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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:43 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 13, 2019 4:08 pm
Posts: 3
Unadulterated version of my partner's addiction

My H and I have been married for over 20 years. Both of us were divorced as a result of unfaithful spouses. My ex-H is a SA and my current H knew that. Before we got married, I poured my heart out to my current H about the years of hell I lived through with my ex-H. Current H never revealed his addiction even though he has struggled since a teenager with it. I am so angry that I was robbed of the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding who and what I was agreeing to spend the rest of my life with. To make matters worse my husband is a very religious person. Professing one thing in public and yet leading a totally different secret life. Red flags began on our honey moon – he could not maintain an erection, the “lovemaking” ended and the “excuse making” began. H has totally controlled what little bit of a sex life we have had. He is “too tired, too full, too stressed, not feeling well, not a robot that can have sex on demand”. The first D day was about three years into our marriage and it happened because I walked in his office and caught him viewing P. He would not admit to anything else. No affairs, no masturbating, no videos or anything else just soft porn pictures. He made excuses but to placate me he agreed to install accountability software and go to a men’s group. I thought all this time he was working a Recovery program. He uninstalled the software after 30 days and lied about the men holding him accountable. Our relationship was all over the place. I asked if he was in relapse, having urges, struggling - but he lied over and over again about his P & M. He lied about other stuff unrelated to the P. Fast forward to three months ago when he finally decided to stop lying and start disclosing his SA. I don’t think he has told me everything and I really don’t care. I am tired of the exhausting effort it takes to care about his behavior(s).

Summary of the general patterns that are in play with my partner's addiction

H isolates himself in his office, viewing pornography on computer or smart phone and masturbating. Sometimes he gets up at 2 am to do his thing. H has denied, minimized and lied over and over again. He withholds meaningful communication, compliments and sex with me. I now know why he was “too tired, too full, too stressed, not feeling well”. He was getting all he needed by self gratification and indulgence. Later he felt shameful and stressed he was going to found out. He has been angry, disrespectful, discounting my opinions, thoughts and input. He has accused me of making him pay for my ex-H sins. Which is not true, just manipulation and avoiding responsibility for his behavior. He goes to work Monday through Friday. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening and yard work. He neglects our vehicles, our home, our finances and becomes angry then pouts/withdraws to avoid responsibility and attempt to control me. Sometimes it is like living with a 12 year old. He has been Gas lighting, crazy making, creating doubt and insecurity in me for years. There is public / religious H, private H that I have to deal with and secret H that nobody knows. He has no friends. He has no hobbies. H is Mr. Formality, no fun and bored to tears. I feel like I have been held hostage and get crumbs of affection just to keep me from escaping. I have lost sight of my values, boundaries and meaning for my life. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have some meaningful life before I die. I am not getting any younger and do not want to waste any more precious time.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:31 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 671
Seeking Health - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I'm sorry you need to be here, but it is a healing place to be.

I encourage you to continue the lessons. They helped me understand what was going on with my husband, and helped me with my first steps in healing. I also found an individual counselor who specializes in treating trauma. That has also been helpful to me.

Know you are not alone. The partners here know the pain of discovery. Feel free to read and post in the partners community forum.

Please know that NONE of your husband's addiction is your fault. But it has had a traumatic impact on you. We partners have to be responsible for our healing. It is a hard road, but with time, I started to feel better.

With deep compassion,

PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2020 8:47 pm 

Joined: Fri Dec 06, 2019 10:02 am
Posts: 4
Seeking Healing,

As dnell said welcome and thank you for your courageous share. We are all here to support you. This is a safe space where you can speak freely. Please reach out if you need support and do continue with the assignments.

Coach Lori

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