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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:36 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:27 am
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My husband and I have been married 31 years. I discovered my husband's secrets 4 yrs ago. He would never answer his cell phone when I called, even though it was never out of his reach. When I would ask him, he'd say, "Oh, I didn't hear it ring." Or, "I was busy and couldn't get to it." He always gets home from work before I do and he started getting home later and later. Then he would have to bathe right away and wouldn't kiss me until he had done so. He started working out, tanning, losing weight, changing the types of clothes he wore, etc. I asked him on several occasions what was going on and told him that I thought we had a serious problem and that we needed to talk. He always got angry and said that things were fine.

One day I found a handwritten note of things he needed to do on a certain day. The note included meeting T at a hotel, taking his pill at a certain time, buying perfume, etc. Upon confrontating him, he became very defensive; saying it "had nothing to do with" me, it was nothing, nothing happened, etc. etc. etc. He did admit that he worked with her. They would meet after work at a rest area and sit in one of their cars and "just talk". It came out that this had gone on for about 6 months (that he would admit to). He had bought her flowers for her birthday, presents for her son, had lent her about $1,000, and had even been to her apartment (although he can't remember where it is). As things progressed and I starting digging further, I found out so much more was going on. There were phone calls on his cell to chat lines, pornography orderings, etc. He had a separate cell phone and a post office box. He admitted to being with prostitutes.

We tried marital counseling. That did not go well. We were asked to make a list of things we wanted in our relationship. The top thing I wanted was complete and total honesty in all aspects of our marriage. While in that session, my husband totally agreed and said that we have that now. This was not true. He continued and continues to not be open or honest about so many things.

We tried individual counseling. That did not go well either. He felt after a couple of months that he was completely cured and he no longer feels he has a problem. He went to a sex addiction group. He attended one meeting and did not go back because it was not "convenient" for him. He has bought several books to help him with some of these issues, but I doubt he has finished reading even one of them.

So, here we are 4 yrs later and I think we still have problems. He is obsessed with his ability to "perform". He has Enzyte and Cialis. I have been counting the pills and keeping track. The Enzyte has completely disappeared (22 pills), and I have no idea what he did with them.

I found this site and now this is for me. I need to take back control of my life for myself. I need to heal myself and exorcise my own demons. I hope that this helps me in all aspects of my life.


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson one
PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 8:05 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello yelgrenada and welcome to Recovery Nation.

Quote:
I found this site and now this is for me. I need to take back control of my life for myself. I need to heal myself and exorcise my own demons. I hope that this helps me in all aspects of my life.


This is very good news! Remember, what you get out of the workshop is relative to what you put into it.

Be well.

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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:49 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm
Posts: 672
yelgrenada wrote:
My vision: Many of my friends have told me that they would like to have a marriage/relationship like mine and my husband's. They see us as very happy and always together. This used to make me feel very proud. Since I found out about my husband's true activities, I have felt like a phony when I hear my friends make this statement. I have felt like my life has been a deception or I have acted a part in a play. Now I see myself wanting to live up to that statement. I see myself rebuilding my relationship with God, which I have neglected for a very long time. I see myself building a better relationship with my husband. I have seen many changes in his behavior. He is learning to communicate much better.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:50 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm
Posts: 672
yelgrenada wrote:
Times when my gut told me something was wrong:

1) My husband never answered his cell when I called, even though it was always attached to him. He would say he didn't hear it, he was busy, or it was dead.
2) He would go outside to answer his cell. One time I asked him why he had to walk clear away from the house to talk. He said it was his mom. He even showed me the phone. If I had looked closely I probably would have seen that the date and time of the call was not correct. At the time I did not know he had 2 cells.
3) He would leave the house frequently to "run errands". If I had followed him I would have seen him going to the post office and getting his "private mail".
4) When I saw him working out and tanning excessively I questioned him. He said he was doing it all "for me".
5) I started looking things up on the internet about how to tell if your spouse was cheating. There was a checklist and he met about 3/4 of the items listed. When I questioned him, he got very angry and denied, denied, denied.

Now when he doesn't answer his cell, of course I revert to my knowledge and think he's up to something again. When he calls my back, which is almost always immediately, I refuse to answer my phone.

I periodically check his mileage.

He has a prescription for Cialis and I keep track of the pills. He periodically orders Enzyte, which he always hides. I find them and keep track of those. I hunt through both garages for anything he may be hiding.

I periodically check his cell phone call history and google numbers. I periodically check through his wallet.

His communication has been improving. I have always been the stronger and better communicator. I have tried to really slow down and not lead the conversation so much, forcing him to talk. It almost drives him crazy when I'm quiet, but it is helping him realize that only one person talking is not a conversation.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 8:58 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:33 pm
Posts: 672
Hi yelgrenada

Welcome to Recovery Nation. You've taken a great first step by starting the workshop. :g: I would suggest that you take a look at other threads to see how other's have written their Life Vision. Your vision should act as the roadmap for your life. What you will seek out of life. When I did my vision, I was so uncertain and nothing really felt "real", but the more you think about it, the more connected to yourself you will be. :w: Think of the different areas of your life, and what you want for each of them. Relationship with God. Family. Job or Career. Travel. Finances. Hobbies. Friends.

Visions can grow and change as life evolves, but having a roadmap makes it much easier to stay on course. :w:

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