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 Post subject: Tinas journey to healing
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:17 pm 

Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2012 10:37 am
Posts: 37
As I sit here looking at this screen trying to decide what to write and what to hold back, I come to the conclusion to hold n othing back. I have been married for 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Most of our life together has been great. But 8 years ago I discovered on our computer lots of porn sites visited. When confronted with this he tried to blame our 13 year old son. I found that to be utterly disgusting. But i stayed because I loved him and didn't know any better. Then 3 years later I caught him in the bathroom early in the morning, of course he denied it. So I cheecked the history on the internet when he left and was completely shocked when I seen just how much he was going on the porn sites and at this point our sex life was not very good. We rarely had sex, maybe once or twice a month. He begged me to stay, said he would do anything to make it right between us. We tried marriage counseling. We tried it for about 6 months. There was really no lasting changes made in our lives. But I continued to stay never really understanding exactly why. I know that I was financially dependant on him and I thought I was doing the right thing for my two kids. I guess that if you bury your head in the sand far enough you can pretend anything. For 2 years I didn't think about so I convinced myself that it wasn't happening anymore. All the while our sex life was continuing to get worse. At times when we would try to have sex he wasn't able to get or maintain an erection, which was blamed on some medication he was taking. I was really dumb or desperate enough to buy into that, he gave me an excuse as to why he wasn't interested in me. I am sure that on some lev el in my head and in my heart I knew that it was still happening, but if I ignored it then it wasn't there. Then on May 20, 2009 my world came crashing down on me. I got a phone call that my parents had been in a severe car accident. I got up to the hospital to be told that my Dad had been killed instantly and that my Mom had suffered among other things severe head trauma and they weren't sure if she make it or not. Two days into this trauma, as if it wasn't enough, I catch my husband in the bathroom once again. I can't even describe how I felt. I was in shock and so hurt that at a time like this in my life he could choose to do this. I was devastated. But I had other things that required my attention, so it was never discussed again. A week after the accident, my Mom was released from the hospital. We decided to bring her to my home to recover because I had the extra room and the time to take care of her. So for the next 6 months or so I became very busy with taking care of my Mom. As I think back now, I realize that when this all happened I shut myself down little by little, focusing all of my attention on taking care of my Mom, rather than trying to deal with my husbands sexual addiction. At this point I still had never heard the term "sexual addiction or compulsive behavior" I just knew that it wasn't normal or fair to me. But I just couldn't deal with it. So like I said I began to slowly shut down emotionally. Over the next 2 1/2 years I got to a point that I barely didn't anything but function on the smallest of levels. I became depressed, withdrawn, angry, lonely, isolated from everyone in my life, sad, hopeless, and many other feelings that I couldn't put names to. I caught him many times over this period in lour lives. About 1 1/2 years ago he started to become angry, hurtful, stayed away from home as much as he could, when he was home he would drink, go up to bed by 8:30 p.m. and just avoid his family. Then in November of 2011 I discovered him once again in the bathroom, same routine, denial, look up history, still try to deny it, finally admitting, etc. At this point I had had enough. I didn't like the person that his disease had made me become. Over the next 3 weeks or so, I did ALOT of searching on his computer, but in the last two years he had become very good at erasing all traces of his activity. But as I began to dig deeper, because this time I wasn't giving up and I wasn't going to believe his lies anymore, I kept digging. Found a little bit of disgusting information, enough for me to realize that his addiction had somehow progressed over the last 2 years to the point that he was going on daily, not just in the mornings like I originally thought, but at other times during the day when I was at home and times when my kids were at home. We have been in couples counseling and I have been in individual counseling for about 2 months now. But I am finding out that my emotions and feelings are all over the place. Obe minute I'm fine the next I'm enraged, not angry but enraged to the point that I am now having anxiety and panic attacks. He realizes that what he did was disrespectful to me, but my problem is that he doesn't like the label addict. He cannot admit that he is a sex addict and he has a drinking problem. He cannot see how much his addiction has affected not just me but our whole family. I am trying to take it day by day. I asked him the other day if I was really any different now than I had always been. trying to get from him why I and our marriage was now so important to him. He told me that no I wasn't any different now than I had always been, that it wasn't about me it was about him never giving me the chance to be sexual with him. That was so profound to me and the greatest gift hes ever given me, it let me forgive myself for his addiction that wasn't my fault but I had blamed myself for for years. I realized that I never had control over him, it wasn't because of me it was because of him and the choices he chose. It allowed me to stop wondering what was wrong with me, what i could have done differently, because I realized that no matter what I did, how I dressed, how I looked, how sexual I was or how I loved, it wouldn't have made a difference in his choices.

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