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Author:  Recovery [ Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:55 am ]
Post subject:  Recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D7 Health Monitoring II -- Weekly, Exercise 35
A. Create my weekly agenda
1. Communication with my wife openly and honestly.
a. This means share every time I lust.
b. Talk from the heart not just from the head
c. If she is angry tell her we need to talk instead of avoiding her.
d. take breaks from work to have opportunity to talk.
e. If I am feeling insecure call some in my program, write about it , and share it with my wife.
2. Create balance between work and my relationship with my wife.
a. Take breaks during the day and use that time to share with my wife from the heart.
b. Relax on my break to be in balance to be able to share.
3. Respect my wife
a. Don't lust after other women.
b. Don't inerrupt while she talks.
c. Don't defend myself just listen. It's not my time.
4. Assess my overall balance during the Week
5. Have an awareness of stimulation this week from my values or artificial means.
6. Progress or regression relating to my top 15 values.

Author:  CoachJon [ Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:42 am ]
Post subject: 

Do not start this weekly monitoring yet. We will go over exactly how to implement what you have identified here--and what is still missing in our next session.

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:55 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M1;W4;D1 Measuring Compulsive Behavior Exercise 21
Ritual of watching Porn
1. Went to vedio store to rent X-rated movie.
2. Looked through all the vedio's reading the covers to see what looked good to rent.
Sensory (Visual)
3. I get aroused reading the covers.
Fantasy (Imaginary)
4. I get nervious renting the movie, I would not use my real name, I would pay cash and I used a fake address.
5. I would come home and take off all my cloths and put on a robe.
6. I would glance through a porn magazine to get more stimulated.
Sensory (Visual)
7&8. I would watch the whole movie masterbating the whole time but not coming to orgasm.
Visual/ Touch
9. I would rewind and go to my favorite scenes to increase the intensity.
Sensory (Visual)
10. I would have an orgasm.
11. Watching the whole movie before having an orgasm.

1. Suspense (1)
Time (2)
Intensity (4) 9/11=.8
Habit (3)
2. Sensory (Visual) (2)
Time (4)
Intensity (6) 30/11=2.7
Habit (5)
3. Fantasy (Imaginary) (2)
Time (4)
Intensity (8) 36/11=3.3
Habit (6)
4. Danger (1)
Time (2)
Intensity (2) 6/11=.6
Habit (2)
5. Suspense (2)
Time (6)
Intensity (4) 30/11=2.7
6. Sensory (Visual) (2)
Time (8)
Intensity (5) 38/11=3.5
Habit (6)
7. Sensory (Visual) (2)
Time (9)
Intensity (8) 52/11=4.7
Habit (9)
8. Sensory ( Touch) (3)
Time (9)
Intensity (9) 81/11=7.4
Habit (9)
9. Sensory (Visual) (3)
Time (9)
Intensity (10) 84/11=7.6
Habit (9)
10. Orgasm (3)
Time (10)
Intensity (10) 90/11=8.2
Habit (10)
11. Accomblishment (1)
Time (2)
Intensity (2) 6/11=.6
Habit (2)

TOTAL 42.1

Author:  Recovery [ Sat Sep 27, 2008 9:08 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M1;W4;D2 Practical Uses for Measuring, Excercise 22
A. What practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in my recovery?
1. By measuring my compulsive rituals it will help me see the paterns of the rituals so I can see the signs ahead of time so I can avoid a future ritual before it happens.
2. It will also help me see what emotions are involved with each element
within the ritual.
3. Most importantly this will help me see what I am trying to hide or run from and replace this emotional need by healthy means based around the values I am working toward.
4. Today I already started seeing that I had a negative emotion because of something my wife said to me today and I wanted to medicate some how to run from the emotion I was feeling.
5. I also realized I didn't have a replacement to deal with the emotion in a healthy manner but by just noticing what I was doing the feeling was less intense.

Author:  CoachJon [ Tue Sep 30, 2008 12:23 am ]
Post subject: 

re: "What practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in my recovery?"

Very good. I like that you made them personal. There are a few other (non-critical) potential uses--we will discuss these further in our next coaching.

Your work on the actual measuring of the elements was excellent.

