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PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:37 pm 
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Posts: 20
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change.
I’ve tried unsuccessfully to recover several times, including a previous attempt with this workshop previously, that I never accomplished.
What has changed this time is that I want to act on the root of the problem, not on the symptoms.
I am a porn addicted with HOCD, and from the beginning I wanted to treat my addiction to overcome PIED and get better with HOCD.
What I never understood though, is that porn was a symptom, a defensive system to cope with my inability to manage my emotions (loneliness and need for attentions in particular, bur not only).
What I want to do now is actively commit to change my life for better, meaning my life style, my vision of life, of things.
Eradicate those self distruttive patterns that didn’t allow me to live a fulfilling life, to be more productive and to shine as I wanted to, that so far were my only way to manage my emotions.
2)This has been the thing that turned all the setbacks into binges, the idea “i fucked up”, that what’s the problem if I keep going a little bit more and binge, cause I am not normal, I don’t like normal things, I don’t deserve to have a normal relationship or a normal girl.
I am working on this with my therapist and with meditation, but the absence of a working recovery strategy let the judgment hit back eventually, making it a keystone in the vicious relapse/abstinence loop.
I am now willing to develop and keep working on a mindset that helps me with the judgement so that it doesn’t hold back my progress and recovery.
C) this is tricky for me.
I’ve always shifted (and keep doing) from “I wasted too much of life on this” to “I still have many months ahead even if I fail now” in each different phase of my life, so was letting my guard down.
I am now willing to give myself the time I need, this time not because I cannot wait to not have pied anymore, or a romantic relationship, but because I am doing this for myself and my life changing commitment, as long as I know I am genuinely sticking to it.

2)here is my list of reasons, I aim to change my life permanently because I want to:
Learn how to mange my emotions
Fill the void that my addiction made me “ignore” and that I was relating to the absence of a romantic relationship, but was not.
Overcome procrastination
Overcome responsibility avoidance and the escape from making choices in life, especially those that give a direction to it.
Learn to Love my self better and to accept the sides of myself that I cannot tollerate (like addiction, HOCD, some physical features, some sides of my personality)
Unlock my potential and do all the things I was too scared to do and get out of the comfort zone
Be more productive, build a healthy lifestyle that makes me feel alive, grateful for life and fulfilled
Learn how not to judge myself
Learn how to stand for myself and bring up my ideas and opinions even if the others don’t agree
Overcome HOCD
Overcome PIED, for the time I’ll need intimacy with a girl I am connected with
Succede in change my vision on certain fields, like women, meaning of life, what is happiness etc. Without fear the judgment of the crowd or my peers.

C) I had mixed feelings about this.
I was even jealous of that kid, I felt sad because accidentally something changed is life at some point, unfairly, anger for what happened.
But then came the “I want to fight to have that back, to bring thar child back, to reappropriate of my life”.
I was really remembering what my worries and thoughts well, it felt warmly good and melancholic at the same time.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 4:21 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Lesson 2 exercise, The Vision:
All of this started for my incompetence in managing my emotions (incapacity to be alone firstly), taking responsibilities and procrastination, so I want my new life to have roots in these values:

-Courage/Taking of responsibility
Courage to make choices and most importantly courage to accomplish them to the end, last year I set a goal, to get into the Psychology university.
My first choice is Netherlands, It is something practically doable, I broke it down to small steps checked out deadlines, fees, requirements and so on, I’ve even prepared a plan B of an easier to get but still satisfying university in my home country.
Still it is always like I sabotage myself somehow, and I don’t get to goto the end of a project. I want this to be my choice and path, studying psychology, do research and improve in my way the community I live in, no matter if I take 1, 2 or three more years that the deadline I set for myself.
All my life I have been like “you have to do something by the end of this September” maybe setting in a hasty way some unrealistic goal just so that I couldn’t feel guilty (or I could feel less guilty) in failing to achieve them, this time I don’t want it to be matter of time.

Emotional management:
I found out with my therapist the cause of developing strategies such as porn addiction or abuse of social networks, being the attempt to fill the void generated by my inability to mange emotions. This is way I want to pursue this value and master it, in order to become stable and balanced, not rely my happiness onto the others and learn to stay alone and enjoy, welcome and stay with all the feelings that staying alone means.

The previous two are the values I am particularly building my new life on, without them I think all the other values wouldn’t find stability.

