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PostPosted: Sat May 29, 2021 10:53 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
health update....

I was just reading Coach Boundless journal entry on love addiction in the community forum. it definitely reaffirms that I’m exactly where I’m at: unfortunately still in early recovery. I have not yet separated from my addiction from my core identity, which is why it’s been so frustrating trying to fight these thoughts by attempting to force change. however, I know my attempts are sincere…which is good. and if I’m sincere, I WILL root this out from my identity.

I do know there is still a lot of work to do in terms of love addiction after I complete the lessons --- just a summary on the:
connecting unhealthy thoughts with beliefs
redefining personal boundaries
vision for my romantic life
reevaluating how love addiction has changed my perception of my important relationships with family & friends --- and what really aligns with my values

having complete and immediate honesty



I think the immediate honesty is actually really important. much like in sex addiction, you need to stop the actions upon receiving an urge. or like…with scanning…you see someone and the thoughts of how I want to perceive them kicks in “may I respect them / him / her”. considering I’m still fairly new at it, it’s not 100% but it gets easier over time.


and I need to be honest with my honesty monitor. I think I may need to update my weekly monitoring plan for love addiction / flesh it out more.
I don’t think I’ve been honest with my love addiction side.

I know I’ve struggled with thoughts at home. I’m convinced it’s completely connected with my mother / love addiction though. I think I’ve been triggered by my mom because I think…I was thinking about this the other day…but that….but that…I think that I wanted to marry my mom. that I wanted to love my mom. or that only she would love me. and I think that children experience this in the Oedipus complex but I don’t know if there was an actual shift for me? like I actually remember my mom when I was 12 I think I imagined that I would experience a romantic / sexual experience with her? I do remember when I was around that time I did watch some incest porn. so ironically…20 years or so later…it’s not a coincidence that I would be struggling with these thoughts still.

I think those incestual thoughts came from…thinking that this is the only way I can be validated? I’m not entirely sure what the underlying belief is…and this is where I get upset at therapy because I can justify any sort of thoughts / excuses for my actions or to understand the why…but what does that change? well what do I have to lose now that I’m being 100% honest with myself.

I think I had those thoughts because maybe…I just thought that I would be alone forever…

why did I have that belief? because I think that being on the aspie spectrum and learning to communicate past the age of two…I think it creates this disconnect….that no one understands you….no one gets you. you’re alone. even if you’re not alone physically…you’re still alone emotionally because no one understands your pain. you’re rage. the hurt inside.

and I think that….in terms of sexualizing and romanticizing…I think like my mom became this target since she was one of the few people that I would see who was a woman and i think that’s what it came to. if she can’t take care of me, then who would love me?

and I think that’s why I developed such a strong attraction to older women / especially my teachers as a junior high school student. since I obviously couldn’t get that from my mom…or I had such poor boundaries in place that I just didn’t know….then I then shifted that attention to my teachers.

and after I shifted that attention to my teachers…like there was something perfect about it. they were older, they were adults, they could take care of me, right? and it was sexualizing but also romanticizing as well…

and I know for me….it always comes down to this feeling of being alone forever. and I think it comes down to something that coachboundless wrote about….looking to others / external objects / people for generating those feelings of love instead of generating those feelings of love for ourselves.

and I think that’s why that idea of…”being alone forever” was so horrifying for me. I think that’s why….i would wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I was having a panic attack whenever I thought about my mortality….because I don’t think I built up the capacity to develop this deep love for myself.

and I think….only about the past year or two I’ve been doing that slowly and surely with positive affirmations but most importantly with meditation…

however….i think it’s important to mechanically implement this as well.

I think something else that I haven’t been honest with myself is that…as I prepare myself to return back to dating…whenever that will be….that considering I might move back to LA…there’s this ONE person that I already have in mind to reach out to. and it’s become obsessive. it’s not a healthy thought. the thoughts basically are like….oh well I want to connect with this old high school classmate and see if she wants to meet up…
on the surface it’s not breaking any boundaries…at least none that I have written up yet…
but I also feel that…part of my love addiction is fantasizing with people from the past…because I have something to draw up / create if I think of them…easier to create a fantasy from something I know than nothing, right?
however that’s the problem…

so I would like to….even though this may be a bit uncomfortable….to see if I can implemenet an action plan whenever I have these thoughts of her as fleeting as they may be.

so when I am alone tonight watching a movie at my parents home…I can just say “may I love myself”…”may I respect her”…just something along the lines…I personally think I woud want to focus on the “may love myself” because that’s ultimately what this is about…it’s about generating enough thoughts about myself that I deeply love myself in order to replace the fleeting, romanticizing thoughts about her…and also whenever I do that when I feel triggered by my mom. even though when home I think there are a few other curiosity techniques of dropping into my body and truly getting out of my head that helps with the anxiety of it.

such as I started having those sexual thoughts this morning but then I can just sit with it….and I felt it was cause I was sore from going to the gym yesterday….so little things like that.

anyways this was helpful and I need to get started with my day now…

I think this is how my recovery will be for the next few months…after I’m becoming more confident with my health monitoring system and using my values for manage my life…it’s going to be more about reconnecting with this analysis of my past to help rebuild the life that I want.

it’s ironic because I feel I’ve spent too many years in therapy hashing out these conversations…and so hopefully that will come in handy now…


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PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2021 9:43 am 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK4 5/24/21 – 5/31/21

Today I'm going to look for opportunities to:

focus on spirituality (listen to audiobook from my meditation teacher, sit in on his weekly call this Sunday

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

a lot of it came from different places. I know I feel like it’s been a bit frustrating how I don’t feel like i want to be in my recovery in terms of my thoughts, yet I’ll just continue to ride the waves.

nonetheless…I truly do appreciate though how since I’ve made this shift in my recovery two months ago, I’ve incorporated a few nights a week taking a walk in the evenings.

