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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:15 pm 

Joined: Fri Sep 09, 2011 1:58 pm
Posts: 11
share a summary of the general patterns that are in play with your partner's addiction
Hmmm. My friend Kathy has been a great friend and she has heard most of it and she has been a great listener. She was abused as a child and I think this made it easier to tell her. She thinks my h can change and he is a great man. I am not so sure. I had such great respect for him and really thought of him as my knight in shinning armor. We had been married 19 years and the sex was never great if we had it at all. I knew his family was uptight and not loving and kinda thought nothing more except every couple of months or years sometimes I would act out and get angry. I even asked him a couple times if he was gay. I never thought he was looking a porn and beating off, never even crossed my mind. (God only knows what else) I to be honest blamed it on me and thought it was just the way things were going to be with us.
My husband deployed again to AFG two years ago and during that deployment I started to like it better without him around. I liked telling him about the kids, at the time 16, 13, 11 but really did not want to connect to him. I did not send him letters of gifts. Sure Christmas but nothing personal. He called me one time on Skype and wanted to have phone sex. Said everyone there was doing it. I said no because he could have had sex with me when he was here but he did not and I sure did not want to do that. He never asked again and he started calling in the middle of the night. I asked him to stop because I needed to sleep and he could call me when I was awake. We texted alot about the kids but I had lost that loving feeling.
I had a car accident and had to have major surgery. It was planned but we decided that he would stay there and friends would take care of things for us. They placed a 15x15 sheet of fabric in my stomach to keep it together. I was in the hospital I think 8 days. My friends were great and I recovered and watched the world go by without me quite successfully. I was an extremely lonely time but I liked how well my children had coped. They are great kids. I recovered for a month and then he came home for some R&R. I wanted to be held and comforted so bad but it just was not in the cards. I processed it as me being needly. He said he was afraid of hurting me and he had seen alot of horrible things. He finished his tour and came home. More of the same and by January I was having suicidal thoughts after a few too may beers or wine. We went to couple therapy and were fired. I went alone and discovered I mattered. I was now telling him when her hurt me and letting it go. This pissed him off. I told him to get help. I started to notice he was beating off and then my intuition kicked in and I did not let go until I had some facts. The facts are still dripping in and its not pretty. The worst was his Teen Bondage fetish because we have a 13 year old daughter. I wont live with this and I dont want to waste any more time or tears. I hate him. I don't trust him but I want to stay in our home till our daughter graduated in 4 1/2 years. I also love him. :t: :t:

PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 8:43 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi Mattering,

Welcome to Recovery Nation. Know that you are not alone, in your experience nor in your perceptions. Many partners blame themselves but we come to learn that addiction has nothing to do with us (I know it might be hard to believe right now, but it's the truth). There is something wonderful in your story, which is your realization that you matter! I know you are in a difficult place right now. The healing workshop is designed for partners and is excellent for helping you regain balance and sort out what is next for you.

Again, welcome to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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