Love:
I want to find a healthy relationship, so love is an other keystone-value in my life. For so long I’ve mismatched love for obsession, so I know that this one is not achievable until I will have learnt how to manage my emotions, I changed my mindset though, it’s not anymore something that I am obsessed with getting, for improving my life and making me feel like I share with (more like dump to)
the other person my problems and the weight on my shoulders.
My realistic expectations about my future love life are to eliminate all the casual sex, I understand that I might not find first shot the love of my life to build a family with, but the minimum requirement is that I have to be connected with the person I decide to share myself with, I don’t want to be anymore pushed by the obsession and fear to be alone, going crazy for the first girl that gives me the chance to

Productivity/Knowledge:
I want to cut my porn addiction off my life (I’ve relapsed after lesson one) replacing it with more fulfilling habits, all healthy and productive, taking the courage (here the values that comes back again) to do start all the activities that I was too scared to so as a child, learning an instrument for instance, doing a sport, taking dance or singing lessons.
Now I am focused on learning languages (I learned English already and I am now focused on French) that along with psychology is my other life goal

Integrity/Justice
I want once and for all to be what I say I am and be to myself the same the others perceive me to be.
This is so hard in such context as nowadays society where everyone takes advantage of the honest ones, so I’ll pursue this value without making a fool of myself, but trying , in my daily and overall, to make the right thing according to my moral code, even if it means the harder thing.

Creativity
As a kid I’ve always been super creative and I want to release that potential even more.
I want to do this letting go of the peer/society brakes and judgments, having total trust in myself.

I don’t know how to call this value but the “not being judgmental towards myself”/compassion.
Learn to accept my flaws, to love myself and be compassionate towards me and the others, not letting the judgment to stop my progress in this workshop and in my personal growth

Happiness
This is maybe the most important, I commit myself to the purse of happiness, from today doing my best to take care of myself and of my issues, not procrastinating actions that are about the self-care, physical and mental and put the focus on enjoying the little things, forcing myself to stop for a minute, take a breath and live the present moment.
For me happiness is a big thing to define, but to get it more practical from the abstract, would be to go to sleep knowing that I did my best for the day, to make my life better and to be productive, (even knowing that I resisted and didn’t give in to my addiction would be a victory)

If I get to live my life pursuing my values I would like to see myself in the end of it as a researcher psychologist, who traveled around the world, saw things and confronted his with other realities, speaks 3/4 languages (I am living in my second country abroad and I am realizing it is possible to travel even if you don’t have much money) esteemed by his colleagues/equipe and loved by his friends and loved ones, as someone who did his possible to improve the environment he was living in.
By loved ones I mean a caring wife and well raised children with a family I did my best to put together and not neglect.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 4:21 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Lesson 2 exercise, The Vision:
All of this started for my incompetence in managing my emotions (incapacity to be alone firstly), taking responsibilities and procrastination, so I want my new life to have roots in these values:

-Courage/Taking of responsibility
Courage to make choices and most importantly courage to accomplish them to the end, last year I set a goal, to get into the Psychology university.
My first choice is Netherlands, It is something practically doable, I broke it down to small steps checked out deadlines, fees, requirements and so on, I’ve even prepared a plan B of an easier to get but still satisfying university in my home country.
Still it is always like I sabotage myself somehow, and I don’t get to goto the end of a project. I want this to be my choice and path, studying psychology, do research and improve in my way the community I live in, no matter if I take 1, 2 or three more years that the deadline I set for myself.
All my life I have been like “you have to do something by the end of this September” maybe setting in a hasty way some unrealistic goal just so that I couldn’t feel guilty (or I could feel less guilty) in failing to achieve them, this time I don’t want it to be matter of time.

Emotional management:
I found out with my therapist the cause of developing strategies such as porn addiction or abuse of social networks, being the attempt to fill the void generated by my inability to mange emotions. This is way I want to pursue this value and master it, in order to become stable and balanced, not rely my happiness onto the others and learn to stay alone and enjoy, welcome and stay with all the feelings that staying alone means.

The previous two are the values I am particularly building my new life on, without them I think all the other values wouldn’t find stability.

