|Castaway's recovery thread*
|Page 2 of 3|
|Author:||castaway [ Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:08 pm ]|
Strengthening my role as a husband.
-there are areas where I think IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m doing a good job. I think I know how to be proactive with helping to keep our relationship good. For example, I do try to do small things, like little love notes, flowers, etc.
-I think where I need to strengthen it are in these areas:
-HONESTY. As far as I know my wife thinks IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m honest. When I say I am going to be doing such and such, when she leaves for the night, or afternoon, to do whatever, I think she believes me. There may be a hint of her suspecting IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m looking at porn, but I doubt she would guess itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s fetish porn. But I also think one of the reasons she doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t bring it up is because sheÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s thinking ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œmen just do thatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Sat Nov 01, 2008 3:15 am ]|
Developing emotional maturity
-continue full steam ahead here, with professional coaching. Learn what this means and live it.
Overcoming/surviving personal struggles.
-I often get these pangs of worry and anxiety about something bad going to happen. I realized a few years ago when I lost my mother that there are some things beyond your control. I want to be able to steer my ship through these kinds of life crises, because they are coming, itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s just a matter of time. However, I want to develop a more healthy approach to worrying about them (for example, I often worry that something bad might happen to my daughter); sometimes I view this in relation to my addiction...I have worried that I may be ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œpunishedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Sat Nov 01, 2008 6:22 pm ]|
I have a sense of progress here in these proactive action plans. I did not write out action plans for all of my values. I consider these drafts and want to focus on those, especially boundaries, that seem to be the most important right now. For the time being IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m going to let these roll around in my head for a while and move onto the the next workshop lesson.
|Author:||castaway [ Sat Nov 01, 2008 6:54 pm ]|
In my situation, my wife knows nothing about my addiction. This is not to say she has not experienced the results of it. My moods, my lack of sexual intimacy, the time I have wasted (instead of using it to build up our relationship), and more, have all been brought into this partnership, without her knowing. She doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know how much better it can be. But she will.
The story really hit home and had a significant impact on me. Especially when I looked at it from ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œherÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:34 am ]|
Well, first I think I would still love her, so I would be willing to hear what she is planning to do. My gut reaction would be I would want to control her and know what she was doing all the time. I wouldnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t trust her when she told me she was going to do something...I would have to go too. I would be so hurt that she chose this over me...all those hours for porn, etc. rather than me. IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m not sure, but maybe I would feel like giving up; is it really worth it? She would have to prove to me that it would be worth it; that it will be even better now that she is in recovery; that all she was really waiting for was this opportunity to rebuild and hereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s how sheÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s going to do it...I guess I would also realize that I am a caring human being and, I think I would give it a shot. But IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m certain my trust would be so damaged it would take a lot of time and significant convincing to get me to remain on the team.
I really, really don't want this to happen (the reverse of course)...so I'm sticking to my guns to make sure it doesn't...
|Author:||castaway [ Wed Nov 05, 2008 6:58 am ]|
-establish a boundary of being absolutely honest with yourself and one of sharing your true self with the world around you.
I can get my head around this. I am going to attempt this. I think I understand what is going on here, because IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve dabbled in this kind of thing in the past; but I never committed to it, for whatever reason. I see that I have been using deception, in all its forms, to manage (mismanage?) my life, first with my wife, but also with family, friends, co-workers, whoever...
I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t want to do this anymore. I like the idea that when people see me, I am what they see and would guess about me. Is it almost like a kind of vibe? Something over time. Is it character?
I will use honesty to proactively manage my life. If a decision comes up...do I need to use deception as part of the process of making that decision? If I do, I must change how I make that decision. Make my decisions based on my value of honesty.
I am deceiving foremost, my wife and daughter, my family and my friends. Why? To protect this secret I have been holding in forever. If I came clean, I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know what the outcome would be. My guess is my wife would stay with me, but I think it would damage our relationship if she found out I wasnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the man she thought I was. At this point IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m want to carry out in recovery without having to divulge this information, perhaps keeping the door open to talk to her a little at a time, as I get healthier and healthier.
I am not going to continue to deceive my wife. I am going to develop into the the honest person I want to be.
I also pledge to be honest with those I am working with in this program. I am not just going throught the motions, and feel very deeply that I have been honest so far, as hard as it was to admit some of the things I have. I know now how necessary this is. My saying something and assuming I understand what it means, can be an eye opener for my coach who can help me decipher it. For example, Jon could ask me a question and within my answer, my honest answer, he recognizes something that I do not, something he can help me with; this is where I believe honesty in this program will be very valuable. Not just for that, but I think itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s important. Not sure if that makes sense...
