Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Apr 20, 2021 10:56 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 4:42 pm 

Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:26 pm
Posts: 17
Sammie writing. We did this last night. We read the exercise on Thursday and jotted down our thoughts for caring activities. I wanted do do the same for him, on another night, because he's never experienced accepting care. He cooked a delicious meal for us both, feeding me and himself at same time.i was uncomfortable with the feeding idea at first, especially having just lost mama and having feed her, it felt raw from that and also just weird. Just I thought it would be for trust. It was awkward till he said, laughing, this is kinda silly isn't it, and we laughed and that made it better.

He'd told me months ago that sometime he wanted to wash my hair, so we did that. I went to change and came out surprised to find the funky but comfortable set up he made for me to lean back. It was sweet, tho there was that trust thing ago. I was nervous I'd fall (I'm clumsy lol). Took a deep breath and did it. Of course he didn't let me fall. Thus experience was so achingly tender it moved me to tears. He was so gentle, and seemed to be enjoying it. I am deaf so without my cochlear devices I heard nothing, which made me even more dependent, and it also makes me more in tune cues. I felt a tenderness for him I haven't felt since before discovery 6 months ago. It was a relief to let my guard down and experience trust and tenderness. In some way it gave me something all his words of remorse has not. In my silent mind, I remembered other times, post Op, when he'd cared for me. It helped dispel the messages repeating in my brain that he couldn't have ever loved me to be unfaithful for 30 years. His nearness was just so, his face so close to mine I could see his small smile as he worked. When he leaned in I felt his heartbeat and was reminded how fragile we are. He accidentally sprayed my face and we both laughed in the playful moment. I felt his tentativeness as he dried my hair and then sense when he grew more comfortable with it. As he combed my hair out he massaged my neck (which wasn't on the list). It felt extra special because it was spontaneous. Then we had a snack and while I got that ready, came back to living room where he had pillows laid out and oil to massage my feet and legs. He found the oil on his own without asking me 5 times lol. It was hard at first to accept so much and not give any back but finally I relaxed and enjoyed it. I felt relaxed in a way I haven't for years, not on thru discovery but the caregiving then death of my parents. I felt pampered, and loved. It was a truly special intimacy.

After this we separately wrote down our thoughts so I could add them here later as Ray doesn't type.

Ray: I first felt very appreciative of the opportunity to care for and nurture my wife. I was very grateful she would allow me this trust. It made me feel very close as a true marriage partnership should be.

I also thought of the time in the future when she actually might need me to do this if she no longer can. It was heartening to know that I would gladly care for her in any way I can, forever. It also reminded me that when she'd had surgery a few times that I could care for her even was I was active in my addiction. The realization being that I was not necessarily a bad person.

I believe this exercise will help me to be more aware of her humanness and the fragility that is our every day lives.

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1 post ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group