I absolutely love it now. it’s only just for a few minutes for the day. sometimes I get stuck in my own still trying to solve a problem…but a lot of times it’s been great. I devote these moments to a lot of roleplaying in the future, yet also as well to just being mindful of being outside.

also it was great to have the family bbq yesterday. I really made sure to emphasize that I was listening to others and hearing their stories. even though if it felt a bit uncomfortable / annoying listening to these folks chat for 30 minutes about their life….but I can respect them and listen.

I also…made dinner for my parents on Saturday. it was weird because at first I was planning to just make food for myself….yet I know my mom wanted to have these chicken sausages, but since they were frozen it added about an hour extra for cooking. I felt so frustrated since I wanted to do my creative work…but at the end…it was great to see my dad reach for seconds! so I love that. because the long term consequences were rewarding to cook for others and not just for myself.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

hmmm. I mean work? it was a lot yesterday for the bbq. some of my parents’ friends were around. some who triggered me in the past. I think I should have prepared myself better for it. I didn’t feel the hit at that time…but I felt the hit after one of them left. it was subtle. I could sit with the uncomfortable hit but it was still there.

so yes…I could have prepared myself better for roleplaying how I would have been triggered by someone who I sexualized in the past.


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did okay. I think I did make progress on the love addiction…recognizing there is someone that I want to let go of.

I truly am not sure how I will let go of these sexual thoughts that have been at home. I think I would like to add this to my roleplaying. it’s become something that I’ve feared instead of an opportunity for growth, which has made it worse. I just need to chill out honestly…but at the same time recognize that these are moments for growth…yet at the same time…do it without forcing.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?
hmmm…well not extraordinary to prepare for. I think continue to roleplay before going to the gym. no major projects for work. I do need to take care of myself though for creative work. I feel quite stressed about my short now. I don’t want it to be campy and I’m concerned some of the editing that I did made it that way.

I want to follow some boundaries:
to NOT edit before I go to bed at night
to edit in the morning
to have a long wind down before bed about an hr….
and to take care of myself most importantly


I have to recognize that the way I handle myself now is how I’ll handle myself for future projects…except things will just be scaled up because the projects and stress will increase.

so I get it. I love it. absolutely love it. but I cannot love it more than taking care of myself or else I will not be able to keep this momentum long term. I need to do it with health. so if that means taking a bit more time to learn to take care of myself…then so be it.

what action steps did i complete for my values last week? what NEW action steps will i be taking for the upcoming week for my values
a lot….i went to the gym, autonomy errands…I think I’ll remove this question….these questions are related to my organization / bullet journaling

how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?
about 3x, 40-70 mins

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
yes…I’ll be removing the amount of time…since it’s about quality not quantity.

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?
I definitely was binging this past week…HOWEVER I was able to put the brakes on late on Thursday when it hit like 11pm…I think having a note on my desk “I am healthy” was a good reminder.

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

yes I did

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
yes…movies and books

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
I feel like I may have slipped to not having it as specific as I want to daily…like I don’t know if this fell back to every other day or like 5x a week? bottom line is I am getting more comfortable with role playing, but I cannot use that as an excuse for not ingraining this habit.

I think I need to know…I can role play outside of taking my nature walk. I can do it anywhere and anytime. when meditating, washing dishes, etc. so let me expand my practice of role playing to other times of the day.

i know I like doing it on my nature walks since I reserved this space for that, yet I know I don’t walk outside every night. so important to expand the practice :)

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think going to the gym. I think also being at home.
I think I would like to practice the roleplaying at home…like the visualization in terms of myself…and seeing myself “may I love myself”

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
yes let me do this for being at home. I know it’s helped outside of home, so it only works when you work it.

am i eating normally?
yes. I did eat A LOT yesterday on memorial day. I think when I picked up ice cream with my brother I did eat chicken wings on like automatic response when I know I was full. but that’s okay. I can recognize it now…and what did I get out of it? nothing! just numbing.
however…I was happy that at the end of the night I just didn’t do compulsive eating before bed.

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.
see answer above…so not just late at night….but during holidays…

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?

i believe so?

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?

no

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)

a bit with investing…

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?

yes

difficulty sleeping?
yes

am I obsessing about putting more money into the stock market? am I treating it like gambling instead of long term investments?

I was a few days ago. I don’t think I’ll be adding more money though now that I bought the shares that I wanted to for this company.