For me, my porn is on the computer and IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m usually careful about making sure it stays there online. I still have some time left on a cllip site. I have burned downloaded movies, and kept them hidden. But I usually end up getting rid of them after a ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œsessionÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:16 pm ]|
IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m so glad you put this in...excellent reading and came right when I needed it. Awareness of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œmeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:02 pm ]|
First, I am not sure what the PRIDE workshop is, written there at the top of the page. Did I miss something?
1. The patterns that I currently recognize in myself in relation to a healthy recovery are:
-doubts do pop up, I have to admit. As IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve written, my biggest worry is when an explosion of urges hit. But I still feel confident more than doubtful.
-I do find a certain amount of relief in having someone ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œunderstandÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||CoachJon [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:54 pm ]|
re: " I am going to fix this before that happens"
I so hope that you do. For several reasons. One being your wife...and affording her the opportunity to know and love you as you are--and not as you project yourself to be. Two being your marriage--and the knowledge that depth and intimacy just can't be achieved without such honesty. Passion? Yes. Love? Yes. But not true intimacy. And three, because I know that of all the obstacles that lay in front of you making a permanent transition from addiction--this is the biggest. This is the one that, until you have addressed it, you may be able to make intellectual progress...you may be able to make behavioral progress...but you will NEVER be able to destroy that dual-identity that harbors the roots of addiction and so, you will always be vulnerable. And, you will be unable to experience the confidence, peace and serenity that only those living an integrated, values-based life can achieve.
re: "I am going to fix this before that happens."
Yes, the same statement twice. Because your concept of 'fixing this' is to more deeply ingrain the roots of the addiction and deal only with the symptoms...I wanted to address that separately. This 'close your eyes and pray that nothing is discovered' approach comes with a deep cost--and that is IF you are 'lucky' enough to keep your secrets hidden. Devastating cost if you are not. So, recognize that when you say, '...But IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m certain my trust would be so damaged it would take a lot of time and significant convincing to get me to remain on the team. I really, really don't want this to happen (the reverse of course)..." is to say, 'I don't want to take responsibility for my actions. I just want a fresh start. A mulligan. A do-over. That is the mindset of a child, not a man striving for maturity and to take real control over his life. The mature man would realize that, BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what he has done, he will willingly accept to walk that long, more emotionally difficult path because that is the ONLY path to health. The other one will at best, lead to stability.
This will be the last I share on this...unless you find yourself ready to talk with her. Then by all means, involve me.
re: "IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve dabbled in this kind of thing in the past; but I never committed to it, for whatever reason."
You see, you don't have this luxury anymore. You no longer have the luxury of brushing past such potentially deep insights with 'for whatever reason'. It's time to start finding reasons. Exploring reasons. Even if they are wrong, it's time to start really seeking out such answers. Why have you had a hard time committing yourself to such things? I imagine that there are some potentially powerful insights to be had in such an exploration.
re: "the PRIDE workshop"
That was the OLD name of the workshop...but too many people got caught up in the interpretation that all pride is bad and so, missed the forest through the trees. Any reference to the PRIDE workshop was just an oversight as we launched the new. I will do a complete search and replace when we renovate the site starting on the 15th.
|Author:||castaway [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:39 am ]|
Thanks for your comments about absolute honesty and my wife. This part is freaking me out, but I understand what you are saying, that I can recover without telling her, however the recovery will not be a "full" one(the addict will remain)...anyway, that's the way I'm perceiving it. It's a bit of a downer; hopefully I will get the strength and skills needed down the road to tackle this part of the problem. I am going to try to remain honest and transparent with her though, from now on.
"It's time to start finding reasons." Yes, you are right. I am going to do that, and start exploring them. WHY am I having such a hard time to commit to such things? Could it be that I really don't want to let this addiction go? Is the addicted part of me, the me I want to get rid of, going into panic mode, kind of like it did last week, when it threatened to sabotage my first week in this program? Today, at work, some urges crept up inside me, this after posting a workshop entry above...I feared it, and there it was...the break helped...but the thoughts kept coming...the old thoughts...I was deeply aware I was in some kind of ritual, I knew I was in "the" place in my mind...I feared about how strong they would get...I started to allow myself to fantasize...then fought it...it crept back in...break....fought it...it went away for a while...I realize I desperately need some skills here...what am I missing? I thought of my values...is this the way someone who VALUES recovery and working on boundaries should behave? Someone who is trying to strengthen his role as husband and daughter...is this how I want to be behaving? This awareness helped, but not much...too ingrained, the old patterns...still, the good news is I haven't given in to anything I would consider a slip...for me it would be masturbating...I tried to think about the switcheroo that we talked about...that the external values I want and the internal values I'm holding (and don't want)...how does that switch take place? Is it slowly, over time. Did I do the right thing, questioning myself and thinking, is this what I really value, that I'm allowing these thoughts to control me?
