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Recovery Workshop: Lesson ElevenAssessing Your Compulsive BehaviorThere are many ways to assess your addiction/compulsive behavior. Which assessment you choose should depend on what you are planning to do with the results of that assessment. If your goal is to quantify that you have an addiction and therefore require help...don't bother. In such a case, the only screening you need is this:
If there are, change them. It really is that simple. Not the 'changing part'--that can be complex...but the assessment part. That can be quite simple. Why? Because no screening tool exists that will be able to provide you with a more practical assessment of your combined awareness and motivation--two critical aspects required in recovery. It works like this: if you (or others) recognize that there are issues in your life but you will only take action should those issues be validated by some external instrument...then your fate is already sealed. Whatever changes you make will not take root. You will already be headed down the wrong path...under the guise of recovery. And so, if you are looking towards an assessment as a way of validating that you have a problem...stop. Screenings and assessments can be valuable, but not for this purpose.
In personal coaching, we offer two comprehensive assessment tools to help identify an individual's values, boundaries, behaviors, motivation, prognosis, etc. We use these tools to help identify the primary goals of recovery and to establish measurable objectives for assessing one's progress throughout the transition to health. Will these tools do you any good? Probably not. They are used in the context of a structured coaching approach. They were created for that specific purpose.
If you have already found the motivation to change whatever patterns that need changing, then your purpose of assessing your addiction will fall under learning more about your addiction: it's patterns, it's consequences, it's boundaries, etc. The following assessment is geared towards helping you do that. Note that it does not exist to assess whether or not you have an addiction (that concept is irrelevant to recovery), it exists to help you expand your awareness of the patterns themselves.
Exercise 11I. Behavioral AssessmentReview the following patterns commonly assocated with the sex/love addictions. Pay particular attention to the elements surrounding those behaviors that you have previously engaged in. The purpose of this assessment is not to determine whether or not you have a problem--or even how severe that problem may be--it is only to begin removing the emotions surrounding these behaviors so that you can begin working with them on functional terms.
Also, this list represents many common behaviors associated with compulsive ritualization. You will want to define your own rituals in the manner outlined below. For instance, if your rituals involve incestual molestation or writing love letters to strangers; even if your sexual behavior is limited to having sex with your partner--the potential for compulsive ritualization is there. Explore it. Openly, honestly and courageously. You are here to destroy these patterns in your life, not to protect them. Fantasy What is it? Fantasies are something that we all experience. They are necessary, healthy and can actually promote personal growth and facilitate learning. In addiction, they are the truest form of "instant gratification" and tend to expand into many other areas of a person's life (e.g. business, family, future). Fantasies allow a person to change their mood, balance stress, experience success...all with nothing more than the thoughts they have in their mind. The difficulty with too much fantasizing is that the differences in reality and fantasy are often great. Such a contrast often creates an emotional imbalance when comparing the two...and by now, we know where emotional imbalances lead. To further acting out.
In the context of this workshop, fantasies will be considered those sexual/romantic thought patterns that consistently distract you from your daily routine. The range of fantasy spans widely. Some experience it literally hundreds of times each day for just a few seconds each time (as in the case of a man in a shopping mall--with each woman walking by triggering brief sexual images); some experience fantasy as an event ("scheduling" an hour or more to do nothing but fantasize); and still others fantasize as a distraction from mundane work. As you review the behaviors associated with fantasy, look for general patterns that might translate specifically to your experiences--then focus on the boundaries, values and cues that you associate with fantasy. For instance, while Playboy may be used as a trigger for fantasy in one person...a romantic novel may be used in triggering another. Fantasy is your mind's need to escape, at least temporarily, from reality. To experience life in a way that you would not have otherwise. There is nothing wrong with this, until it begins to effect that reality in a negative way.
Obsessions are one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in recovery and one of the hardest to identify PRIOR to their development. They are the purest form of the "all or nothing principle", as they allow the obsessed person to focus on a single element in its extreme, and tend to process everything associated with the particular element as black and white. This is especially difficult in love addiction, where the target is a particular person with whom a relationship has already developed. Such relationships tend to be extremely chaotic and emotionally exhausting for the target of that obsession. Typically, obsessions allow a person to balance the stress in their lives by focusing on a single (or several) element(s). This makes their lives easier to manage--scratch that--this allows them to perceive that their lives as easier to manage, though they continue to experience the pressure, anger, anxiety and other negative emotions not usually experienced in fantasy.
