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 Post subject: SiD Recovery Thread V2
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 2:27 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
The First time I joined RN was on the 21st August 2014, vowing to make changes and to be diligent and do this and do that.

I was here under the wrong reasons (to please my partner) and to just smooth things over.

Reasons why I have started a New Thread:

A lot has changed over the last year. I do not have the same interests, likes, dislike, personal view, personal understanding, drives etc. That being said, I think that I need to start again as I feel that I didn't do a good enough job - I wasn't open/honest enough and cause I had suck deep seeded guilt, I didnt look too deep within myslef when needed, as it was to me then, just too painful. Thus - I didnt take responsibility and I didn't change like i should have or like I could have. So now, with different views, and different ideas (and belief structure) I want to rather start again and go from there giving it my all, for me, and uncovering the truth, regardless if it is bad or not.


A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) I commit myself to change, to be consistent with homework throughout, to do it for myself and to open and honest in all communications going forward.
2) I will not allow my guilt and shame to sabotage my commitment to change. No rock will be left un-turned and I will inspect honestly all areas, especially the ones that coasye great shame, as then I can deal with them and not have a defense mechanism where I devalue the combative person till they stop that particular topic as I have guilt and shame surrounding one of many topics.
3) Change doesnt happen over night. To Form a habit needs consistency for new neuro-pathways to be built in the brain. Thinking that change can happen instantaneously will jeopardize my recover and place me further behind. So I allow myself time to change. Massive change can happen slowly when you change and keep a small thing day after day, soon you have done a 180 degree turn!


1) I want to control my emotions completely.
2) I want to be a loyal partner.
3) I want to live a transparent life with my partner.
4) I want to have a strong contentedness about who I am, what I stand for and what my values are.
5) I want to be a emotionally mature that supports my partner, especially in times of need.
6) I want to be the one that initiates complicated or "difficult" situations with love
7) I want to have empathy with my partner and people around me.
8) I want to have love and tenderness with my partner no matter what.
9) I want to have a joy and freedom in my life that encompasses all areas, and that I can be open about all areas.
10) I want to have fun and be able to see and enjoy the world has in the small things.
11) I want to view woman, as woman, not objects.
12) I want to love completely and fully, something that I have never really been able to do.
13) I want to grow emotionally, and with my partner.
14) I want to build Intimacy with my partner so that it is stronger that anything and will not and can not be broken.
15) I want to be in a position to give back to the community around me.


A picture of me when I was about 16 months old. I have a genuine smile on my face, eyes look sharp and eager and that everything is fulled with wonder, awe and innocence. This will be the emotional connection that I want and need to help develop and nurture.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 6:50 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4024
Location: UK
Hi Sid
I remember your first attempt
so no welcome you know how and hopefully why this works
I went thro the whole progamme twice myself and would have done so again and again if recovery had not been complete
The First time I joined RN was on the 21st August 2014, vowing to make changes and to be diligent and do this and do that.

I was here under the wrong reasons (to please my partner) and to just smooth things over.

Reasons why I have started a New Thread:

A lot has changed over the last year. I do not have the same interests, likes, dislike, personal view, personal understanding, drives etc. That being said, I think that I need to start again as I feel that I didn't do a good enough job - I wasn't open/honest enough and cause I had suck deep seeded guilt, I didnt look too deep within myslef when needed, as it was to me then, just too painful. Thus - I didnt take responsibility and I didn't change like i should have or like I could have. So now, with different views, and different ideas (and belief structure) I want to rather start again and go from there giving it my all, for me, and uncovering the truth, regardless if it is bad or not.


this is so positive indeed I just posted in my own thread about the want , the need and the effort of recovery needs to come singularly from within
so lets do it Sid
once and for all starting as you have :ex:

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:59 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Thanks so much Kenzo! Yes completing something whole heartedly is the only way forward - and I must admit, "life" can be very sneaky if you are not vigilant and committed as things "just happen" so easily and your time gets used up before you know it! Then one day turns to three and so you never fully commit and you never fully change. You may know everything, but knowledge is useless without being able to apply that particular knowledge. I am tired if being in the bracket that can give good advice, that knows what they "should and can do" that talks the good game - I just want to be a action orientated person.


Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread.

My Vision to me may seem a little grand, however I feel that if you live small you cannot affect the people around you and you cannot create a positive change, so here is my Vision.