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK4 5/24/21 – 5/31/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?

yes

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?

there was someone at the gym but I wasn’t attempting to impress her but that was the day my mind was not as prepared as I hoped


waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

yes unfortunately I did last night. or I mean…I dreamed of me having a wet dream. but when I woke up I realized it was just a dream of feeling guilty of having a dream about having one…not that I actually did have one…

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?

no…but have been at other times the day

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past 2-3 months?

ya I guess my short

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future

yes in the past…but recognizing I need to let her go.

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?

hmmm…no

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

I had a minor urge yesterday after bbq

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

I felt a SLIGHT hit yesterday after seeing someone that I sexualized in the past. I really should have roleplayed my interaction with her…and how that would impact me after

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

yes thinking about..not seeking more info


*review number of values being balanced weekly
*review action plans from prior week
*add new action plans to upcoming week for the values

HEALTH MONITORING – MONTH1

am i meditating?
yes

am i practice daily positive affirmations?
yes
am i taking walks at night a few times a week to unwind?
yes
has my mind wandered towards nostalgia of video games?
a few moments

have I driven recklessly lately?
no


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:28 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
health check….

last night…I felt the HIT (high, adrenaline rush, heart racing). it was probably the highest since 3/25/21. on a scale of 10…10 being the most intense urge…0 being nothing….i would rate it as a…..5? so it was annoying but nothing I couldn’t deal with…

here’s the breakdown…

so I know from my health monitoring earlier there are feelings of frustration in my recovery. am I moving forward? am I moving backwards, etc?
I know I’ve mentioned a lot about feeling triggered a lot when I’m at home with my mom. it was great to go out to the movies with my parents last night! and you know what? I was hardly even triggered when I was out.
and after the movies I talked with my mom…I told her sometimes I feel nervous about being home…even though I’m home. she understands, and just wants me to take this as an experience since I’m an adult who moved back home during covid and will eventually move on from being at home during this time.
it was helpful. like there was an unwinding of anxiety. I also then…in my mind started to acknowledge “I am nervous” and then the following moment think “may I be kind”.
and I felt like it was helpful! like it was really helpful. like hopefully this technique i can use to build the capacity to love myself while slowly releasing from the trigger / compulsions that happen when i'm at home.
and then I went on my night walk.
and then I was preparing for bed. I was thinking about contacting that woman who is an editor, yet who I felt very triggered the week of 3/25/21 when I last texted with her. I may need her to get a colorist for my short. I started roleplaying how I would talk to her. and how I can use the strategy “may I respect her” / some other positive affirmations.
unfortunately, this roleplaying that was supposed to be helpful turned into this trigger. and it was very annoying.
and that’s when the hit happened, which lasted about five minutes.
I did my usual thinking of positive thoughts. since that didn’t work…I jumped into curiosity…and trying to explore the sensations in my body…to unwind it. this has helped in the past, and worked, but after I find myself going back earth again…immediately the sexual thoughts came up again. and it started to distort my perception of reality for a moment.

and that’s when I did it. I PUT MY SWEATPANTS ON AND WENT ON A WALK OUTSIDE.

as soon I did this --- made THIS break --- it all went away. I felt empowered. I felt not just relieved…but I felt so in touch in my surroundings. the stars above. the trees. it felt so surreal…so much quiet…so much stillness in the air just quieted the storm in my mind.

and then I went inside…read a few pages of this novella that’s getting a little slow….and went to bed.

so what did I learn?
I feel that creating the break of the nature walk was much much more effective than dropping into my body / using mindfulness…at least at this moment.

and I think that’s the point. I think I can use the different tools that I have to create breaks. because maybe taking a walk outside if there’s a snowstorm is not the best idea. and maybe dropping into my body.

but I felt empowered by using this nature walk. since this tool work…the next time I feel anything like this…it needs to be immediate. there cannot be a shuffle of different tools to try…because I need one to immediately stop the compulsive ritual.

and it makes sense it happened because it was a few days after memorial weekend after I saw someone who was triggering to me in the past.

so important to keep an eye open the next few days / weeks as I navigate this time…


I do plan on going to the gym tonight. I’ll bring my little notebook and write down any thoughts to create a break.

I do feel though that this urge happened honestly as a resistance for me feeling like I was moving forward in my love addiction / triggered by my mom compulsion.

there’s this balance that I need to find now where I cannot force things, yet neither can I ignore things. it needs to be done with a sense of wonder and curiosity --- all for the aim of rebuilding this capacity to love myself. or as I say it “may I be kind”…


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2021 6:15 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
lesson 68

anger rituals

1)
Boss
elements of ritual:
sensory of sight (email, instant message):
he sends a passive aggressive email to me
he gives me all of this unexpected work to do when didn’t have any work before for me…


so I think if I was to map out a recent ritual it would be last month when our main boss decided to have these quarterly check ins and write out goals to hit by the next quarter. I think he felt very motivated after it and then the next day after the meeting he inundated my inbox with all of these to do things. now nothing is wrong with that, yet except he didn’t send these type of emails at all…like all at once…ever…and now all of a sudden he wants to push things to get done.
it gets annoying and I find myself resisting to do it even more. I think I added fuel to the fire to the resentment by roleplaying how I would respond to some of his passive aggressive emails to me.
and I think I realized it then at that time. that I would have an increase heart rate, just by thinking of something to respond back to him. and as you can tell this is not the healthiest work environment.
so I think the area where I did actively intensify is in the fantasy. instead of creating a ‘pleasantville’ happy place to escape to…I created this monster / horror / awful place that is associated with my boss and my job.

in terms of this exercise, would creating a break help? absolutely. I think the next time where I feel the increase heart rate, I can just step away from my desk and get some fresh air outside. I think that would be good for me.

