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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2021 7:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 93
lesson 62

3 likely scenarios
new apartment in NYC. alone. no job. seeking stimulation from phone / computer.

action plan:

1) Remove myself from apt.
2) Stay in a place that is safe (family, friends, Airbnb)
3) Focus on daily health monitoring include at least 6-8 different values for managing life (meditation, creativity, family, physical health, nutrition, mindfulness)
4) Assess life management weakness in system
5) Assess if conscious of relapse *absolute honesty required*
6) Assess consequences
7) Let go of shame


directing feature. acting out in a hotel room.
it starts out as scrolling on the tv channels. come across an adult programming. I would usually ignore it but since I’m so stressed out, I feel the heart race beat from the sensory of sight of this program. I click and watch it.
since this is a relapse lesson…this would have happened several times already where I am watching paid programming. I become aware that I am in a relapse and my action steps are to:

remove myself from the environment --- switch rooms / stay somewhere else / different hotel / motel / with a friend / family

focus on daily health monitoring for the next few weeks

contact someone I trust to determine:
weakness in life management system
if conscious of relapse --- requires absolute honesty
motivation
consequences
let it go


3)
end of relationships is looming with partner. seek comfort online from a stranger.

action plans:
technological detox – disconnect from phone / computer

focus on 6-8 values in the next few weeks for life management

assess:
motivation, consequences
if conscious of relapse system for life management
talk to someone
let the shame go




unlikely scenario:
parents killed in a car accident. I am acting out afterwards in my apartment.

action plans:
after burying my parents from untimely death, need to:

leave apartment, stay somewhere else safe (family, friends, Airbnb)

focus on development of values for 6-8 in the next few weeks

*weekly & daily health monitoring
*sexual weekly monitoring

assess life management system (anticipation)
consequences
motivation
talk to someone
review if conscious of decisions
let the shame go


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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2021 8:12 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK 1 - 4/26/21 to 5/3/21

This week, I'm going to look for opportunities to: improve my spanish

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?
spending time with family. after i finished moving my stuff into storage...i spent a very good week with my uncle and aunt in law. they really do treat me like their son and i just feel so much safer...and in a better place than actually living with my parents...where i am now.

the meals were great...and was good to spend time with them.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

oh absolutely. finalizing my move into storage last Monday was draining. i also felt i drained myself by after the move i found myself yelling at my friend for about 30 mins because he flaked on me for my move. he said many times for the past month or so he would be there for me for the move and then didn't show up the day of. yes there was miscommunication on my part, but i did not need to vent all my frustration onto him. that was not cool. i think this is a result of me not taking my adhd meds now and trying to live a life completely without any drugs. i'll need to learn how to sit with my anxiety instead of act on it...especially when not taking my meds

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
i did ok. it was easier to manage my life when i had time to manage my life during the week...but on the time crunch with the move...it was difficult last Monday.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?
well i am adjusting to living back at my parents. there is stress with living here. there have been sexual thoughts still with living here...and i need to just accept / NOT identify...but to accept....denying the thoughts and trying to change them has honestly made it worse instead of diminishing them. also most importantly i need to NOT act on them. especially the unhealthy ones.

to prepare myself for.
i think i will definitely need to do some role playing for mother's day. i am sure we'll all go out to a lovely restaurant, which means attractive people, which means i need to prepare my mind about how i've been approaching it before with the thought of..."may i respect others."

i think the problem i ran into when i was in LA this past week was that i was at a restaurant and i found the love addiction just flowing through my mind unfortunately :( like i saw a woman...and...i wish i could just be with them. and i became so envious of couples coming into the restaurant and it made me even more frustrated how i need to go through this detox period before i can even consider going out to meet people. i think the way that i wish i handled it is more with a sense of respect. sending positive thoughts for those couples that have something that i do not have yet.

i will develop a healthy relationship with someone. i will be able to take them out for dinner and enjoy a meal and be in health.

but i need to see that perspective first. envy of others that i know nothing about will not bring me happiness.
i can only hope that happiness will be with them. and that's what i want to practice when i continue to see either individuals or couples. may they be well. may i respect others.

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK 1 - 4/26/21 to 5/3/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?
yes some thoughts of Sara this past week. i think maybe briefly of ex but only random thoughts

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
no...but the house cleaner was in today. in the past i've struggled.
i think actually...yes i was hoping to impress this house cleaner in my parents home today. she seemed...cute?

i think maybe because i didn't write down my action plan before they arrived / during...that would have been helpful.

when i was picking up food today for my parents...yes i immediately thought of the girl at the restaurant that i would be picking up food. thankfully...was easy to brush off...i'm not sure what thought / action plan i used...but it wasn't a problem. especially since she wasn't even there...

binging of excessive electronic consumption?
no...but i did find myself using the internet late since i've arrived last night.

i basically created a soft boundary that internet searching is a complete waste of my time and i do not want to be spending my time doing that since it leads to most of my acting out. i found myself looking up info on this documentary about tiger woods and about his addiction.

there's this part of me that has been wrestling with the idea of living a balanced life through 6-8 strong values instead of a top-heavy value life. i think it was helpful in a way though to see the documentary and how....yes he's the greatest golfer ever...but at what price? insufficient life mgmt skills? i almost felt sad for him. and it's not some mystery why he jumps from sex addiction to prescription drugs etc....it's due to his llife mgmt skills.

there is a lot of...concern i have...with...how the hell will i be able to passionately and fiercely follow my creative dreams while also managing that life through health.

how will i do that? i don't know yet. i know i can write down a list of values and action plans that i can implement...but that's very easy to do behind a computer. i truly have to live this program to understand it.

eating junk food late at night?
ya...but it was more eating delicious baked muffins from my aunt in law

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
yes

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
thank god no....but i am no fool that i have not even come close to mastering my life mgmt skills

difficulty sleeping?
difficulty falling, but not staying asleep

am i eating normally?
ya

am i working out consistently? last time i worked out?
i worked out today on 5/3/21. i worked out....i think 2-3 times last week

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?
no

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 2-3 months?
yes...well two months ago it was my short. this past month it's been figuring out my life mgmt system on RN. i fear spending too much time on RN for just "obsessing" and becoming addicted to RN...however i cannot use that fear as a BS excuse for not building the life mgmt system i need

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future
oh ya...especially after going out the past weekend...
future...but not specifically anybody...well...actually...
no ya i fantasized when with my neighbor if she would be someone i would date. yet every time it always ends up the same answer...no. just cause we get along...she's just my friend.
thoughts of reaching out to Sara...i really need to let this person go because she's directly connected to my L&SA. i have zero information about her other than she's someone from the past, which means she's just an image, which means i think contacting her...even when i move past this stage in my recovery in the future (6-9 months)...i just don't think it's a healthy way to try to meet new ppl.

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
yes my neighbor

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
i didn't have an urge, but i am upset with getting angry at my friend after my move

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
no not the past few days



note...i know this was quite a long check in...i'll revise this as needed in the upcoming weeks...


