Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Feb 28, 2021 2:28 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 109 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:28 am 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
A. Describe the role a healthy core identity will provide
1. I will be honest with others and myself
2. What I do on the outside is what I am on the inside
3. I will make healthy decisions on handling life's decisions
B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in developing my core identity
1. I will respect myself more
2. I can be myself as who I am and not what others want me to be
3. I will not be in fear of making unhealthy decisions
4. I will gain respect from others
C. Examine my current core Identity
1. I am more aware of my feelings and actions when I am around other people
2. I have developed some boundaries around my values that help me make healthy decisions
3. If I make a destructive decision I feel guilty and shame and it motivates me me not to repeat the poor decision again
4. If I am caught in making a bad decision I will evaluate where I went wrong and work at correcting
the problem

PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2020 7:33 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Lesson 45
Map a compulsive Ritual
On a previous compulsive chain every morning for a couple weeks I would look out my bathroom window hoping to see a women two doors down from my home that sometimes puts on her make up in the nude with her blinds open.
- I was hoping to see her in the nude (Anticipation)
- When I looked this one morning she was putting on her make up in the nude (Excitement) (Visual)
- I started touching myself to in cress the excitement (increased excitement)
- My wife is in the attached room asleep, I was afraid she would wake up and catch me (fear)
- My wife did wake and did'n catch me but I had to stop watching the women (relived), (frustrated)
- My wife left for work and I started fantasizing (fantasizing)
- I stared masturbating slowly ( excitement) (anticipation)
- I started using lotion to increase the sensations (higher excitement)
- I had an orgasm (satisfaction) (completion)
Point of no return
- seeing the women in the nude

Last edited by Recovery on Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:17 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194

Last edited by Recovery on Sat May 02, 2020 2:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 1:51 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
From previous compulsive ritual, I am to identify the element immediately preceding the point of no return:
In this situation I would look out my upstairs bathroom window around 5 am every morning hoping to see a female neighbor putting on her make up in the nude. I have seen her in the past doing this. I would do this every morning. I would fantasize about it before I got out of bed with my wife sleeping next to me, I would start getting aroused just thinking about it. Before I look out the window I worry about my wife would catch me. This adds fear but also intensify my excitement too. Then I stop before I look out the window because if I do this, it is the point of no return. It would have led me to masturbate.
I realize that this would break a few of my values. My value of not lusting. my value of not masturbating and my value of cheating on my wife even in a fantasize. After I make this decision I feel proud of my self for not acting on my impulses and also holding to my values.

PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 2:51 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1) Envision different realistic scenarios I may encounter compulsive urge in the future and document them. (in each of them)
a) Identify how I will know when the urge will begin
b) Identify the point of no return
c) When I would create the break
(Do this exercise in my head)
2) Anticipate the emotion with each urge, isolate the emotions from my core identity and prepare myself to make a value based decision.
(do this in my head)
3) Choose one and put in my recovery thread
I practiced 6 different situations that could possible happen regarding a compulsive urge.

The one situation that has happened in the past and could happen again if I am not prepared:
My wife and I go to a family function at her adult daughter's home. Her family are Hispanic and as the party goes on during the evening the men start drinking strong alcohol and they all start talking Spanish which I don't understand the language. My wife will only drink one glass of wine but she will be talking Spanish also and I usually only drink one or two glasses of wine.
At most I usually get bored after about 3 hours. At this point I want to drink more wine and I start paying more attention to what the women are doing and what the are wearing. This could led to me to start lusting.
1. The urge will begin when I start getting bored and it is also around 3 hours I have been at the party.
2. The point of no return will be when I start watching what the women are wearing.
3. The break is to leave the party at this time.
The emotion involved is getting bored. My core identity is not to lust. So when I get bored and I want to lust. I make the decision to leave the party and by doing that it enforces my core identity and also my value

PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2020 5:59 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
For 3 days I practiced Role Playing and Visualization different things that could happen and how I would handle them

PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2020 5:32 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Started monitoring 06/01/20
- Communicate with my wife on a daily basis
- Don't spend hours scanning emails, news and politics for hours every day. check only 2 times per day
- When massaging my wife do it for her not to get stimulated myself
* Call my grandson once every two weeks
- Call my 4 children 2 times per month