Author:  Recovery [ Wed Oct 01, 2008 11:40 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D1 The Role of Emotions Exercise 29
I finished this lesson over a week ago and it affected so much emotionaly that I had to go to the next lesson before I could come back and put this lesson into the computer.
A. Describe the emotions that I experenced in this 15 minute exercise with my eyes closed and the thoughts that triggered them.
1. One of the pleasant thoughts I had was when my first son was born.a. I was in the delivery room when my son was born.I was facinated with the whole process and excited at the same time.
b. The doctors were taking care of my wife so I wasn't worried about her.
c. It was exciting to see his head appear. I knew my wife was experiencing pain but I was't in touch with that as much as the excitment of my son going to be born.
d. Then my son was born completly and there was a lot of blood but that didn't bother me because a new person was just born and it felt like one of God's miricles.
e. I was very excited and happy and very proud of my wife.
2. Another very happy time was when my current wife and I got married 21 years ago.a. I was so excited and terrified at the same time. I was excited because my wife is a very beautiful women both on the inside as well on the outside and we were very much in love.
b. I was terrified of the commitment and also I might make a mistake in the cerimony.
c. I felt so much in love.
d. As she walked down the isle I watched her beautiful face so bright and glowing and walking very gracefully she was my Angel.
With her long brown hair and her slender body in her beautiful wedding gown made me feel very proud of her.
e. After the cerimony I had to meet, it seemed like 100's, of her family
members. I was scared to death. Most of them only talked Spanish and I was very intiminated.
f. I was the happiest and luckiest man on earth.
3. Most tramatic situation
My 18 year old son was in a car accident and he died 3 days later.
a. When I got the phone call from the police department I was terrifed.
b. I was the one who went into the emergency room at the hospital and there were a number of other patients there and because his body was so swollen from the accident I could not recgnize him. I was hopeful that it wasn't him in that room.
c. Three days later they said his brain was swelling and he would become brain dead if we didn't let him go.
d. I was terrified to make that decision. What if he will recover and it is not necessary. They said the decision had to be done quickly because they could donate his organs to help other people to live.
e. When I was at his funeral I couldn't belief that my son who I love so much was in that coffin.
f. I didn't allow myself to get in touch with my feelings at that time. I was trying to be strong for my other two children, I was trying to be strong for my wife and his ex-wife who is his mother.
g. I did have surface emotions with some tears and pain but not deep feelings.
Today I allowed myself to really feel for the first time and this accident happened 20 years ago. I allowed myself to feel the grief and I began to tremble and my heart felt as though it would break. I felt this overwhelming pain in my chest from the grief. These feelings bothered me for a few hours after this lesson and then I felt a hugh pressure released from my shoulders.
Thank you for that gift coach Jon and RN.
4. This part had to do with a compusive behavior.
Before we got married the first time I made love to her.
The emotions I felt today were as follows:
a. I felt the excitment to be with her.
b. I felt anticipation and I didn't have any expectations and yet I didn't know where by us being together where the day would led.
c. I felt her response as I aroused her and my feelings today were I started shacking.
d. My body started trembling as my desire started increasing.
e. My body started moving as though I was making love.
f. My hands got sweaty.
g. I was lost in the feelings of desire and passion.
h. I wanted to masterbate, I felt a pulling to touch myself, but I didn't.
i. I wanted the intensity to keep increasing because it felt good.
j. I felt frustrated that I couldn't release myself from this sexual excitment I was experiencing.
k. I felt angry that these feelings had to stop.
l. I did stop the feelings and I was successful not to masterbate.
5. Assesing my anxiety
a. The most powerful and exciting extreme was when I first entered my
wife for the first time we made love.
b. The most powerful negative was when I made the decision to take my son off life support.
c. The least anxious state was thinking of my values, these were calm thoughts and I didn't experience any strong emotions.

Author:  CoachJon [ Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:44 am ]
Post subject: 

re: "I finished this lesson over a week ago and it affected so much emotionally that..."

There are two purposes for this exercise. One is to lay the early foundation for detaching your thoughts, memories, feelings (even physical sensations--though this is taking it to an advanced level), emotions, etc. from your physical self. To begin to get an idea of what your 'core identity' really is. How your physical self is a means of communicating with that core identity. That is why you are asked to close your eyes and not open them. That is why you are asked to focus on JUST those internal processes.

The other purpose is to begin laying the foundation for emotional maturity. To move beyond addiction, you must develop the skills to experience the limits of any emotion (with the possible exception of terror--which is beyond the normal human condition to manage) and manage those emotions with confidence and clarity. That DOESN'T mean that you develop the ability to avoid uncomfortable emotions--even painful emotions; it means that you have developed enough maturity to put your reactions to such emotions into the context of your values and act accordingly. This takes experience to master. This exercise was just an early step in that process.