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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2021 8:52 pm 
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lesson 63

review of daily monitoring - 5/4/21 - without mechanically...
today how did i do? it felt good overall. yes there were S&LA thoughts that came up...i think my approach was more of accepting instead of trying to change them out of fear. i could almost play with them with a sense of curiosity instead of this giant shape of fear towering over me.
i was able to focus on my weekly value / action plan on learning spanish. was easy to practice with my uncle in law visiting, yet felt a little timid with my parents today. overall...i felt good in terms of looking at different values / action plans as sources to balance my stress.

i think i also learned the importance of time mgmt. especially with my job and that i've been in this role for several years now and i am playing catch up with work. i think my motivation in catching up stems from being able to not only do a good job but so i can have the time to focus on my other values and most importantly finish my short film.

if i just spend all day doing work...and not efficiently...then i don't have as much time to devote towards building the other areas of my life.

i know i didn't need to write this down...but it's easier to just go through this process instead of just talking to myself in my head since it's easy to lose focus and get distracted...also i did a bit of role playing now on my walk for this upcoming week / weekend....

________________

for the rest of the week i'll be doing the daily health monitoring in my head. if i need to, i'll write it down. i did it in my head last night.

i adjusted my weekly health monitoring after gaining a better understanding of what i need to have with it...that the things that i am focusing on a daily basis --- that i then push this to the weekly monitoring to ensure that i'm not getting complacent?

at least for me that makes sense...

i think i just need to figure out --- when do i review my action plans? oh ya....that's it...at the start of the week like a Sunday i will review the things that i need to do...not just the things "to do" but things to do to manage my life. and i can review my action plans then as well...

i really like this approach because it's a system where i can be looking ahead and at the same time looking in the past --- a system where i can have my own checks and balances. this is crucial.



i know i'm not mentoring now...but if i was to give a mentee some of my own personal experience about health monitoring...it is extremely vital to not treat it like an assignment but to actually integrate it into your day to day life. to be thinking about / measuring the amount of stimulation you are receiving from a value....laughing with friends, working out, etc. whatever it is...that's what the health monitoring is. the whole point of writing it down is literally just documenting your experience from being in tune with them.

my downfalls of doing health monitoring last year was that i was treating it like a to do list. i think the reason is because i didn't spend more than three minutes doing it. i would review the four questions i would need to ask myself, and hand write it in my journal...a list of the things that i did. but i didn't allow myself any time to explore what i really did....

i think the most important thing is to experience the health monitoring...when you can do that and see it's purpose...then it becomes easier to use.


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PostPosted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:42 am 
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just updating on my recovery...i do feel like i'm struggling with my thoughts recently. i think i need to give myself time and patience though since my last slip on 3/25/21 was exactly six weeks ago. i also think that's why it's so crucial to be ahead of the curve of the slips...because every slip really is a blow to my self esteem and my integrity. i truly also feel that this slip was...probably the most important thing that happened to me this year since i feel there was a disconnect in my recovery since last year. i was putting in the work...but it was more like a homework assignment instead of true life skills that i was learning...then after my slip...things started to click.

i just feel i still have...probably the most frequent sexual & love addiction thoughts ever in my entire life. i think there is such an effort in me to actively change them that a part of me feels like this is resistance which is adding more fuel to the fire. i am most definitely over thinking my thoughts lol. analyzing everything about them and trying to change by writing affirmations down when i receive them, looking up at sky, just sitting with them and allowing to "accept" instead of identify them. i'm trying all of these techniques and i feel like it's just escalating.

i DO know the thoughts started to increase when i moved back home. i know triggers will be outside of living with my parents...but the triggers are definitely higher here than if i lived on my own. i will eventually move out of my parents house when i figure out my next step in terms of...working remotely...new job opportunities...but i can't just use that as an excuse. no matter where you go, there you are.

i'll be kind to myself when i have the thoughts / ie. triggered by my mom. sometimes writing down to break the habit helps. other times just accepting the thoughts instead of analyzing them helps too. i WILL move past them. it's crucial that i continue to put in this work....and that i continue to roleplay to prevent any future slips BEFORE they occur.

i know i've been role playing little moments like before i go to the grocery store. i think it's important to role play the bigger ones too like when i am on my computer late at night, or using my phone...and about role playing those action plans ie. shutting off laptop, going for a walk. i need to have that completely ingrained in my head before it even happens.

i think role playing both is a good idea on a daily basis. the day to day social interactions ones that i am anticipating in the next few days or hours...and also the more serious role playing such as whenever i am alone, tired, the internet, and seeking to reward myself. those four are the combination that usually leads to regret.

will continue working through these lessons.


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PostPosted: Mon May 10, 2021 10:11 am 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK 2 5/3/21 - 5/10/21

Today I'm going to look for opportunities to focus on mindfulness & also filmmaking towards end of the week

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

i would say majority of my fulfillment came from...helping my mom..and also being committed to work.

it was nice to help my mom with moving my uncle back into his home on friday. and also to help her a little bit on mother's day.

at work...it was good to perform better and help the company in providing a good monthly report for the dept i work in.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

oh yes...moving my uncle and the amount of time that was needed. i also did not plan accordingly with the 2nd shot for moderna. i do not think it was wise to help my uncle move in the same day i got the shot. by the time the evening came...i was knocked out. i was hoping to have a much more productive weekend...yet i ended up sleeping about 32 hrs over 72 hrs. that's about 8 hrs more than if i was sleeping 8 hrs a night. it helped me recognize...that as silly as it may seem....i need to have action plans when i am not well.

or if i am bed ridden for even months at a time and / or recovering from some surgery. that's all part of life and my action plans cannot be simply based on just "physical doing" it needs to be mental stimulation that i can ideally have actions for 6-8 values that i can simply do from a bed. i realize this because then again i run the risk of addiction.

just coming up with a quick action plan it can be as simply as:
creativity other than filmmaking (drawing, painting, writing)
consuming creativity (books, movies)
family, friends
spirituality (meditation)
mindfulness
physical health (if possible) --- stretching from bed?
nutrition --- making sure to eat as healthy as possible.....considering state...

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
i do not feel i managed it too well. the reason being is that i thought that pivoting towards watching movies that inspired me on Saturday was a good way to "recover" from my 2nd dose of moderna, but then why would i have a wet dream that night on some sexual addict weird thoughts? it very much upset me. though i do find it interesting, i did not feel a shift in my perception of my world as in me sexualizing it more. i think it's because this was something in my subconscious, and it proves to me...that the shift in perceptions happens on an active, conscious level.
which proves me to it's really about choice.

i also don't think i was managing my health well because i found myself stop writing down in my journal to create the break.
i don't know if it's because i thought i wasn't helpful or was making excuses that maybe it's making the thoughts stronger and stronger...but that's all bullsh*t. i need to eliminate this unhealthy compulsion once and for all so i can get on with my life and move past this stage to become the person i'm supposed to be.

of course i will always have to monitor this compulsion throughout my life, but it's more about....it being much easier to do that as soon as i create the break from it.