I will develop myself to be a man of my word, to be kind, honest and fair. To deal with issues in love giving my full present in the conversation, not having to win, but looking to grow, understand and build intimacy. I will develop loyalty to my partner, to learn to always put her first, to protect her and "have her back" no matter what. To live a life that is filled with certainty (that I will never cheat, emotionally or physically), that she can trust me with vulnerable things said to me in confidence and that I will not use it against her in times of anger or frustration. Have uncertainty, where I can treat and spoil my partner on a date or holiday or just romantic time together. I want to know everything there is to know about my partner, both physically and emotionally. what colour she likes, to her favorite song when she was ten, then twelve and fifteen. I will develop my public speaking skills, to run courses and help people who are addicts overcome there challenges, to give back to the community in both time, and money. To be a proactive man, that creates my own circumstances, not react to them. To view woman, as woman, not sexual objects. That I can see that as a mother, as a daughter and as a friend without first weighing up if they could be a sexual partner or not. I want a sexual bond with my partner that you feel immediately, that she is adored, loved and desired. That she is understood and feels like she is heard and her needs met. I will develop as being a man, to be a leader, to take control of the "heated" situations, to lead with an inner centeredness and love that comes from truly knowing yourself and being comfortable with yourself completely. I be a man that provides for my partners needs physically AND emotionally. To help around the house, to see what she needs, not what she is saying, and having the wisdom to help in the correct way. I want to grow with my partner, learn and discover new things, each and every day! To deepen our knowledge of ourselves, how we think and what we think. To deepen our connection and values to each other, and to find new ways to nurture love and connection! I will be healthy, free from addiction and addictive behavior - living life to the fullest, and not being a passenger. Taking responsibility and control over what I do, no matter the outcome. To live with love and understanding. That is what I value and will become!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 3:33 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Self Notes on today: I am still finding it difficult lying. And the part that is frustrating, it seems like I am lying to myself. Then my partner (who is incredibly intelligent and intuitive) points out things to show me that I am lying. That then gets heated, as I feel that a defense mechanism when i feel that I have messed up is to lash out and devalue them - which I am really trying to catch out before it spirals out of control. But that has the negative effect where I am shown to be a lair, creating distrust and breaking connection. I am then also stuck between a rock and a hard place where I am trying to learn a new skill so that I can work part time as well as spending the amount of time needed for RN. My partner I think although has clearly said that I need to do, then gets a little pissed, as then I must work on the two things at night. I try to spend as much time as possible with her, however it feels like a losing battle! I want to be consistent with my word, however when I do, it feels like I am getting punished for it.

Then if I don't have enough time she says "well maybe you shouldn't have gone to the shop, or watched TV for as long as you did (watched a movie as down time over dinner), cause then you could do everything." I am worried that too much damage has been caused and that the relationship is not worth saving anymore, and we are just causing too much pain to each other. I realize that this last statement has victim all over it, but it is out of a place of love (or maybe I am just lying to myself again).

Those are my thoughts.

:) SiD

PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2015 11:40 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.

1) Live with integrity
2) Live with Love
3) Be a loyal partner
4) Be a supportive partner emotionally
5) Be a supportive partner physically
6) Be attentive to what my partner needs, not what she necessarily says
7) Be present in conversations
8) Be loving when it counts, not just when it is easy
9) Showing compassion
10) Live with empathy
11) Grow and develop personal goals
12) Overcome fear in my life
13) Overcome guilt and shame
14) Complete honesty
15) Being Romantic, and building lots of intimacy through organizing events.
16) Having some items in the relationship that are "no go's" during argument
17) Not blowing things out of proportion
18) Being emotionally mature
19) Being the first one to apologize if I have don't something wrong - or the first one to sort out a potential issue.
20) Being in total control with of my anger
21) Treating woman as woman, not objects
22) Having a fully sexual relationship that I can have fun in and be myself in a healthy manner
23) Having fun again
24) Overcoming obstacles
25) Enjoying the journey and not just the result
26) Being flexible in achieving my goals
27) Living with balance in my life with personal and professional
28) Being disciplined
29) Following through with promises
30) Being an inspiration to others
31) Helping others overcome addiction
32) Developing my connection to the universe
33) Strengthening my spiritual connection
34) Learning more about the universe and universal laws that govern us
35) Developing my intellectual side
36) Read at least 8 books per year
37) live with a heart of giving - both in finances and in time/experience
38) Work with integrity so my business partner is proud to be associated with me
39) Be humble
40) Being considerate of others before myself.
41) Being reliable and having a word of gold
42) Being trustworthy in action and words
43) Making promises that I can keep, and not to appease the other person
44) Doing things that make me happy, not for making the other person happy.
45) Having a sense of humor
46) Bring joy out in others
47) Making my life better helping people
48) Having good hygiene
49) Taking care of myself
50) Being physically healthy
51) Eating the correct foods
52) Feeling masculine
53) Feeling respected and loved
54) Having appropriate personal boundaries.
55) Having a healthy competitive attitude
56) Being financially stable
57) Building a loving home environment.
58) Healthy sense of power and protection.