Love:
I want to find a healthy relationship, so love is an other keystone-value in my life. For so long I’ve mismatched love for obsession, so I know that this one is not achievable until I will have learnt how to manage my emotions, I changed my mindset though, it’s not anymore something that I am obsessed with getting, for improving my life and making me feel like I share with (more like dump to)
the other person my problems and the weight on my shoulders.
My realistic expectations about my future love life are to eliminate all the casual sex, I understand that I might not find first shot the love of my life to build a family with, but the minimum requirement is that I have to be connected with the person I decide to share myself with, I don’t want to be anymore pushed by the obsession and fear to be alone, going crazy for the first girl that gives me the chance to

Productivity/Knowledge:
I want to cut my porn addiction off my life (I’ve relapsed after lesson one) replacing it with more fulfilling habits, all healthy and productive, taking the courage (here the values that comes back again) to do start all the activities that I was too scared to so as a child, learning an instrument for instance, doing a sport, taking dance or singing lessons.
Now I am focused on learning languages (I learned English already and I am now focused on French) that along with psychology is my other life goal

Integrity/Justice
I want once and for all to be what I say I am and be to myself the same the others perceive me to be.
This is so hard in such context as nowadays society where everyone takes advantage of the honest ones, so I’ll pursue this value without making a fool of myself, but trying , in my daily and overall, to make the right thing according to my moral code, even if it means the harder thing.

Creativity
As a kid I’ve always been super creative and I want to release that potential even more.
I want to do this letting go of the peer/society brakes and judgments, having total trust in myself.

I don’t know how to call this value but the “not being judgmental towards myself”/compassion.
Learn to accept my flaws, to love myself and be compassionate towards me and the others, not letting the judgment to stop my progress in this workshop and in my personal growth

Happiness
This is maybe the most important, I commit myself to the purse of happiness, from today doing my best to take care of myself and of my issues, not procrastinating actions that are about the self-care, physical and mental and put the focus on enjoying the little things, forcing myself to stop for a minute, take a breath and live the present moment.
For me happiness is a big thing to define, but to get it more practical from the abstract, would be to go to sleep knowing that I did my best for the day, to make my life better and to be productive, (even knowing that I resisted and didn’t give in to my addiction would be a victory)

If I get to live my life pursuing my values I would like to see myself in the end of it as a researcher psychologist, who traveled around the world, saw things and confronted his with other realities, speaks 3/4 languages (I am living in my second country abroad and I am realizing it is possible to travel even if you don’t have much money) esteemed by his colleagues/equipe and loved by his friends and loved ones, as someone who did his possible to improve the environment he was living in.
By loved ones I mean a caring wife and well raised children with a family I did my best to put together and not neglect.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:00 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
My list of values:
Living an healthy life (not abusing drugs alcohol, weed, cigarettes)
Physical exercise
Determination in decision making (even choosing poorly rather than not choosing)
Love for myself
Courage, in making choices and accomplishing them
Maturity to do the right thing against the easy thing
Wisdom
Courage to stand my ground and speak up even if in contrast with the others’ opinion
Courage to confront people when needed
Being free of judgement towards myself
Improve my planning
Letting go of worries for things are not under my control
Emotional independence
Emotional balance (re-channel the passion I put in relationships and modulate it not to be too sensitive, nor too distant)
Discipline
Intimacy
Altruism( when it’s not at my own expenses, in that case stand my ground)
Being honest (according to my moral code, being fair and impartial but not stupid)
Living with integrity
Living with compassion
Being authentic
Being tenacious in my pursuit of getting in Psychology university
Being grateful to life/for life
Strengthen my relationship as a son
Strengthen my relationship as a brother to Corrado
Living an exciting and adventurous life
Committing to get out of the confront zone
Staying strong when I fail a challenge or a goal, trying to find the bright side, and rethinking it
Establishing financial freedom
Feeling masculine
Passionate about life
Being recognized as an expert in my field
Being admired by others for something meaningful
Being judged trustworthy
Being creative/ a free spirit
Being courageous in starting off new activities
Being connected to the meaning of life
Intellectual growth and depth
Spiritual development
Tolerance
Self-discipline
Being a good father
Being a caring husband

The list of negative values that I’ve extracted from my compulsive behavior:
Procrastination
Avoidance of responsibility
Emotional instability
Laziness
Lethargy
Insecurity
Low self confidence
Mistaking love for obsession
Depression
Numbness
Poor decision making