So, I am glad that you were able to experience your emotions with such depth.

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:40 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D3 Emotional Balance and Stability Excercise 31
A. Identify stressors that have affected my emotional health this week.

1.I have not recieved any income in my real estate business in 2 months.
Severe stress
2. I have three transactions on the verge of canceling and these are they only transacttion that will give me any income for this month.
Severe stress
3. First transaction needs a full kithen installed in 3 days.
a. The bank refused to pay for the work.
b. Buyer threatened to cancel if transaction didn't close in 5 days.
4.In the second transaction the REO bank would not return calls and would not sign two documents that escrow requires to close the transaction.
The buyer would have to pay an additional $2000 that he need to repair his home once he moved in. He was very upset.
5. Third transaction- There were termite repairs that needed to be done in two days or he would have to pay $1200 and he didn't have the money and he would have to cancel. Small transaction not as big a lose for me.
6. My wife and I read another persons thread together and my wife compared what I was doing which was less then the other person we were reading about.
B. Was the majority of my energy spent toward my 15 values to handle my stress?
1. I only used 2 values but not consistantly. I really didn't even think of my values as I dealt with my stress.
C. The stimulation I recieved was not around my values. It was around getting my work done.
1. The quality of my life is very poor.
2. I am not making this a top priority when I start dealing with big problems. I go back to my old ways.
3. I did not turn to my addiction to cope.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:08 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D4 Evolving Practical Values Exercise 32
I will rate my progress on each from 1-10 with 10 being the highest
A. List my progress on my proactive action plans.
1. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife.
a. I was at 2 and now at 4
2. Handleing Finances
a. I was at a 2 and now I am at 5.
3. Strengthening my ability to be patient with myself and others.
a. I was at 3 now at 4.
4. Strengthening my ability to be understanding.
a. I was at 3 now at 4.
5. Strengthening my ability to be reliable.
a. I was at 3 now at 4.
6. Strengthening my ability to be respected.
a. I was at 3 now at 5.
7. Strengthening my ability to be responsible.
a. I was at 3 now at 6.
8. Strengthening my ability to be vunerable.
a. I was at 2 now at 5.
9. Strengthening my ability to be in touch with my anger and share my fellings with my wife in a calm manner.
a. I was at 3 now at 4.
10. Strengthening my communication with my wife.
a. I was at 2 now at 3.
11. Balancing work, relationship and recovery.
a. I was at 2 now at 4.
12. I am being proactive instead of reactive.
a. I was at 2 now at 5.
13. I am reading and studying the bible to live a healthier life.
a. I was at 2 now at 6.
14. I am relearning to show my wife she is special.
a. I was at 2 now at 3.
15. I respect my wife and our marriage.
a. I was at 2 now at 5.
B. Two values I have added or clarified.
1. I am proactive instead of reactive.
2. I read and study the bible to find and live a healthier life style.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:57 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D5 Developing Emotional Maturity Excercise 33.
This week seek out oppurtunities to deepen my awareness of emotions.
1. At 5:30am I made my first call to an REO bank and they told me that the decision could take another 45 days more and I had already lost one buyer because of the wait.
a. I felt frustrated and helpless.
2. At 6am my wife would not talk to me because a speaker last night at church brought how important intimacy is.
a. I felt ashamed and angry because she also has a part in why we are not being intimate.
3. At 7am I made a call on another transaction that was transfered to another bank and they where supposed to transfer all my paper work with it. They said it wasn't transfered and I have to start all over. It could take another couple weeks to get an answer and buyers of these properties get tried of waiting.
a. I felt frustrated and angry because I don't want to have to go through all the work I have already done with the other bank.
4. At noon my wife and I had an appointment together with a client.
My wife was very short and disrespectful when she talked to me while we were waiting for our client.
a. It was very unpleasant to be in the car together. I tried to say I was sorry for what she was dealing with and she didn't want to talk or have me to talk to her. I felt very uncomfortable because of the tension and I wasn't being respected at all. I couldn't wait to get out of the car because I was so uncomfortable.
5. At 1pm I called on a bill that I hadn't paid yet and the person on the other end of the line was very impatient and kept pushing for an answer on when I was going to pay.
a. I got annoyed and angry the way he kept pushing for an answer.

Author:  CoachJon [ Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:18 am ]
Post subject: 

re: "Identify stressors that have affected my emotional health this week"

These are indeed severe enough for this to be considered a bona fide crisis. What does this mean for you? A few things.

