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PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 7:17 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:05 pm
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EXERCISE 3

PARTNER:

Developing the Contract
I. The first step in developing a healing contract is to clearly document your existing values and boundaries. Again, these are your values — not your partner's and not your relationship's. If you aren't clear what these are, simply list five to ten areas of your life that you value (your values) and ways that you will protect those values (your boundaries).


1. To live my life according to Bible principles at all times and not allow anyone else to influence me to compromise those principles.

2. To keep my focus on spiritual activities and goals above all other
things and to not get involved in any endeavor that would distract me or take up excess time from my main focus.

3. To have respect for others and myself and make decisions that give
evidence of that respect and to let others know when their words or actions are causing me to feel disrespected.

4. I see myself filling my life with the things that bring me joy, peace, and fulfillment. I see myself limiting the time I give to people, thoughts, and activities that have a negative effect on me. I choose and decide to see, experience and contribute positive actions and emotions to the world each day and to limit my association with, contact, and exposure to people and things that do not promote these values.

5. To give 100% of myself in everything that I do and to not allow others words or actions to discourage me.

6. To value myself by making time to engage in activities that make me feel nurtured and vibrant such as: exercise; spending time in nature; listening to soul-filling music; reading books, watching videos, and listening to lectures that increase my knowledge and awareness; making well thought out purchases that contribute to my health and happiness; taking time out for silence and meditation; fulfilling my need for change and exploration; and surrounding myself with positive, supportive, motivating people, events, information, and media.

7. To recognize my limitations and not allow my own thinking, anyone or anything else to push me beyond what I am capable of at any given moment.

8. To continue to take in knowledge and educate myself on healthy
living emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually and to
strive to put in to practice all that I can.

9. To take actions to strengthen friendships and family relationships

10. I see myself striving to be more of a minimalist, freeing up time, space, and energy for more of the things I value.

II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?

1. foul language
2. pornography of any kind
3. drinking alcohol alone and/or having more than 1 drink
4. sexual jokes
5. flirting
6. comments about another females physical appearance
5. Time spent alone with another female
6. Phone conversations with any female unless it is strictly business and brief
7. Developing or attempting to develop a relationship with another woman on any level of sexual stimulation: actual or fantasy or minor crushes.
8. Dishonesty, being secretive, deflective, omissions
9. Making demands or rules regarding our sexual intimacy
10. Manipulating my emotions for his own advantage, sexual or not
11. Pursuing any sexual stimulation or practice: scanning; masturbation; viewing magazines, webpages, catalogs (physical or online stores); videos; listening to audio of any kind; stories; cybersex; - - - all for the purpose of sexual stimulation

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?

1. Working too hard and spending too much time at his job
2. Not acting according to his values
3. Wasting a lot of time on unimportant or selfish pursuits not in line with his values
4. Trying too hard to do what he thinks I want/need
5. Avoiding conflict by non-communication or over-communication

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?


1. Frequent unaccounted for time
2. Being secretive; avoiding communication; omission; deflection
3. Being overly attentive to me and trying too hard to do what he I want/need
4. Angry and defensive when questioned
5. Being cold, distant, avoiding me
6. Quitting recovery or any regular faith-and-value-building spiritual activities
7. Emotional withdrawal
8. Overly depressed behavior during stressful times in his life
9. Putting anything before our relationship other than spiritual matters
10. Trying to explain away questionable behavior
11. Being angry and judgmental in general

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

1. Complete transparency and 100% open and honest regular communication
2. Continued regular work on recovery
3. Continued focus on spiritual growth; daily Bible reading; regular personal study; working to reach set goals (which means setting specific goals and consistently tracking them)
4. Being accountable for his actions
5. Using his values to cope with challenges and stress in his life
6. Not avoiding conflict. I would like to see him face conflict in healthy ways and understand that this is part of life and our relationship. Conflict is an intimate way to deal with differences and is healthy. Avoidance is unhealthy. I would like to see us embrace and respect our differences and not see them as a negative but instead use them to our advantage in our life endeavors.
7. Continuing to make the healing and growth of our relationship a priority in a healthy way
8. I would like to see him building on his valuing me as a life partner; respecting me for who I am and loving me unconditionally, without judgement, and without objectification.