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2019 4:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Lesson 4 excercise:
Prioritization of my values, here’s my top 20:
1 love for myself
2 Determination in decision making (even choosing poorly rather than not at all)
3 Emotional independence
4 Emotional balance (re-channel the passion I put in relationships and modulate it not to be too sensitive, nor too distant)
5 Altruism( when it’s not at my own expenses, in that case stand my ground)
6 Being tenacious in my pursuit of getting in Psychology university
7 Staying strong when I fail a challenge or a goal, trying to find the bright side and rethink it
8 Feeling Masculine
9 Improve my planning/increase my productivity
10 letting go of worries for things are not under my control
11 Being free of judgment towards myself
12 Intimacy
13 Being honest (according to my moral code, being fair and impartial but not stupid
14 Being authentic
15 Living an exciting and adventurous life
16 being courageous and starting off new activities
17 L iving an healthy life (not abusing drugs alcohol, weed, cigarettes)
18 Strengthen my relationship as a son
19 Strengthen my relationship as a brother to Corrado


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 24, 2019 1:10 pm 
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Posts: 20
Lesson 5 exercise D, post the list of your top 15 values:
1 love for myself
2 Determination in decision making (even choosing poorly rather than not at all)
3 Emotional independence and balance
4 Wisdom
5 Altruism( when it’s not at my own expenses, in that case stand my ground)
6 Being tenacious in my pursuit of getting in Psychology university
7 Staying strong when I fail a challenge or a goal, trying to find the bright side and rethink it
8 Feeling Masculine
9 Improve my planning/increase my productivity
10 letting go of worries for things are not under my control
11 Being free of judgment towards myself
12 sexual intimacy only with someone I got a mental connection with (even if a ons)
13 Honesty (according to my moral code, being fair and impartial but not stupid
14 Authenticity
15 Living an exciting and adventurous life


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2019 10:34 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hi Nathan
A good start do keep it up recovery really is worth the effort that it requires

If you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Coach Kenzo thank you so much for your support you can’t imagine how important that is it to me what you said.
I will try to be more active ad post more even if it is not about exercises, I didn’t know the suggestion was that.
Although I might post less than 3 exercises a week I start one in a separate note and take my time to complete and review it, so when I post it here that work might be the result of few days of me working on it, I believe that looking at the same things that I wrote down the day before I can have some brilliant insight or find more naturale a point where I got stuck the time prior to that.

Is this a right approach? I have many questions and doubts but I was trying to ask the least possible because fore me some times it is easy to fall in the trap “I want the others to do the job for me”.

Here is my exercise 6 anyway.

9 Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state


Now I would like to have a coach’s opinion.
Point 1 (love myself), I really believe in that but it feels a bit idealistic to follow, I would like also to bring up the value “emotional balance” and break it down in a plan, but I don’t know how to make it practical, so If someone is reading this, I could really use some advice.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 6:14 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
01/12

So today I relapsed, I knew that something like this would happen on my way to recovery and I am gonna take this as a chance to apply my practical values.

Two days ago I masturbated thinking about a moment of intimacy with a girl I have been spending 3 days with and that I developed a beautiful connection with (we unluckily didn’t start a relationship because we lived apart), we only cuddled and kissed so I thought about that and about how the thing could eventually evolve.
I didn’t see that as a big problem (even though I got paranoid about my lower libido right afterwards or I was overthinking about few nofap issues such as if that slows my reboot down or stuff), I was driven by urges to make love, not to watch porn (or Is this just a lie that I am telling myself?) and that experience did not have anything to do with porn, no flashbacks or fantasy, nothing of this.

Anyway something that I observed was that what I read in the workshop was exactly there: a general sensation of emptiness, a void.
I had a bad day overall and stress overwhelmed me:
I felt lonely and not loved by my friends that never make a step towards me to keep in touch

People I work for (my hostfamily) kept asking for more and didn’t give me space during my day off,
demanding in a passive way rather than asking politely if I could do what asked

I am constantly broke; still a lot of stuff to pay,a bill came from the previous place I was living at,

I was sad because it is almost Christmas and I have no money to buy anything for my loved ones or friends and even though I try to stay present, this times it is really difficult not to get worried about the future.

So all of this and probably other reasons I forget to list down.

