Recovery Nation

Hi everyone,

I have seen a few people recently struggling with the exercise from Lesson 22, so I decided to write a bit of a guide to doing this lesson, since it is one of the most difficult to understand, but is also (in my opinion) one of the most important lessons. I also think that this lesson isn't as hard and overwhelming as it seems. Once it clicks with you, you will never look at your compulsive rituals in the same way again.

Elements

The first thing you want to do with this lesson is write out ALL the elements of one of your compulsive rituals. The lesson only says to do 3-4 basic ones...however, I found it VERY helpful to write out all of the elements, so that you can deconstruct all aspects of your ritual into its most basic emotional factors. And most likely, if you already did the lesson on compulsive elements (where you make the compulsive "cookie") you have likely already done this. But, make sure you have all the elements.

Primary, Secondary, And Accessory Elements

One of the most commonly misunderstood factors of this exercise is in understanding the role of primary, secondary, and accessory elements, and what they mean. Don't allow yourself to get caught up here. Once understood, this is a pretty simple factor.

I have always understood Primary elements slightly differently than how Jon presents it in Lesson 22. In the lesson, Jon writes that Primary elements are those elements in the ritual that provide a major amount of stimulation. However, I have found it more useful to understand Primary elements as those elements in the ritual that drive the ritual, and that other elements result from. Typically, this factors in the fact that they provide major amounts of stimulation, but also makes it easier to understand. For example, if your ritual were to begin with fantasy...and all other elements in that ritual result from that fantasy (porn viewing, suspense, danger, masturbation)...then fantasy would be the Primary element in that ritual. Conversely, if you starting porn viewing first...which then led to fantasy...sensory (visual) would be the primary element.

In those two example, those rituals could be completely different in terms of how that person is stimulated by them, despite the fact that the same elements are there. This is where the subjective nature of rituals comes in...and should also teach that that it is completely within your perception about how these different things stimulate your emotions. That gets into a lot of other great topics like triggers...but that is a digression. Each individual's rituals are different...therefore, it is up to YOU to determine which elements are primary and which are secondary. Assign primary elements a numerical value of "3" (I will get to the subjective nature of the numerical values and why you shouldn't get hung up on them).

Now, in Jon's example, he had Orgasm as a "3"...because, as he said, "orgasm was the primary driving force for my behavior." Now, if the entire point of the ritual itself is to eventually end in orgasm, that is true. However, I would guess that for many fantasy, porn, and masturbation rituals, orgasm is rarely a primary element. As I said, this doesn't mean it can't be...but typically, it results from another element that is driving the ritual or is added solely to increase the overall stimulation, rather than is the driving force for the entire ritual. Again, up to you to decide. For example, many fantasy, porn, and masturbation rituals need not end in orgasm...and for some, the suspense of NOT orgasming could be the factor that ends the ritual.

Typically, most basic rituals have 1-2 primary elements. In my approximation, rarely would a basic ritual have more than two primary elements. The other thing that helps in thinking about primary elements this way is that they are the driving force behind the ritual...and therefore the most dangerous element. The one to look out for, where you know that a ritual is beginning. In terms of urge control, understanding this can't be overstated...as if you stop the ritual when you recognize the primary element, none of the other elements can develop.

Secondary elements are the elements that result from the primary element(s), but typically always exist in the ritual. For example, if fantasy leads to sensory stimulation, porn watching, and suspense, but those elements typically don't exist without the fantasy to initiate them, then those three elements would be secondary. Assign those elements a value of "2."

Accessory elements are elements that basically don't have to exist in the ritual necessarily, but serve to boost the stimulation you're getting. To give you a personal example to illustrate this concept...in some of my love addiction rituals, I would occasionally think about the concept of being the "perfect man" and having a wife. This was really just a power element...but it didn't always present in the ritual, but gave me an extra "hit" depending on my emotional state, so I considered it an accessory element. They're basically add-ons if your normal ritual isn't stimulating you enough...though in the way compulsive patterns progress, accessory elements could eventually become secondary elements. Assign accessory elements a value of "1."

Remember that you can have multiple instances of the same element at different points in a ritual, and they can be different in terms of primary, secondary, or accessory ranking, and the filters. For example: during your ritual, you always touch yourself in a specific way, which causes you to feel suspense as to whether or not you will orgasm. You ALSO feel suspense at the idea of whether or not you will be caught, and this stimulation adds to the ritual. These would represent two completely different suspense elements, which would need to be considered individually, as they have completely different effects on your emotional state. So consider that an element can be present in multiple different ways in the same ritual, and that those must be considered to completely understand the emotional effects of the ritual.