There are more to this that I want to add, however the main aspects are covered here and the ones that I will add are more just variations of points labeled above.

C: Dark Side of decision making.

1) Physically felt good (orgasm)
2) Power
3) Immediate Gratification
4) Control
5) Emotional reward
6) Physical Reward
7) Coping Mechanism
8) Felt Naughty (in a good way)
9) Physically liked woman that I searched for in porn
10) Imagined I was doing some of the things to woman that I like and could do in my own personal life.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2015 11:46 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

1) Living with Integrity, and taking responsibility for my actions and life
2) Being open and honest
3) Grow, learn and understand myself
4) Living with complete control over my emotions
5) Gaining deeper empathy to people and situations around me
6) Living with a unconditional love to my partner
7) Viewing woman as woman - and not objects
8) Living in consistency
9) Expanding my intelligence (By reading/courses etc)
10) Living in a healthy manner (physically + emotionally)
11) Giving back to my partner (physically + emotionally)
12) Living with Passion
13) Giving back to the community
14) Having Fun (in a clean and healthy manner)
15) Deep spiritual connection

I feel that I have basically six "physiological needs" that I want to fulfill. This is taken off a course that I have done with Tony Robbins to be honest and it has resonated with me. They speak about certainty, uncertainty, significance, love, growth and giving back to the community. I believe that although there are 15 points that I tried to put down as quick as I could to not overthink anything, I would like to put more down. The above points do cover those needs I feel and will help me be the man that I know that I am and will be. I have been a victim for too long, and blamed life/relationships/past/friends/parents for my short comings. If I want to change, it will only be through consistency and hard work, getting to know myself and my triggers and then actively changing them through exercises, action and then repetition.


PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 5:06 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

1) Developing Empathy/Vulnerability
2) Having honesty
3) Control over all emotions
4) Developing and showing lust towards my partner
5) Living with Integrity
6) Being happy and having fun in my life and in my relationship.
7) Developing my sexual desire and lust back.
8) Improving Love
9) Taking care of myself of those around me and myself
10) Facing and overcoming my fears step by step
11) High Work ethic - always give my best in every situation
12) Being loyal
13) Being a man and what that mean (strong/decisive/in-charge and in-control)
14) Not having to win arguments, instead learn to love and support.
15) Strengthening my spiritual connection.

I am to be honest battling with this. My partner is amazing - however, she also is confrontational and if she disagrees with you, you will know that she disagrees. This also has the following effect where now cause of everything that has happened and me coming back for my second time RN - she doesn't want to hear about recovery, read about it or anything. She wants to see results and when I say that there has been progress the following example is used: "if a thin blonde with big tits walks up to us now in a bikini and talks to us that you wouldn't think that she was attractive or hot at all." and i cannot say that I wouldn't think that - as quiet honestly I would. I wouldn't entertain thoughts, I would however initially think she was hot and then cut it off. This i am just a little confused and concerned that maybe the relationship has run its course and that maybe it has been too much time and that it would be better if we end it. We both aren't overly happy, however have a routine now I suppose. I try break it, however it feels like I am in a half pipe, get half way up the one side, and then slide back down only to being all over again. The relationship is in this position cause of me, and she has been the one to really keep it together as I have been a complete dick handling things. She really is amazing! I want to be with her, however she needs me to be in a position of recovery, and I just an not there. And at the same time, I feel that I am causing more pain than pleasure. Throw in the mix the fact that I don't trust my own feelings etc... I just am a little confused and vulnerable - and vulnerability has not been on top of my agenda - ever.

Thanks so much.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2015 11:44 am 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

I have made this as a motivational chart that I read every morning - was made on the 2nd of this month.

Then I have a couple points that I have I marked out on a per day basis - so I can see what needs I am keeping to my partner. And to see my improvement and where I am letting her down the most as well.

Daily Steps for my Action Plan to getting my relationship back.

Put my partner First

What I mean by this is the following. I have her best intentions at heart. It doesn’t mean that I give her everything, rather that I protect her no matter what. I be honest with my partner. Show her that this isn’t a passing thing, but rather a change in how things will happen from now on. Think about something before I say it – so that I can build the relationship.

Specific Compliment

my partner doesn’t want a “you look hot” etc., must be a genuine specific body part numerous times a day. She feels like she wants to scream, not get out of bed and leave this relationship if I do not help build her up, and build her up quickly.

Be present

Within a conversation or discussion, be completely present. Do not get into victim mode, be the adult. Listen to what she is saying, understand with my soul what she wants, understand her pain that she is feeling inside of her. Don’t get irritated, annoyed or bored. Be constructive and lead the conversation.