I also think before that happens…it can helpful to roleplay situations when in the future when I get a nasty / passive aggressive email…where I read it…I get a knee jerk uncomfortable reaction. and I step away from my computer, go outside, take a breath of fresh air…and then continue on with my work.


2)
colleagues
there’s this one department that I work with that is…not great to work with. basically I need them to do something for me, yet they never do it. in fact, they painstakingly take months to do it. and calling them…I only get sharp, rude responses.
so in terms of this exercise…
trigger…I get an email / or several emails from vendors following up on payments.
I immediately get angry. resentful…that I need to contact the treasury department where pushing them at my job title is like throwing a needle in a haystack. and of course my passive aggressive boss doesn’t want to deal with them. so it all falls onto me and I literally cannot do anything.

so I think going forward I can….recognize that there are some things in my control and other things out of my control. so before I reach out to treasury department…whether by phone or email…I can just collect my thoughts…roleplay having a pleasant and professional conversation…and that even though I may not get the answers that I want…that it can at the very least be a positive one.

where have I actively intensified it? I think in my mind as well. imagining the email I would send to treasury. something mean? something written in a way that would miraculously push her to somehow execute those wires when she reads the words on my email. of course it’s not like that! but I intensify it by adding these fantasies in my head.

so if I can…take a break. and roleplay…healthy fantasies in my head. having a professional and positive conversation with her. I cannot change her, but I can change how I handle the situation.

so yes…creating a break would help very much so in this situation.



3)
family

trigger:
my schizophrenic uncle who is hard of hearing --- couldn’t hear something I was telling him…
and so I then lost my temper and started yelling at him for him to hear me. it was very sad.
it was challenging living with him at home and I just didn’t see how him moving back to his home living alone wasn’t helpful. anyways that’s not the problem it’s how I handled it.

I was a bully and I hated how I did that. I could feel my dopamine level rising as my voice got louder and it was very sad. note this was a few weeks after my slip in late March.

anyways I actively intensified it by increasing the adrenaline in my body by yelling. just by raising my voice…it’s amazing how I could manipulate my body just by yelling.


so I think it was in the element of…sound…and me controlling the sound of my voice…and the energy with that.

I would love to going forward just to be mindful of how raising my voice is a manipulation technique to just increase my adrenaline level / get a kick from it. it’s not necessarily a good thing to do.

and I think going forward…when as soon as I feel / hear my voice raise…I just stop talking…maybe I just excuse myself wherever it is. because the embarrassment from raising my voice is not how I would like to handle myself. EVEN if I feel it’s justified / I was wronged. it’s not how I want to live my life.


4)
friend
trigger…I was moving out of my apartment…and my friend stood me up by not showing up…even though he said he would.
in a way I caused this to happen by not communicating clearly…though at the same time it came across he just wasn’t interested in helping since he didn’t reach out that day…even though weeks before he said he would…it’s very annoying…
anyways I intensified the situation because I called him about it at the worse possible time:
I was driving…and not only was I driving…I was driving AFTER I just finished moving…the day after he was supposed to show up…and I didn’t give any time to think about it.
I intensified it by raising my voice and again yelling at him. losing my cool and sounding like my father.

the thing is…I didn’t really roleplay before yelling at him. I don’t think I had enough time to really process it since I was so busy…though it was happening all subconsciously.

but what I know I did do to intensify the stimulation is by raising my voice. and that was not cool. coincidentally both of these yelling times (family & friend) occurred weeks after my slip on 3/25/21…


so yes I think creating a break would have helped. if I was to roleplay the situation. a….i would just not have called him until a few days later…and frankly until I had a chance to talk to someone about it and get an objective point of view. yes he wasn’t there when I needed him to, but it’s not worth yelling at him and potentially ending a friendship like that…which didn’t happen thankfully…

but if I am in a situation where I am driving, or I don’t get perspective from someone else…I can just talk to that person later as soon as I hear my voice raising.

but again…that almost feels like a point of no return…so I think the best way is to connect with someone that I trust to share these feelings with….that would be the best way. yes I can take a walk outside into nature to unwind a bit…but ultimately I would need some perspective on the situation…so ya either like my therapist who I trust or another family or friend.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2021 11:57 am 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK5 5/30/21 - 6/6/21

I'm going to look for opportunities to:
focus on my action plans throughout the week (physical health, autonomy, family, creative, etc.)

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

i think it came from a bunch of different places. yesterday was a really good day. i think things started to shift in the past week because of my conversation with Coach Cheryl on Thursday...and just recognizing that things have been frustrating for me because i don't think i've forgiven myself since my last slip on 3/25/21...and i feel like i didn't even start my recovery journey until afterwards, and that's just not giving myself enough credit. and ya...the habit loop of trying to change my thoughts was actually in it of itself an unhealthy and draining habit loop....

so that was fulfilling. i was also feeling better at work...after just accepting my job as a job...and not trying to resist it by drowning it out with music or whatever. just do my work and that's that. and obviously with working on my short, and going to the gym. and cooking for my parents was good.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?
work was still draining. also my short is starting to become stressful. i need to mindful going forward about the energy i put in.