Obsessions, in a sexual/romantic context, involve the compulsive need to think about certain people, situations and/or behavior. Even if they want to stop (or slow down) these thoughts, they are unable to. Obsessions distract the individual from focusing on a balanced life, and so as the obsession grows, the life becomes more and more out of balance. Relationships are destroyed, other values are lost. The person's reality becomes consumed by one or two major events in their life. Such obsessions may involve pleasure (in the case of "new love" and/or infatuation); they may involve pain (in the case of not being able to trust a partner); or they can even include an obsession with NOT have sex or being in a relationship (e.g. sexual anorexia, preoccupation with maintaining one's virginity).
Romantic Delusions are a rather rare form of both fantasy and obsession. They occur when an individual begins fantasizing about developing a romantic relationship with a particular person and becomes obsessed in the pursuit of that person. The original attraction and associated fantasies become what the individual now considers "reality". He/she believes that the person targeted is the true love of his/her life. Like obsessions, the behavioral pattern becomes a complete focus on the reciprocation of this love, and his/her perception of reality is lost in the process.
Common Patterns Associated with Fantasies, Obsessions and Delusions: I. Fantasies
II. Obsessions
III. Romantic Delusions
Elements Frequently Associated with:
Other Elements Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Fantasy, Obsession and/or Delusions are the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
Boundaries Frequently Violated By: Masturbation What is it? Masturbation, in the context of this workshop, is to be considered the purposeful act of genital stimulation by manual or artificial means for the express purpose of producing physically satisfying stimulation. Though it is generally considered a selfish, unhealthy act, masturbation can be used in a variety of healthy situations both alone and in the presence of a partner. Masturbation can actually be used to promote intimacy within a relationship.
For someone who is struggling with issues involving compulsive masturbation, however, such "healthy situations" should not be sought early on in recovery. Instead, an initial abstinence should be sought, until the compulsive nature of the behavior has been resolved. Another group for which "healthy masturbation" will not apply is anyone whose religious convictions forbid such acts. With such dictated values, the conflict between what is natural and what is forbidden is too great, and so the decision to act in such a way will produce significant emotional imbalance--which, as we know by now, often trigger the addictive process. Because healthy masturbation is not an option, these two groups will have an added burden in recovery, as they will need to generate additional strength from higher prioritized values. This is not an easy burden to overcome, but one that is certainly achievable.
Common Behaviors Associated with Masturbation: I. Self-stimulation by hand, mouth, etc.
II. Stimulation by artificial means
III. Stimulation by the use of living beings as physical objects
Elements Frequently Associated with Masturbation (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
Other Behaviors Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Masturbation is the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Masturbation
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Masturbation:
What is it? Pornography, in the context of this workshop, is to be considered the act of viewing any recorded sexually graphic material for the purpose of sexual and/or romantic stimulation. It should be noted that the presence of genitalia or sexual activity is not necessary for the visual stimulation to be classified as pornography (again, in the context of this workshop only) as our primary goal is to identify the underlying patterns of behavior, rather than to learn the technical classifications of each behavior.
Like masturbation, but in a much more limited scope, pornography can actually be used to promote intimacy and sexual health within a relationship. The scope of this, however, is so small that it is not recommended for anyone struggling with any sexually-compulsive behaviors until they have made the transition from recovery to health. One of the biggest consequences that pornography brings to the equation is its ability to zap the person of their emotional energy. This makes relationships (especially when those relationships involve intimacy) extremely difficult to maintain. It also effects their ability to produce the energy and strength needed to make the changes that need to be made in recovery.
Pornography is an exceptionally difficult behavior to deal with, due to its ease of access (both overtly and subtly). Additionally, one's ability to remember the images viewed (and the emotional connections that were associated with those images) create an instant "porn library" inside their head that is available for fantasy and masturbation...even when those images are no longer physically available.
Common Behaviors Associated with Pornography: I. Stimulation by the use of pictures
II. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit video
III. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit art
Elements Frequently Associated with Pornography (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
Other Behaviors Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Pornography is the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Pornography:
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Pornography:
Promiscuity What is it? Consider a woman who remains celibate until her wedding night, then sleeps with ten men in the first year of her marriage. Or the husband who, after seven years of faithfulness, begins a string of sexual encounters with other men in the local park. Or a young girl who sleeps with over thirty boys before she even graduates from high school. All of these behaviors are considered to be promiscuous. In the context of this workshop, promiscuity will be considered any sexual activity that involves another human being and resembles any of the behavioral patterns described below.
Promiscuity is one of the more dangerous and life-altering behaviors associated with the sex and love addictions, because the consequences are often extreme: pregnancy, abortions, AIDS, murder, rape. Few men can forgive themselves for passing on an STD to their faithful wife. Few women can ever let go of the lifelong guilt that comes from having an abortion, or from giving up their children for adoption. Other consequences of promiscuous behavior include STD's, getting robbed, blackmailed and more. Even when such consequences are never realized, those engaging in promiscuous behavior must still deal with the emotional drain that comes from maintaining numerous relationships, worrying about possible consequences, guilt/shame (when infidelity is involved), etc.
