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Recovery Workshop: Lesson One
Laying the Foundation for Permanent Change
One
day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in
a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where
do you want to go?" was his response.
"I don't know,"
Alice answered.
"Then,"
said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
-
Lewis Carroll
What
have I gotten myself into?
Could
you climb Mount Everest? It stands approximately 29,030 feet above sea level; ice cliffs jut upwards of three hundred feet per lift;
winds blow with such fury that temperatures frequently plummet one hundred degrees below zero. But say you cut
through the wind, survive the cold, and scale the grades--what's
next? How about the air? Oxygen levels deplete as you ascend to higher elevations such that climbing too fast turns your blood to the equivalent
of baking soda. You become nauseated, confused, lose control of normal functions such as coordination, rational thought and even breathing. Death,
of course, is a very real possibility. Even the most gifted climbers take
extraordinary precautions for survival. Still wondering if you
could make it? We've yet to consider the avalanches, the ice shifts,
the blizzards that erupt within minutes and last for days--so,
right now, today, could you climb Mt. Everest? Chances are--you
couldn't. Without the proper tools and without the proper training,
your efforts to reach the summit would fail. Perhaps you can't
relate to mountain climbing. Consider, then, the effort needed to
obtain a Ph.D., or to establish a successful business, or to raise
a healthy child. Imagine anything that takes an extraordinary
amount of time, effort and commitment.
Recovering
from addiction, or any pattern of compulsive behavior, is much
like climbing Everest. Simply wanting to climb is not enough. It takes
effort. It takes commitment. It takes time to adjust to your new altitude. And, as with Everest, you will fail
if not properly trained. This workshop is your training manual--your path up the mountain. It will show you how to climb, where
to climb and which paths you will want to avoid. However, the insights,
experiences, and instructions found within these pages will not
carry you to the summit. You are the only one who can
get to the top as you are the only one who knows which mountains
you are climbing and how high those summits lie.
This recovery workshop is a skills-based workshop
that is built upon human nature, common sense and constructive values.
Because this is not a self-contained treatment program, it supplements
many types of existing recovery programs: from rational
recovery to twelve steps; and from faith-based to secular. That is
not to say that the workshop incorporates all treatment approaches--it does not. It encapsulates what consistently works
in transitioning individuals from long-term patterns of compulsive
sexual/romantic behavior to a healthy recovery process...and then
from that recovery process to managing and monitoring a healthy lifestyle.
Assessing Your Motivation for Change
Addiction
is a pattern of destructive behavior that is rooted in compulsion and emotional immaturity. It is not, however, a fate. For many though, by the time they actually seek treatment (or because they have previously sought treatment multiple times), the patterns
being exhibited have already become ingrained as a part of who they are. If this is the case with you, and you have been struggling with a series of compulsive patterns for many years, then you likely feel that you are indeed destined to continue down this compulsive, irrational
path. That, because this is what feels natural
to you, it must be a natural part of you. It isn't. And by the end of this workshop you will know this for yourself with absolute certainty. But first, you will need to challenge yourself to throw away the misperceptions and misinformation that you have accumulated to this point in your life. You will not be 'starting over' but rather, you will be building a new foundation for perceiving your addiction and your life. One that will allow you to take what you have already learned and apply it with more effectiveness and with greater discrimination.
"But how will I know if change is possible?"
Change is not only possible, it is unavoidable. You will change and the direction of that change will be driven by what actions you take. You can never read another word and your life has already been destined to change. Continue to fall helpless to your compulsive patterns and the change will be a deeper ingraining of the addiction and a greater swath of destruction. Continue to engage in a pattern of relapse/recovery and the change will be a reinforcement of your inability to manage your life without addiction. Continue to pursue a sincere, complete commitment to rebuilding the core of who you are--building a life based on an evolving value system--and the change will involve living a life that you simply cannot currently comprehend. Not a perfect life, but a genuine life. One based in reality. In courage. In integrity. A life where the person that you are, is the person that others know you to be. Where love and acceptance are real, not illusions. If, in the back of your
mind, you're wondering whether building such a life is even possible for you, you can find the answer right now by objectively evaluating your motivation to recover.
By evaluating your motivation in an honest and courageous way,
you will be able to accurately judge just how successful you will
be in your recovery and transition to health. This motivational scale, and it is
nearly infallible, is as follows:
I.
If your primary motivation to recover stems from the desires of
others...
You
will fail in your recovery. External motivation is simply not
capable of producing the necessary emotional stimulation that
is required to overcome the intensity of a compulsive urge over
extended periods of time. The single exception to this rule is
when, in the course of recovery, you somehow connect to your own
personal reasons for wanting to change...but this is rare. If
you are currently engaging in a recovery process for the sake
of others, expect to fail. Go through the motions if you must,
but somewhere down the road, unless core changes are made within, expect addiction to remain a part of your life for
a long, long time.