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
well

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?
yes i know a part of me wants to work late on my short to get the sound done late at night. so i have to prepare myself if i do this the consequences of waking up late and then not feeling like i have time...because the consequences of waking up late is that then i won't have time to complete RN lessons if i wake up late. so unfortunately...i need to wake up early.

also i'll be helping my brother move on Friday. so that will be stressful for him but i'm happy to help.

so i think for preparing and doing work this week...i need to plan to do RN work in the AM....or i'm just wondering...if i can do RN work in the evening? if that's when i'll work on my short? i can....
but either way...i need to plan on doing this work, even though doing something creative and important for me. i need to do that though. and to continue to work out and make sure i'm balancing with 6-8 values this week, even though focusing on something dear to me. so this will be a good opportunity to explore this.

how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?
i would say about....tue...thursday...saturday

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
yes

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?
committed because of acceptance

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

yes...and yes i did replace some other values because i was working on it 8 hrs on saturday. but i need to get it done!

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?

still reading this novella. i want to buy some comic books to read this week!

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
yes and no. i am practicing but i want to practice more

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
ooo yes. so i know i'll be helping my brother move this upcoming week.
i think for the L&SA thoughts i can roleplay just when those thoughts come up....to just gently remind myself "may i be well / kind"

but also to just sit with them and explore them with curiosity...like what do i get from them?

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
same ones as before but i feel like they're diminishing now as i'm starting to forgive myself

am i eating normally?
ya

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.
no

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
hmmm i'll do some errands today before i get started with work

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
yes

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)
no...i actually was on the news briefly the other day and i just don't like it....so ya

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
well yes...

difficulty sleeping?
yes

am I obsessing about putting more money into the stock market? am I treating it like gambling instead of long term investments?
no...done with putting money in now since i'm saving money for the post production for my short...

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK5 5/30/21 - 6/6/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?
well yes but i'm wanting to explore it with curiosity the thoughts instead of judgment

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
no....but in my mind i wish that person would give me attention at the gym. that's why i don't like the gym it's quite triggering...

waking up in the night with or without an erection?
actually yes i think i woke up with one yesterday...
am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?
yes my short

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, future, or out of convenience?
yes thoughts have come up

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
not sure out of convenience

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
ummmm....ya this weekend...


have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
ya i think i felt it the other day but then it went away when i went on my walk outside

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?
oh ya. but just recognizing "what do i get out of this?" helps to break the habit loop


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2021 10:46 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
lesson 69

list of people that I’ve hurt:

cousin: I was 12 / 13 and I touched her inappropriately. I was exceptionally close and it was just inappropriate, even if we were kids.

parents
siblings
friends
ex gf
random girls I met up with after my ex


Dear cousin,

I’m sorry for how I treated you when we were both young. I think I knew intellectually that being physically close…exceptionally close with my cousin when I was about 12 or 13…was wrong, yet I chose to do so.

I’ve always wanted to apologize to you in person, yet I’ve never done so.

I feel guilt. And shame.. I was wrong to do that.

I do not know how my actions impacted you.

But I feel bad…for groping you and touching you like we were more than just cousins.

It was wrong. I’m sorry for doing that.

I always wondered if that’s why you’re a psychiatrist now.

I do not know if I will ever tell you…or if it’s appropriate to…but I just want you to know I did not mean harm.

I need to forgive myself for my actions. They were wrong. I was hurt. A lost soul who needed to be found.

I did not need to do that to you.

Be well, dear cousin. May you continue to grow into the beautiful person that you are.




physically…
Others that I feel I’ve hurt…acted inappropriately:

classmate:
Kissing my classmate when we were both five in my bed when we were having a playdate.
consequence: we were five…yet I don’t know if she became skeptical of guys / dating because of this experience…

cousin:
possibly hurting her long term self esteem, perspective of herself, of her view of the world, her own boundaries, etc. I do not know since I have never mentioned it nor I am sure if it’s appropriate considering we aren’t really that close / hardly see each other.

classmate:
Being too aggressive on the dance floor with someone when I was drunk in college
consequence:
I’ll never forget her voice telling me that she just felt uncomfortable with what I did. I’m sure that she did not approach the dance floor the same way again. or maybe she forgot because she was drunk I don’t know…but I won’t be surprised my drunkenness impacted her.

ex:
After breaking up with my ex, contacting her twice to hook up with her in a span of seven months…as my way to finally “move on”.
consequence: I think it hurt her even more so by contacting her and hooking up. it definitely made the process for her more painful for me playing her like a violin to just get what I want without strings attached.

colleague:
Asking a co-worker out on a date…
consequence: I don’t think there were any long term consequences other than she may have felt uncomfortable by me

dates:
seeking random hook ups with people after I ended things with my ex. I think I realized I could get the physical hit without being in a relationship, yet none of it compared like being with my ex…just physically and emotionally…
consequence: I think I may have just played them like a violin too? even though they knew it was a hook up…either ways…I don’t think I left a great impression by just meeting someone to fool around and then leave.