One, for as long as the severity of this crisis continues... you will be at an extremely high risk for slips and even complete relapse. And not just the kind that you keep secret, but the kind when you say to yourself 'why bother?'

Two, even if you consciously fight any urges that occur... it is nearly humanly impossible to maintain such stress over extended periods of time without taking significant damage to one's stability. And so, you should expect the consequences of such stress to appear in one way or another. If it's not through compulsive acting out, it will be through depression, suicidal ideation, anger/rage, or some other mental dysfunction.

Three, such situations will challenge you to abandon the very things that are necessary to manage your life. They will challenge you to lose sight of the meaning/purpose of your life. They will challenge you to abandon your value system. They will challenge you to lose perspective, priority and balance. It is the rare individual that can meet such challenges and rise above them during such times. But, it is only during such times when this can be achieved. Think about that. These are the times in your life to provide you with the greatest opportunities for strengthening your character and building confidence. And so, if you can... see if you can grasp a perspective of the situation where, no matter what happens... you will under no circumstances abandon your values. Accept that no matter how bad things still might get for you and your family, it is all still a part of life. All still within your responsibility to manage with the values that define the legacy you want to leave behind. Values such as integrity, courage and leadership.

On a personal note, having almost lost our home and this site because of financial heart certainly goes out to you. In fact, the reason I shared what I did above is because it is what I shared with myself in our darkest hour. When I thought things were beyond saving, I shifted my perspective from the desperation of failure to the challenge of surviving. Surviving with integrity. Surviving with all of my top values intact. Well, almost all. And it was funny, I remember distinctly how immediate the difference in how I felt about myself and my situation changed.

And so, if things do get "too bad" or if they fall further beyond your control...remember that you will always have options. You will always have the option of changing your perspective. hopefully though, things will never get that bad.

Author:  Recovery [ Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:16 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D5 Developing Emotional Maturity Excercise 33
Day 1
1. Wrote my wife a letter because we weren't talking.
2. Couldn't find toner for fax machine at 3 stores.
Anxious and frustrated
3. Needed a client to sign document before 1pm couldn't find him.
4. Bank said if not signed by 1pm transaction will have to start over.
very stressed
5. Asked my wife if she read my letter I wrote this morning, she said no.
Insights for day 1
There was accomplishment, frustration, stress and disapointment.
Day 2
1. Started working at 5:30 worked straight through until lunch.
2. My wife still didn't read the letter I wrote yesterday morning.
3. My wife got very angry because I made a mistake and sent a fax to the wrong company.
Very angry, very stressed to the point of trembling
4. Went on an appointment with my wife we were cival with each other.
5. Went on another appointment without my wife and I was late.
Tired and stressed.
Insight for day 2
I was annoyed, angry, very stressed and tired
Day 3
1. Went to an SA meeting and was supportive to a man having simular marrital issues as I am.
Understanding and sympathetic.
2. There was tension between my wife and I all day because of lack of communication. She still has not talked to me much since the topic at the church at the begining of the week.
Felt out of balance, tense not at peace
3. I had two offers to send today which is potential income and nether one was able to sign today.
4. Did not have any communication with my wife today.
Very Stressful
Insight for the day
I felt Understanding and sympathy, tension, out of balance. no peace,
frustrated and very stressed.

Day 4
1. My 2 sons came for a visit at 10:30pm from Phoenix AZ and then the whole family went to my step daughter's for a visit, we got home at 1AM.
Tired and slightly resentful because I was tried by working all day.
2. I got up at 6am to go to a recovery meeting.
Annoyed I was so tired.
3. My step daughter and family were coming over for breakfast and was to get here early and got here at 10:30
I was hungry and annoyed
4. I had a short appointment with a client but I just wanted a full day off with my family.
Tired and annoyed
5. I did meet up with my family and it was a fun day.
Relaxing and enjoyable
6. My wife and I were cival but not connected or close.
Insight for day 4
I was tired, resentful, annoyed, stressed, and relaxed at the end of the day.
Day 5
1. read bible
Felt relaxing and good
2. My wife and I usually go to church early but I knew the family was getting together and I asked my wife if we were going to church. Here answer was that she was going not that we were going. It showed she was still annoyed with me. At church we didn't share or connect.
3. We went to our daughters for breakfast. Then they decided they were going to Sea World and was in a hurry to get ready and leave. MY wife and I went home to fix some sandwiches and she wanted my help. I start getting things ready and she left to the other room. She asked me to help her then she left.
4. I cut the french rolls in half and when she got back she yelled at me and said some words in Spanish I didn't understand because she didn't want the rolls cut in half. Then she said she can't wait for me to be out of her life.
This knocked the wind out of me, I felt devestated, and very hurt.
5. I couldn't pull out of it most of the day.
Felt depressed and I became very quiet with the whole family.
6. I started lusting on and off throughout the day.
I felt depressed and very discouraged
I didn't master my emotions today and because of it I turned to my addiction.
Insight for day 5
peacefulness, frustration, annoyed, exhausted, depressed, frustrated, and lustful
I put about 75% effort into this weeks lession. I was very stressed all week long and it was a challenge to do more. I know if I am going to be succesful I have to do better and as a results I would not have slipped into my disease.