Anyway all of this and my lack of an emotional management plan made me feel something.
I was like there it is! The void, that thing that I am trying to ignore and to cope with pornography.
My brain was sending all the inputs and shouting at me “use porn” and I was totally aware of this.
Of course it is not really explicitly translated but I had the feeling that using porn was the only thing that would make me feel better, and so today I gave in to the chaser effect from yesterday.

Now usually comes the part of the judgment, of the thought of being doomed to never get “normal” or how I want to be, especially that “oh no now I am back to PIED maybe and if the chance to have a ONS will present itself, I’ll fail”.
This time though, I remind myself that I am not doing this to perform better at ONSs or just to cure PIED, but to change for a better life.

So I don’t care about it because I am not doing it for that reason, and I see that this is a lapse in a journey to health and to control of my life, in this way is not that big deal it used to be before (still I am not underestimating the damages of my compulsive behaviors but I am trying to concentrate in the root rather then the leave ).

I can proudly say that this time I have slipped after my longest streak of no PMO 15 days (now it sounds even stupid to talk about streaks and days) and I did really good in this two weeks, having especially in the last two days two extremely productive days, I kept going this week try to complete as many items out of my to do list and so I will do now on.

Of course I still feel empty now and like a shit, probably so will be for couple of following days, but not for my porn addiction, but for that void and emptiness I was talking about before that my porn addiction tries to make me ignore or escape from.

I feel like it is a tough moment for me, I won’t judge me as a looser as always but as a warrior who shed a blood drop in his fight and I will try, thanks to this workshop to achieve the necessary skills to develop a strategy of emotional management that will make me achieve my goal and withstand the strikes that life sometimes gives to us.

I am happy that I wrote this and it made me feel a bit better, doing this I tried to apply the value 7 “resilience” of my value list and also its related action plan.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 12:59 pm 
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Posts: 20
Thoughts about lesson 7:
I’ve read and assimilate the lesson and my goal is to post an update with 2 action plans/2 values a day for the next week, plus possible updates to the already existing ones.
It is very likely that I am gonna change something or that I realize that some of them need to be adjust, anyway here I start:


9 Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)
* Apply the rule of 5 mins, If a thing takes me 5 mins to get done, do it right away without putting it in the to do list

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state

5 Altruism “when it is not at my own expenses”

I was thinking that this doesn’t make, after all the sense I thought it had made to me.
It is clear that in a way altruism is at your own expenses because you sacrifice something of yourself (time, energy, resources etc) for someone else’s sake.
So I think I need to redefine this value in order not to act out ambiguously when it is time for me to get it practical.

So my new definition for the value of altruism is that it can be such, as long as it doesn’t clash with the value “love for myself” and self respect.



Emotional independence and balance
* Try to make decision for which I don’t rely fully or put all myself in the other person’s response
* Don’t let the emotional side take over the rational side when it comes to make decisions
* Picturing in my head scenarios of activities that make me happy even alone
* Put friends over girls even though I have the opportunity of having sex with the girls


10 letting go of worries for things are not on my control
* take 5 to do mindfulness meditation every time I am overwhelmed with some unpleasant thoughts
* If i cannot do to so because I am driving or with other people etc accept the thoughts, welcome them and put the focus on something that makes me stay present (smell, body sensations etc.)
* Find a practical thing to do (check the to do list for example) to shift my attention to something concrete


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:05 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
I wanted to add that I don’t know if it is a valium that I took yesterday, some times I take it in case of insomnia or anxiety even if originally it was prescribed for a back pain, or my putting out on something readable the thought in my mind, but I felt good today.
Usually I am destroyed even after a lapse, even though I expect a chaser effect for the next 3 days I didn’t binge so far (already a victory) and I am more lucid than usual.
HOCD is tackling me a bit today but nothing to unpleasant, just an old inappropriate and annoying friend to whom I have to welcome, hug and say that I am not interested for the thousandth time, just nowadays almost I get to smile to that friend while I say no.