online dating sites
consequences: sending random messages to those for either sexual / romantic stimulation, yet not as a real genuine connection.

for example…I remember I was on this one philiphino ts dating website. I sent a message to this lovely person, and she was quite pretty. we video chatted, and she was in the Philippines, but she was looking for something genuine. I’m not sure if I was looking just for video sex…since I did do that with someone else before…but I knew as soon as I was on it…it just wasn’t worth it. and she seemed hurt.
consequences: creating distrust to others by not appearing truthful. not appearing honest. having alternative motives from the one that she wanted.

this also happened when I was on the online dating site recently. I was video chatting with someone. I could tell it was just a conversation and nothing would happen but even still…she sent me a message the following day. I had to politely tell her I wasn’t interested.
again maybe this is fine. it was the internet. but I don’t want to justify.
it’s hurtful. she obviously thought of me enough to contact me and I had no interest in getting to know her because I was just using her for my own romantic stimulation ie. wanting to date someone thousands of miles away…but not actually doing so…

relationships
lying to my parents about how I spent their money on a family trip
lying to my parents on the random credit card bill they received from an online adult website
lying to my parents where I was going for my spring break
lying to my brother where I was for my spring break
using my friends’ laptops for masturbation to porn
using my friends to drive me to the airport to meet someone thousands of miles away

lying to my friends and saying I was hurt when I wasn’t --- pretending it was a joke, yet deep down inside hoping to get some sort of validation that they care for me

sending a random instant message to a girl late at night because I thought she liked me and hoped she would want to hook up with me

not getting to know girls who seemed genuine in getting to know me

consequence of actions with parents:
I built up my reputation on a lie. I wanted them to perceive me a certain way, and when I couldn’t meet up to those expectations, that was just too painful to bear. I created a character (me) that wasn’t real. I wasn’t honest with my parents. they didn’t really know who I was…until recently frankly….

consequence of actions with siblings:
my siblings….do know who I am. I didn’t have the pressure to create an image for them…but I needed to create an image to still fit in the family somehow. by not being truthful and honest with who I was…I again was creating an image based on a lie. the very most important relationships in my life were not built on truth but again something of just a fantasy. of course it wouldn’t last forever.

consequence of actions with friends:
using them for my own personal gain. flaking on them when it wouldn’t serve my schedule. not being committed to them because I wasn’t committed to my own self.

consequence of potential romantic interests:
being seen as flaky, hurtful if I hooked up and didn’t pursue them, or just mean for contacting them only after I needed them (wanting to get the contact info of one when I was drunk to hook up but didn’t want to get to know them).


this is interesting for me to do this one. I think…as someone who hasn’t had much of romantic relationships or whose addiction has been isolated to solely just the internet and a little bit of prostitution…I felt like it has been easy to justify my actions.

who am I hurting? I’m not in a relationship with someone. I’m not cheating on someone. I’m just single…alone…watch porn on the internet….pursuing people on online dating.

but the thing is. I AM part of this world. whether I want to or not. and my actions do have consequences on those around me…whether it’s an indirect consequence or a direct one.

it has molded my relationship with my parents..how I’ve pursued people online….how I want to pursue people in the future. it makes me sad because I still feel like the desire to meet people in the future comes from a selfish need instead of a want to get to know someone. I’ll have to review that further….

this was a helpful exercise that I wanted to resist and push off. but it’s important for me to accept the consequences that my choices over the years have not just hurt my own life…but those around me. whether it’s someone that I met for only 30 seconds at a dance floor…to someone like my mom. my actions…my choices…whether I like it or not…do have an impact on others. on the decisions that I make.

I get to choose how I want to be in this world. am I using others for my own benefits or choosing to act like the person that I want to be. that I envision myself to be.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2021 4:56 pm 
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quick health update....

past few days sleeping less than 5hrs due to working on short film. tonight i'll be leaving to help my brother move out of his apartment. i'll be back in a few days. will be going on a train tonight.

i think i want to try to make my roleplaying more visceral than intellectual. i find myself talking out loud about situations...but it can be helpful to drop into my body to roleplay future situations...such as when meditating. also was reading a post now from Coach Jon on OCD being something i'll continue to struggle for rest of my life. will need to prepare myself for this and to find action plans to ask myself what do i get from this when i am obsessing about something that can borderline as not healthy...

also wondering about my next step after i finish these lessons at the end of the month. i was thinking about focusing on a few lessons that i know that i want to review, yet do i instead do all of the lessons again? i'll see. i know it took me almost 1.5 years to get through these lessons...but that's okay too...which makes sense since i did about a lesson a week and not the 2-3 lessons like recommended. hmph. that's okay though the most important thing is how it's helped me in my life.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2021 11:42 am 
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Posts: 111
HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK6 6/6/21 – 6/13/21

Today I'm going to look for opportunities to:
continue focus on my neck & back posture!

I wonder if this activity goes under physical health…or more so under appearance value that is underdeveloped? I’ll see…

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

most of my meaning…it came from three different places…

earlier in the week I made a lot of progress on my short film, thus most of my energy and fulfillment went there.

over the past four days…most of my energy went towards family time.

NOTE: I did find my mind since Friday getting stuck on nostalgic thoughts (where I went to college with friends, texting with some friends about it, watching my kpop drama last night)

I just have a difficult time separating between unhealthy fantasies and “healthy” ones.

