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 Post subject: Early stages
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 1:35 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:05 am
Posts: 7
I broke up with my partner 5 weeks ago when he confessed to having sex with a prostitute.
He’s realised he has a problem & goes to SA meetings.
I’m finding it all hard but we are still in touch even though it is too early to know if we could get back together.
The other day he told me he had had a relapse & been with another prostitute. He deeply regrets it & still plans on going to the SA meetings.

I’m just wondering if i can trust him again. He is friendly with a coworker & they socialise outside of work sometimes. He has spoken to her about his addiction.
My fear is that something may happen between them. As stupid as it sounds I think that would be more of a betrayal than him going to prostitutes!

Am I doing the right thing by staying friends with him?


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:04 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 12
Hey Early Stages,

I am also in the early stages of all this. 3 months in, but it feels like years.

As hard as it is to understand or do, it's true what they say. You have to work on healing yourself. I totally understand how difficult it is to not be friends or in contact with someone you loved, maybe still love. If you feel like staying friends is right for you, then so be it. But I will share a little of my experience. For me, it was so hard for me to not talk or think about my SA all day. As much as I wanted to, I really struggled. I finally realized how his struggles with relapses and SA meetings was taking a toll on me. I realized what I wanted in a husband he wouldn't be able to give to me at this time. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I needed space from him and had him move out. I also stopped contact. The first few days were excruciating and I questioned if I was doing the right thing. But by the 2nd week I had more clarity and felt myself getting healthy.

My point is, if you feel a friendship at this time (or any time) is causing you damage then you have every right to do what is best for YOU. Also don't be afraid to set boundaries if you do choose to stay in contact or have any form of relationship. I used to feel like boundaries made me sound crazy and controlling until it clicked that boundaries were to protect me and make me feel safe. They weren't about HIM. Setting my boundaries and sticking to them was a huge part in my growth. It was a big shift to put all the compassion and care I was putting on my SA and give it to myself.

Hope I could help.

While we never wanted to be on this journey, i truly believe it makes us into some of the strongest human beings. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 3:16 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:05 am
Posts: 7
Thanks Bravesoul2014 for the reply.
I never lived with my partner. We had never gotten round to moving in together so I have always had my own free time & life outside of being in a couple.
Because of this I know I can be on my own & I still enjoy doing things that don’t involve him & his “problems”
It still hurts what he did but I can live without him. The issue is I don’t want to.


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 11:10 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 12
Choclatelover unfortunately I can't help you much because I'm on the same boat. I guess the way I try to cope is I don't want to live without my SA, but I KNOW I can't live WITH my SA if he is still acting out. It's not good for him
And it's not healthy for me
It breaks my heart. As painful as it is to live without the SA, I think it'd be more painful to stay and live with the SA.

Just know you are not alone. Your feelings are normal. I wish I could stop loving my SA. But I know I need to love myself more.

Feel free to keep writing here. Or in a journal. Or therapy or close friends. I know I always benefit from getting my feelings out there. I think we need to just go through the emotions as we go through the journey of healing.


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 Post subject: Re: Early stages
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 9:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 322
I read your post with a feeling of being able to relate -- and that is still true even though D-day was years ago.

I've been on a healing journey since August 2009, which was D-Day. My SA confessed years of AO with a variety of prostitutes, one in particular. I struggle badly until I found RN a few years after D-day. That was the beginning of MY real healing. Just being able to write down my thoughts and feelings, get advice and support, and learn about my boundaries, did me a world of good and still does.

The road for me has not been easy. My SA seemed like on the road to recovery, and then relapsed into P, although he swears he has never AO since D-day.

But until recently, I sensed something was "off" and then discovered that he has been reverting quite heavily into continued P -- which I discovered after he was admitted to hospital for mental issues recently. He tells me he is over it now.

My mistake was not following my gut feelings that he was back into the P. I ignored some obvious red flags -- things I learned went hand in hand with it in the past before D-day.

I learned this from the people at RN who have had more recovery and perspective than me. If something seems amiss, it probably is. If you think the SA is lying, he probably is. I realize that now, yet again.

This time is different for me. He is getting treatment. We've talked a lot about his anger towards me, his escape into drinking and P, and his personal journey. He says he is over the P now -- but it remains to be seen once he is out of the hospital and free to do what he wants.

Will he relate to me normally without the P? Will he make me stay away (always a big red flag)? Will he return to abusing alcohol?

Only time will tell. I still remain only cautiously optimistic since up until now he has had no real game plan for recovery. I do not trust him -- but I also think that trusting himself isn't anywhere near as important as trusting my OWN instincts. That is what I recommend for you.

I also understand how very much we want a normal relationship -- we want to be with someone who adores us, who wants to be giving, open, honest, caring, loving. Who appreciates us and likes us for the person we are. Who doesn't "need" anyone else. But I have learned that someone who is an SA, who sees other women behind our back, etc. is emotionally disturbed. And unless they WANT to heal, there's nothing we can do. That is unfortunate but it's the truth.

And unless we see and sense solid evidence of change and real recovery, we are just kidding ourselves about how much they have actually recovered. Do we stay or move on or be friends?

The answer depends on us. What do I want? What can I live with that is less than I want -- after all, people are never 100% perfect. So I have learned to establish boundaries. What is sort of okay (ie he has a bit of bad temper, and I can live with that -- so do I, in fact). And what is NOT acceptable? I think these are subjective questions that each of us must answer on our own. Maybe it's okay to end a romance but still find a way to be friends. Maybe not. Ultimately, what do we need to feel happy?

Quote:
It still hurts what he did but I can live without him. The issue is I don’t want to.
Boy, can I ever relate to this. I feel this way too -- I can live without my SA, but I don't want to. I want him to be the man I know he could be if he only remained committed to personal healing. But that is faulty thinking. Who "is" he, not who "could" he be if he only tried enough?

The problem when living with (I mean figuratively, not necessarily under the same roof -- and my SA and I have never actually lived together) an addict of any sort, I think, is that our values tend to get skewed. We put up with behavior that previously we would find unacceptable. We get used to shabby treatment, to being shut out, being put down, being told we are not good enough, not exciting enough, etc etc. and if it weren't for us, there would be no problem. This is not healthy thinking.

No longer do I find it acceptable to just believe him when he says he is remorseful after another bout of unhealthy behavior (an alcohol-fuelled P bender). I need to see change.

And today, I am somehow aware that I do not want to be treated this way. My SA has to really deal with his attitudes and fears if I am going to feel fulfilled and want to stay with him.

As difficult of a decision it was to leave your SA, I am glad you did what you needed to do to look after yourself, especially if he is not yet quite ready to change, and if you have reason to think he might be continuing to AO with a person at work. Recovery often seems to happen in stages, and it takes a while for an SA to be able to have a committed, healthy relationship. It's good that your ex has been going to some self-help program. But what matters most is what you are doing for yourself (and what I'm doing for myself). I really hope RN can offer you the help and support it has given me and continues to give me.

The really great thing is that you have a file of your posts, so no matter how long an interval there is between sessions/lessons, you can pick up where you left off when YOU need it (or I should say, when I need it! Just knowing the community is there for me at the touch of a keyboard gives me a lot of encouragement to believe in myself and to know I am on a good path. I hope you will find that is true for you too.


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