Author:  Recovery [ Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:42 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W1;D6 Obstacles to Emotioal Maturity, Excercise 34
A. Describe a time in my life when I used immediate gratification.
After I divorced my first wife when I was 41 years old I looked up my high school girl friend to just see how she was doing.
She was happily married with two teen age daughters. She had put on a lot of weight and was not as pretty. The first time we were alone in the evening I pushed to have sex with her. I knew I shouldn't because she was married and also her husband was a fisherman and probable would have killed me if he knew. I just had to have her and it almost broke up her marrage.
B. Describe the anxiety I feel when I don't act on a compusive sexual thought or behavior.
Last night I had the urge to masterbate. My wife and I have not talked much in the last week and we had a couple big fights when we tried.
My wife and I have not made love in one year this month. The last time I masturbated was on my birthday three months ago.
The sexual feelings were very strong but I promished my wife I wouldn't masterbate anymore and I also didn't want to lose my sobriety which is very important to me.
I felt a lot tension over fighting the urges. I wanted to touch myself just to feel the sensations. I wanted to relief the sexual urges. I was very frustrated but I got on my knees and prayed and it got me through the feelings.
Comparing to other anxieties
When I am very angry I react and say things before I think, I just react.
When business transactions aren't working and I have not had any income in months I get depressed and feel helpless.
When my wife and I are not talking I get very depressed and I don't feel like doing anything and I close down. It's hard to work or do much of anything else.
I feel these anxieties are bigger then the anxiety with sexual compulsion.
C. Describe the feelings I experience while engaging in certain compulsive thoughts or feelings.
I get in a trance when I get lost in lustful thoughts or actions. I feel drawn to the person or persons and I am lost in the excitment or anticipation of seeing something stimulating.

Author:  CoachJon [ Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:23 am ]
Post subject: 

Good effort here. The reason why you are being asked to be so hyper-aware of such emotions during these lessons is because you have to develop a personal mastery of your own emotions as you experience them across the span of you life. You need to know the extremes of these emotions. You need to know their subtleties. How they effect your decision making. How you intensify them. How you manipulate them.

Ultimately, you need to develop a mastery of your own emotions so that six months from now, you are managing your life with a built-in emotional thermometer running at all times. Then, when that thermometer reads that you are outside of your emotional comfort know to take action.

You aren't going to develop this emotional maturity through the lessons. You have to take these concepts and really look for opportunities throughout your day, week, month to experience them in action. Developing emotional maturity should really be a fun, challenging part of your recovery. Granted, it is no fun to feel emotional discomfort, but knowing that you NEED to experience this discomfort as a learning experience should allow you to relax a bit...rather than taking it personally (which further intensifies the discomfort).

Well, probably too many concepts here for a single post. Take what you can from what was shared and we ill pull it all together in coaching.

Author:  Recovery [ Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:45 pm ]
Post subject:  recovery's recovery thread

M2;W2;D1 The Role of Boundries Excercise 36
A. Not having a set of boundries intensified personal consequences.
When I was leaving a Wedding reception late at night one of my wife's cousins walked up besides me and put her arm around my waist and gave me a hug and I responded without thinking and hug her back. At that very moment my wife and her sister turned around and saw us walking and hugging each other. I had been very friendly with this cousin in the past which would have encouraged such an action on her part. My wife was very upset with this for months and a year later still brings it up from time to time in an arguement.
The boundry violated was being too friendly to a women which encourages her to be friendly back. I need not to encourage it in the first place.
B. A solid boundary which will assist me in manageing an event that will protect my values.
When my wife and I go into a resturant to eat a meal I look for a table
that is on the side areas if possible but I always choose a set that is facing the wall or is not looking toward the main areas of the resturant because I easily get distracted by women walking around and could Lust after them.

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