NOTE NOTE: romanticizing fantasy --- not healthy --- over someone who will be attending my bro’s upcoming bday bbq this Saturday…since I found out she’ll be going. it should have been anticipated but it’s ok.


Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes…
spending time with family. and not just spending time…feeling like I’m doing all of this work by living with my parents now is just taking a toll on me. I am very excited to wrap up my short…sooner rather than later…so I can determine my next living steps after this….

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?
I think I did well. only thing was on Saturday I found myself on my phone texting friends because I was bored. I guess I can say I didn’t have a lot to do after finished helping my bro move in and I didn’t bring my belongings with me other than my bullet journal.

I think I did okay but it could be helpful to have more planned activities like maybe bringing a second book to read….since I finished the one I was reading…

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

YES…I must be vigilant for this upcoming bbq.

action plans…I think during the BBQ I’ll be focusing on getting as much stimulation from cleaning…ie. helping my mom so she doesn’t have to be working too hard on it.

I think it would be great for me to get a camera if I want to take photos too perhaps? I think that’s a no brainer though with my nephew though…so of course getting photos with him will be easy….

also just being able to talk to people there. yes I can be cordial to the person who my bro is inviting…and also just be realistic with my expectations…

the reality is that I am most likely moving by the end of the summer. and you know she’s not a match for you….based on the past convos you guys had. and also she doesn’t think you’re interested in her since you rejected her before lol fooool.

so just be nice and that’s all you can really do though. and I can do some roleplaying about having polite conversations with her and also others.

I think most importantly is AFTER the bbq. how am I going to reward myself? ice cream? the internet? staying up late?

I think it’s important that hopefully the bbq won’t be too late and so I’ll be able to wrap up the cleaning by 8pm. and I can perhaps take a nice summer walk outside afterwards…as part of checking in with myself.


how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?
I think about 3x including today

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?
yes probably too much

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?
yes feel better the past week

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?

yes

If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
yes I finished reading a novella

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?
yes…even if it’s just for a few moments

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
well for the bbq…I think also the day before and the day after / the night of as well

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
I think it was annoying…staying at my bro’s I started having these random sexualizing images of my sister in law mom who was at my bro’s place as well. it was quite annoying but I think it’s to be expected now that they’ll come up from time to time…and that I can just approach it with just a gentle sense of curiosity.

am i eating normally?
yes

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.
I did have ice cream sandwich last night. I do have a habit of having treats on the weekend evening, yet I dn…I think the reward is ok

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
no I did not….um….gosh probably until I go on vacation the following week…like on the plane or something

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
yes

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)
I did find myself on google more than I want…but my overall screentime is still at a healthy level

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
ya

difficulty sleeping?
yes it was difficult last night. stress with the upcoming bbq b/c my mom is stressed for it…and her anxiety that seems to be getting stronger over the years

am I obsessing about putting more money into the stock market? am I treating it like gambling instead of long term investments?
no since I don’t have any money I would want to invest I don’t want to dip into my savings for investings…


SEXUAL MONITORING – WEEK6 6/6/21-6/13/21
am i thinking of someone from the past?
yes the one who is coming to my bro’s bbq

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?
not at the moment, yet I’ve find myself wanting to impress this person by doing certain things to impress this person who isn’t a match for me long term.

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
yes woke up last night but not with an erection

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?
yes I did two nights ago…but I did not last night since I was anxious about my mom.

interesting how my anxiety takes different forms…


am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?
not 1 thing. just my short really

am i fantasizing about a girl? past, present, or future
yes… this is the same question from above…

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?
yes

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
no…but I think it’s important to anticipate an urge after the bbq….and to expect to utilize my action plan of taking a walk

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no, but healthy to anticipate one for this bbq

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?
ya fantasizing


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2021 9:14 am 
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Posts: 111
lesson 70

WARNING SYSTEM - ACTION PLAN

I beat myself up for not being where I want to be as a person (professionally, personally, etc.)

1) REMOVE MYSELF FROM SITUATION
a. Regain stability from other values (nature, creativity, physical health, meditation, family, friends, etc.)
b. If unable to remove myself from situation, jump to step 2

2) CURIOSITY
a. Ask myself…what do I get from this?
b. Drop into my body and investigate the physical sensations that come up. Note them.

3) ACCEPTANCE
a. I am exactly where I am supposed to be

4) VISION / ACTION
a. Visualize what I CAN do right now --- aligned with values
b. Take action on what I can do right now

5) LOVE & KINDNESS
a. Strengthen capacity of loving myself through feeling it when I say these words, write them down, etc.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2021 10:09 pm 
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Posts: 111
a quick health update...
i went to the gym tonight, and unfortunately i could just feel the whole romanticizing pull....
wondering if this person is a match for me, even though i know i'm leaving this town in a few months. and that made me sad. that all of these thoughts are really for nothing b/c i'll be gone anyways so there's no point to fantasize about someone if i'm just going to be gone anyways.

i want to incorporate writing things down in my notebook as part of a break...at the same time...i don't want it to get too obsessive and forcing it and then making it worse...

i need to approach it with a kind and gentle curiosity of the thoughts that may arise.

