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PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 6:18 am 
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Yes, we forget that daily communication can actually keep the connection alive.

One other thing to add to the list: disclosure on my part. Telling your partner things about yourself and life that you've never told anyone else and might have hesitated telling him. If we expect and want disclosure from them we need to be willing to do the same. It's frightening but ultimately brings both much closer.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 5:26 am 
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I'm not sure if this is an intimacy exercise - but it's really positive.

I stole a bit from Crysler (ahem - I think someone forgot to log in under their own name!) about drawing slips of paper.

What H and I have done is write little challenges on each slip. We did it a bit backwards, because we realised when we had done that it was all values based. Every other day we are each drawing a slip and doing the challenge. Here are some of the things we wrote

Quote:
Learn a poem by heart and recite it to your partner
Eat no sweet things for a day (fruit is ok)
Run up the steep steps nearby twice (100+ steps)
Send three loving texts to your spouse. Spouse has to reply lovingly to each. (H DOES NOT TEXT, so this is a challenge!)
No shopping for two days (H loves shopping!) except for dogs and aged father
Cook a meal you have never cooked before for both of you
Learn three interesting facts and tell your spouse about them from memory
Take photographs of each other and photoshop them to mutually acceptable standard (we are both very photo shy)
Frame every statement you make today positively


We are finding this fun, positive and non-threatening


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:02 pm 
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Posts: 148
Thanks, so glad to have re-discovered this thread - I contributed once, but it accidently was posted under someone else's name.

We still do the nightly diads - take turns drawing a slip of paper with 3 topics that we have to talk about or listen to. Anyway, we each talk and listen to each topic which were borrowed off a Joel Osteen Calendar. Now we ad our own personal topic at the end.

This process begins with our staring into each other's eyes for 2 minutes (knee to knee). Then talk/listen about one topic on the piece of paper for 3 minutes. When one of us is done talking, the other says" Thank you for caring enough to share, I promise to weigh it carefully." This line is borrowed from DR.PHIL.

The topics are a mixed bag but usually focus on being positive in your thinking instead of negative, following through with action behind your plans for the future, making deposits in your spouse's emotional account instead of withdrawals, etc. . Many tie in with RN vey well. There is enough room for personel interpretation. Sometimes we are serious and sometimes have fun - but always looking into each others eyes, knee to knee. Nice

I love the the fun stuff everyone has contributed, too. I just ran out into the yard to tell my H about some of them and my 42 year ols son, who's here helping building a new fence, smiled when I said "They might sound kind of silly and childlike - but that's what we need."

Thanks for telling me how to get here and re-discover this great thread. I hope folks keep posting their ideas.

Nellie James


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:34 pm 
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Nellie,

Make sure the other person is signed off and you are signed on under your id before you post!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:56 pm 
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Yes, we just talked about that - seems that even when we exit the net, we still have to log out. We'll pay more attention.

Nellie


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:56 pm 
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Bump


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:06 pm 
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Have any of you ever heard of the ungame (click for link)? My family used to play it when I was younger.

I was reminded of it and thought it might be useful in this situation.

I looked it up and found out that there's a couples version (click for link).

I'm intrigued.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:39 pm 
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My H and I have begun working on the yard together which used to be one of our battle grounds - control issue - source of anger for him which he needed like speed.

But now - HE LOVES YARD WORK. We have a few projects that we pursue together. He built me a small raised bed and I planted it and we both water it, watch it grown and sit in our glider and smile at this wooden box that is now overflowing with life!

Last week, we broke up a cement pation that tree roots had pushed up and made for bad drainage and was just plain ugly. I would shove a 2x4 under a spot to create an air pocket and he weilded a sledge hammer. It was very hot so we had to take rests in the shade. By the end of the day we had it done. We both had aches and pains the next day (we're old) but it was worth it.

Our plan now is to plant some trees (bought them already) and re-arrange the concret chunks (big ones) and plant grass or ground cover in the cracks. We plan to figure out as we go. A year ago that would have never happened - he would have wanted a precise master plan and I would have become frustrated with his control.