Examples
of this type of recovery motivation:
-
My
wife says she will leave me if I don't go through treatment
- Addiction
treatment was part of my legal sentence
- I
have to attend treatment in order to see my kids again
- My
employer will not hire me back until I have completed treatment
Now,
to clarify, what is meant by 'recovery failure' is not the inability to
maintain abstinence. Forced abstinence can be achieved with any motivator--given
its intensity. Recovery failure in this context is meant as the inability
to permanently transition from addiction to a healthy lifestyle.
II.
If your primary motivation to recover stems from the consequences
of your addiction...
A
second common motivator in recovery is the hitting of 'rock bottom' or, in realistic terms, hitting the point where the pain of the
addiction can no longer be numbed by the addiction itself. When the
emotional pain of the addiction's consequences have grown too
great, the motivation to end the addiction
kicks in as the addiction is no longer capable of serving its
purpose. Although this is a significantly more powerful motivator
than the first, it too, is ultimately doomed for failure in long-term
recovery. Or, more accurately, it is doomed for a long-term recovery/relapse
cycle.
What
happens is this: when the emotional pain becomes too great to
temporarily manage with compulsive behaviors, the decision
to recover provides an intense emotional boost that helps to manage
that pain. The person feels good. That feeling may last for weeks,
it may last for months. But eventually, inevitably, the emotional
intensity that came with the commitment to recover wanes, and
the person finds themself, once again, lacking the ability
to manage their emotional life. A return to the addiction (or
another addiction) is the only emotional management strategy
that they have. This, followed by a re-commitment to recovery...followed
by another relapse...followed by, well, you get the idea. The
cycle will not end until the motivation for ending it has changed.
Those
who are motivated by a desire to end the pain of their addiction
fare much better than those who are recovering for the sake of
others. Such individuals can generate sustained, long-term
recovery efforts. However, for success to occur, the key will be found
in their ability to move past the initial stages of recovery and
begin to adopt healthy life management skills that will allow
them to achieve emotional maturity.
III.
If your primary motivation to recover stems from no longer wanting
to live such a lifestyle...
With
this being your motivator, you can be assured--right now--that
a permanent recovery is possible. Not easy. Not guaranteed. But
by following the path that has been set forth and traveled by thousands before
you, it is absolutely within your reach, should you choose to
pursue it.
Why is this the critical motivation for a permanent
recovery? Because recovery, while certainly aided by social support,
is a very private, personal act. The biggest demons you will face
will not be the social barriers placed in front of you, but the
personal ones that exist within you. Nobody can make you communicate
honestly with yourself. No one can take responsibility for your
thoughts, actions and desires. No one can point out to you the
internal games that you are playing with yourself in order to
maintain some connection to your addictive past. Or the games
that you will play as the addiction begins creeping back in. All
of these skills are critical in a permanent recovery...and the
only way of developing them is with a commitment to do so. Because
you want to...not because you have to.
With
this personal commitment and honesty in place, all else on the
recovery path can be effectively put into perspective. From the
consequences of your past, to the rebuilding of your future. From
forgiveness, to acceptance, to letting go. From every possible trigger
and barrier, to every single reward that is experienced. It is
all based on how real you are willing to be with yourself. And
how committed you are to living a real life.
Making
the Commitment to Recover
Consider
this: You can stop your addictive behavior this very moment.
To do so, simply pick up an addiction recovery book and read.
It doesn't matter which one. Read every word of every sentence
of every page. When you're finished, choose another. Then another.
Read until you've mastered every last one. Then start on the
magazine articles, the pamphlets, the videos, the lectures,
the internet...the amount of information now available to the
recovering addict is staggering, and the amount of time it would
take to complete such a task would place you well into the twenty-second
century. Certainly long enough to have fooled society into thinking
that you were "cured"; long enough even to have fooled
yourself. But should you ever stop reading, or going to meetings,
or attending therapy sessions...the behaviors return--they always
do. I have long been fascinated by the countless number of addicts
who can effortlessly recite each step of the twelve-step program
verbatim, yet continue to struggle with both their addiction
and their lives.
The
Recovery Workshop is not about offering you the illusion of
recovery. It is not about playing off of the initial euphoria
most addicts feel after first making the decision to recover.
It is about showing you how to change yourself--permanently.
It is about empowering you to take control of the rest of your
life, no matter where you're starting from. It is about attacking
compulsive behavior/addiction as you would a cancer. Destroying
it. Removing it from your existence. This workshop is about
learning to take pride in who you are and in where you're going,
rather than focusing on the shame of where you've been. But
first, you have to commit yourself to making whatever changes
are necessary.
The
single greatest predictor of success--be it in business, relationships,
or in addiction recovery--is found in the sincerity of the commitment
to succeed. Carve this in stone, tack it to your forehead, staple
it to a chicken--should you fail to permanently recover from
your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit
to recovery. That's not to say that you are without sincere
guilt or sorrow, or that a part of you doesn't want to change.