[b]III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior — should it be observed.
1. Both of you will take some time to create an individual list of perceived value conflicts that focus on your values that are being or may likely be violated by your partner's behavior. Use the outline shared earlier in the lesson (e.g. Developing the Contract) to establish awareness of all major conflicts. Note that we will not be addressing all of these conflicts in detail, only establishing that they exist. Additionally, we will begin to define the values and boundaries that are at the core of these conflicts. And an initial probe into the severity of each conflict (as dictated by the consequences). Post them into your Couple's Healing Thread.[/b]
(Note: I was uncomfortable with this section. I feel consequence-motivated actions or in-actions are ineffective tools in learning to making values-based decisions. I feel the SA should be the one to write the consequences for their own behaviors that violate either of our value systems. That being said, here is my exercise response.)

1. foul or hurtful language
CONSEQUENCE: ENDING THE CONVERSATION AND PHYSICAL SEPARATION UNTIL WE CAN HAVE HEALTHY INTERACTIONS AND COMMUNICATION.
2. Pursuing any sexual stimulation or practice: scanning; masturbation; viewing magazines, webpages, catalogs (physical or online stores); videos; listening to audio of any kind; stories; cyber-sex; pornography;- - - all for the purpose of sexual stimulation, even if just briefly.
CONSEQUENCE: INCREASE RECOVERY TO 3 DAYS A WEEK. PAY FOR ME TO GET A MASSAGE. SLEEP IN A SEPARATE ROOM FOR 1 NIGHT. WRITE A REPORT LISTING ALL THE VALUES YOU VIOLATED AND HOW YOU VIOLATED THEM. WRITE A LETTER EXPLAINING WHY YOU LOVE ME. READ THESE TO ME.
3. drinking alcohol alone and/or having more than 1 drink
CONSEQUENCE: YOU WILL SLEEP IN A SEPARATE ROOM FOR 1 NIGHT.
4. sexual jokes
CONSEQUENCE: YOU WILL MAKE A LIST EXPLAINING WHY SEXUAL JOKES ARE DISRESPECTFUL TO ME.
5. flirting
CONSEQUENCE: YOU WILL DO A RESEARCH PROJECT ON FLIRTING IN THE WT LIBRARY AND WRITE A REPORT THAT YOU WILL THEN READ TO ME. YOU WILL HAVE 1 WEEK TO DO THIS.
6. comments about another females physical appearance
CONSEQUENCE: YOU WILL APOLOGIZE AND EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE AND THREATENING TO ME.
5. Time spent alone with another female
CONSEQUENCE: YOU WILL TELL ME IMMEDIATELY AND WE WILL HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT IF IT WAS TRULY UNAVOIDABLE.
6. Phone conversations with any female, other than your mother or sister, unless it is strictly business and brief
CONSEQUENCE: IMMEDIATELY TELL ME ABOUT IT AND ADMIT YOU VIOLATED MY TRUST. YOU WILL THOROUGHLY CLEAN THE BATHROOM. IF YOU DENY, HIDE, OR TRY TO RATIONALIZE OR MINIMIZE THE EVENT YOU WILL WRITE A REPORT ADMITTING THE VALUES YOU VIOLATED AND EXPLAINING WHAT IT MEANS TO VALUE YOUR WIFE.
7. Developing or attempting to develop a relationship with another woman on any level of sexual stimulation: actual or fantasy or minor crushes.
CONSEQUENCE: IMMEDIATELY STOP. I EXPECT YOU TO RECOGNIZE THIS IN YOURSELF AND ADMIT TO IT FREELY WHEN/IF IT HAPPENS. HAND COPY AN ARTICLE OR CHAPTER OUT OF A THEOCRATIC PUBLICATION (INCLUDING WRITING OUT THE SCRIPTURES) HAVING TO DO WITH COMMITMENT AND/OR FAITHFULNESS IN MARRIAGE.
8. Dishonesty, being secretive, deflective, omissions
CONSEQUENCE: RESEARCH AND WRITE A 5 MINUTE TALK WITH THE THEME: HOW HONESTY BRINGS GLORY TO GOD
9. Making demands or rules regarding our sexual intimacy
CONSEQUENCE: WRITE A LIST OF 50 THINGS THAT LOVE IS (WHAT LOVE MEANS)
10. Manipulating my emotions for his own advantage, sexual or not
CONSEQUENCE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DOING THIS I WILL TELL YOU. WRITE AN EXPERIENCE OF A TIME WHEN YOU FELT USED EXPLAINING WHY YOU FELT THAT WAY AND HOW YOU VIEWED THAT PERSON AFTER THE INCIDENT.


