Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Sep 26, 2020 3:48 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:30 pm
Posts: 7
Hi. I am creating this prior to beginning the couple's workshop lesson 1.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:30 pm
Posts: 7
My husband and I did the exercise at the end of the couple's introduction last night. Today we went back and reread the direction and it seems we did it a little "wrong" - mostly in the sense that we analyzed/discussed what was going on while we were doing it. My husband has been really amazing about admitting his addiction - he first told me about his compulsion to masturbate to porn when I was nine months pregnant, so it wasn't the easiest to hear, but I have remained committed to providing him the love and support her needs to recover. We thought that he could handle his problem by himself, but last week (our baby is now 4 months old), I asked him about it again and that's when we realized he is an addict, so it has only been a week, but he has opened up to me more than he ever has before and we have realized that he never learned to trust me and he convinced himself I wouldn't love him if I knew about all of him - which seems to be mostly his shame and sorrow. I'm learning to trust him again and he is learning how to trust me. It's a process, but I really feel like we are in it together. So the interesting part of the exercise is that he picked a book that he wanted to read to me, but I wanted to get to pick what he was going to read -- he ended up rubbing my feet instead while we discussed how him picking what he was going to read was a reflection of how he preemptively tries to guess how I'm going to feel about something and manage that response. My husband quit his job to take care of our baby - he is doing a wonderful job caring for her, cooking, cleaning, making my lunch, running errands, etc - so it didn't feel that strange to practice dependency on him last night because I think that, in a lot of ways, I practice it every day. But I did notice that part of me resented a little having to wait for him to feed me and letting him brush my teeth, etc. I do believe that he can recover and I do believe that he isn't an addict to hurt me. There is so much going on in our lives right now, in some ways his addiction and recovery feel like one more thing for me to deal with, but it's definitely a priority. I love him so much and I am grateful that at least we are facing this now rather than later.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:30 pm
Posts: 7
That honesty is one of the best ways to respect and work on a relationship
Commitment to our relationship – physical and psychological (porn, fantasizing, lying, etc)
That our relationship should be a safe place – one where trust is nurtured
Demonstrating respect to me, our marriage and family (porn, fantasizing, lying, etc)
That fidelity is the option in our marriage


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 8:35 am 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello Jam and welcome to Recovery Nation.

I have taken your three posts and merged them into your healing thread. For instructions on how to post in the forums, read: http://recoverynation.com/partnersbb/vi ... 80&t=10760

There is also other good information in the Welcome Centre:
http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... m.php?f=74

and in the Member's Corner:
http://recoverynation.com/partnersbb/viewforum.php?f=75

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2012 6:57 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:30 pm
Posts: 7
Thank you CoachMel!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2012 7:03 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:30 pm
Posts: 7
My husband and I have been talking so much and having such good breakthroughs in understanding his addiction, this exercise almost felt too elementary. I felt like the similarities were there - ie between the business and our marriage and, at the same time, I do not have any doubt in my mind that trusting him again and learning how to really build and solidify that trust is the right decision. Even though it hurts that he obsessively masturbated to porn throughout the first 6 years of our relationship, I can so see how it was his addiction and his need to emotionally cope and not him. He has been so willing to look at his pain, shame and sorrow and to try to understand what contributed to it and how to move forward that I can't help but feel that his recovery is such a positive opportunity for our marriage. Do I wish that he was not a sex addict? Yes. Do I wish that he hadn't felt the need to hide his shame and sorrow? Yes. Do I wish that we could have addressed this sooner? Yes. But we are where we are and I am grateful that we are dealing with this now and not later.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group