i don't care if i feel like it's getting worse i'm going to change my thought process with these sexualizing thoughts. and i'm going to return back to editing my short, which i know will provide much needed stimulation for allowing my fantasy mind to actually do what it's supposed to do...create :)

i will continue to write down in my little notebook when the thoughts come up to create the break. EVEN if the thoughts disappear by the time i grab my paper and pen...i'll still write them down. i think that was my excuse. like the thoughts are literally only 1/2 second long, by the time i get the paper out...i'm not really creating a break. no f that i'll be creating the break anyways. even if the SA in my brain doesn't want to.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

i think getting back to editing my short is providing some stress as well as stimulation. but it will be good to get back to it. i think the most important thing going ahead is to be practicing balance. balance with creating and utilizing my other values to stimulate me as well and not just editing.
like i will most likely edit this weekend hopefully a good amount. it will be really good to see if i can....balance this stimulation with other healthy stimulations (family, working out, autonomy, etc.)

how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?
i believe 3x

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
yes with family....mother's day about 3hrs

did i take my nightly walk? if so, how many times?
i did indeed...about 4x

was i committed to my job? approximately what time did i start and end work? did i feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day?
yes i was. i started around 10am ended around 7pm? except for Friday to help my uncle. i sort've felt accomplished, even though it's not what i want to do / will be doing in the future :)

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

no not yet...i unfortunately was sick mostly

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
yes i was watching inspirational movies, cont. reading novella

what types of meals did i have? how many times unhealthy foods?
...will remove this question

am i eating normally?
yes

eating junk food late at night?
ya past two nights having chips

did i practice positive affirmations? if so, how often?
yes multiple times daily

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
oh yes

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
yes i did today since sleep cycle is a bit off from this past wknd

binging of excessive electronic consumption?
yes but it was intentional with watching movies

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
yes stuck in head

difficulty sleeping?
yes last night


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY TEMPLATE
am i thinking of someone from the past?
yes --- former neighbor --- thoughts on Saturday
yes --- former highschool classmate --- thoughts on Sunday

i think i only started to have thoughts when i was unwell after 2nd dose of vax

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
i was hoping to connect with a nurse to give me the 2nd dose and it's so funny i found myself disappointed i didn't get paired with this "person" i was hoping would get me vax.
i wish i saw that one coming. i think for future...i can just ask myself logical questions...
do you even know this person? what's the long term goal for you to get paired with this person you're hoping for?
that's a good question to ask b/c there is no goal...

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
unfortunately yes i had a wet dream two nights ago...one day coincidentally after not well from vax

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?
yes i think i was having those thoughts last night....or those thoughts came up before i went to bed...coincidentally i struggled falling asleep

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 2-3 months?
just RN

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future
yes past --- oh yes it's connected to possibly moving back to LA in the next few months and considering about reaching out to someone but i continue to tell myself that...no.

i think writing down my thoughts for the love addiction thoughts is actually a good idea...and NOT just the sexual thoughts.
i think i may have done this but i want to make this more automatic.

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
yes

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
yes i had a wet dream 1 day after vax

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no...but wet dream...

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?
yes actually just fantasizing, but not looking up more info on this person...since i know if that person who is my inspiration was in my shoes...he would just focus on finishing the creative project he's working on.


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2021 9:46 am 
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lesson 64
where am I in my recovery?

a part of me still feels a bit lost. and a part of me feels like I’m starting to build out this life using a monitoring system for tracking:
health, SA

I want to expand on my tracking system --- and to build it as a weekly and monthly system for my:
values, action plans, boundaries
roleplaying future events
roleplaying unexpected events

I need to review:
my vision
earlier lessons

I know I’m roleplaying in my head a lot…but I need to have some sort of system of writing it down. I honestly think that visualizing the roleplaying by writing down the type of roleplaying scenarios would be extremely helpful.
to kind’ve build a map…
like a road map of where have I acted out in the past and how will I act in the future
and to use that same map for predicting future slips and how I want to act in the future instead

that’s the best way for me to move forward…it’ll take time….i think I was able to do that with the health and SA monitoring…I have it written down but I like having it on RN since it helps me track it and holds me accountable.


I think the part of me that feels lost are…with the thoughts. I think I’m starting to recognize that all of these thoughts…that I’ve been having…I simply need to just let them go. to just let them be. because that’s all they are. I’ve been working so hard on “changing my thoughts”…yet the only result of putting all of this work of trying to change my thoughts (breaking habit by mapping out the ritual, positive affirmations, mapping out ritual in my head, sitting with the feelings, etc, etc. etc.) the only result is…frustration at this point. I’m just becoming obsessed with trying to change my thoughts that I’m actually starting another compulsive / obsessive chain on these sexual / love addiction thoughts.

now..however..i do feel preparing for the situations where I have been prone to view people is different…that is helpful.

however just when I am home and I’ve found myself nervous about why / how could I find myself sexualizing my mom? like is it anxiety? this or that? and it’s just escalated even further where I’m just like at this point…whatever…they’re annoying. they’ll pass. let me just focus on building my life.

so…in short…I find myself in a very early part of my active recovery. I say active recovery because I’ve been in passive recovery for ten years. my active one has only been in the past month. I can say it’s been in the past year but honestly…I wasn’t connecting all of the pieces together…so maybe it could be active but it doesn’t feel like it.

I feel like I’m just starting to build the life management system. yet I think when I build the rest of the foundation of this life management system…it will then allow me to tackle new things that I want to tackle in my life (filmmaking, dating, physical health goals, other values)

i have to give myself patience on the thoughts. that will take time.

I think only when I complete building the rest of my life management / organization system for (values, action plans, reactive plans) --- and something tangible that I can monitor, track, and yes even review --- and I’ve built confidence in this part of my life…then and only then I think that’s when I’ll have the confidence to start dating again and to rebuild it in a healthy way.

how do I feel if addiction is a part of me?
I think that’s where I was running into trouble honestly the past month. I was so gung ho in eliminating this foreign alien that was attached to my core identity that I needed to get a gun and shoot it in the head. and to do it every time a thought came up. the only problem though…every time I shot it in the head…another head popped out. and I’ve been fighting these aliens in the bottom of this…ugly dark cave for a month and I realize…all I needed to do was to just turn on the light and walk down the street and just live my life. accept that the thoughts of the aliens exist. they are real. but they’re not going to strangle me to death.

in fact…they only grew because I was trying so hard to kill them…when in fact they kept spreading out further.

anyways this SoB addiction is still alive in me. but I am fully aware that it’s a compulsion more than anything.

how would it feel if the compulsions returned?
a part of me would want to turn that gun to my head than to rather deal to crawl my way out of the pit. yet I know I won’t do that so how would I handle?
I would like to handle it with more poise. with a sense of grace. and forgiveness and growth and all of that. I know beating myself up about things is what I’m good at yet I know that’s not very useful.
so I think the next time I may have a future slip when I keep my eyes off the target…I approach it with a sense of kindness. and a lift me up attitude…because I know the compulsions will want to bring me down and to stay down.