Some rambling here, obviously, but writing this is helping.
I do want to explore and understand why I am not keeping the absolute honesty value a priority. It's probably because I've never said that's what I'm going to do and there is nothing else otherwise. I keep keeping the door open, saying, yeah that's good, be honest, but keep the door open so you can be dishonest once in a while. Is the key here to say, no, it's all or nothing? Seems like it. Wow. Another aha moment there. You're right, just writing this led ME to a powerful insight. Why can't I just make the bloody decision...be an honest person, no questions. Good you're done. Ok, I'm pondering this.
|Author:||castaway [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:23 pm ]|
Daily Monitoring. Since I am in personal coaching you have developed one for me, and I have been doing it for the past three days.
Reading over the exercise, I wonder if it would be possible to include a few more things on it. I understand what you said about not trying to do everything at once, and if this sounds like I am, then forget it, maybe I'm missing the point.
Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
(note: I didn't go further, because I'm not really sure if what I'm doing, after the break, is what I'm supposed to be doing...I'm waiting for more instruction in this area...)
|Author:||castaway [ Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:56 am ]|
Two reasons why I am the way I am:
1) practical reasons - the role that compulsive rituals play in my life; understanding leads to living a healthy life.
2) personal reasons - how past experiences/traumas have affected my value system; understanding required for healing.
-ongoing functional awareness of compulsive behavior will lead to the true nature of my addiction...separate urge from ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œmeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:10 pm ]|
manage emotions, value-based decisions, emotion-based decision-making is instant gratification, immediate gratification is main principle in compulsive behavior, IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m starting a new transition, my addiction has served a useful purpose, but there are other ways to satisfy that purpose...
...addiction is not found in the behavior itself, but in the emotional processes that surround that behavior...
...the thoughts that associate sexual addiction produce emotions...feel better...reliance on thoughts and fantasies grow...my real values become distorted and actually produce stress...separation from core values has taken place...my fantasies become associated with who I am...it takes more and more fantasy to maintain the same level of comfort...masturbation comes in and with it, a whole new set of behaviors...
Positive effects of my addiction...
-itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s fun and easy to think about, it letÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s me take a break from the real world, where I have to think about things that usually arenÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t fun and easy; it comes natural and one thought flows to the next
-IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m in another world, nothing else matters, so I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t have to deal with that, just the high IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m getting from being in a ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œsessionÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||CoachJon [ Thu Nov 13, 2008 3:20 am ]|
re: "WHY am I having such a hard time to commit to such things? Could it be that I really don't want to let this addiction go?"
That is exactly where I would be searching right now. Just as an addiction involves the development of a 'dual identity', so too does recovery involve those same identities. The social one--which desperately wants to change; and the secret one--based on immediate gratification--that needs that security blanket to exist. And so, it should not be a shock to you that you want to recover on a social level, but don't want to uproot the very deep, personal connection that drives the addiction. With the social recovery, you focus on abstinence and a lack of compulsive ritual (weationship with god. However, I vow to ensure that I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t close the door to spirituality but seek out opportunities to explore and to question.
Develop, Grow and make a positive impact ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ he strived to maximise his potential and the positive impact he could make.
I will seek to make a positive impact with my life and continue to develop to maximise my potential.
So for example I want to continue to develop by skills, abilities and competencies in my career as a manager. I want to seek to always do the best job that I can do (whilst living a balanced life) and question when I am not doing this. To analyse and consider why? To be proactive in resolving these issues so that I give it my all?
I want try to demonstrate integrity in the workplace and be fair in my dealings with others ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to give the right level of attention to the things that are less visible, as well as to those that are apparent to all. I want to have integrity in what I am seeking to achieve and to carefully analyse the outcomes required. I want to constantly strive to seek out opportunities to grow and develop my competencies in the work place and to be the best that I can be at my job.
I will try to build a life of choices particularly with financial and vocational so that should opportunities come up or the time is right to proactively seek new challenges that will allow me to develop further or make a bigger impact I can choose them. I will endeavour be open to new opportunities even if they take me outside my comfort zone (including my pastimes).
I will learn from those around me. Role models will be important source of inspiration, energy or by providing an example of the aspects of their lives that I can learn from.