Meeting my partner's Emotional Needs

There are six basic needs that everyone needs to achieve to be fulfilled. The top two are in my opinion Significance - knowing that she is the best thing that will ever and has ever happened to me, as well as being number 1 – that she feels I am not settling and that I put her over and above everything else. Certainty – Knowing that I will be there, that I will be consistent that I will do what I say I will do, that she can count and rely on me. Certainty brings trust and respect. I haven’t done these two at all. She is feeling very Uncertain at the moment and has hardly a shred of significance. It is my role as partner to help build her up, make her feel special and important. This must be done daily.

Building Lust and Connection

Pure unaltered physical lust towards my partner. And no one else. Making time to go for walks together, special picnic’s, time alone. Touching, holding, verbal communication (being dirty) grabbing. Taking control and leading the control of the situation. Having sex all over the house, at any time. Shower, bathroom, bedroom, lounge or kitchen. Show that I want her, that I want to be with her and that physically I want her.

Keeping my word

It is important that I keep my word to myself and my partner. She cannot and will not respect me if I do not keep to something. Take this list or my schedule in point. I need to make commitments and stick to them. Not during the course of a day/week or month, but consistently over a long period of time. Make sure that my word means something. Promise something and keep it. Make it important to me that I cannot break it. Think before I say something, or promise something. Things like RN need to be done, regardless of “life” – as that was a promise I made.

Emotional Maturity and Responsibility

I am the master of my fate. I create all situations in and around me. I am a creator and I will control what I say, think and behave. It is my actions, my doings and my consequences, and mine alone. I will NOT blame, accuse, lie, minimize or lie anymore, to me or others around me. I will be the master of my emotions, and not vice versa. I am an adult and I need to behave like one. I need to
address issues first, listen to what is actually the problem, not what could be actually said at the time. Be mature and deal with it in love, understanding and bringing us closer together.

Man of Action

Doing what I say I will do, and not stopping till it is done. Not making excuses for myself. Just get it done. Results driven. Take the lead, both in business and in my relationship. Listen and understand and make the best move forward with others in mind and not on selfish terms.


All of the things above are for my relationship and not myself. While I feel deeply towards my partner, as Ursula has said, this needs to take a step back and I need to focus on myself and getting myself better. If this relationship is right then, then it will work its self out in (and me putting in the effort and consistency to do so).

So here are a few points for helping me develop a sense of myself.

Developing Empathy/Vulnerability

Looking at things not from my side, but what the other person is saying. Not having to "win" the argument, but rather understanding their need(s) and then seeing what I can either change or comprise on to getting a outcome that would be beneficial to me in the short term. Following on from that, it has come clear to me that I am not one that likes to "lose" and the saying cut off your nose to spite your face comes into mind. Also having empathy and Vulnerability needs me to open up, to expose myself and to hear the "not so good stuff" about me in different areas that I maybe battling in. I am so blessed to have amazing people around me who truly do love me, despite what I have done.

Having honesty

Honesty has been a major stumbling block for me personally. I avoid conflict massively, and in saying so, this may in the short term work out, but in the long term is 100 x worse as well as breaks anything that I could have built up. I will also be honest when no one is watching, when you can "get away with a lie as no one else will know". Being honest also doesn't mean being a dick, so I will be honest while at the same time keeping in mind I need to say whatever I have to say with love and have a positive final goal in mind! I will be honest also when I feel that I have lied - stop myself, say that I lied and then say what was honest. So this is a bit of a self monitoring exercise with my everyday speech. White Lies and minimizing are to be viewed as not being honest, and I need to step up and take charge of my words, choices and values.

Control over all emotions

I have been very quick to anger. I have in the past blamed my emotional outburst on the other person and said "it is your fault I am so anger because you did ..." Said that I do not have a choice, that its uncontrollable and instinctual to a point of flight or fight. That the only way I can get my point across or defuse the situation is by anger. That i need to deal with the build up of stress/hurt/not getting my own way etc. and that anger was the only release that I knew how to get of it. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have a choice to get angry. In getting angry it actually only ever builds the issue. Communication stops, and intimacy is broken. I have a choice to be angry or not. Actually in the long term, it is the only way to really lower stress not to be angry and to deal with issues (that I have created) in a constructive manner actually lowering stress. Look at the long term payoff and not the short term pay off for having control over your emotions. As said not only will it build connection and intimacy, but I will also get respect. Something that I feel in all circles I do not have a lot of, if any. If I feel I am going to get angry or lose control, I will just take ten seconds, breath deeply and make the choice to act with love and support.

