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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:22 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:39 pm
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Here goes.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 8:14 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2013 7:56 pm
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I consider my values and the things I value to be 2 different things. My values, I hope, line up with God's values as laid out in the Bible. I could try to summarize them, but my husband knows them as well as I do. I think that 2 things do need to be emphasized as it relates to this situation, though.

1. Unrepentant sinners need to be confronted with the law.
2. Repentant and broken sinners need to hear the gospel of God's love and forgiveness.

These two rules are true no matter what sin we are talking about, and are as true about my sin as they are for him with his. To deny these two things is to deny myself and everything that I value, no matter what my husband has done. So the question that comes up with this is, "Is there repentance?" I believe that my husband truly repents of what he has done, but is trapped in the addiction. In that case, it would be wrong on my part to not forgive him and try to help him. That is at the root of my value system and to deny that would be the only way that my value system would be damaged by what my husband has done. My faith is stronger than any sin that my husband can commit.

As far as what I value, I value my faith, which my husband cannot take away. I value my husband and my marriage. He has done a great deal of damage to that. Our relationship has been based on lies and deception. My trust in him has been shattered. He has also done a great deal of damage to himself and his sexuality. He has made me feel that I am worthless to him and worthless as a woman. I am no longer able to trust his assessment of what is right and what is wrong.

I value my children, and while, what he has done has not directly impacted them as far as I know, the ways that he reacts to sin in general and the 2 rules above in particular have done a great deal of damage in our family unit. He behaves in a way that suggests that appearances are more important than actually trying to live without sin. He is extremely harsh with my son, while pretending that he does no wrong. He lives with double standards, which I am unwilling to live with ever again, especially given what he has done.

I value my church family. They do not know what has happened and I don't want to tell them, but that opens up secrecy in my relationships with all of them. This is damaging to me because without knowing what I am going through, they cannot support me, so I have been alienated from my support group while still being in it.

As far as character qualities, I value honesty, kindness, love, and trust. All of these, my husband has totally disregarded and run over roughshod.






What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
• Pornography of any kind anywhere
• Sexual innuendos about other women
• Any type of sexual contact with anyone else
• Hypocracy in dealing with others
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
• Harshness with others
• Pouting and refusing to discuss things
• Refusing to go to church
• Refusing to work out problems

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
• Getting up in the middle of the night to go on the computer
• Switching webpages when I come in the room
• Ignoring me
• Making sexual comments about others
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
• Sexuality in the framework of marriage instead of outside of it
• Approaching discipline/ correction of anyone from the standpoint of a fellow sinner instead of a judge
• Honesty with me no matter what, even when not confronted (tell me if you screw up)
• Discussing issues kindly and straightforwardly
• Actively seeking counseling to work through problems
Responses:
Generally speaking, I have made a decision to stay with my husband and help him through this as long as he is trying to work out his issues. I cannot think of responses in terms of consequences or punishments in light of my values and still be following the things that I believe in. Ultimately, the punishment for sin of any kind is the cross. That price has been paid by Jesus Christ. The only way that I can answer these questions is in light of 1) what will happen to me as a result of my husband’s failure, and 2) how can I help him to progress in his healing through my actions.
When my husband fails to avoid sin, it will hurt me. I am already a step away from complete devastation and have had to seek antidepressant medication to avoid being suicidal in response to what he has done. If he falls into sin again, I will sink lower. As my husband, I will need him to rescue me from absolute despair and help me to see hope in the situation that we are in. Some ways that he can do this are:
• Initiate a bible study or devotion with me to help me to see God in my situation
• Treat me as someone desirable sexually and non-sexually
• Come to me when you fail instead of leaving me to find out the hard way
• Seek counseling without me shoving it down your throat and share what you learn with me
• Seek counseling to ask how to help me
• Care for the needs of the house and property and give me time to heal
• Take care of me as if I am crippled – I am, and you did it
• Defend me to others when they think that I should be OK
• Pray for me and with me
In addition to this side of things, I promised my husband that I would help him to work through his addiction as best I can. The following actions are ways that I feel I can help my husband work through his addiction.
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
• Pornography of any kind anywhere
o Confrontation if needed, forgiveness if confessed and repented of
• Sexual innuendos about other women
o Confrontation if needed, forgiveness if confessed and repented of
• Any type of sexual contact with anyone else
o Confrontation if needed, forgiveness if confessed and repented of
• Hypocracy in dealing with others
o Confrontation if needed, forgiveness if confessed and repented of
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
• Harshness with others
o All of your sins will be dragged out in the open and shoved in your face until you stop
• Pouting and refusing to discuss things
o Counseling session with pastor
• Refusing to go to church
o Home visit
• Refusing to work out problems
o Separation until you resolve your issues – you will not be welcome in my home until this behavior stops

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
• Getting up in the middle of the night to go on the computer
o I will change your computer setting so that I am the administrator and will set up parental controls on your profile
• Switching webpages when I come in the room
o You will go back and show me exactly what you were looking at or same as above
• Ignoring me
o I will be hurt and need you to take care of me until I heal
• Making sexual comments about others
o Confrontation and discussion about how hurtful this is, forgiveness when repented of


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