I think my value systems are definitely changing over the past year. they ebb and flow. some things just naturally happened that I’ve started to do and incorporate into my life that I never did before really or planned such as trying to learn Spanish. there’s been a lot of shame me not being able to fluent in it…and it’s been really good over the past few weeks just practicing it and listening to it instead of just disconnecting from conversations when my family starts talking in Spanish. I know my dad didn’t plan on me learning it as a child, yet that doesn’t mean I cannot learn it as an adult. so it’s been fun because it’s been a value that there isn’t much pressure to do it…but it’s just organically has been good…kind’ve like joining a gym after being out of shape for a while…it’s hard at first but then overtime you look forward to it.

overall…when I look at my overall “recovery” in the past ten years. I honestly think the biggest pieces that were missing…other than…motivation, sincerity, commitment, total honesty….

the most practical skill that I did not have in place is…a system for managing / monitoring / tracking my life. and I feel like I need. I REALLY really need that. I think I would get so laser focus on 1 or 2 values that things would naturally fall out of balance for compulsions to creep in.

I also need to be aware…how will I handle when life is out of balance?
how will I handle if I struggle hitting those 6-8 weekly values?

those are the bigger questions for the reactive action plans I want to have.


how has lesson 17 re: measuring the compulsions been for me?
I feel like it’s been an important foundation. but at the same time…I think I need to return to more work on it. especially the love addiction side is much more challenging to determine the components compared to the sexual addiction side.

it’s very very easy to measure the stimulation I would receive watching pornography until I climax. as an isolated ritual, that’s very easy.
how about a thought fantasizing about someone? if I measure the stimulation from the romantic delusion, not much right? how about when I have hundreds of those thoughts or maybe even thousands spanning from days to weeks to months?
that is the much more challenging and elusive romantic chains that are still in my head that I need to continue to identify and to also…just accept them. I think changing the stimulation from the love addiction component is a slight different process than the sex addiction component. I’ll need to spend more time reading up on RN about how others have overcame their LA side.

so yes lesson 17 is helpful. however, I don’t think I’ve really utilized it’s benefit into the reactive action plans. I mean…at least with lesson 22. well…I mean yes at the start of a ritual to identify certain elements. so…I’ll review that again after I finish these lessons.


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2021 9:19 am 
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lesson 65

my life after addiction. I’m actually going to rewrite my vision again after I finish these lessons.

I literally was able to have a “vision” of myself in the future. just thinking about myself in the future…and imagining what it would be like to be invited to have dinner at my future’s self home. I was greeted and taken into the home and in his home tour he showed me all of the things that are near and dear to his heart --- his values.

i’ll flesh out this new vision when I rewrite my vision again soon.


after rereading my vision now….it has a lot of the same pieces the first time around…but I think honestly the reason why I didn’t get this “vision” is because I couldn’t see it in my mind. and when I read my vision, a lot of the pieces are there, yet it’s all very idealistic and abstract. I have some specifics --- but it’s so much easier when I can actually see it in my mind. so I know I can see it in my mind now because….i still remember what it looks like…my new / updated vision that is.




just about the mentees / mentoring piece.
I think it’s important about noting the importance of the emotions leading to the compulsions. yet what about the thoughts? can we remove the thoughts? I think removing the thoughts is challenging….you can be open to the thoughts and sit with the emotions that accompany them.
I know that artificial stimulation that is connected with the urge / addiction.
at it’s height…it’s this out of body experience…literally…like some foreign alien that is somehow still latched to me. when I look at the tiny voice before it becomes that alien…it sounds like a crying little boy who dropped his ice cream on the ground, which is of course me…

but the more you feed the emotions of the crying boy deep down inside who wants another ice cream…and one ice cream is never enough…the more it turns and morphs from a sad child to this out of control alien that breaks through the skin of the boy ….that’s the out of body experience….it feels like this awful monster. anyways…the most important thing is that to…is to…be able to isolate the crying boy. when I want that chocolate boy…just to do something instead aligned with my values. I can anticipate that the crying boy still wants that second ice cream….but I know the crying boy will stop crying after some time. and I can go on with my life doing things that align with who I am.

for example…last night….i wanted to search foolish fantasy stuff on the internet. when I mean foolish, it’s exactly that. I’ve been fantasizing what kind of car will this future self have in his driveway. and I can’t believe it…the first car that came to mind is a rugged jeep wrangler. the one with the spare wheel hanging from the back and you can put a bike rack too hopefully. something adventurous and fun and I guess…me. but there was no point for me to google this at 11pm last night.
so I put aside the crying little boy…and went on a walk. and you know what? the boy stopped crying.


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2021 7:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Eurika

Quote:
the boy stopped crying.


thus the "lost kid" became the "foundman"

I belive and so should you
:g: :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri May 14, 2021 4:49 pm 
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thanks Kenzo. glad you notice the progress because i definitely feel it. i'll need to continue fleshing out my life mgmt system this weekend to help build on this momentum that i have now.


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PostPosted: Mon May 17, 2021 10:02 am 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK2 5/10/21 - 5/17/21

Today I'm going to look for opportunities to FOCUS ON EDITING MY SHORT AND USING MY ACTION PLANS TO HELP BALANCE THE STRESS / OBSESSIVENESS FROM THIS

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

majority of my meaning came from....last Monday....what was i doing? ya i was doing taxes so it wasn't really fun. the week felt kind've slow with work. i felt the majority of it came from the weekend.

friday...it felt good to help my mom. went to the dump. started to help clean out the outdoor patio. i could tell she wasn't doing too well so i know she appreciates when i help her out around the home.

saturday...was mixed...but most enjoyable part was seeing my friend from highschool. he has two kids and his 3 yr old was giving me a tour around her home. she grabbed my hand as she brought me up the stairs and showed me the place. she was so sweet, yet the at the same time i felt this sadness....how at such a vulnerable age i've heard too many stories in 12 step meetings about how they've had these traumatizing experiences at that age :/

but overall it was good though.

yesterday was by far the most exciting day for me. i FINALLY had time to work on my short. and i worked on it for a bit longer than anticipated...about 5hrs or so...i was in that flow....even though i felt i "should be" managing my life by balancing it out with other activities...but it was soo good to finally continue on it because i just want to wrap it up.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?
well yesterday i felt a bit drained at the end. also felt a bit exhausted from...work. i think it's better to try to work without music. i think it pumps me up too much and then i feel more drained.

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
i feel happy. i think i....oh ya....i definitely had a switch in my recovery...i think i've been OCD about sexual thoughts being at home and wanting to FORCE to change my thoughts. and i was able to use some of my mindfulness that i was focusing on last week and to just really...accept it all. and by accepting, it's easier to just let the thoughts be instead of control them. ironically, and thankfully, my mind has been less on edge about them.

not to say that they aren't there. they still are there daily. but the frequency has decreased a lot.


