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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:22 pm 

Joined: Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:33 am
Posts: 2
Lesson 1 response 1
I just found this site by accident and it seems from the little I have read that though my experience is similar to everyone else's, my situation is different because I am not married and my relationship was in it's infancy stages in comparison to other's.
That being said I still have been hurt and am reeling from what I have learned and am trying to navigate this with as much dignity and grace as I can muster.
My BF and I met last May as a result on an online dating site. I have dated very little over the past 15 years as the result of an unhealthy relationship in my early twenties which I felt I stayed in too long so I felt I needed to grow significantly before putting myself into that position again.
My BF was in the process of obtaining a divorce after 15+ yr marriage and over 1 year separation. He admitted to infidelity playing a factor in the ending of the marriage but that his infidelity had occurred years before and in reaction to an ongoing unsupportive and unhealthy relationship with his wife that they had tried to work on but unsuccessfully until his wife began being unfaithful and demanded and he agreed to end the marriage.
Of course this was an initial red flag but his being upfront and honest was encouraging so I thought, proceed but with caution.
Things seemed to progress at a somewhat reasonable rate, spending much of our free time together. Discussing dreams, opening up to one another, talking about meeting his children. We had begun talking about possibly investing in property together, and I even brought up the topic of living together once the obvious hurdle of meeting and reassuring his children was achieved. I had some concerns about his seeming lack of thoughtfulness sometimes but he was always very affectionate and attentive when we were together, also there were some alarming things sexually that were alternately confusing, hurtful, and alarming at times. He wanted me to have sex with other men, or women if was more comfortable with that, and either he would watch or be with me after, also he was very into masturbation and watching porn but I had watched porn before, and who doesn't masturbate so I had no real objection to it, I didn't at that time realize how pervasive and obsessive his "habit" was. I have always accepted that there are different strokes for different folks and we talked about the fact that I was unlikely to ever fulfill his fantasy of a cuckolding lifestyle he said this wasn't a dealbreaker just one of his turn on's. I did acquiese to a few of his requests, accompanying him to a porn theater, and some public (somewhat) nudity and PDA. He was very preoccupied with my "number of previous partners" which to some might seem high as I was pretty sexually active and promiscous during my teens and early twenties. Also he was intent on seeing if he could make me ejaculate which he had recently discovered ) I intitially assumed from porn but later found out it was personal experience) some women could do. He tried to talk me into anal sex on a few occassions but I wasn't comfortable with it so though he did press the issue, he finally relented. Also he encouraged me to go out and try to pick up or get picked up by other men, I knew in hopes of me sleeping with them. I did talk to three different men at bars on three separate occassions with them either giving me or asking for a phone number. He got very turned on by this and encouraged further communication with these men but I had no interest. Outside of that we seemed to share several of the same morals and values though we were from very different backgrounds and upbringings. I was in love and hopeful for a future life with this man and I hoped his children in whatever capacity they felt comfortable.
I returned from a trip and had plans to spend time with him that day when he called to say he had lost his job. I felt awful for him and asked if his recent requests for time off to spend with me had contributed to his firing. He said no he had been let go because he had been arrested the previous month and they had found out at work. I was perplexed..arrested for what? Indecent exposure he answered. This still wasn't registering or making any sense.. When he finally explained showing himself to a woman driver in another car I thought "Holy s--t... what is he saying and what does this mean?" He was telling me to save me the trip to see him, he was extremely ashamed and seemed to expect abandonment. I was still dazed and my mind was racing but I drove to see him to try to be supportive in his moment of humility and need. I didn't know what this would mean for us, but I knew there was more to come.
He was tearful and embarrassed when I arrived in explaining this situation with the indecent exposure. I tried to listen without judging and tried to be supportive saying that though he had done something stupid and considered by society as wrong and perverse it didn't define him and he would have to figure out a way to get through this incredibly hard, scary and embarrassing time. I told him I knew there was more and that when he was ready he would tell me. He was so grateful and surprised by my support, which on top of what had already been revealed and what I felt was sure to come, hurt my heart even more. I grew up with family and have made friends with people in my life that I could call on in a moment when I was in need and w/o hesitation I know they would be there for me and support me, even if I was in the wrong. That he didn't feel he had that with anyone was so sad. We spent the evening talking about the repercussions of the incident, the upcoming courtcase and his lawyer, etc. In the early morning hours he finally opened up and told me the other things he had done during our relationship. There had been sexual intercourse with at least three other women (two he was "talking to" when we met, one is a married friend of his he goes running with), he had a woman from the dating site we met on over to give him oral sex, two other incidences of his masturbating in his car and exposing fellow women drivers to it, and he had masturbated 4 times in front of a local "french maid" cleaning service which makes house calls. This was all he told me at the time but though I have since realized these are just the personal physical acts which he felt I guess counted, these events only scratch the surface when added to the porn, interactive video sites, sexting, flirting, and various other things that I have either found out about snooping or asking, or I am just taking educated guesses about.
That day I drove home feeling devastated and hollow. I was physically ill, dry heaving when I got into the house. Shaking, crying, feeling disgusted with myself for being in this position again and with him for his treatment and disregard of me. I spoke with my best friend and explained what I felt comfortable sharing but much I was too embarrassed to describe and left it with several instances of infidelity, and obviously a sexual addiction problem. Two days later I asked to see him again in his home and wrote him a letter explaining what I felt we had lost, what I hoped for as far as recovery for him and that though I wasn't breaking up with him I was taking a step back for him to handle the issues that only he could deal with and work on if he so chose. He had a letter for me as well thanking me for all the love and support I had shown him both before and after this incident and hoping for a future with me eventually and for forgiveness but that he had no expectations at this time. It was heartwrenching and also relieving in a way but honestly now with some time and distance from it I know I was still very numb from shock and in the months since the rollercoaster of emotional turmoil has continued as I have tried to sort through and process this on top of what I found out five days after his reveal. I am pregnant.
I am still trying to be supportive, and am hopeful that he has recently embarked on the journey to a healthy path to recovery, he claims he is trying and he even says that he is doing this for himself to be a better, healthy and whole person and I'm hopeful he means it. He has been both supportive and excited about the pregnancy which I appreciate and he is still stating he wants a relationship with me. I guess we will see, right now I am trying to figure out how to proceed in the here and now, taking care of myself and my unborn child and grateful to have found this site so I can hopefully learn how to navigate this mess in a positive manner so at the very least I come out of this whole, healthy and restored.
Probably could have been a readers digest version of this but this was the best I could do for now.