I am gonna stick with the workshop and try to be more and more productive, thank you so much to everyone behind this forum for their efforts in trying to make better someone’s life!
(More to help them to do it themselves, even better)


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2019 8:00 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Updates on my action plans:

9 Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)
* Apply the rule of 5 mins, If a thing takes me 5 mins to get done, do it right away without putting it in the to do list

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state

Emotional independence and balance
* Try to make decision for which I don’t rely fully or put all myself in the other person’s response
* Don’t let the emotional side take over the rational side when it comes to make decisions
* Picturing in my head scenarios of activities that make me happy even alone
* Put friends over girls even though I have the opportunity of having sex with the girls


10 letting go of worries for things are not on my control
* take 5 to do mindfulness meditation every time I am overwhelmed with some unpleasant thoughts
* If i cannot do to so because I am driving or with other people etc accept the thoughts, welcome them and put the focus on something that makes me stay present (smell, body sensations etc.)
* Find a practical thing to do (check the to do list for example) to shift my attention to something concrete


2 Determination in Decision Making
* Use the pomodoro technique to deal with a decision making moment
(Sit down and set a timer where for 25 mins I think intently about that decision I have to make, then 5 minutes break, 25 of focus and so on), I am satisfied with the result or I feel I made progress
* Write down a pro and cons list and update it if I have any insights
* Write down a list of all the possible questions or doubts that are involved in the process of take that decision
* Look up the answers (either on google, ask to people I know etc.) to those questions

Wisdom
* Outward wisdom: Take 15 minutes each day to read or spend that time learning something new (a language, an instrument, a topic of general knowledge, politics and so on)
* Inward wisdom: Take 10 minutes at the beginning and at the end of day for mindfulness meditation, explore my sensations and emotions.


In addiction:
I was thinking about my choice in Psychology university, it is still good and I am still interested in the subject but I also love languages.
I had an insight, Psychology and Languages are the things that I want to cultivate in my life and I have to decide which one will be on the professional side and which one will be a strong passion.
I live in a city that gives a lot of opportunities for languages and cultural mediation and I am on my way to master my 3rd language, for psychology on the other hand I need to move to a bordering country and start anew without speaking that language, not that I would mind speaking it as the 4th one anyway.
I guess then is time for me to make a decision and to apply my proactive plans to this, and in case readjust my goal and update that value in my list.
I have mixed feelings about it cause I am sad to be undecided once again, but I am happy I had the insight between this two things, it came clear and straight, at last I am scared because I have changed the direction of my path many times already in life and that has absolutely some pros, but equals to instability as a con, which can lead to the shortcut of addiction: with this awareness and the tool I am trying to develop here, I keep striding face up in my journey to health.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2019 8:00 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Updates on my action plans:

9 Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)
* Apply the rule of 5 mins, If a thing takes me 5 mins to get done, do it right away without putting it in the to do list

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state

Emotional independence and balance
* Try to make decision for which I don’t rely fully or put all myself in the other person’s response
* Don’t let the emotional side take over the rational side when it comes to make decisions
* Picturing in my head scenarios of activities that make me happy even alone
* Put friends over girls even though I have the opportunity of having sex with the girls


10 letting go of worries for things are not on my control
* take 5 to do mindfulness meditation every time I am overwhelmed with some unpleasant thoughts
* If i cannot do to so because I am driving or with other people etc accept the thoughts, welcome them and put the focus on something that makes me stay present (smell, body sensations etc.)
* Find a practical thing to do (check the to do list for example) to shift my attention to something concrete


2 Determination in Decision Making
* Use the pomodoro technique to deal with a decision making moment
(Sit down and set a timer where for 25 mins I think intently about that decision I have to make, then 5 minutes break, 25 of focus and so on), I am satisfied with the result or I feel I made progress
* Write down a pro and cons list and update it if I have any insights
* Write down a list of all the possible questions or doubts that are involved in the process of take that decision
* Look up the answers (either on google, ask to people I know etc.) to those questions

Wisdom
* Outward wisdom: Take 15 minutes each day to read or spend that time learning something new (a language, an instrument, a topic of general knowledge, politics and so on)
* Inward wisdom: Take 10 minutes at the beginning and at the end of day for mindfulness meditation, explore my sensations and emotions.


In addition:
I was thinking about my choice in Psychology university, it is still good and I am still interested in the subject but I also love languages.
I had an insight, Psychology and Languages are the things that I want to cultivate in my life and I have to decide which one will be on the professional side and which one will be a strong passion.
I live in a city that gives a lot of opportunities for languages and cultural mediation and I am on my way to master my 3rd language, for psychology on the other hand I need to move to a bordering country and start anew without speaking that language, not that I would mind speaking it as the 4th one anyway.
I guess then is time for me to make a decision and to apply my proactive plans to this, and in case readjust my goal and update that value in my list.
I have mixed feelings about it cause I am sad to be undecided once again, but I am happy I had the insight between this two things, it came clear and straight, at last I am scared because I have changed the direction of my path many times already in life and that has absolutely some pros, but equals to instability as a con, which can lead to the shortcut of addiction: with this awareness and the tool I am trying to develop here, I keep striding face up in my journey to health.