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

no big red flags. i think the biggest transition that i want to focus on is to improve my time management skills by managing my life with things that are important to me. for example, i do want to continue to work on editing my short during this week. however, i can't be consumed by it.

i would like to set up plans to finally joining a gym instead of working out on my own.

there are red flags with doing that though since i've been role playing....situations of going to the gym where i come across an attractive person and i shift my thinking to "may i respect her".


i think the biggest weakness that i still have is....being able to apply this thinking when i'm with others. i can apply it alone...but i need to continue to stretch myself when i'm with others. such as went to dinner on Saturday and i really wish i either wrote down my thoughts or just shifted my thinking into "may i respect her"...like there was a server who had shorts way too short and it's obviously...distracting. that's all i have to say about that. i wish i could have said in my head to her "may i respect her". those words never came up in my mind.
i think it's an excuse because the time frame of getting distracted and then talking with my friends is so small...but it's those small moments that i need continue to tackle.


what action steps did i complete for my values last week? what NEW action steps will i be taking for the upcoming week for my values
well i completed my taxes, i went to a mindful meeting last week, and continue to practice mindfulness this upcoming week.

i will need to set aside time to still do errands this upcoming week.
i also want to see if i can join this gym.

how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?

worked out about....3x i think?

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
yes...

did i take my nightly walk? if so, how many times?
not every night....i think about 2-3x. i found myself not taking it...and at times just taking a step outside for a few moments and just connecting with the surrounding.
let's see how i do this week...

was i committed to my job? approximately what time did i start and end work? did i feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day?
yes...but towards the end of the week it shifted. i didn't really feel a sense of accomplishment. let's focus on that this week.

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

yes finally. i did ignore other values by focusing on film project yesterday

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
i did watch a pilot of this tv show that i've always wanted to watch the other day. there are some other movies i want to watch though instead. i read a few comic books :)

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
yes but i didn't really yesterday. i had some instances that i practiced but not diligently enough...yet that's okay...

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
hmmm...definitely continue the gym, possibly flying back to LA in June for a week, spending time with a friend camping in August...

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
well still the ones from being home with mom, yet it's gone down a lot. ironically, i did have an increase in Loveaddiction thoughts since yesterday. i think maybe because...after visiting my friend on Saturday and seeing his family? i guess i thought it was because of working on my short but hmmm...

am i eating normally?
yes...but am being mindful to transition towards a cleaner diet...even though there are challenges with my father who does not eat clean. i'll just have to acknowledge all of the junk food in the house and to procrastinate to enjoying them at least for the weekends, yet not for the week.


eating junk food late at night?
other than wknd no...

did i practice positive affirmations? if so, how often?
yes...will move this to a monthly question...

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
yes i did my taxes

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
thankfully no...but i did actually turn off my alarm on sunday...but other than that no not a daily struggle

binging of excessive electronic consumption?
no...my use of internet has definitely changed over the past month...that habit loop of just searching for something on google just for the sake of it is waning....i'll let this habit loop fade

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
yes a bit...fear with my film project

difficulty sleeping?
a little bit last week


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK2 5/10/21 - 5/17/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?
yes i was yesterday and today...ctn and sara....but i cannot force to change my thoughts. i can only explore them with curiosity.

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
um....haven't seen anyone so doesn't apply

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
no

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?
no

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 2-3 months?
no...i know last week i said RN but i feel i've breathed a bit easier now that i'm starting to trust myself

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future
yes...about do i even want kids? will the person i choose not take of their body? i'm so....shallow when i have these thoughts...

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
i think the girls in the past are most definitely out of convenience since no one else to create the image of...

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
no

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
thank god no

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?
yes...and no. i envy how some directors launched their careers. i need to follow MY path...because that is my journey

*review number of values being balanced weekly
about 6-7 this week (autonomy, physical health, filmmaking, nature, culture, mindfulness, spirituality)

*add new action plans to upcoming week for the values
will just continue to take action on the autonomy (errands one)
will work on editing short


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PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2021 11:17 am 
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lesson 66

a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed?

I feel…after reading through this lesson….i feel I’m in an interesting space. it may be because I am waning off my prescription medications, yet reading this lesson was very intense and important for me.
my perspective of triggers have definitely changed. I think last year when I started this…I didn’t really have much of a plan for dealing with triggers. intellectually I did…yet through experiences….oh ya. I think towards the end of the year I started to implement mindfulness on triggers and I did slowly start to see them as opportunities for developing my mindfulness and getting tuned in my body.

I felt the anxiety and triggers from being home started to wane in January. after my slip 8 weeks ago, my anxiety just increased a lot and I definitely started to “force” a change in my perception. I felt like I was in that endless battle where every trigger became a moment to defeat the enemy.
about a week or two ago…I think I just gave up fighting on the battle. I realized it was exhausting and I didn’t want to live that way. I needed to “accept” that I was triggered at home…and ironically…after letting go…the triggers have started to diminish again. unfortunately, I’ll need to give it time because of after being home for so many months and feeling triggered, it will take time for it to unwind…yet that’s ok.

now…after reading this lesson and exploring it….it definitely feels like the lesson I needed to read. I think the part that hit me is “the emotions that I’ve associated with the stimuli is the trigger…not the stimuli itself”…or for me if I just simplify it as…I am triggered by my own emotions, that manifest as the stimuli…then that just makes all sense to me. especially because all of the triggers ive been dealing with are the thoughts based ones. the ones based on the love addiction where I trail off into thinking about someone because maybe I’m bored or lonely.

THESE are opportunities for connecting with my mindfulness. for dropping into my body. for connecting with…hmmm….how do my toes feel? warm? tight? pressure?
and not as a forceful exercise…but one out of curiosity…but the most important step is to ACCEPT the trigger. ACCEPT the stimuli that I am using to manage my emotions….and to use this same stimuli to develop something else that is important to me --- such as developing my mindfulness.

now obviously this is just ONE value that I can develop…and obviously for ones depending on location I can develop other ones….such as if I am doing something…I can just revert my attention to it…

but developing my mindfulness is so important because the triggers have all been ones occurring in my mind….even though all triggers exist in my mind…ya. so if they exist in my mind…then I can choose how to manage that uncomfortable emotion whatever it may be. anyways these triggers exist in my mind…not like I am triggered off a porn magazine I find on the street…


b) List five potential triggers for you — that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?



triggers…so not the start of rituals…
1)
so if I am tired, and want to relax, and want to go on the computer. and then I am on my computer and I have a thought to look up something on the internet. and I come across a person who is attractive. and I want to look up more information about her….but I have a little voice inside telling me to STOP and get up. and turn the computer off.

I can use this moment of energy where I feel drained to get recharged by taking a quick walk outside. and I can feel proud by doing that and not letting social media get the best of me where it may want me to spiral into feeding that wolf by giving it all of this fantasy energy.


2)
i have prepared myself to return back to dating. I am on a dating website. maybe it’s from a matchmaker and they give me a dating profile? or I am scrolling through?
and I have a moment to just look at it once and done. or I can continue to scroll through all of the other matches out there…and just get lost in this field of potential matches with people on the internet that I do not know.

I can just listen to that little voice inside of me….accept that I am triggered. check in….how do my toes feel? and then close the laptop….i can lie down…do a body scan. check in with my body sensations. if I’m up for it, I can go for a walk outside.