Promiscuity plays an important role in people's lives...most commonly, it allows those with a low self-esteem, or those who have been emotionally neglected to feel like they are needed, desired, useful. For others, it allows them to relive past abuse situations and still others, promiscuity fulfills nothing more than a masturbatory-like sexual release.
Common Behaviors Associated with Promiscuity:
Elements Frequently Associated with Promiscuity (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
Other Behaviors Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Promiscuity is the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Promiscuity
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Promiscuity:
What is it? Affairs, in the compulsive context of this workshop, are to be considered any romantic and/or sexual relationship with another person outside the boundaries of a committed relationship, that also fall into the outlines presented below. It is important to note that not all affairs are of a compulsive nature, and those which occur as a result of true love and companionship do not fall under the scope of this workshop. An example of this would be an isolated, long-term love affair between two people outside the boundaries of one or both of their committed relationships. The roles that these partners play in each other's lives is one of mutual respect, sharing and intimacy--in essence, they perform the roles frequently associated with a married couple.
Common Patterns Associated with Compulsive Affairs: I. Simultaneous, sustained affairs
II. Single, sustained affairs
III. Opportunistic, spontaneous affairs
Elements Frequently Associated with Affairs (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
Other Behaviors Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Affairs are the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Having Affairs
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Having Affairs:
ProstitutionWhat is it? There are two main issues involving prostitution within this workshop. Those who procure prostitutes (aka call girls, massage therapists, personal dancers, strangers, etc., when such roles include sexual contact in exchange for money/services/supplies) and those who agree to perform sexual acts in exchange for non-emotional compensation (i.e. materials, money, services). The main focus of this lesson will be on the former.
Those who compulsively pay for sexual acts tend to do so for a distinctly varied number of reasons. On the one hand, such behavior can often be traced back to emotional triggers: low self-esteem, intimacy issues, relationship anxiety, etc. The willingness to pay someone for sexual services provides an emotional safety net that allows them to engage in sexual activity without having to worry about rejection, humiliation, performance, etc. Another common trigger for such behavior is convenience. The individual does not want to invest the time or emotions necessary to maintain an affair, so they pay only for what they want, when they want it. A third common trigger is power/freedom--the willingness to pay for the experience of dominating someone sexually, or to engage in uninhibited sexual activity. Quite often, through a twisted sense of values, the thought of performing particular sexual acts on a loved one can be repulsive or shameful. The hiring of a prostitute allows the person to satisfy these needs, while at the same time maintain the "wholesome" images towards their committed partners. A fourth common trigger is the need to engage in illicit sexual behavior in order to gain full arousal. The person is not able to experience extreme sexual release unless the sexual act includes some type of socially reprehensible behavior such as paying for hand-jobs in public restrooms, paying others to role-playing elaborate sexual fantasies, engaging in sex with a "prostitute", etc. For such people, it is the very nature of the illicit act that triggers such an intense experience. Take the very same person, remove the illicit elements from the act, and the desire to continue the sexual experience ends.
As stated above, unlike most compulsive behaviors, where there is usually an easily identified pattern involved...prostitution runs the gamut in terms of how and why it is used. Additional triggers like curiosity, opportunity, boredom, lonliness, etc. can just as easily be identified--though they are not usually associated with the compulsive need to engage in prostitution.
Common Behaviors Associated with Prostitution:
Elements Frequently Associated with Prostitution (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
Other Behaviors Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Prostitution is the Primary Behavior:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Prostitution
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Prostitution:
What is it?
Rape For the purpose of this workshop, rape will be considered only in the context of the need for the perpetrator to achieve sexual gratification and/or to overcome extreme social anxiety or ineptness. Rape in an effort to exert power or domination does not fall within this scope. Nor does a person who merely fantasizes about rape. Additionally, the act of rape will be considered to be any action that involves the unconsenting sexual penetration of another person in an effort to achieve sexual gratification.
Sadism/Masochism For the purpose of this workshop, sadism will be considered the act of deriving sexual stimulation from the infliction of intentional physical or emotional pain on another person. This does not include the playful roleplaying of occasional mildly sadistic behavior (e.g. blindfolding, limb-tying, spanking) between consenting partners, but rather, the consistent need for such behaviors to be present in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Masochism will be considered to be the act of achieving sexual stimulation as a result of being the target of intentional physical or emotional pain. This does not include the playful roleplaying of occasional mild sadistic behavior (e.g. blindfolding, limb-tying, spanking) between consenting partners, but rather, the consistent need for such behaviors to be present in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Sexual Violence For the purpose of this workshop, sexual violence will refer to any act of violence, mutilation, desecration or other behavior involving significant physical damage, injury or death. These behaviors may also be classified as sadistic, but for this workshop, the difference will be in the extent/permanency of the damage involved.