I will seek to choose hobbies and past times that are both challenging and enriching for me and others in the long term. For example, to seek out challenges and opportunities to grow whilst building relationships. That gives me joy and nurtures me and recharges the batteries. This may include gardening/ growing vegetables, nature, sport, golf or one off events.
I will seek to do some things in my free time purely for the joy they give and not necessary because they will give an end result or if they could be hobbies for life (not all or nothing).
I want to seek to share what I have learnt and the sources of joy in my life with others as appropriate. I will to try to help others and to make a positive impact on their lives when I can. This is both in the day to day relationships, the causal acquaintances and the opportunities in the wider community. I want to give this freely and generously as my energy levels provide but ensure that I do not loose sight of the small day to day things (which make a huge difference) by doing the bigger gestures. I want to seek to give quietly and discreetly based on the value that it gives and not because of how much it would be noticed.
A life thatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s balanced and Sustainable.
I will try to live a life that is balanced and sustainable for the long term (not an all or nothing approach) . I will always strive to live a life based on a range of values (not a three spoked wheel or an all or nothing approach to life). I will ask the question - is my life in balance? Is my life in harmony? If I continue on this path what will be the likely outcome and what will my legacy be? Will it lead to a fulfilling and rich life in balance, in harmony?
I will seek to remain physically fit but to make choice that are balanced for all round fitness and long term well being. To seek to be not just strong but also flexible and fit. To embrace total fitness both physical and mental. To build in time to reflect, be quiet and to develop. To ensure that I find time for all parts of a healthy development ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and artistic. To eat a diet that is balanced, not focused on limited food choices and gives the great joy that can be experienced with great food.
To seek out challenges and opportunities to grow and develop both big and small ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ daily, weekly monthly and yearly. I will live a life that is balanced between the hear and now and the future, a future based on a clear vision and not on fear.
I will strive to continuously develop my life management skills and to build my identity on the values that I hold dear. I will try to never blindly follow a path ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ I will analyse and question. To try and ensure that the path is right for the long term and that it is sustainable, realistic and balanced and not narrow and extreme. For example, I will try to always have a flexible and adaptable road map/plan/goals of were I am heading. That this path will allow me to maximise my potential (skills and abilities) and to make a positive impact. I will seek to do this with the smaller daily decisions right through the spectrum to the large life changing decisions. So for example this mean that I will review and question ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ am I spending all my wisely (work, alone or doing one activity). I want to find the balance between sharing time with others and time alone.
MY TOP FIFTEEN VALUE LIST:
I have amended by values based on the values made and the extra work I have done to my vision.
1. TO CONSTATNTLY STRIVE TO DEVELOP AND SUSTAIN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH (TAKIN CARE OF YOURSELF)
1. To continue to actively seek, develop and apply insights and tools that enable be to strive towards increased emotional maturity.
2. To build in time to reflective and be quiet/peaceful
3. To ensure that I find time for all parts of a healthy development ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and artistic ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“to be well rounded in my pursuits, hobbies and activities ( mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and artistic).
4. Choose hobbies and past times that enrich me and others in the long term ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ engage in rewarding and renewing pastimes. That give me joy and nurture me and recharge the batteries This may include gardening/ growing vegetables, nature, sport, golf or one off events and developing a connection with nature
5. Seek to do some things in my free time purely for the joy they give and not necessary because they will give an end result or could be hobbies for life ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ seeking joy in my pastimes not the end result.
6. I want to find the balance between sharing time with others and time alone
7. To ensure that my life has meaning from a range of values (it is not a three spoke wheel!).
2. Strengthening my role as a partner to j.
1. Strengthening my listening skills and being a good listener.
2. I want to try to be less judgemental and more forgiving
3. find and protect time and activities which build our relationship
4. seek out adventures, opportunities and experiences that keep the relationship exciting and fresh
5. To develop sexual intimacy with J.
6. to encourage more and criticise less ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to be an encourager
3. Providing quality in my work
1. to strive for and develop competency in my field
2. I want to seek to always do the best job that I can do
3. To be proactive in resolving these issues so that I give it my all
4. To be trusted and dependable when the demands placed on me are realistic
4. Physical health/beauty
1. Seek to remain physically fit but to make choice that are balanced for all round fitness and long term well being. To seek to be not just strong but also flexible and fit ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to develop my all-round mental and physical fitness.
2. To eat a diet that is balanced and not focused on limited food choices. I want to seek to eat a diet that is balanced and healthy and gives the great joy ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to eat a varied, balanced and enjoyable diet.
3. To embrace total fitness both physical
5. Strengthening my role as a son and brother
1) share quality and fun time with those that I care about
2) To be there for my family during times of need.
