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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 9:57 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
I don’t know if I’ve found another clue about my husband’s addiction, but at this stage I’m wondering if it matters.

I discovered a social media account in the name of one of my husband’s ‘anonymous’ IDs. It was used to bookmark sites about unfaithful wives, threesomes, open relationships and swinging. It was a step beyond porn as some of it implies paid for encounters and webcams, although I suspect there is free content that fulfills the same purpose. To be honest, if my husband ever set up such an account on this platform during his addiction, the most likely explanation would be to bookmark sexually explicit content.

I haven’t said anything about this discovery because (1) the account may not be his (2) he has outright denied things in the past until I have presented the evidence, and then he claims to have no memory of doing so (3) he has denied physical infidelities, and he says he’s never did webcams, he has his story straight in his own mind and I fear that it’s too late for him to admit to anything else. (4) He may have used this account to link to pornographic materials without taking it further, in which case it wouldn’t actually achieve anything to push for this admission if it were true. I know he was addicted to porn and at this stage how he accessed it and what sites he used isn’t going to make much difference.

My problem is the nagging doubts. One one hand it may just be bookmarks, and he may well have fantasised about having no strings sex with married women, and just kept it as a fantasy. Does that matter at this point? Not really. It’s not nice, but sexual addictions are like that. If he did go further, that’s a bit more of a concern. Mostly because he’d have been lying to me when I gave him the opportunity to disclose anything he’d lied to me about in the period after d day. Webcams are an entirely different thing from hookups though. Webcams are more of an extension of internet porn. I could forgive that, but going further? That wouldn’t be easy to forgive. But then, it might not be his account at all — this is how the vicious circle of thought goes around.

If I say nothing, I wonder if, etc. If I was to say something, I can guarantee another one of *those* episodes. If it is his account he’d deny it. If it wasn’t his account he would deny it — how do I tell the difference? If I say nothing, I’m in the same position but without the fallout. My other question to myself is to ask myself how much this matters? My gut has always told me his addiction was more extensive than he admitted to in the beginning. I suspect physical infidelity but I don’t have anything else to go on other than gut feeling — I have no idea of when or who. Just a feeling. I have accepted this state of ‘not knowing’ as part of my recovery.

Just to say, I’m not copping out. Whatever the truth of this situation is, if it was part of his addiction then I can accept an imperfect past and and incomplete truth. At the same time I have l these pieces of a puzzle laid out, some fit, some don’t but the puzzle is forever incomplete.


Last edited by Blue In Paradise on Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 10:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 322
Yes, Blue, I can totally relate. I have these same questions. What I have discovered repeatedly, is that every time I had a gut instinct something was wrong, that he was using P again, it turns out I was right. But I still don't feel like I have all the "pieces of the puzzle" either. I have nagging doubts.

But now he's in the hospital getting mental health treatment.

Does your husband have any sort of program of recovery? If so, why shouldn't he voluntarily withdraw from that shared online account? There's no reason to have suspicious websites bookmarked if he is sincere about refraining from P or P-related SA fantasies you describe. Ultimately what it boils down to are: what are you willing to live with? And focus on your OWN intuition more than anything else. That's the big mistake I made, over and over in fact. Trusting what HE said rather than my own gut. Which has been right 100% of the time, I have discovered.

Trust yourself more than anyone else.

It's very hard though, when you want to believe someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. But I think we benefit most when we decide that our intuition is a pretty good guide.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:26 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Thanks for your reply. I decided to tell him about this site. He said it was nothing to do with him. There’s a probability that he’s telling the truth. I’d say a 60-70% probability if I was to quantify it. There’s an area of doubt, but as you know, after addiction is out in the open you can’t accept anyone’s word for anything. At this stage I’m open to the reality that his addictive behaviour was probably more extensive than he admits. I think with SAs & PAs you almost always have to leave a considerable margin of error when it comes to honesty and disclosure. Is this evidence of anything or not, and if so does it matter? I’m at the stage of saying that more evidence about acting out in past isn’t going to tell me very much and won’t change anything.

As for recovery, I’m confident enough to believe that his acting out has stopped, but dishonesty remains an issue. Not so much acting out but being honest and open about the small stuff. We’ve been in couples therapy and I think it has helped to some extent BUT he was omitting to tell me things AND going to therapy with me and giving the impression that he was willing to communicate better. Obviously not about the things he chose not to tell me. There were also aspects of his addiction that he didn’t want to be discussed. Although he stated this clearly to me, a year later he told me it was my decision. That was just not true at all. But then, we’d seen a therapist at the very earliest stages of his addiction and because I had no clue we had no opportunity to deal with the issue before it got out of hand - which it did. Again, this is just what I have to deal with after addiction although I also have to say that I was deceived for years but was too naive to know. As we all know, “recovery” isn’t a magical place. It’s a mix of the sometimes good and the frequently frustrating.


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