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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 8:28 am 

Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Hi all

I've just completed lesson 3 about gut feelings which was difficult as I had no idea or suspicion my partner was acting out. I have as part of my healing process so far however identified one key area where I repeatedly had gut feelings that things were not ok for me.

This was around my partner's sexual shutting down and inability to show desire for my sexually. Although he was very warm and complimentary, including about my appearance - smile, hair, clothes, he wasn't sexually ie about body parts, my eyes, my sexiness. He also found receiving sexually very difficult, and my desire difficult. This really bothered my and I tried to minimise it as the rest of our relationship was so good. Eventually i realised I couldn't deny it was a big deal for me and we sought help.

When we were working with some one on this there was one session with her, near to disclosure, where the way he described his and our process around the healing just didn't ring true for me, but I dismissed this.

He never gaslit me or anything like that - just huge lying by omission.

Other than that there are things now I see were signs that he was struggling but I didn't have gut feelings about acting out. My concern is that in identifying these signs this will cause me massive distrust, should I choose to get back with him, which feels increasingly unlikely, or with someone else. Being an addict in recovery myself I know that no-one is ever completely free from occasionally doing something less than ideal ie over eating or over working. I don't want to leap on things like this as a sign that someone is in sex addiction!

I guess what this lesson teaches me is about my gut - I will know in future that when my gut tells me that something is wrong ie sexual shutting down. or a feeling of incongruence in a therapy session, it is. It also teaches me that if I notice someone's self care/recovery is off it probably is, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are acting out. In my partner's case maybe there were enough 'off' signs to give cause for concern but my recovery has taught me to focus on myself, not someone else. Confusing. Feedback welcome!

Luna Ray

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 1:48 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 164
I think a big problem with me was.. Is, the fact I shoved down gut feelings. Looking back I had gut feelings which turned out to be correct.
Over the years in retrospect gut feelings were correct, but I was so good in denial and dismissal, I put them down to my insecurity.
I have a nagging gut feeling which hasn't let up for years now, I think it is telling me that nothing will change, and that at the core my relationship is not good for me. It's like a Conflict with my inner self telling me one thing, while I try to push it down and tell myself things will change.
One problem I had was I connected the uncomfortable feelings with love.. That this was what it felt like, now I am healing I realise it isn't born of love
Allowing yourself to react to your gut feelings is harder than I imagined, the less I deny, the more powerfully they emerge, I see them as your subconscious telling you what you really know.. But your mind and ego thinks away and dismisses. I can look back and k ow my gut never was wrong..

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 9:01 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi LunaRey,

I have come to see that we face a couple issues with our intuition:

1. Culturally we (particularly as women) are conditioned to stifle our gut feelings, to value logic/rationality OVER or at the cost of our guts. (Note: logic and rationality have a place, too. The key is both are important for health and balance: our intuition balanced with our heads)

2. Our relationships further eroded our connection with our intuition and gut feelings and as Jenny alluded to, may have lead to 'crossed wires' with how we listen to our gut and intuition.

Here is where I am now: My intuition is an early beacon. It tells me things that I may not be able to articulate in a logical and coherent manner. My mistake in years past was attempting to match my intuition with a logical translation.

Today I know when my intuition tells me something, I may not have the direct translation. For example, it may not lead to the direct conclusion that my husband is acting out again. Instead, what I can learn from it is something in my environment is causing me discomfort, and my next steps are to practice self-care, slow down, and open myself to listening more to my intuition vs analyzing everything with my head. My gut doesn't provide me immediate answers. Instead, it tends to work in gentle nudges (and once in a while, especially if I keep suppressing it, its signals become more heightened).

I hope that may give you some help on how you can foster a healthier relationship with your gut/intuition.


PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 10:38 am 

Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Thank you both. This is really helpful. I especially resonate with the bit about intuition not having a direct translation, and the series of nudges rather than a one off event.

I can really see how the lessons are helping me with my own process. I am feeling more and more like I am going to leave my relationship, but whatever I decide the RN work, plus therapy, plus other support, is showing me what I need to know about me.

It's so great to get feedback and the perspective of others here - so appreciate you both taking time to share.

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