6. Friendships - developing and sustaining
1. Seek out existing and new opportunities to nurture friendships. Including being venerable and taking positive risks
2. I want to be loyal to my friends ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to be loyal in my friendship with others
3. seeking opportunities to develop meaningful friendships
4. share fun time with those that I care about
7. Personal growth, development, being challenged - to strive to reach my full potential
1. proactively seek new challenges that will allow me to develop further or make a bigger impact
2. open to new opportunities even if they take me outside my comfort zone ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to be challenged
3. Seek to make a positive impact with my life
4. To seek out opportunities to continue to develop myself so that I reach my true potential
5. To continue to actively apply insights and tools that enable be to strive towards increased emotional maturity.
6. To try to achieve all that I can with the gifts, talents and skills that I have been given and can develop (whilst accepting that we all have weakness and make mistakes but to continue to work on these areas).
8. To be fair to all
1. I want to be fair in all my relationships
2. To treat others as I would like to be treated.
3. To treat others with respect.
1. I am guided by my own values and not based on what may get found out
10. Experiencing fatherhood or Adopting a child (future)
11. Establishing financial freedom and choice
1. To achieve financial security/freedom/choices
12. Living with compassion
1. taking care of others in need
2. open with my feelings
3. I will be open and share as well as listen
13. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
14. Pursuing a life thatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s balanced and sustainable
1. A life based on a range of values (a multi spoked wheel) vision
2. A life based on a clear
3. seek to never blindly follow a path ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to analyse and question ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to develop a clear, organised and analysed path for my life
4. I want to try to always have a flexible road map/plan/goals of were I am heading
5. this means that I will review and question
6. Seek to make choices which lead to a balanced and sustainable life.
7. I will ask the question - is my life in balance? Is my life in harmony? If I continue on this path what will be the likely outcome and what will my legacy be? Will it lead to a fulfilling and rich life in balance, in harmony?
15. Creating a home
1. Creating a place was we can feel comfortable, relaxed and safe.
2. Creating a place that is comfortable, relaxing and welcoming to others.
3. Creating a pleasant environment.
4. Using my skills (including financial) to develop the house of our dreams in the longer term.
My action plans:
I have developed my action plans following the changes made to my values.
1. TO CONSTATNTLY STRIVE TO DEVELOP AND SUSTAIN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH (TAKIN CARE OF YOURSELF)
1. To build in time to reflective and be quiet/peaceful
2. To ensure that I find time for all parts of a healthy development ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and artistic ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“to be well rounded in my pursuits, hobbies and activities ( mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and artistic).
3. I will choose hobbies and past times that enrich me and others in the long term ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ engage in rewarding and renewing pastimes. That give me joy and nurture me and recharge the batteries This may include gardening/ growing vegetables, nature, sport, golf or one off events and developing a connection with nature
4. I will seek to do some things in my free time purely for the joy they give and not necessary because they will give an end result or could be hobbies for life ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ seeking joy in my pastimes not the end result.
5. I want to find the balance between sharing time with others and time alone
6. I am going to seek to regulate my sleep patterns so that I do not wake up tired. (I.e. not go to bed so late). I will also appreciate that there will be occasions when I will want to go to bed later than the norm (but still will seek to have a latest time).
7. I am going to keep a diary of how much time I spend in front of the TV for later review. I think this will illustrate to me the importance of reducing this. Read the book you have on negative TV watching and its negative impacts and seeks to apply what you learn through action planning.
8. I am going to create an action plan in the next month regarding monitoring my mood/energy levels/mental health. When these are low or becoming lower than normal I am going to identify steps and actions that I will take to restore. I appreciate that life takes over and this is often during the busy periods/those times I am in automatic pilot so I am going to review and come up with actions regarding how I can be prompted to do this. I want to become more aware of my warning signs.
9. I am going to seek to develop an action plan when the requests being placed on me in the workplace are unrealistic and impacting on my self esteem. What steps will I take to manage this?
10. I am going to build a reactive action plans for the events that I know impact on my self esteem (e.g. being unfairly criticised by colleagues - particularly when senior managers).
11. I am going to consider those things and activities which enrich and recharge the batteries and seek to schedule time for these (e.g. looking at nature, walking in the countryside etc).
12. I am going to consider my support network and seek to build these into my action plans.
13. I am going to read the book on conquest of happiness and produce action plan for any insights that I can apply to my life. This is likely to be after the main recovery workshop has finished (I want to focus on the application of this knowledge during the workshop).