3)
I am home for the holidays. It is after new years. I am exhausted and drained from family time. I want to leave. I want to get out. I want to go on my phone. to search for someone. something to escape.

and I can recognize this itch. I can accept it. I can let it be. I can check in how do my toes feel? but before I do…I need to ACCEPT THAT I AM TRIGGERED. AND BECAUSE I AM TRIGGERED --- this is an OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH! an opportunity NOT to fear --- but to GROW. to GROW into the person that I want to become.

that’s what this trigger is there for. and I can ACCEPT the trigger --- WITH AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH. is it easy? NO. but can I grow? YES.

so I accept the trigger. I sit with it. I separate myself from my phone. I put it down. I perhaps lie on my bed do a body scan. I can take a walk outside if it’s not freezing out. connect with the world. sit with the silence. I can be connecting with values to become the person that I want to become.


4)
i am on a date with someone that I meet. it’s still fairly new…maybe a few dates. a part of me wants to ask her to come over to my place? or maybe she wants me to go to her place…no I would think about inviting her…yet I’m not ready yet. I haven’t built on this action plan. I think I might feel my heart racing about the thought of it. i ask her. she says no. I feel rejected. after that happens…maybe she’s not interested in getting to know me. I feel REJECTED. red alert…moment to turn a compulsive crisis into a moment of GROWTH.

I find my mind sitting in rejection for the next few weeks. I feel depressed. I’m not working out. I’m not even working on a creative project. I’m binging on the internet…googling how others were in similar situations and posting their sad stories online. feeling vicitimized. like I’m not worthy.
I get a HIT. I feel excited about reaching out to someone who would make me feel safe. maybe it’s that life coach that I felt was hitting on me? or a past ex? but then I can recognize…it’s not the STIMULI…it’s the emotions that I’ve associated with the stimuli.

I recognize the heart beat from the hit. I recognize I can either move backwards in my life or move forward. I DROP into my body feel the sensations. immediately I DISCONNECT from whatever I was doing to try to escape. if I was using my computer. I turn it off. considering it would be an ex or someone like that life coach who came across unprofessional…I disconnect from my phone.
since I would have been treading in dangerous waters for the past few weeks…I immediately reconnect with my DAILY HEALTH MONITORING.

I select one of the values that I haven’t developed recently and do it. or I just simply implement the ones that have worked in the past. I take care of my body. I workout. I do a long slow jog.

I monitor my daily health…not necessarily like a hawk looking for the next trigger…but for…these are opportunities for GROWTH.

it’s like batman. you accept the fear and make it your strength.



5)
I am extremely stressed working on a film project. it’s my first feature and I just finished the production. onto the post. I want to reward myself. maybe it’s a crew member? or maybe it’s the internet?
let’s try the crew member. maybe I’m still single. I have my dating plan in place. it all seems to logically make sense, right?
like if I am working in the career of my dreams, I have a dating plan and feel like I’ve made the full transition to health, and maybe there’s some attractive female on set. maybe the energy there. maybe she’s my actor or my producer. just someone involved.

and I want to do something. maybe ask her out? maybe make out?
maybe if she’s transgender I almost feel like I can hit on her. like it’s my movie and I can do what I want and she gave me signals and all of that justification. and maybe I can just…take this trigger….and those lies in my head…and use it for OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH.

for RESPECT…the value of respect…to tell myself in my head “may I respect her”. may I respect her. and to focus my attention to what’s most important, which is my film.

I can also….connect with…this stuff…not just avoiding the trigger…but to accept it. I AM TRIGGERED. by whatever emotions I’ve associated with this stimuli…maybe it’s arousal. maybe it’s excitement maybe it’s just my addiction…but whatever emotions…I can ACCEPT the trigger….and drop into my body…and feel the sensations…and then practice RESPECTING this person. as an actor. a colleague. someone you work with.

and to put a boundary --- even if I am attracted to someone --- I do NOT date as long as involved in the production. even if I have my dating plan actions health in place…I only do it….when i am not involved with that person on a work production. because maybe that person is a fit for me…but it’s not gonna happen on that set…

and also….this situation / trigger can be a moment to manage my life. to go running / take care of myself through other values / but to recognize also that….this is a moment to accept and to GROW…and to use this moment for building respect….for shifting my perspective on building respect. I can do other value based health activities afterwards…but for shifting my perspective of the trigger in that exact moment…I need to drop into my body and to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and to use it as a moment to build and to grow.


on another note…I know I do have big dreams that I want to accomplish. but I’m starting to recognize…that it’s the little moments that make someone healthy…for the transition to health. I can achieve my long term creative goals while also managing my life through health.

it’s not one or the other. it’s a choice.


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2021 3:46 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK3 5/16/21-5/23/21

Today I'm going to look for opportunities to: develop NUTRITION / COOKING. To cook this week. And when eating during Mon - Fri --- to eat healthy meals

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

Editing my short....yes yesterday was amazing to edit my short...i had a really good day doing it, even though if it was just for a few hours.
Also spending time with my brother was good as well.
I also worked really late on Friday. i feel mixed about it because i was working late and i didn't want to, yet it felt good to catch up in my job even though i didn't want to.

it was good as well to get balance from working out.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?
yes i did feel i was struggling sleeping the past week. a few factors are....i think it's been about ten days since my last anti-depressant medication that i took. i don't plan on taking them and so i've been tapering off the past six weeks....so last Wednesday i just had enough of it. i did find myself a bit more emotional than i would expect for the situation in the past week so i know that's influencing my mental health as it will wane.

i feel stress from this short...i love it but at the same time i'm not working on it as much as i want to. i know i need to achieve balance with my life now, and i think that's part of the frustration...i want to devote like 2-3 days straight to just wrap it up. it's not very long but there's still a lot of work to do and i just feel a bit frustrated because i want to develop these other areas of my life...but i feel concern about focusing on this one area / my short in lieu of my projects. so i have to see and maybe i'll make an exception so i can wrap this up...because i feel like when i wrap this up, then i can focus on other areas of my life such as moving out of my parents / when i figure out if i want to return back to LA or find other opportunities in NYC area. at the moment i'm split since they're both great cities with their own pros and cons....


also i felt drained / stressed because my mom asked me the other day gently about when i'll return to dating. this then triggered (i know only my emotions attached to the memory but whatever)...thoughts of when my dad got on my case a few months ago, which didn't feel good. i'm anticipating that my dad will have another lecture with me in the upcoming weeks around father's day on my status in life and how i need to "get my life together". it's extremely frustrating because as much work as i put into this transitional stage of my life to health...he doesn't understand. "sex addiction? you don't even date anyone." i imagine him thinking...

so i'm anticipating stress that is out of my control. but i do choose how to respond it...and i can visualize a response that appreciates his concern, yet that i am working on it...

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
well....well sort've.....i struggled with sleeping....so not as well as i hoped...