Lastly: remember that in this exercise, you are identifying the elements for one isolated ritual. You could have different rituals where the primary and secondary elements are completely switched (for example, you start watching porn, which then leads to fantasy, as opposed to the other way around)...in which case, the way such rituals would stimulate you could be entirely different.

Filters

Once you're done assigning values to all the elements, you assign values for each of them for the three filters, Time, Intensity and Habituation.

A brief interlude about numerical values in this exercise

A common complaint people have about this exercise is "But aren't these values arbitrary and subjective? How can they have meaning then?" Yes, they ARE arbitrary and subjective...and that is the point. Nobody can put a definitive numerical value on an emotion...it's entirely subjective. And you can't compare emotions with other people in order to see if yours are more or less intense. The numbers in this lesson are arbitrary and subjective because they are trying to quantify what is an inherently arbitrary and subjective thing: your emotions. You are trying to understand the effect of these elements on your emotions, not anyone else's. Therefore, these numbers will only have meaning to you. These numbers are only good in helping YOU understand the impact of these various different elements in the ritual (which are relative only to each other) on your emotional state.

So when you assign values for the 3 filters, you can really only assign values based on the relation of various elements to each other, not in any kind of objective, "these are what the numbers should be" way. Basically, the numbers are only your best guess in comparison to the other elements. But that is okay...it will still work out in the end, in terms of helping you see how various elements affect you. There is no such thing as perfection here (something notoriously difficult for the compulsive mind to understand). There is no right and wrong to these numbers...only what feels right to you.

Back to the filters...

Time - Basically, how long the element lasts in the ritual. If it lasts for a long time, assign a high number...and remember, this is only in relation to the length of the ritual and the other elements.

Intensity - Pretty self-explanatory. The more intense an element, the higher the number assigned.

Habituation - this is one a lot of people get confused on. Remember, you are considering all of these filters only in the context of an individual ritual, not your entire life. So something like masturbating 3 times a day and each time it becomes less stimulatory is NOT habituation in the context of how this exercise intends it. Rather you are looking at an individual element and assessing how much that element habituates within the scope of the individual ritual. For this one, the LONGER it takes for an element to habituate, the higher the number. For example, if you begin fantasizing, but relatively quickly you must increase the intensity of the fantasy because it loses its stimulatory effect, it would have a low habituation number (habituates quickly). If that element remained novel and stimulatory for quite a while, it would get a high number.

For example, orgasm would almost always have a low habituation number, as in the scope of a single ritual, it can't really habituate. However...to get your minds thinking about this in a larger scope...orgasm could habituate (and does) during the course of compulsive chains where there are multiple orgasms.

Do the Math

It may seem tedious, it may seem irritating, but I would recommend that after you write out all your elements and the filters for the elements, then assigned numerical values to them...to do the math, as described in the lesson. It only takes you a few minutes, at most. And, what this will do is give you a numerical value for, in the context of your ritual, how much relative stimulation that element gives you, compared to the other elements.

How does this help you? First of all, it lets you see exactly which elements of your ritual affect your emotional state the most, compared to other elements in the ritual. Thus, it makes sense, in terms of urge control, to watch out for those elements the most. As well, it will give you an idea of how all the elements come together into a ritual that allows you to manage your emotions. This should also allow you to see exactly how rituals provide stimulation...and how that stimulation decreases over time. Now, we ARE talking about rituals habituating over time...in which case, you either add new elements to the existing rituals, alter the filters for existing elements (ie. longer time masturbating, added intensity of pornography, attempting more dangerous things after what you had been doing before was no longer dangerous enough), OR connect rituals together to form compulsive chains.

For me, this lesson really let me see exactly how a ritual affected my emotional state. I eventually recognized how different elements stimulated in different ways. And, you can do this for any ritual...though eventually, you will be able to do this breakdown quickly in your head, rather than doing all the numbers. It allows you to de-mystify your ritual. No longer will the emotional stimulation from a ritual seem mysterious to you...it's all laid out right there. Probably most importantly, this lesson shows that there really is no mystery to compulsive rituals. And, this sets the basis for understanding that all you really need to do is achieve that same emotional stimulation from healthy behaviours in order to be fulfilled.

Hopefully this helps. If there are any questions (or if any of the other Coaches or mentors think I screwed up on anything or missed something!), please don't hesitate.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

FT,

Thank you for clarifying that about that lesson. I am currently in the process of breaking not only all my sexually compulsive behaviors down into their elements and filters, but all my negative compulsions as well. I admit, I am one of the many that was somewhat confused about assigning numbers to the filter of habituation. I know lesson 22 is a very important lesson that must be completely mastered to move forward and you have done an excellent job in analyzing the lesson.

Thanks again,

Chris

_________________
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson

Hear Hear. FT, you're invaluable.

-Semperfi