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Strengthening my role as a partner to j.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Improving/Maintaining Communication
o Seek to listen to J and build in times when we can do this (eating a meal, going for a walk etc).
o Develop my listening skills and resist the urge to comment and/or give problem solving advice (with the best of intentions). Do not belittle the things that j talks about. Understand that it will take me time to change the habits of a life time and recognise all the positive steps that I take as well as the things that have got to/need to improve. Understand that the primary way that you can be support j is not to make insightful comments but to demonstrate that she has been heard and that you empathise (the insights will be much more powerful when she makes them for herself).
o Seek to encourage, show thanks and show signs of appreciation
o Share with absolute honesty/absence of secrecy
o Express my emotions openly and spontaneously. Be venerable and seek to share the real me.
o Allow your self to be venerable and express my emotions (e.g. without fear of being judged or rejected). Understand that this will take time.
o Monitor J for signs of frustration and work to overcome this, not get drawn into it. Try to understand what is making J frustrated.
o Monitor myself for signs of frustration and engage in my action plan for anger/frustration when necessary. Try to understand what is making me frustrated. Produce an action plan so that we deal constructively with this without things escalating.
o Initiate meaningful communication on a daily basis. Don't sit back and wait for j to do it. Facilitate this by eating at the table, going for walks etc. Understand that j may use a defensive mechanism and be flippant to avoid doing this. Have an action plan to respond to this. Go at js pace.
o Develop mutual interests and friendships so that we have things to share.
o Answer J questions with more than one or two word responses
o If it is inconvenient for me to communicate with her at a particular time, communicate this to her (sensitively). But remember my priorities and when I do communicate, be fully engaged in the communication. Understand that she may get frustrated with this but suggest a time when we can discuss.
o Seek to keep the communication light hearted and fun as appropriate.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Organization, maintenance of the home
o Use maturity in problem solving each issue (i.e. focus on the solution not the problem).
o Remember that not all of life is emotionally rewarding. I will need to set aside certain times of my life to do what needs to be done so that such a burden doesn't fall to my partner
o Agree what I will do around the house
o Help with grocery shopping
o Share in meal preparation and/or clean-up
o Seek to discuss children ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ does j want them, approach to adoption etc. Understand that j may use a defensive mechanism and be flippant to avoid doing this. Have an action plan to respond to this.
o Seek to understand j on this and create a non treating environment. Go at apace which is comfortable for j.
o Seek to understand my own thoughts, needs and wants on this. Have an action plan in place to deal with my frustration should it arise.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Support, encourage j's personal development
o She wants to go the gym regularly
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Help her define regular, scheduled personal time to work out
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Encourage her health through compliments and endearment
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Loving Each Other
o Work as partners, not colleagues. This means going the extra mile for j, perhaps doing things which we had previously agreed that she would do, not asking more of her than is a fair share, on occasions doing more than your own fair share. Partnership means one team, collaboration and support
o Reach out to each other through physical touch ( massage, neck rubs, hugs etc).
o Being receptive to j initiating non-sexual physical touch/affection
o Offer verbal confirmations of appreciation, admiration, love
o Engage in actions that will affirm that j is special
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Written reassurances (cards, gestures, poems)
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Verbal reassurances
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Thoughtful surprises ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ present, concerts, ballet etc
ÃƒÂ¯Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚Â§ Spending quality time together
o Seek to model behaviours that we need to develop in the relationships
o Seek to understand any non positive games we play together and seek to resolve this together. Whilst understanding that this may not always be reciprocated.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Accepting Love from Each Other
o Acknowledge j's vulnerability, risk taking towards physical affection
o Initiate quality 'adult time' equally
o Actively seek out love and validation from each other
o Actively communicate unfulfilled needs of wanting to feel wanted, desired
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Developing Sexual Intimacy
o Find time to discuss
o Create a not treating environment to start this intimacy again.
o Experience sexual activity as a time of fun and enjoyment
o Actively pursue tenderness
o Release myself from the pressure of performance and/or always experiencing emotional depth
o Establish consistency with frequency of sexual activity
o Explore initiation, acceptance rituals together - not sure what this means?
o Evaluate own feelings through this.
o Seek to discuss and understand how j feels in this area. Understand that j may use a defensive mechanism and be flippant to avoid doing this. Have an action plan to respond to this. Go at js pace.
o Produce an action plan to understand your own thoughts in this area ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ what is/has held you back form marriage.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Sharing time
o Plan time for sharing quality time together.
o Seek out fresh opportunities for spending time together
o Seek out activities and adventures that keep the relationship fresh and exiting.
o Seek out shared hobbies that we could do together.
o Seek out new activities, experiences and places to keep the relationship fresh and ensure it does not get into a rut.
o Understand that at times j may be tired and just want to rest.
o Seek to develop your friendship with j.
o Ensure time is built in for fun, laughter and spontaneity
o Questions whether your actions and communications with j will foster that friendship.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¢ Understand each other
o Seek to understand each others fears, hopes and aspirations.
o Seek to produce our own goals and dreams together
o Create action plans together to help these dreams become reality.
o Understand j mindset of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œdonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t be optimistic about the future or you will be disappointed.
o Seek to keep the communication light hearted and fun as appropriate.
o Seek to encourage J (and affirm her).