1. Working too hard and spending too much time at his job
CONSEQUENCE: HAVE A DISCUSSION RE-EVALUATING YOUR LIFE'S PRIORITIES AND VALUES.
2. Not acting according to his values
CONSEQUENCE: PRINT OUT LIST OF VALUES. READ OVER THEM DAILY. KEEP THE LIST IN AN ACCESSIBLE, CONSISTENT LOCATION.
3. Wasting a lot of time on unimportant or selfish pursuits not in line with his values
CONSEQUENCE: WRITE A REPORT EXPLAINING YOUR VALUES, WHY THOSE ARE YOUR VALUES, AND THEN DISCUSS TOGETHER BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES.
4. Trying too hard to do what he thinks I want/need
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION ABOUT WHY YOU ARE ACTING THAT WAY, AND WHAT YOUR GOAL IS CONSCIOUSLY OR SUBCONSCIOUSLY, BY DOING THIS.
5. Avoiding conflict by non-communication or over-communication
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION ABOUT WHAT YOU FEAR AND WHY. DISCUSSION TO SEEK A RESOLUTION.

1. Frequent unaccounted for time
CONSEQUENCE: 100% HONESTY, TRANSPARENCY, AND TRUTH. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING OR ARE AFRAID TO TELL ME? ARE YOUR ACTIONS IN HARMONY WITH YOUR VALUES?
2. Being secretive; avoiding communication; omission; deflection
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION ABOUT HOW THIS IS UNDERMINING TRUST AND HINDERING HEALING.
3. Being overly attentive to me and trying too hard to do what he I want/need
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION ABOUT WHY YOU ARE ACTING THAT WAY, AND WHAT YOUR GOAL IS CONSCIOUSLY OR SUBCONSCIOUSLY, BY DOING THIS.
4. Angry and defensive when questioned
CONSEQUENCE: PHYSICAL SEPARATION UNTIL A LATER TIME WHEN COMMUNICATION CAN BE MORE EFFECTIVE. REVIEW 100% TRANSPARENCY, HONESTY, AND MALE AND FEMALE COMMUNICATION STYLES.
5. Being cold, distant, avoiding me
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION ABOUT WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
6. Quitting recovery or any regular faith-and-value-building spiritual activities
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION. MEETING WITH COUNSELORS. LIMIT ON TIME SPENT TOGETHER.
7. Emotional withdrawal
CONSEQUENCE: DISCUSSION TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT CAUSE, AND RESOLUTION.
8. Overly depressed behavior during stressful times in his life
CONSEQUENCE: READ VALUES DAILY. TAKE POSITIVE ACTION TO FILL YOUR TIME WITH ACTIVITIES THAT BUILD GODLY QUALITIES.
9. Putting anything before our relationship other than spiritual matters
CONSEQUENCE: WRITE ABOUT YOUR VALUES AND PRIORITIES AND WHAT YOUR ACTIONS ARE SAYING ABOUT YOU.
10. Trying to explain away questionable behavior
CONSEQUENCE: TAKE OWNERSHIP. BE ACCOUNTABLE. ACKNOWLEDGE THE AFFECT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE ON ME AND MY VIEW OF YOU.
11. Being angry and judgmental in general
CONSEQUENCE: SEPARATION UNTIL A BETTER TIME TO COMMUNICATE. 100% TRANSPARENCY, HONESTY, RESPECT.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SA:
Developing the Contract
I. The first step in developing a healing contract is to clearly document your existing values and boundaries. Again, these are your values — not your partner's and not your relationship's. If you aren't clear what these are, simply list five to ten areas of your life that you value (your values) and ways that you will protect those values (your boundaries).