Last edited by Sid24 on Mon Sep 07, 2015 5:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:05 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

I just wanted to ask a few things. I feel that my partner is a lot more "evolved" than what I am. She is very in tune with her emotions/people and things around her. She used an analogy today that has really got me thinking and worried.

I apologise in advance - I am going to be honest, use the language that I feel is appropriate and express how things feel inside.

Its something like this.

Basically it is along the lines that you get three types of men in the world. The kind that are like Niles Crane (from Frasier), Charlie Sheen and Sean Connery. Niles who is a complete and utter pussy. He has no back bone, bends to woman's will, does not take charge and is not a raw man. While I think he can have emotions of lust desire and wants, he never gets them. Charlie Sheen - who as I am sure you are all well aware, treat woman like shit, or to his own selfish gain. He will ignore, belittle, watch porn, degrade and is extremely selfish to name but a few. He does not give a shit how a woman feels, has the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old, and all in all is a complete shit. Then Sean Connery who (in my opinion) has the presence of being a man - can kill people yet take his wife to lunch and make her feel special and that she is the only person in the world, then on the way home pull the car over and fuck her till she screams - but in a way that woman want to be, not forced like Charlie or have no connection.

My Partner then said that she thinks I am a Charlie Sheen character, and that in my desperate attempt to be something else I have moved to Niles. I am loving and kind and sweet and FAKE. Thus we do not connect - and everything cannot build from there. If you compare Niles and Charlie, she said woman would prefer Charlie. They hate the man Niles is. Not to say that Charlie is the man that you should be, however if compared to Niles, it is. However if you put Charlie next to Sean, it is again a no comparison.

So now, not only did I move FURTHER from being healthy, I have lost who I am in the process, also loosing respect and being seen as a man. It then is also a difficult thing as now, I have no idea who I am. And my partner cannot understand that. She said, "you are who you are - if you like the opera, then you like the opera, if not then not". That then poses a fundamental issue for me. Am I who i am? And thus rather just tweeking my strengths and weaknesses and not "finding myself".

This then all relates back to the the issue that I am pretending to find her physically attractive as is not a blonde with fake boobs and missed many meals. And that I am having to force myself to have lust, which cannot work and that is why I am going to the Niles side of me. I love her, I feel that I have lust, but I cannot express it. This I feel is primarily due to fear. Fear as I have been disgusting to her and told her she is too fat undermined her and perved at many many other girls while being with her. So when I compliment or anything positive it is met with pushing back. While intellectually i know that will and should happen, i get a rage inside of me, and retaliate, pissed off that she hasn't accepted the compliment. So then it is easier if I don't compliment. This is the habitual pattern. But she feels I am in this pattern as I am Charlie Sheen and that I dont find her attractive and can't, however I need to cum, so use her for that. And that is why we cannot build intimacy. And if I had some little fake big titted thing I would be able to show lust and ultimately be happy - and that I am not with her. That this aspect is part of me and that I cannot change and that we need to see things like they are and not what I would like them to be and that I should accept this.

So that is what I am fighting within myself. I will do the work and I will only be Sean Connery...

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 12:33 am 
General Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694

Sid24 wrote:
That then poses a fundamental issue for me. Am I who i am? And thus rather just tweeking my strengths and weaknesses and not "finding myself".

RN, in all its wisdom, knows you've lost your identity, if you ever had a stronger sense of self. The lessons are meant for you to focus on YOURSELF at the deepest levels you are capable of and through this process of analysis, meditation, inner dialogues, review of choices, behaviour and thought patterns, to regain your sense of identity, to find out who you are or better said, to recreate your sense of self. Becoming confident in your identity is what awaits those who transition to health. That acts as a guide to decision-making and ensures the person does not get caught up in things that are not in line with their values.

This is what should happen. IMO you've been going in circles and for a very simple and obvious (to me) motive: your focus is on your relationship and your partner, NOT on yourself, as it should be. You are applying recovery to a very limited and narrow area of your being ... your relationship. You keep it confined, as in a box and you don't let it work for yourself in ALL areas of your life. You know we've disagreed on this before and I might have come a bit too strong for you to consider what I had to say then. So, I give it one more try to reach out to you and make you see your focus is wrong and you cannot progress on your path as it is. Don't take my word for it. Look for yourself. Reread this thread from the beginning and see if not every paragraph is about your relationship, your partner and her reactions, the dynamics of your relationship ... YOU are NOT your relationship. Recovery is NOT a tool to fix your relationship. It is a tool to fix YOURSELF. Fixing the relationship (if ever comes) is a consequence, an after effect of fixing yourself. You cannot fix your relationship unless you find out WHO you are WITHOUT IT.