3 Providing quality in my work
1. I will schedule time to start the touch typing course that I have enrolled in but have not yet started. I will schedule and build in flexibility because I am aware that job pressures will occasionally take priority.
2. I will schedule time to review my job description, to consider my role, my prioritises and to consider how I have worked to date/what I have done well and what can be improved (strategic). I will do this when my energy levels are high. I will seek to learn from my line manager and will raise this at my next one to one. I will seek to produce an action plan that I can review later.
3. I will review my organisation and time management. How do I record work and organise those elements of work that I need to refer to frequently? What is working well? What needs to be improved? I will seek to produce an action plan that I can review later.
4. I will seek to celebrate what I am doing well. I will seek to leave the office for a walk/chart to C when I am conscious that I am in a negative thought process. I will build this time into my day when I am aware that a day is going to be particularly challenging.
5. I am going to take regular short breaks. Pre ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ plan these on busy days.
6. Evaluate which areas in my role I have genuine weaknesses and seek courses to improve this.
7. Look for role models/mentors in the work environment that you can learn from.
8. Seek the support of senior colleagues / colleagues when the requests are unreasonable/unmanageable.
9. Seek to develop my problem solving and decision making skills.
10. Seek to analyse what the energy sappers in my approach to my work, my role and my environment and seek to apply the insights that I have made.
4. Physical health/beauty and mental health
1. I am going to seek to introduce 5 new natural foods into our weekly diet. I will also try to expand by knowledge of nutrition and apply the insights learnt to improving my own diet.
2. I am going to consider how I can build time into my life for reflection and quiet and how best to achieve this. I am then going to implement an action plan on this and schedule this into my week. Walk? etc
3. I am going to reward myself by having a nice lunch or a treat on those days that I make a particular effort with the recovery workshop. I am going to schedule time for this.
4. I am going to seek to investigate and research 5 new exercises that I am going to build into my gym workout to give be a more balanced workout of all body parts (particularly the hamstrings after injury).
5. I am going to seek to expand my knowledge on all round fitness/flexibility and seek to apply it to my life.
6. To take pride in my appearance (including weekends/ when I am busy).
5. Strengthening my role as a son and brother to c.
1. share quality and fun time wit those that I care about
2. To be there for my family during times of need.
3. Ring home once a week when energy levels are high. I am going to give thought to topics to discuss before calling.
4. To offer my help genuinely as often as possible.
5. Go home at least once every 2 months (however for the next 3-4 months recovery will take priority.
6. I am going to spend quality time with my parents when home, walking and talking etc.
7. To focus on listening when home.
8. To seek to help mum and dad when home.
9. To be reliable ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ if I promise something I am going to provide it.
10. Actively seek out validation from my parents.
11. Listen when spending time with C.
12. To be open and share my feelings.
13. I am going to not to be too competitive when playing squash. I am going to seek to focus on improving my game and not purely winning.
14. Seek to meet up weekly (regardless of whether we play squash). However for next 3- 4 months recovery takes priority.
15. I am going to seek to share quality time with our partners ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ concerts etc.
16. Offer to babysit K and seek to play a full role in k life.
6. Friendships - developing and sustaining
1. Seek out existing and new opportunities to nurture friendships. Including being venerable and taking positive risks. I am going to invest time into achieving this.
2. To be loyal in my friendship with others. This particularly means being there for them at times of crisis. It also means being careful regarding what to say when feeling negative and respecting when someone has told you something in confidence.
3. Seek out new activities and opportunities to develop new friendships ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ golf etc. Review how much time I am spending on my own/with others ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ extend social network.
4. Review own approach to initiating friendships (not prejudging, only engaging when long term friendship is possible etc) and consider if I am receptive to this. Am I investing the time, energy and venerability? Understand that some friendships will be superficial in nature.
5. Seek to understand what being a friendship means and the different stages of friendship.
6. Seek to spend time with new friends with Jo as well.
a. To be open and share my feelings.
7. Seek to meet up every few months ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ seek to be the first to arrange this sometimes. Find the balance of sharing time with others/together to nature the friendship.