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

well it is memorial day weekend coming up which means more family time (sigh). i love it but at the same time i need to make my move out of my parents place.
so i need to anticipate that i won't be able to work on my short this upcoming Saturday...and if i really want to...i can help finish cleaning up the patio before Friday...since that's my day off from work and i would like to......work on my short that day....
so i think it's about anticipating the time that i do have available to me and making choices for the moments that i won't really have much of a choice ie. a bbq...as lovely as it is...


what action steps did i complete for my values last week? what NEW action steps will i be taking for the upcoming week for my values
well i did some errands...i worked on my short...i joined a gym....i went to the gym today...i feel fairly confident i am ingraining my nightly walks into my routine


how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?
about 3x a week...

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
Yes i did yesterday going to a tavern near my brother's new place.

was i committed to my job? did i feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day?
I was and i wasn't. i wasn't earlier in my work because i was working on my short.
i was on Friday, but i felt more depressed than accomplished at the end of the day.

it makes me wonder....do i just stay at my parents a bit longer after i finish my short to save more money and to have more time to get into freelancing photography?
because when i go back and start looking for a place...that's essentially going to take up most of my freetime for the rest of the year....because if i go back in September....i really only have two more months until the end of the year because the holidays will take up most of November and December with flying back and forth across the country. sigh....too much family time. lol.

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

yes i did but not as much as i would like...


did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
yes i read more of this novella. i'll finish it, yet it's OK at this point.

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
Of course...and i will hope to move this to a monthly question soon

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
hmmm...i think for the BBQ....?
continue to role play for the gym....for at home....for whenever i get those love addiction thoughts i can just gently remind myself "i will find love / i will find a partner"

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
Oh yes they are there. i think starting to gently remind myself "my mom loves me." like i started today is a helpful reminder to breaking the pain from the love addiction thoughts that they were trying to cover up. that's all those fantasies are....just cover ups for what i thought i cannot have or i do not have...when i think maybe i already DO have them...i just need to gently remind myself and allow the fantasies and images to naturally wane.

am i eating normally?
yes

eating junk food late at night?
a little on Friday night. those chips in the house are too addicting ha.

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
no i'm doing errands

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
yes i was

binging of excessive electronic consumption?
a LITTLE....but i wouldn't call it binging...i would just call it internet searching for a few minutes...but i realize....i don't think google serves any purpose in my life other than wasting my life. google does not have all of the answers...it just has foolish information to waste my time. yes it does have a purpose IF that is my intention --- to use the info to do something such as finding cooking recipes, or apartment searching...

but...searching random stuff on google for the sake of it was how i would procrastinate...thankfully i am not as often not and i prefer it this way

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
not too sure if this question is helpful i may remove it....


difficulty sleeping?
yes


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK3 5/16/21 - 5/23/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?
YES --- CTN and other girl from highschool.
EXTREMELY annoying....but i think i'll just continue to gently remind myself "i will find love / i will find a partner"
not to remind myself forcefully...but with acceptance and openness

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
hmmm...there was someone at the gym...that i wasn't sure if i was attempting to impress? i definitely was overthinking it...
ya...i went to an erg machine at the workout and it was nearby where this girl who asked me a question earlier. i could've chosen the erg machine closer to me lol but i went to the one further away and convinced myself i was going there because it was "near a mirror" but i think i really just hoped she saw me. how absurd.
i think i'll need to have action plans of gentle reminders "may i respect her" for people that talk to me in public that i do not know...
that makes sense...i think i was just role playing situations when i would just see someone...but it changes when someone talks to you that you don't know....and i think roleplaying it out for a bit would be helpful....just if someone talks to me and i can say in my mind "may i respect her" it changes the conversation and the thoughts after my conversation with her


waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
not with an erection, yet waking up in the middle of the night...difficulty sleeping


am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?
YES I WAS...i was last night. i'll own up to it. my brother wants me to live in NYC area...so then my thoughts switched to that girl who lives closeby / at least i think. and was thinking about that facebook message that i sent her a few days before my slip on 3/25/21...and about how that since i deactivated my facebook account afterwards...that she is not only not interested for sure but i permanently ended any further conversation with this person. and i think i did dream about this too. so yes. there are still love fantasies in my mind. but i'll need to continue with gentle reminders "i will find love / i will find a partner" whenever i choose to create a love fantasy about someone else.

if any RN mentor has thoughts on dealing with love addiction dreams / wet dreams --- that would be helpful :)

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 2-3 months?
i'm obsessed with finishing my short, yet i don't have as much time as i want to at the moment...

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future
yes in the past

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
YES

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
thank god no. but when i do have an urge / hit....i can use these moments to practice my action plan of DISCONNECTING from the electronic device / and or person --- doing something that aligns with my values like taking a walk


have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?
yes --- director that inspires me. not seeking out info on the internet...just thoughts about his own journey

*review number of values being balanced weekly
SPIRITUALITY, PHYSICAL HEALTH, NUTRITION, MINDFULNESS, AUTONOMY, CREATIVITY, NATURE, FILMMAKING, FAMILY

this is a little bit more than 6-8...YAY but i don't need to do all of these things to stay "balanced"

*review action plans from prior week

*add new action plans to upcoming week for the values
--- EATING HEALTHY, WORKING ON SHORT, FAM BAM TIME ON SATURDAY


Last edited by foundman on Sun May 23, 2021 4:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2021 3:53 pm 
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VISIONS
*note for these visions...i wrote these in the context that these are idealistic visions. they are to strive for. it is by far easiest for me to imagine my vision by having a conversation in the home of my future self. not all of the rooms are rooms that i expect to be in my home --- they are there just to represent my values. the vision doesn't include all of my values...and i guess which means that they aren't things that i don't necessarily value as well. values that are also written, may not spell out the value, but it's still a value from the description...ie. creativity is a value --- yet it's not in bold down below --- but it's still externalized from the books /dvds / guitar etc...

VISION - 10-15 YEARS FROM NOW
my current self is invited to have dinner with my future self ten years from now. main values are in bold

In ten to fifteen years when I’ll be around 43-48…

I imagine my future self in 10-15 years from now inviting my current self. I’ll be around 43-48.

I pull into a gravel driveway that is surrounded by gorgeous trees. A home at the end of the driveway seems to be nestled by the trees, flowers, plants that grow along it. I step out of my car and take in the NATURE environment. I see a rugged outdoorsy, adventurous JEEP parked on front. There are two mountain bikes hanging on the back of the JEEP. Camping gear is all seen stuffed in the back.

The home itself is quaint. It’s not too big and not too small. Just a cute small home that is connected with the beautiful environment surrounding it.

I ring the front door and am greeted by a tall, handsome man. Somehow looks coincidentally just like me. A few wrinkles showing and maybe a little gut. Overall, he seems lean and fit for his age. He wears a simple yet comfortable shirt and invites me indoors.

I walk with him down the long hallway past the entrance. I see pictures of him and his partner looking happy together --- traveling some foreign country --- immersed in a completely different CULTURE.

There’s a room I ask him about that is so simple and mysterious to me. There’s a little MEDITATION mat and a little buddha besides it. That’s all in the room, yet there’s something about it that seems so powerful. So much balance that rests in the simplicity of it all.

He also has a little WORKOUT gym. An erg machine. Some free weights. A road bike hanging from the wall. A few running medals from races completed.