Common Patterns Associated with Rape, S&M or Sexual Violence: I. Rape
II. S&M
III. Sexual Violence
Elements Frequently Associated with:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
Boundaries Frequently Violated By: Voyeuring, Exhibitionism & Stalking What is it?
Voyeuring For the purpose of this workshop, voyeuring will be considered the act of seeking sexual/romantic stimulation by watching others engaged in a variety of sexually arousing states (e.g. undressing, showering, erotic dancing, sexual activity). Though voyeuristic scenarios can be mutually arranged, the targets are most commonly not aware of the person watching them. When this is the case, such behavior is usually classified as a second-tier sexual addiction as legal charges can be filed should the voyeur be caught. That does not mean that it is necessarily more or less severe that an addiction that involves only masturbation or pornography, however. Additionally, voyeuring tends to be a more male-dominated activity.
Voyeurs have numerous fantasies involving their immediate targets (or potential targets)--ranging anywhere from romantic love to violent sexual acts. They often spend many hours in search of a target, and frequently engage in high-tech surveillance (e.g. binoculars, mini-cams, telescopes, night vision goggles). To the voyeur, much of the stimulation is created in the ritualistic fantasies that come while waiting. Similar to a gambler, it is the possibilities of what he/she may see that generate the beginning of the mind-altering experience. Voyeuring is frequently linked to pornography.
Exhibitionism For the purpose of this workshop, exhibitionism will be considered the act of exposing one's genitalia to others for the purpose of one's own sexual arousal. Though exhibitionistic scenarios can be mutually arranged, the most commonly associated behaviors involve the "accidental" or deliberate act of displaying genitalia in an effort to shock, surprise or arouse an unsuspecting target. When this is the case, such behavior is usually classified as a second-tier sexual addiction as legal charges can be filed should the exhibitionist be caught.
Exhibitionists often have accompanying fantasies that involve the reactions of their victims that range from victims having an overwhelming urge to engage in sexual activity with them, to absolute shock and disgust (though believing that they secretly liked what they saw). In a bizarre twist on reality, the great majority of exhibitionists often believe that their victims actually get aroused at the site of their genitals. Exhibitionism is frequently linked to both Pornography and Voyeuring.
Stalking (Romantic) Previously introduced as Romantic Delusions, the stalking being referred to here involves a romantic involvement where the stalker is seeking information and/or an emotional connection with the target. Such stalking occurs when an individual begins fantasizing about the possible development of a romantic relationship with a particular person and becomes obsessed in the pursuit of this person. The original attraction and associated fantasies become what the individual now considers "reality". He/she believes that the person targeted is indeed, the true love of his/her life, and the only goal is to create a situation where that love can be reciprocated.
Most often, such patterns tend to be found in individuals who suffer from social anxiety, low self-esteem and/or intense fear of rejection. Frequently, these individuals display a long history of perfectionistic, obsessive relationships dominated by jealousy and criticalness. Early in the relationship, partners can often feel emotionally overwhelmed, and the developing relationship can become an enormous drain on their energy and time. If, however, they too suffer from low self-esteem, this attention can be quite intoxicating and leave them with the intoxicating feeling of being "swept off their feet". Maintaining relationships for the romantic stalker is quite difficult, as they tend to have a low threshold for behaviors that fall outside of their idealistic image of "the perfect partner". To the romantic stalker, the focus on this one target allows them to escape from their own stressful reality. Their life is metaphorically condensed into the pursuit of getting this one person to accept them/love them. Achieving this, they believe, will help to balance their entire life--past, present and future.
Stalking involving force, threat, coercion or violence in the attempt to exerting power and control over an individual is not considered a behavior associated with the sex/love addictions.
Common Patterns Associated with Voyeuring, Exhibitionism and Romantic Stalking: I. Voyeuring
II. Exhibitionism
III. Romantic Stalking
Elements Frequently Associated with:
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
Boundaries Frequently Violated By: II. Initial Life Assessment Complete the following assessment. The results will be sent directly to me and I will then review them and send them back to you to use in tracking your progress.
Note: if you have already completed this assessment on your own or as part of the personal coaching process, there is no need to complete it again. However, if it has been more than thirty days since you completed the assessment, click here:
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