Last edited by Nathan046 on Wed Dec 04, 2019 10:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 10:59 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Lesson 10 Exercise:

1
About my porn addiction I am lying to everyone but my therapist and one friend that found out about that peeking in my journal.
I have often asked some friends to help me out setting some restrictions on my phone, and told me not to give me the code even if I begged, but in that case I was telling them it was for my “social media addiction”.
So I am really ashamed of this because of the addiction itself, because of what I vision and because I compare myself usually to my peers at least and when the “sex” topic comes up I feel like I have never jumped into it because of my addiction and because “I am not normal” (e.g. the femdom stuff that I watch is not normal, I am freak because I cannot get off normally and so on) this are all the things I kept on telling myself, getting me down of course.
Even though I am working towards the awareness thar is not like that, that I am normal, even special and I have just made the wrong choices in my life, the mindset and idea of myself that I built is not easy to shift and it requires time.
I have even made progress with my addiction, but that what I was doing so far, trying to cure the addiction; now I want to get healthier and make progress with my life.
Anyway still it is difficult not to come up with excuses and not to deceive the others about sides of my personality I struggle to accept.
I think this answers to the first question of the exercises of lesson 10:
I am deceiving everyone but my therapist, just I didn’t go down to details of what I watch.
There is also two people who read my mistake my journal but I really didn’t talk or open up much entirely about my problems (HOCD and Porn Addiction contextualized as symptoms that help to cope with being undecided about life and my emotional unbalance)
And I am deceiving them because I don’t accept those sides of myself yet and I don’t want to feel thar vulnerable opening up so much.

3
As I mentioned before my therapist knows everything about my issues and it is also thanks to my therapy sessions that I have realized what was the role of porn and HOCD in my life.
That’s at least what I understood by doing “professional coaching”

4
I basically have nothing from the list but few porn website that I usually go and check when I masturbate with porn, they are not in a particular folder or in my browser’s bookmarks but I usually end up there when I look videos/pictures up, even though is not really a fixed thing.

5
Due to the “solo” style of my compulsive behavior, there is no one other than me involved in my acting out.

6
Internet: surf for porn, rarely erotic novels
Social networks : more rarely, I used to do it especially as a side way when I tried to set restrictions on my phone, thought it was worth mentioning though.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:22 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 20
Today I relapsed again.

This time it tackled me more than the last one, also because it is relatively close in time.
Shame is stronger and also the bad feeling all afterwards, but I am gonna take it in a mindfulness way and explore these feelings and emotions.
It is hard of course not to dwell in what I have done and I was disgusted of myself and of what I’ve watched right afterwards, but I am using my list of values as an anchor, in particular “being free of judgment towards myself” so I am holding on them to find clarity when I think I al getting lost.

Exploring myself I was kindly wondering about the causes that lead me to the relapse, the core of it might be the avoidance of responsibilities, I am maybe engaging many activities during my day and I think they are making me feel overwhelmed some times.

This workshop, learning a language, some physical exercise, and a course on course era on “learning how to learn”.
Since I am going for the approach of the to do list, I put in it the items that I want to check off everyday, but I’d come to term with the fact that is not enough to put an item in for it to be accomplished, If I take a look at the lists I have done lately there are some items that I keep dragging every day.
So I should really peel it off all the unnecessary, get it more practical and organize my self up a in a more efficient way.
Especially some tasks such as “check the opportunities that university in this city can give you” or other things from this workshop, overall everything that requires me to interact with the my inner core, causes me emotional imbalance.
So it is perfectly consequential that when my brain detects “uncomfortable tasks” , it inputs me to take on of the shortcuts.

Bottomline is, maybe I should spend a bit of time trying to figure out how to make my to do list work better and how not to get overwhelmed by the tasks that I assign me, maybe finding a system of prioritization of the items or trying to understand what I really want to do and what not, getting my focus on less things but done better.


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