Focus on yourself mainly or solely when doing the lessons. Put the relationship at the back of your mind and start being involved with yourself. Look at yourself, past, present and future, be honest with yourself about what you want and where you want to go from here. Then redo the lessons from the perspective of finding out who you really are. For yourself. Don't you want to know?

"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 11:09 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
Hi Ursula,

Thank you - and I actually do agree with what you have said, and i have placed far to much emphasis on the relationship in recovery and not on myself. So I will do what you have recommended and go through the lessons and focus on myself, my thoughts/feelings/past/present and future and see what I want to become - not in a relationship sense but as a person, and that my relationship forms one part of my life as a whole. So while we didn't get off on the best of terms, I just want to say thank you.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 5:22 am 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109
This week has been a challenging week for me.

I have tried to keep to a schedule to get some form of consistency in my life. The thing is that the two people I live with (one being my partner and the second being my best friend) are both very strict regimented people that love schedules and love sticking to schedules - while I am trying to stick to one.

I haven't done well, been better than normal by a country mile however it wasn't to the schedule. I am just feeling very sensitive about everything really, as I feel that I am not doing any good and that the people around me would be better off in the current if I left - however I can't leave as financially I cannot afford to, so then I am stuck. I accept responsibility that I have not done everything that I should have, and the problem is that I feel that is an improvement, however the people around me don't care if I have done most things, they want me to do all the things - so now I am stuck in trying to solidify things in my life and then having fights as I'm not there yet.

I also realize that I have brought this addiction into the relationship, my partner didn't deserve it and she now wants it out. She says that I have been in recovery for 2 years and if she cannot see any change immediately that why waste more time. I still feel that my recovery centers around my relationship, and I know that it can't. I know that my relationship is a part of the whole, and not the whole, but emotionally I am battling to separate the two, as I have such strong emotions around this particular point. At the end of the day, I just want to have a "normal" life - weekends filled with love and sex and unity. Where now I am petrified as what have I done, or not done that can be said to me.

In closing - I know and accept responsibility and that everything that I do falls solely on me, and somethings are hard to look back and accept and thus a fight happens as I won't deal with the shit things in the past that I have done (hence not accepting responsibility) and that is getting better. The journey should be hard, however rewards also. I am just finding it hard at the moment, just that the people around me, don't want to see me improving, they want me just to be healthy, and that is the part that I am worried about. I have also said a lot of shit and promised the world in the past, so whenever I have said something now, it is met with apprehension and distrust (i cannot deny that I wouldn't react the same way).

Also I am finding that I am extremely selfish, and they all my thoughts fall to me, and not to others around me. Sadly, I sometimes don't even pick them up until my partner points it out to me, and then she is pissed, as she had to point them out to me, and that I am not at the social awareness that I should be at.

thanks so much and look forward to any words that you guys/and girls may have.


PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 6:13 am 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Developing and showing lust towards my partner
I commit to showing my partner love, connection, physical connection and intimacy each day, so that we can build a healthy relationship that has intimacy and connection. Sex is not built in the bedroom, but rather in all the areas outside of it, so that in sex it can be viewed as a place that is sacred and special.

Living with Integrity
I commit to living my life with integrity. What I say I need to follow through with. The word "try" shouldn't pass through my lips. I need to either do something, or not. I need to be selective in what I say, and promise only what I deliver.

Being happy and having fun in my life and in my relationship.
I chose to be happy. I chose to be positive and look at the glass that is half way and say that the glass is half full. I chose to see the smaller things in life and get joy from them. To see love wherever I go, to believe in the best of people, to believe that people are good. I chose adventure and excitement both in my relationship and in what I view in the beauty of the outside world.

Developing my sexual desire and lust back.
Choosing to be sexual and lustful. Accepting that a part of me is a bit of a caveman, that I love sex and that sex and sexual desires are not if used in the correct context negatives that should be shunned away from myself. Rather they should be brought to light, developed and fully incorporated into myself. Accept all of me, and not just the "comfy" parts of myself. I can then live in integrity with me about me.

Improving Love
Being thoughtful about the people around me. I don't mean be a whimp, however be tender to know what is going around and see the situation and adapt accordingly.

Taking care of myself of those around me and myself
This is a two part thing. One, taking care of myself, so things like grooming, hygiene, cleanliness and seeing what needs to be done before I am asked what I can do should become the norm. The second thing is to take care of the people around me, to be attentive and loving, to see how they are doing, and if they need to talk, and if they talk to listen to them and see if there is anything that can be done and how. Major area I think is just awareness socially and those around me, I want to have a high level of awareness.

Facing and overcoming my fears step by step
I chose to be in charge of my fears, and not my fears in charge of me. I chose to live a life that is governed by my own thoughts and feelings, that I do not have to impress people in my life, and that I just am happy to be me, regardless if you agree with it or not. I will be true to myself, and while not be malicious or hurt other people, not try to be the people please'r I once was.