Last edited by pi-c's on Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:16 am 
Partner's Coach

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:19 pm
Posts: 452
Dear Pi-c's

Welcome to Recovery Nation. No one here is in any better or worse situation. Everyone's experience is unique - mine is actually very similar to your own. I am sorry you are going through this, but believe me when I say that if you do the work, it will get better and you will be a different, strong, healhty woman in the end.

It is shocking and also devastating to discover someone you love and care about has been involved in this addictive behaviour. I applaud you for coming here and also in taking a step back in the relationship; taking time to figure out what is best for you (and your unborn child) and especially to heal. You are not alone in this journey.

The workshop is self-paced - what you put into it is directly related to what you will get out of it. Do the lessons in order - a coach and/or mentor will check in on your healing thread from time to time, but ultimately your journey is your own. If you have specific questions, the partners healing forum is avaiable with many wonderful, loving partners who will offer you support and guidance, when needed.

Again, welcome and I am sending you many many hugs today.

Coach Sue

"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols

PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 4:01 pm 

Joined: Wed Mar 20, 2013 11:33 am
Posts: 2
Stage one, response 2
Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy as a wife, mom, sister, friend. Create a vision that represents the real you. The one that you will be reconnecting to on your path towards healing.

I see myself continuing to grow and learn from the world around me and the people I surround myself with.
I am a loving, caring woman with a healthy sex drive who is open to giving and recieving love and support in a balanced, nurturing, and mutually respectful relationship.
I see myself prioritizing my needs and wants so that I can be the most healthy version of myself for me and in turn for those that I love.
I am going to provide a happy healthy stable home for my child where it will grow up feeling loved and secure and confident.
I see myself continuing to find fulfillment in my life by being a caregiver to people in need, a source of support and encouragement to my loved ones, and by finding ways to incorporate God into my daily life whether through prayer, meditation, random acts of kindness and compassion, or just appreciating the beauty in the world surrounding me.
I am going to continue striving for balance between work, rest, play, family, physical fitness, and personal reflection.
I see myself doing more of the activities I enjoy- travel, reading, walking, swimming, biking, cooking, and spending time with positive funny people who say they love and support me and whose actions support those words.
I am going to emerge from this with my dignity intact, and with the hope for healing and recovery for my partner whether we are able to remain together or not. HE DESERVES HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, AS DO WE ALL...

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