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PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:08 am 

Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Hello RN sisters, and there may be some brothers too

My partner and I have been separated for over three months on my request. During that time it has become clearer and clearer to me that I need to end the relationship, which I did last week. I feel deeply, deeply sad, and it has been so painful that at times I have felt it's the wrong decision. However I know it has not been made rashly and has come from a lot of work on self. I feel in my heart I need my emotional energy for myself at this time and that I don't have it to be walking alongside someone this close to active addiction, however sincere his recovery efforts seem or are. I grew up in a dysfunctional home permeated by sexual shame and untreated trauma. I choose to not be around that now as I heal from its effects – part of that healing is this decision.

It is heartbreaking as I look around at the home we have created together, and know that in the drawer next to the bed is an engagement ring; I accepted his marriage proposal three days before he confessed his acting out to me.

I've just done the writing on lesson 7 and in healthy reasons to stay I know that many apply to me: sincere love for my partner, a recognition of his beautiful qualities (outside of the addiction of course). However the desire to see him through his illness is not there. I want him to be well, absolutely, but for me I believe being with him, however much I detach and live my own life, will impact my energy too much. My experience is that being around high levels of shame, particularly in the area of sex, pervades me and my own sexuality energetically. I just don't want that anymore. I also know that there will be a lot of emotional work we will need to do together and I'm out of energy for that. Need it for me.

There's a bit of me that can feel bad - that I am less of a person for moving away and not standing by my man. Perhaps if I was younger and had less experience of loss I'd do this. Or if we'd been together for years and years and had children. But I can only go with the messages I am receiving from my heart and gut. Scary though it is.

I am taking courage from someone in my support network who left her SA partner 18 months ago and is now the happiest she's been, and she is single. I know everyone has their own unique path with this stuff. There is a bit of me that hopes what Jon writes in lesson 7 is true - that ending it with a finality can result some years down the line in successful reconciliation, but I am not holding out for that. I need to live my own life and let my ex-partner lead his.

I fear that he will do the work and then be with someone else while I remain alone. This may happen. It may not. I can only go with what feels right now and trust. I know that's not a healthy reason to stay.

Thank you for reading, and being here. I will be continuing with the lessons as they are really helping.

Luna Ray

PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2018 7:04 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 676
Luna Ray - I send my virtual embrace. No one here would ever question your decision to leave. You sound strong and healthy and have thought this through for what is in your best interest. And I completely agree that all of your energy needs to be focused on you, your healing, and your emotional well being.

I know you will grieve your losses, but I also hear and feel the excitement you have about a new life ahead of you. Your story of your friend who is happy with being single provides hope.

Wishing you joy and peace.


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