High Work ethic - always give my best in every situation
I chose to have a high work ethic that is self motivated and that I will work to make my dreams come a reality. I chose to be pro active in my work, not reactive. I chose to be positive and see everything in a light that can affect me in the positive way.

Being loyal
I chose to be loyal to the ones that I love. I chose to always do what I think and feel will be the best thing in the long term. That doesn't mean I am going to lie for them or break my other values to maintain loyalty, however I will also not be a person who bends to there every feeling or whim, rather a person that can look at a situation in total and make the correct call, even if in the situation it is a very difficult call to make.

Being a man and what that mean (strong/decisive/in-charge and in-control)
Learning that you have three main emotional points - child, parent and adult. Being able to change when the situation needs it and having control over your emotions. I chose to be able to accept responsibility in my actions, so that I can look and change and support a way going forward that builds intimacy between my partner and I. I choice to be a leader, someone that knows himself, knows his strong points, knows his weak points and that can look at things objectively. I chose to be decisive, to point everyone in the right direction, to make the hard calls that will benefit everyone the most in the long term, to have a backbone and not just bend to every little wind that may come my way. I chose to be a true leader, to take control and lead with love and forgiveness. I chose to make decisions that lead to forgiveness and love, as opposed to winning.

Not having to win arguments, instead learn to love and support.
I chose that in do not have to win an argument, that I do not have to say the last word. I choose instead to be the bigger person and to handle issues with humility and love, looking for a positive outcome to come to the end of everything and that love and intimacy can be built. It is often in the times where you think everything will be ruined, that you can instead show true character and build something magnificent.

Strengthening my spiritual connection.
For me personally I do not believe in organised religion. I do however feel that people need a spiritual connection to the world. I chose to deepen my spiritual connection each and every day. That I may out the understandings that I get, and make a shift in my life that I feel is the spiritual path that I should take and learn from. o I chose to be more spiritual for at least 5 times a week reading 30 minutes a day.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:39 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

I have thought about this a lot - the only person who suffers from lying is myself in the long run. I do not connect with me, or the people around me.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.

I chose to be honest. I chose to not deceive them and to put my recovery above the relationship, and rather focus on moving forward to a fuller more enriched life.

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully committed to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

I chose to stop deceiving - and currently I am not seeking professional help.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.
25 Porn Magazines: In closet
3 Victoria's Secret catalogs: in magazine rack
1 Porn magazine: under spare tire in trunk of car
1 Bottle of lotion: in glove compartment
4 Porn Videos: in non-porn cases in video collection
3 Internet "porn" sites: in the 'Home Repair' folder in My Favorites
Over 300 porn pictures: on blue zip disk in case
1 Picture of girl I am having an affair with: in office desk drawer
Note: this list may be small (or empty) for some of you, as your behaviors are more fantasy/affair oriented. That is okay. For others, it may be very,very long. That is okay, too. It is important that you get a complete and accurate account of matter how long it takes to complete the inventory.

I do not have any porn material and have deleted everything almost a year and a half ago. I did however watch porn for the first time 7 months ago after a 8 month break. I think cutting porn out of my life, I tend to look at everything else with a sexualised mind. So if you see someone in tight pants, the thought that I find myself stopping is wanting to look more, or see if I can get a better angel and so on. What I have found is that I do not have the urge to compulsively watch porn, however, it seemed that lust was exclusively reserved for porn and now I have "lost" that part of myself that is carnal and lustful.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.
Julie: 3 year affair
Strange women: peek in their windows
Strippers: watch them during my weekly trip to strip bar
Male strangers: perform oral sex on me for money
Jeremy: obsess over him, sometimes stalk him
Masseuse: for manual masturbation
Like the previous list, it is important to include all sources of compulsive sexual/romantic stimulation — no matter how long it may take you to complete.

I sneak peaks at what I think are attractive woman. My typical type are blondes, with long hair, big boobs and thin. It can be anyone really, body pre-portions don't tend to matter, or if they are attractive or not, just whether they have skipped a meal or two. This must be the most frustrating thing, as then is can come up anywhere. I am not looking and perving at the "supermodel" so 2% of the population, but rather just blonde and skinny which is a much larger percentage.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

I don't go anywhere specific, rather I find myself stopping looking if I go to the shops, out with clients and during everyday activities that one needs to do. It has been a time of inner turmoil as I do not want to stop myself looking, and my partner can see that. I think as a result, we hardly "go out" and thus live a very home based quiet life which is not something that I want to do.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:01 pm 

Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:34 pm
Posts: 109

I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

I fall within the fourth group up until now. I have had the following feelings and driving factors:

1) I started recovery after been forced to from my partner. The recover became about the relationship and not about my own healthy recovery. It was a "O look and see, I did RN" and even then I was not consistent and didn't go the extra mile.
2) Measured what was the perceived benefit to the lesson was, and if it was too hard without enough perceived value it would be placed on hold. This for me is mainly due to laziness. I also am EXTREMELY selfish, and that has influenced every part of my life (and recovery). Emotional gratification is something that is very high on my value list without my real focus. And with immediate gratification, I could never give anyone anything, as how could I possibly give to someone without expecting something in return. However, I certainly don't mind taking. It has been an exhausting time for my partner, as well as countless forgiving, with my severe indifference.
3) I love thee idea about finding out about the addiction, and researching everything, having the emotional, neurological and physical changes, then I think I am done , without changing anything, or doing the real "hard" work. Thus NOTHING CHANGES... Surprise surprise...
4) I touched on it in the point above, however I have the ability to apply NO ACTION... This is killing me, killing my business, killing my friendships and killing my relationship. It is making me depressed and on the opposite side of the scale extremely angry, at everyone and everything. It needs to be broken, and now is the time.
5) Minimizing is an issue, I loooove to make things appear better than what they are. Put myself in a better light. It wasn't as bad as you thought etc etc... It has been an emotional crutch for me and given me the emotional boost I think that I have needed (hugely destructive emotional patterns).

Other Things To Note

This morning I was caught smoking - I have been "secretly" smoking for a long time. My partner is a smoker so I have hidden it from her. After this morning, and the trust broken, she feels that if I can lie about smoking which is something so small (she doesn't even actually mind me smoking, I just needed to tell her) what happens when something is serious. She then asked me a question that has really made me think - "Why the fuck did you lie, when we were doing so well the day before". I think that I "get off" with having a secret that I know that someone else doesn't know. This could also be related to fantasy in the porn I watch, as well as in my objectifying of woman I do. - I know what I am doing and they don't know. And if they know, I would be mortified, as would they. So no matter how well things were going I needed to not be honest in the smallest way. Thus I wasn't being honest with myself, as well as those around me. So I can not connect to my soul, and I cannot connect with my partners soul. Everything is such a destructive pattern that needs to be broken. This doesn't just affect my relationship, it really affect EVERYTHING! I feel that I am being more and more depressed, and I know that I am a glass half full person.

The second thought she said, is "Really look at yourself and see why you in a relationship and what that means". Now, this on the surface is a easy one to answer, however, for me, I realised that it really wasn't. From what I can think about, I remember being a pimple plastered teen, being in a very religious family, as well as leading my own cell group, but at the same time had a porn addiction. I didn't have a girlfriend, and I can remember in standard 9 or matric, lying on my bed crying (a lot) that I didn't have a girlfriend. So this brings up my first issue that I think I needed to be in a relationship as that showed me that people liked me. So as a result I could very easily go from one relationship to the next. I think at the same time, I didn't have a lot of female friends as first church girls and boys don't really mix, I went to a all boys high school, so I gained my view about woman from class mates, dirty jokes and porn (am the youngest of 4, however there is a 14 year gap between me and the brother above me, so I had elderly parents and was raised as a only child)... One must say that you can form a pretty fucked up view from that recipe. So what is a relationship, and more importantly, what can I get out of it. I can get out the feeling of being wanted (and missed), sex and fun. So now, what are my underlying values to a relationship? Feeling of being wanted, sex and fun. Now this really fucks up a relationship, as you suppose to grow, love, connect, protect etc... My partner does all those things, and I don't mind taking, however I cannot give back. Now until this morning, I didn't even realize that I had these views about relationships. This enables me to never connect with my partner. First thing that I have to change is this. I have to instill this in myself and in all areas of my life.

I am tired of living life the way I am. I am shooting myself in the foot, with petty stupid shit. It is time I man up. I have also noted the following: That I bounce between depression (submission and sulking) and anger and aggression and indecisiveness. I knew up to this point that aggression brings about power, however what I didn't think about it (or emotionally anyways) is that the sulking is a huge power struggle that I rely on for emotional "kicks". Very good for immediate gratification, however again destructive in the long term. See the same pattern that I see???? I have also noted the change in voice, in decisions and physical states when I am sulking and angry. It is all a choice. I have blamed everyone and said I have no control, however I do. It is a choice I make to get angry, depressed, sulking, happy etc... My emotional patterns are just so well trained that I feel like I have no other choice but to shout, push, emotionally abuse or ridicule. And wheter I like to believe it or not, I can change my emotional state within seconds IF I CHOSE!

"'I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul"
- William Ernest Henley

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