That's natural, and one of the first obstacles to overcome.
But the fact remains that you will never recover from addiction--ever--without the desire
to eliminate it permanently from your life.
As you may have
already discovered, no court-ordered treatment program, no ultimatum
from a loved one, not even a promise to God can give you the
strength to end the obsessive thoughts or curb the compulsive
behavior. They may slow you down, perhaps allow you to cease
the affairs, or curb the morning cigarette, but it won't last.
It can't. The root of addiction is not found in the behavior
itself; rather, it attaches to the core of your identity.
It becomes central to your existence. Perhaps you perceive your behavior,
no matter how personally deviant and socially unacceptable,
as normal. What's worse, you may begin to perceive yourself as abnormal
when not engaged in such compulsive behavior. Even if you are among those who feel repulsed by your compulsive actions and still feel at a loss as to how you can tame them with any permanency--your ability to commit to your recovery is relative to your motivation.
Passive
vs. Active Recovery
The
first step in making your commitment is to choose between a
passive recovery and an active recovery.
A
passive recovery involves your following a prescribed treatment
program, usually supervised by a therapist. Your "recovery"
is measured solely by your actions: Are you attending your counseling
sessions? Your group meetings? Have you read the assigned material?
Completed the assigned exercises? Are you taking the prescribed
medication? A consistent "yes" allows you to project
to all the illusion of recovery. But internally, your life retains
that feeling of chaos. Your thoughts haven't changed. Your desires
haven't changed. All that's changed is the depth of your secrecy
and the overwhelming hopelessness that accompanies a conflict
between one's values and their thoughts/behaviors. A passive
recovery looks good, even feels good for awhile, but as the
initial euphoria fades and your support system eases its grasp,
the chaotic feelings will return--as will the compulsive behaviors/obsessive
thoughts that you've used to control them. If you choose to
commit yourself to a passive recovery, you are not yet ready
to participate in this workshop. You will not benefit from,
nor understand the insights presented in the following months.
Recovery cannot be passively learned. It must be actively pursued.
Choosing
an active recovery means more than simply controlling your compulsive
thoughts and behaviors; it means making the choice to eliminate addictive patterns from your life forever. It's a scary
proposition. On the one hand, these patterns have no doubt caused
you significant emotional pain, for example, by way of guilt and shame; yet, they also bring great emotional
comfort. It's scary to think of a life without the feelings
that these patterns bring, and you might believe it's not even
possible. You might believe that these thoughts and behaviors are a representation
of who you really are. That you are somehow defective. That's
a normal line of thought, though not accurate. An active recovery means that you
have taken responsibility for who you are. And more importantly,
it means that you are ready to take responsibility for where
your life is headed. That you have made recovery your top priority--above
work, above religion, above recreation, above even family (of
course, as your recovery progresses, these priorities will change
and "recovery" will eventually be eliminated altogether).
Throughout the workshop, your sincerity to recover will be monitored
through your work. But again remember, do not passively complete
the exercises and read the insights and think that you are "going
through recovery". You are not. It is only when you see
each and every word as one more potential tool in YOUR recovery
that you are truly on the path to permanent success. When you
have made an active commitment to change, you will come to hate your compulsive
behavior. You will see its devastating consequences and vow
to conquer it. You will see recovery not as a punitive consequence
of a failed life, but as an extraordinary challenge to become
the person you want to be. A challenge to take pride in.
One
last issue that will need to be addressed, but not now...is
the tendency for some in recovery to become "addicted
to recovery". Their life becomes consumed by their
recovery efforts, and their recovery infiltrates every aspect
of their lives. While this can be a positive thing initially,
when recovery should be your top priority...true recovery
demands that your priorities change throughout the course
of your life. This means that, once the foundation for recovery
has been set, and the skills have been developed...once
your values have been identified and your goals prioritized...there
will come a time when you begin to transition away from
recovery. This is a good thing, and part of this workshop will be
dedicated to opening your eyes and guiding you towards a
balanced, peaceful transition--free from the destructive
behaviors associated with addiction.
Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.
B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.
C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:
Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old--but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence--something that is very hard to do through memory alone.
Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.
IMPORTANT NOTE!
The first seven lessons of this workshop are quite intensive. If you find yourself falling behind because of 'life', don't get discouraged. Simply give yourself an extra week or so to complete this first 'week' of the workshop. If you were in an inpatient treatment center, what you are being asked to do each day over this first week would be reasonable. But few lives can simply extract an extra two, three or four hours each day to accomplish such demanding tasks. Important tasks. Life-changing tasks. But you can't abandon your responsibility to manage your current life in order to complete them. So, stay focused on the goals...even if it takes you a bit longer than what is recommended within the ninety-day program.
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