Hears some music as we approach the KITCHEN and living room space. He already started COOKING a delicious meal. He introduces me to his beautiful PARTNER. I’m not sure if she’s pregnant, so I do not ask, yet it looks like she is.

A few of his FRIENDS and FAMILY members are in the living room area in front of the giant TV screen. This is more than just your normal TV screen. This is his sanctuary.

Besides the living room are decorations of old photography Canon FD lenses that he has on display, his Sony A7ii that he used for shooting short films in the past, and others. There are PRODUCTION stills from his recent MOVIES completed. When looking at the production stills --- - you see him completely immersed in his work directing --- there’s this calmness, yet intensity on his face. It’s what he’s meant to do…and you can see it in the photos.

There are also lovely hanging posters that are on display --- that were on display before in theaters for the release of his MOVIES. Not many --- but a few that he is truly proud of.
There’s the collection of his movies. And books too, that seem to go all around the living room.
His friends are sweet and friendly when we all get together to have dinner outside on his patio. Generous and thoughtful.

It was a great evening getting to know him that evening. He’s thoughtful, kind, empathetic, and sincere. He wants you to feel comfortable in his own home, and he wants you to know that you’re welcome here. He’s sincere in getting to know you – not intrusive and not avoidant. He’s present and this is a good man.

I leave that evening feeling content and a belly full with delicious food. I’m so glad he’s my friend and I hope to get to know him better.



VISION - 1 YEAR FROM NOW
I am invited to dinner by my future self at his apartment. He is close to 34.

I street park. I’m in an urban area. Not sure the city exactly. Either Los Angeles or NYC. Anyways he’s in an area that has a lot of energy. A lot of different stores where you can get different types of food to make for dinner that evening. It’s not for everyone.

I knock on his apartment door and am greeted by him. Surprisingly looks nearly identical. Bushy, fro. Beard. His body is a little bit more filled out after returning to the gym from hibernating from covid. Great smile. Warm energy, invites me in.

I see his road BIKE hanging from the wall. He has room for a mountain bike that he’ll be buying. Has a big camping backpack by his road bike.

I see pictures of FAMILY and FRIENDS in his apartment. He is definitely a minimalist for sure. A few items are in this studio / 1 bedroom, but you can tell the items that he owns are items that he cherishes.

He has quite a few post it notes hanging from the wall. A few MINDFULNESS quotes --- not the cliché ones you can buy online, but insightful ones that apply to him.

Also there’s a MEDITATION blanket that he has on the couch.

There’s also a great aroma of food being made that he is COOKING.

Walking into his living room area, he has a TV with a full line of DVDs and books that have inspired him.

In the corner where his work area is --- is his work remote / AUTONOMY set up for his day job.

He also has another desk for his creative projects. An upcoming FILM project that he is working on --- pages of the scripts are out on the desk with notes written all over them. Breakdowns of storyboards for the script are by the sides. You can see he’s busy planning something very important to him as there are notes and books and a lot of work all set around this one project.

He also has a few lovely PLANTS / NATURE hanging by the windows. A dragon plant, a snake plant, eternal plant, and a few other ones that he cares for.

We sit down for dinner. He gets a text from a girl he’s DATING now. He’s still trying to get his confidence in this part of his life, but you can tell he’s working on it and he’ll be there soon enough.

We talk for dinner. He’s sincere, charming, a bit awkward at times, but it’s a lovely dinner though with him. We watch one of his favorite movies afterwards. He shows me a few songs on his guitar that he plays.

The night ends after a few songs of listening to his guitar. He seems like a humble person with a lot of big dreams that he’s working towards, yet it’s great to see that he seems to be fairly balanced with where he is in his life.


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PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2021 12:07 am 
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random health check in....

my schedule for managing my life has shifted this week due to working on post production on my short...basically i'm changing my schedule to make sure i can put in time on it...may be working later at night than anticipated to record sound.

also just feel a little bit discouraged now after watching it on a bigger screen...i think i needed to export to a better higher quality file for watching it on a bigger screen and i immediately get discouraged and have all of these thoughts.

i need to remember...i will continue working on this. i'm not a full time director yet

yet as i know with recovery and health....anything with enough willpower and stamina can overcome obstacles.


i will continue using my other values to balance myself this week. working out, time with family for memorial weekend, even working on this as well...walks out on nature. this isn't a straight path, and i can journey through the unknown...that's where the adventure in life really is :)


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PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2021 11:26 am 
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lesson 67

potential switches:
investing / trading stocks
workaholic
videogames
internet
food --- desserts, sweet food
adrenaline rush --- driving fast

added questions to my weekly and some to my monthly monitoring system.

just reading this stuff on the addiction transfer and about red flags for preventing things for coming into other unhealthy habits.
i do feel frustrated because it'll be June soon....and i feel like these sexual / love addiction thoughts at home have increased into more bizarre and weird sexualization of being home.

it's frustrating because i definitely have hypersexualized things by trying to be on the defense as it's talked about in lesson 66. i feel like it comes and goes though. honestly i think my biggest tool that i have is curiosity.

i can continue to write down whenever i have thoughts...but i need to write them down by using curiosity to explore and ask myself...what do i REALLY get out of it.

i think by using the tools of role playing / writing things down / looking up at the sky --- have all been FORCED and have actually made things worse because i have not been using CURIOSITY.

HOWEVER...using role playing has been extremely helpful for viewing other people outside like going out to the grocery store. even at the gym, even though last Tuesday i was feeling blue and found myself in that objectifying pov.

in short...dealing with the sexual triggers is becoming much more easier to manage. it's more of these love addiction thoughts that lead to the sexualizing that is much more subtle and challenging.

i'll practice kindness and patience.
this is a battle in my mind. and i think the biggest tool that i have is to use curiosity...but wait...ya i can use these triggers as opportunities for putting down my sword and get my real tool out which is curiosity to grow this value when i experience these moments...

because it's interesting i did have these sexualizing thoughts first thing this morning when i woke up. it's like...WHY....but i know that's just an uncomfortable feeling....as it says in lesson 66:

Quote:
It is only the emotional associations that an individual develops in relation to a stimuli that will determine what is and what isn't a trigger...


next paragraph:

Quote:
recognize that a trigger isn't a battle that needs to be fought, it is an awareness that needs to be developed. Rather than each trigger being an emotionally draining, endless battle against possible relapse...they learn to achieve emotional fulfillment by learning to perceive each trigger as an opportunity



and i think this is the part where i am at now. i am some where between these two areas.

it's not that i just drop my sword and run away from the battle field. because the truth is....i don't have to fight them. but at the same time...i don't need to ignore them. i can use them as opportunities for growth. and i think that's the balance that i am searching for right now.

not in terms of "i'm exhausted i don't want to force to change my thoughts" because as i've learned...that's not possible to force to change your thoughts. you can use curiosity to become curious about the habit loops and ask myself what do i get from this. and that's the stage that i'm at now.
i know it feels like some parts i'm not moving forward. but i know the SHIP IS SAILING. the ship is sailing and there are rough tides where sea water will flood the deck. but we're not sinking. we're still moving forward through the storm.


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