged again about my future.
7) I decide to take a “quick lookâ€

Last pornography viewing

1) I felt discouraged at work for what I have to be doing. It sucks.
2) I began to question if this work will pay off and if I will be successful in the future.
3) I become more discouraged and doubt I might be a loser for the rest of my life.
4) I go through routines to help me feel better, yet I BEGIN to feel a desire for porn. For images to make me FEEL better.
5) I’m later (days, hours) searching for jobs on the internet alone at home.
6) I begin to feel discouraged again about my future.
7) I decide to take a “quick lookâ€