|StevenM's Recovery Thread*
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|Author:||CoachOsborne [ Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:44 am ]|
So how are you getting on with your recovery now? Sometimes it can be hard to re-focus after a slip or relapse. I know all about these challenges and have become an expert at overcoming them
The important thing is to stay focussed on health and keep working the lessons. Sometimes I really had to force myself out of the rut, but it was well worth it in the end.
Let me know how you are getting on. I'm happy to support you to the best of my ability.
|Author:||StevenM [ Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:05 pm ]|
|Post subject:||I know I need to press forward|
Hey, thanks a ton for even asking. I've had a tough time refocusing. As you suggested, the relapse hasn't helped and I've found myself sort of forcing all of these problems from the front of my mind -- you know, like pretending that nothing's wrong. Truth is that I hate that I've got these problems and I love pretending I don't.
However, I know that living in denial is an unending cycle of binge and purge and that I feel my best when I'm working my values to feel good.
I've also been focusing all of my free time on other (non-porn) things -- almost obsessively, I think. An avoidance technique to enable further relapse?
I think so.
I'm just trying to remind myself that it's easier to be a whole, complete, single-minded person dealing with addiction instead of splitting myself into a ton of personalities -- some enabling further relapse, some full of shame, some straight avoiders -- Does this even make sense?
I think I mean this: when I work on these lessons and subsequently use what I learn throughout my week, I feel a little lousy, but I feel like myself.
When I porn surf and avoid my recovery I feel a little bit better during the week, but I feel a constant mental struggle with my identity and reality in general.
So I guess THAT'S how I'm doing. Really, thanks again so much for asking.
|Author:||CoachOsborne [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:30 am ]|
"I've also been focusing all of my free time on other (non-porn) things -- almost obsessively, I think. An avoidance technique to enable further relapse?"
This reminds me a little bit of the old line "Don't think of a blue Elephant!".
What happened when you read that? You had to think of a blue Elephant right? It's good to focus on (non-porn) things, but just the way you say it tells me that, for you, this is part of the problem. It's all coming from a kind of inner desperation that says something along the lines of "I must not look at porn". Am I right?
It's the "Whatever you resist, persists" formular. And it's the wrong focus. This all about shifting your attention away from addiction, and onto your vision and values. So just be honest with yourself here. Where is your attention most of the time? If you are still focussed on avoiding porn, then you will need to take action to re-focus. In doing this you will have cleared a major roadblock in your recovery process.
"I'm just trying to remind myself that it's easier to be a whole, complete, single-minded person dealing with addiction instead of splitting myself into a ton of personalities -- some enabling further relapse, some full of shame, some straight avoiders -- Does this even make sense?"
You are procrastinating here. Keeping yourself in a mental spin. Searching for solutions in your mind, when in reality you know that you are avoiding engagement in your recovery process. Procratination is something I know well, as do most addicts. You can't allow procrastination to interfere in this way. If you do, you will continue to struggle in the way you have been and will fail to really reap the rewards of recovery.
I have been direct here because you are at a tipping point right now. You can either take my feedback onboard and re-enage in your recovery process. Or, you can continue the way you are doing. If you do continue the way you have been, you will find yourself back in your old ways sooner or later, and it will be harder to enagage in any recovery process in the future. So challenge yourself to make a decision on which path you will take, and then take it and take the consequences.
I wish you well whatever you decide.
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