I have been working on these things for one week at this point

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2020 3:10 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do I anticipate the consequences of using a healthy value-based decision to manage that urge to be? Thinking positive and negative consequences.
Positive consequences:
1. I will feel a sense of accomplishment that I did not act out.
2. I realize I am able to divert an urge and hold onto a value.
3. I feel encourage that I did the healthy decision and it will help me to do the right thing again.
Negative consequences:
I I would feel frustrated because I would not feel the rush I usually feel when I have acted out.
2.I would not get my immediate gratification.
B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the negative ritual. Think positive and negative.
1. I was using the acting out to cover up some feelings I was trying to avoid.
2.I would temporarily feel good and distracted.
Negative consequences:
1 This would make it easier to act out again.
2. I could get caught.
3.I would feel shame and quilt.
C. For each decision (value based and emotional based)
What long term effects will these consequences have on my identity and values?
Emotional based:
1.) This does not lead to recovery.
2.) I would not be learning personal management skills.
3.) I would lead me deeper into my addiction.
Value Based
1.) This will help me to strengthen my values.
2.) This will help me to use better management skills.
3.) This will help me to overcome my addiction.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2020 8:13 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
A. Consider one compulsive ritual
Going to Spanish speaking family function and I don't speak Spanish:
When I sit down with the family I make sure if possible not to sit directly across from the female
guests. Everyone there does speak English but when the men start drinking heavily they all start talking Spanish. My wife starts speaking Spanish also. At that point I start getting bored after being there 3 hours. I usually only have one glass of wine but after about 3 hours I start having a couple more drinks.
I start watching different women's facial expressions or where they move around the room and finally I start looking at heir bodies which leads to me LUSTING.
What are my options
1. Try to join in with the men and see if one will talk English with me.
2. Try to distract my wife so we can talk.
3. Go outside to take a break.
4. Watch the women.
5. Lust
6. leave the party and pick up my wife later.
Which options would be filtered out
1. I should not start drinking more.
2. I should not start watching the women.
3. I should not lust.
C. Positive Consequences of my actions
1. If I decide to act on my actions
a) I would feel excited
b) I would not be bored anymore
c) I would still be at the party with my wife
Negative consequences of my actions
a) I would not be faithful to my wife
b) I would not be growing in recovery.
c) I would feel guilt and shame.
2. I make the decision not to act on This option
a) I would be growing in my recovery
b) I would be faithful to my wife
c) I would feel proud of my self
3. I act on the option and that decision becomes know to others
a) I would not be invited to family functions again.
b) My wife would be very angry with me and also very embarrassed.
c) My wife would not allow me to go to any family functions again.
d) My wife would not trust me in other things she feels I might be doing in regards to my lack of recovery

PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:19 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Consider a situation (outside of addiction) where this isolation of feelings/emotions might be beneficial:
When my wife accuses me of something I didn't do and when I say I didn't do it and try to explain she says I am lying. I become frustrated because I am just a liar and starts putting me down and the situation was something very small.
I become frustrated, angry and argumentative.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 7:54 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Describe a situation where I consider masturbating be be against my values abd therefore a destructive act.
I find myself looking through my phone where women are being massaged nearly nude. If I start looking a a number of pictures and I masturbate, that would be against my values and boundaries.
Describe a situation where I would consider masturbating and it would be within my values and therefore a healthy act.
If I am massaging my wife and I become aroused and my wife doesn't feel like making love because she has been under a lot of stress. I will consider masturbating because I will not be able to sleep. If I cant sleep I might start fantasizing other situations which would unhealthy. So I masturbate instead.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2020 9:28 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Lesson Fifty-Four
A. Select a value based decision that I have made in the last year where where some negative consequences resulted from the decision.
a. I looked at some sparsely clothed women on my cell phone who were having a message. I was
intently looking through the pictures and my wife was sitting the room with me.
My wife asked me what I was looking at and I lied and said something about the presidential
election and I closed the site I was looking at. She had no proof at what I was looking at. She
didn't believe.
b. So I told her the truth and the following consequences happened.
* she said I wasn't being faithful to her
* she said I made this decision to look at this because I had not worked on RN for the last few
* she said she lost trust in me for betraying her
c. I had to admit that she was right in everything she said
B Emotional-based decision that I had a positive consequence.
a. I massaged my wife when we were going to bed and she fell asleep.. As I massage her I
became aroused and became very stimulated. I knew I would have difficulty falling asleep
because of this.
* I was concerned abought fantasizing about wanting to make love and not being able to
* I would be very tired the next day because of lack of sleep.
b. So I masturbated which was very satisfying.
I fell right asleep.
My wife was not aware of my masturbating and there were no negative consequences.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 3:19 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Practical Decision Making: Past
I am to choose a number of different sexual events and dissect my decision-making and look for the following questions:
1 Was I aware that I was experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
2. How intense were the emotions that was triggered by this event before I chose to act on it
3. At any point did I look at my values in a sincere effort for guidance in my decision-making?
4. After making the decision to act on it how long did the emotions last?
5. After the event, did I make an effort to evaluate the consequences of my decision? If so what did I conclude? If not do so now.
6. If there were consequences , how intense were the emotions? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
Walking on the beach with my wife on a hot day
1. Yes I was experiencing a sexual compulsive event
2. The intensity was about a number 5
3. I Briefly tried not to look at the women in bathing suits but kept looking at others
4. The emotions lasted a couple hours afterward
5. I did not evaluate the consequences at the time.
* This broke one of my values not to look and lust after women. I could have talked to my wife, or looked at the ocean or decided to leave.
6. The consequence was that my wife was upset that I was looking at other women and I she said she liked going to the beach and I ruined the out and she said she couldn't trust me. The emotions were strong about a 6. and it wasted for about 4 or 5 days.
Going to a family gathering at my stepdaughter's home and everyone mostly speaks Spanish when we get together.
1. Yes I was experiencing a sexual event
2. The intensity was a 3
3. We were at the event for about 5 hours and after about 3 hours I kept using my values not to look at the women and not lust
4. The emotions lasted for about 3 hours
5. I did evaluate after the event and I decided I had to prepare before I go to these events.
6. The consequences was that my wife saw me lusting after the women there and that said I could not go to family functions. then she started to let me go but give a bad time before and even after each time we went. The intensity of the emotion was about a 7 and this went on for a number of years.
Going out to lunch or dinner with the same family members as above and during these outing many of them would have a number of drinks and I did too.
1. Yes this was a sexual event
2. The intensity was about a 6
3. I drank too much and when I got board because every one was speaking Spanish and no one was talking to me I did not use any values.
4. The emotions lasted for about 3-4 hours
5. I felt a lot of quilt the next day and I decided I would not drink more then one drink when with the family
6. There were no consequences except the quilt that I felt which was for 2+3 days. The intensity was about a 4

PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:56 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
Practical Decision-making: Present
A. Choose some potential compulsive sexual events and asses my decision-making in relation to that event. Look at the following events with each. Do these in my head. I do not need to post them.
1. Will be aware that a compulsive event is occurring?
2. How intense do I anticipate the emotions triggered to?
3. At what point in the decision-making process will I look to my values for guidance?
4. If I make the decision to act on this sexual event how long do I anticipate emotions from the event last? How long will the stimulation last?
5. Anticipate the consequences of my decision to act on the urge. What consequences would there be if I was caught. If I weren't?
6. If there are consequences how intense do I anticipate the emotions from the consequences might be? How long might these feelings last?
* Walking on the beach the beach
* Family gatherings
* Going out to dinner with family
* Giving wife a message
*Taking a shower


PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 3:45 pm 

Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:42 pm
Posts: 194
1. Define a situation - Be specific and graphic.
* Goal is to change the emotional association with this situation
2. Evaluate all realistic options
* Look at healthy and unhealthy options
3. Evaluate the potential consequences of the options
- Don't include the boundaries
4. Make a decision to which value-based options I would choice
A. Situation
Going out to dinner with our 13 kids and their partners and they are all adults. Everyone sits around a large table and everyone starts drinking. When they get together they start to just talk Spanish which I don't understand. I start drinking too.
B. Options
* Option 1} I start looking at all the women on what they are doing.
* Option 2) I start watching all the women and waitresses around us
* Option 3) I start to Lust (OR)
* Option 4) I don't drink more the one drink
* Option 5) I talk to my wife or kids in English
* Option 6} I go home and one of the kids drives my wife later
C. Evaluate the consequences of the options I choose
* My wife could catch me watching and lusting
* My wife would say I can't go out with the family anymore
* Some of the family members could catch me lusting after them and get angry
* I would lose my wife's trust and be angry with me for months
D Which value -based decision I would choose
* I don't watch women
* I don't lust after women
* I respect my wife by not lusting

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 109 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group