8. I am going to seek to share quality time with our partners and together ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ concerts etc.
9. Try to call roper once a month ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ consider topics for the conversation before ringing.
10. Look for opportunities to experience fun and laughter together.
7. Personal growth, development, being challenged (this is number 9 in values but I am going to put it here so that I can cut and paste the above
1. I am going to make the transition from recovery to health my number one priority and manage my time and energy to fulfil this.
2. Developing a healthy life will be the core priority throughout my life as it will underpin the achievement of all the other values listed here. It is a key component of the legacy/what I want to pass on to my children (should I have them) by what I teach them and the role model that I provide.
3. I am going to schedule in time to complete the recovery workshop (including time to reflect and to apply the insights). I am going to seek to safeguard this above everything else and make this my highest priority.
4. I am going to be sincere in my desire to complete recovery and to maintain a life time focus on building and evolving a healthy life. If I am honest this is what I have sort to all my life (on and off) but I now have the tools to develop and do this and I will be sincere in my application of this.
5. I am going to use action planning throughout my life to help me fulfil my potential.
6. As my energy levels provide I am going to proactively seek new challenges that will allow me to develop further, to make a bigger impact or purely for the joy and esteem of competing a new challenge. I will Knowledge that I need to balance fresh challenges with my energy levels and the strengthening of all my values.
7. Open to new opportunities even if they take me outside my comfort zone ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to be challenged
8. I am going to seek to find inspiration in those around me and the wider world. For example, biographies or colleagues or aspects of friends/family life. I am going to seek to apply these insights to my life.
9. I am going to be focused on the practical application of what I learn and the insights into building a healthy life.
10. I am going to set goals for the different areas of my life.
11. I am going to seek out opportunities to share what I have learnt on building a healthy life with others.
12. Ensure that I excel at the application of the information that I learn and not at learning/gaining knowledge without applying it. This is an excellent and important insight for me and something that I have learnt from the past. Action plans are going to be my primary tool for achieving this.
8. To be fair to all
1. To treat others with respect even during times of pressure/frustration.
2. To be fair to others in those situations where I am feeling impatient in a rush or were others make a mistake.
3. To show appreciate and thanks as appropriate.
4. To be fair with others even if there are financial consequences.
1. I am guided by my own values and not based on what may get found out
2. To really understand what I mean by honesty ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ complete the recovery workshop for insights into this.
3. Seek to be honest in my dealings with others.
4. Seek to be honest with myself in all matters (seek to get an understanding in what areas of my life you have not been in the past and learn from this).
5. To be honest with others in my sexual relations.
6. To be honest with others in all matters even if there are financial consequences.
7. Seek to not do anything that I would be not want Jo to know about or any future child to use as their model for behaviour.
8. I want to try to be fair in all my relationships (to treat others as I would like to be treated)
10. Experiencing fatherhood or adopting a child (future)
1. Seek to discuss children ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ does j want them, approach to adoption etc.
2. Seek to understand j on this and create a not treating environment. Go at apace which is comfortable for j.
3. Seek to find time to understand my own wants and needs in this area. Create and action plan for achieving this.
4. Seek out other opportunities to fulfil this need if it can not be met through having children.
5. Agree our joint dream and goals in this area and action plans for achieving this.
11.. Financial stability ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ to achieve financial security/freedom/choices
1. I am going to seek out a recommendation to see a financial advisor.
2. Make an appointment with a financial advisor.
3. Ensure appropriate records are kept and make schedule appointments for the reviewing of these.
4. Learn more about financial matters (e.g. particularly pension and build a resource library on this).Seek to apply the insights I have learnt to my own life.
5. Review my pension provision and whether I should seek to buy extra in my final salary pension with my stakeholder pension.
6. Produce an action plan for establishing our next round of and future financial goals.
7. Ensure that I set up a higher interest savings account for the short term surplus funds.
8. Review how I want giving to play a part in my plans.
9. Seek to develop a budget for savings and spending etc and monitor appropriately.
10. At the back of my mind I have ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œdevelop my own financial independenceÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
|Author:||castaway [ Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:19 pm ]|
Define the five rituals I will most likely face in the next two years. Develop an action plan in five minutes or less...focus on immediate action I will take...the anticipated emotions I will feel after I engage in that behavior...and the likely mind games I will play to get me to abandon my values based decision.
1. Ritual: I suddenly find myself in an overwhelming need to act out after allowing myself to scan on the streets, on my way home, knowing I have the evening to myself.
I will unlock the door and I wonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t go to the computer. Instead I will take the dog out for a walk. The anticipated emotions are that I will most likely feel good that IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œdoing the right thingÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
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