It has been hard physical work but fun, too, and very gratifying to see what we are building together. Sense of pride in our shared efforts.

I'm nt suggesting that you all take on yard projects but sharing time together in a joint effort to make something beautiful is a good thing.

Nellie James


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 2:48 am 
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This may seem simple but a good way to shake off a bad day and feel close to your partner:

Grab an ice cream cone from your favorite ice cream place and go park somewhere where you can look at the night sky and just enjoy each others company, your fav ice cream and a beautiful view.

One of my favorite things to do with someone I want to feel close to without having to talk, just relaxing and feeling.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:24 am 
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BUMP!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 9:35 am 
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Bump


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 8:02 am 
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Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2012 6:19 pm
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Thanks for bumping this Cheryl! Great topic. I wish I would have had something like this while I was still married. I feel it would have been so beneficial to my relationship!

I put the suggestions together again here:

Quote:
Nightly short topical conversations
Being in each others presence while relaxing
Discussing feelings on safe subjects (without having to do with SA)
Work at friendship being established/reestablished
Putting aside an hour to focus on something childlike or fun/frivolous
Talk about hidden thoughts and feelings
A willingness to invest the time!
Adventures
Discussing our life dreams and goals
Share our personal bests/worsts of the day
Set a time each day to say something positive that we like or love about the other person or something that affirms the positive aspects of their personality or behavior?
Non-sexual physical intimacy like hand holding.
Sharing time together in a joint effort.
Spend time doing something simple together like grabbing an ice cream cone and sitting in the park looking at the night sky.
Nightly diads - take turns drawing a slip of paper with 3 topics that you have to talk about or listen to. Each talk and listen to each topic which were borrowed off a Joel Osteen Calendar (or your own topics)
Write fun challenges on a slip of paper and then have to do them, such as:
- Learn a poem by heart and recite it to your partner
- Eat no sweet things for a day (fruit is ok)
- Run up the steep steps nearby twice (100+ steps)
- Send three loving texts to your spouse. Spouse has to reply lovingly to each.
- No shopping for two days (H loves shopping!) except for dogs and aged father
- Cook a meal you have never cooked before for both of you
- Learn three interesting facts and tell your spouse about them from memory
- Take photographs of each other and photoshop them to mutually acceptable standard (we are both very photo shy)
- Frame every statement you make today positively


I would like to add being able to ask for and offering help to each other every day. Even just the little things like, can I help you with the dishes, or would you stop on your way home for a gallon of milk, or how about I take the kids so you can go take a long bath. Little things that let the other know that we are in their thoughts. If it were me, I would even like this to be a nightly thing that is planned. Each partner asks and offers 1 thing every night.

Other partners? What would you add to this list?

Thanks again cheryl -

Coach Sue

_________________
"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 7:43 am 
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Thank you Sue for putting it all together in one list!!!

I would add date night at least once every two weeks. Doesn't have to be fancy just do something you both enjoy that is planned and enjoy each other's company.

I also would like to hear what else other people are doing as well!!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 4:45 am 
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Posts: 96
For my future relationships, I need to involve my SO more. I've got so used to doing everything myself (when I was both single and married) that I would just get on and do something, even quite big house-changing things. My H says that he used to feel left out.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:55 am 
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I have brought up the subject of intimacy over and over in MC, but my H has been too frightened to let down his wall and let me in. I remember one time he demanded to know what I wanted from him and I said that I " just want to be in your head" (sharing emotions and thoughts). He immediately recoiled and said that HE didn't want to be there so how could anyone else. ANY discussion of feelings, mine or his, results in him being "flooded" (see Gottman) so there is no productive result. We had agreed to stop MC so that he could see therapist individually and work on his self criticism, SA and depression. He has been one time and is wanting me to return to the sessions. He says that he just can't talk about anything important without a buffer, the therapist a buffer between H and me, and sometimes me the buffer between H and therapist. I refused, nicely, and encouraged him try a few more sessions. I think he is a little freaked out that I have told him I will not participate in his recovery but will continue to work on my own. I believe that this is the path for us to, at some point, (re)build intimacy, but it feels that for now we are less intimate than we were when the emotions were running high.


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