1. Spirituality/Faith- I resolve not to allow anybody or anything to interfere with my relationship with God, which comes first in all things.
2.Wisdom- I will not allow popular opinion or pressure to influence my away from wisdom that I have acquired from noble sources.
3. Honesty- I intend not to allow fear or shame to get in the way of honesty- no matter the consequences.
4. Maintaining and Improving Marriage- As I am putting our marriage much higher on my priorities, and wish to put lots of work into it, I will not allow less important matters to distract me from these goals.
5. Trustworthiness- I endeavor to prove myself worthy of trust in all things. My resolve is to resist pressure from outside- but especially from the INSIDE- which might tempt me to take a selfish turn or be overly easy on myself at the expense of my trustworthiness.
6. Showing love to family- As I work to improve my communication and displays of love to family, I intend not to allow little things to get in the way. I also need to proceed in this direction even if my spouse has contrary thoughts or opinions.
7. Making Friends Feel Valued- this value is a work in progress, and so far has been on a very small scale. Therefore, as I progress in expressing this value, I need to do this regardless of whether the value of it is shared or not.
8. Self-Discipline- I need work here. So as I resolve to employ self-discipline against one temptation or another, I must protect my self-discipline against the tendency to go along with others or to be kind to myself. I certainly need to guard against my tendency to go right along with my cravings or desires.
9. Personal Development- My intention is to keep working on various aspects of my life with a determined view toward making myself of greater value to God, myself, and others. Therefore I will guard against weakening influences and careless associates.
10. Physical Health- I am determined to fight the human tendency to 'let go' or give up, and then go right downhill with some lifestyle-related ailment. As I fight ever harder to protect and enhance my health, I will remain alert to weakening trends in my behavior regarding food, lifestyle, and thought patterns. I will also continue to educate myself and keep fresh in mind the kind of information that will keep me motivated.

II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?

Sharing private details about our struggles with anybody/everybody.
Constant sarcasm/neglect/disrespect.
Outward displays of animosity/anger that make progress impossible.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
Moving forward quickly and then backing off.
Unwillingness to take a new step in healing.
Progressing very quickly just to "get back to normal".

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?

Unwillingness to work as a team.
Ignoring facts to avoid reality/pain.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
Balanced, even forward motion that is consistent. When nothing has gone wrong, nothing slows down or stops in healing/making progress. Appropriate privacy, decency and kindness. Dealing with facts, and being willing to work together to recover and heal.

III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior — should it be observed.


1. Sharing our private details with multiple people…
RESPONSE: I will ask you to explain to me why it was necessary to do this, and have you speak to counselors about it.

2. Displays of animosity or sarcasm, neglect, or disrespect…
RESPONSE: Do research on kindness within marriage. Share it with me on Thursday night.

3. Moving forward quickly, then backing off…
RESPONSE: I will require an explanation of what made it necessary to back off. I’ll need you to spill the beans and let out what’s bothering you.

4 Being unwilling to take the next step in healing…
RESPONSE: Explain to me what has stopped you, and what you need for reactivation.

5. Moving too quickly just to try to get back to normal…
RESPONSE: I will ask about the value of where we are trying to go with our healing/recovery. What is the goal here? How is that goal being cheated or denied by the current patterns? Tell me how I can help you regain balance and move at a comfortable but productive pace.

As I see in my partner balanced, measurable progress, consistency, respect for our privacy, appropriate decency and kindness, as well as a willingness to face the facts and work together to progress as a team, I will support this effort, respond in kind, and make known my appreciation for the work she is doing. I will make an effort to show her at least as much if not more hard work.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:02 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:05 pm
Posts: 30
Exercise 10

Ask yourself the following: “If my partner did the things that I have done —exactly as I have done them—what would I need in order to rebuild my trust in him/her?” Really think about this. What would you want from them, expect from them, demand from them? Share these thoughts in your Couple's Thread.


This is difficult for me… What I have done is hard to project onto my wife. Masturbation, fantasy, pornography, as well as some extra perverted and degraded rituals - also done completely alone - these have been my activities in SA. It’s hard for me to feel a high level of hurt, anger, sadness, or betrayal when picturing a situation where she has been doing these things. To be honest, I always wished she had more of an interest in these things. I’m not saying that that would be a GOOD thing, but when I imagine her doing what I have done, she just seems more wild and exciting. It’s so hard to imagine myself being very upset about these behaviors. I would have to know what it’s like to be sexually normal, so to speak. I can’t easily relate to being a non-sex addict, so it’s hard to imagine what I would need from her to rebuild trust.
I guess if she was looking at other men sexually, that would bother me. I would wonder if she was bored or unsatisfied with me, or needed something I couldn’t give her. I would feel jealous. And building on that, I guess I would resent the time, energy, and attention she was devoting to her addiction.
So, doing the best I can to try and project this situation the other way around, I guess I would need a commitment from her to change both her behavior and her motivations.
I would want to see evidence that she was making a serious effort to change. I would need to know for sure that her activities were not continuing on behind my back. I would expect that in order to trust her again, she would demonstrate full awareness of her weaknesses and temptations, and make a whole-hearted effort to divert her life entirely from her previous course.


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