i also need to recognize that...that...whenever i have thoughts about someone from the past to reach out to in the future it's not aligned with my vision. why not? because i know it's not based on health...then what is it based out of? just seeking stimulation to create a vision....

i keep on thinking 'oh i can reach out to her when i go back into dating'....however the ironic thing is that...to truly allow myself to meet other people again...and in a healthy way...i need to truly let go of all of the hopes and dreams associated with my love addiction.

i know it's based out of a belief that i'll be alone forever. but how can that be true if i don't know where i'll be in ten years?

i know i've created this lie and i've believed it. i think i want to dive into it now...yet there's no point to dive into those emotions. i know how dark they go into the shadows....and there's safety in it. and it became a truth because i built off experience from it...

but what if those perceptions were just formed from one point of view? what if those perceptions about being alone forever were formed in connection with the sexual perception?
the perception of...perfection?

the perception of...she's the one?
isn't that just a mask for the belief...i will be alone forever?

if i am truly to be alone forever...then what happened to this perfect person that i was supposed to meet by now? who was supposed to take that away?

it's like this tug and pull game that doesn't make any sense that i created....it's like....how i can be alone forever...but then how am i supposed to meet a perfect match? and why does this perfect match keep on taking different shapes? different moments? even in the same location?

how can i see someone hoping for a romantic moment to then just switch that energy off to the next person?

if that energy...that energy that switches from one person to the next....if that's supposed to be a cover up for that deep seeded belief...then....

that makes sense...that makes sense for that to happen...for it to just to be a mask.

but is the mask true?
how can it be truth when it's a mask for the real truth?

how can i be worthy of love and relationships and at the same time be alone forever?

i don't think they can coexist.


and the latter took over. maybe because i was hurt. because it was an excuse to even try.....


that's it....
it was an excuse to not even try.

just like with filmmaking....it was easier to not even try to make a film and to make excuses to not make a film than to actually give it my 1000% and fail. because there was no room for growth. it was either i'm done.

it's easier to dream. it's easier to dream than to fail.

it's not about being alone forever. it's simply a victim card. it's simply easier to just shrug my shoulders and walk home without swinging the bat in front of everyone.

i don't understand. i've written and approached this belief so many times. therapy. journal entries.

i would get consumed by it but i couldn't actually observe it....observe it for what it is. just an excuse to not even try.

and by not trying...the consequences were so much more severe.

i fed my addiction further and lied to myself that because i wasn't acting out with others (not true) that i was ok. it's just spending hours on online dating websites. it's just talking to some girl i met on the internet, etc.

and i think i catch myself in this lie. every time i look at a girl if she's a potential partner for me. maybe i'll get disappointed that i can't use her as some fantasy person in my head if she's not attractive. or i get happy that i can use her as some fantasy person if she is.

it's all based on a cover up. and that's how i thought i would need to approach life....i think that's how i thought i would need to approach dating....

that since i couldn't date i could just simply do it in my head. i can choose and select people from around me without even them noticing me. and i've gotten so good at it that i can just see them for three seconds. if we made eye contact it was enough to create conversations in my brain.

and i know in middle school and high school i would masturbate to them. i know now they're more just fleeting thoughts....or thoughts that i look forward to if going to same location like a restaurant or a gym.

because that's what i thought i was worth. i only deserved that much in a relationship. nothing more...for i was supposed to be alone forever?

but if that's just an excuse...from even trying...what happens when i remove that mask?

if i can...talk to people....if i can allow the thoughts to go into fantasy but just recognize they're just thoughts...and what's real...is the interaction. not the future nor the past. the present.

i've spent so much of my life avoiding the reality. the here. the now. this moment.

a relationship won't ever be found in the future. with someone who doesn't even know i want to reach out to her.

it can only be found in the moment. no matter how scary it may seem to take off that mask. and breath in the fresh air.

because i would like to integrate curiosity into these moments. how do i feel right now? what do my toes feel like? what do my hands feel like?

and i can use those sensations as a way to navigate the anxiety that i've built in from simply talking to someone.

i honestly think it would be great for me to...to try to meet people in person.

i think....i've thought about using a matchmaker in the future because....because i don't take responsibility. i know i used the excuse of "well i won't be surfing on the internet if i use it" but the truth is...it's just easier to pay someone.

and i think these are skills that are worthy developing...no matter if they're not easy to develop...


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 16, 2021 7:45 am 
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i feel that after my recent wet dream, when i've had two in the past 2-3 months, i needed to reflect on my weaknesses.

i know that it lies in my boundaries. in short, i feel that even though it's great that i'm working on my film project...i was working on it very late at night recently. like from 11pm to 3am. sounds almost like acting out time, right? granted i had my reasons...working with sound, needing to work when it's quiet, pushing to get it done, etc. yet i'm going to switch it around and give it a shot for working in the morning...like i used to before with writing.

granted...i am hoping that working in the morning will be a more sustainable solution, however, this is a work in progress so i will see.

so i decided to review lesson 37 on boundaries.

lesson 37 review

ABSOLUTE BOUNDARIES
I will be completely honest with myself.

I must say “no”, to others and to myself, if I feel the action will jeopardize my health.

I will meditate at least once a day, unless physically ill, as long as I deem meditation serves my health.


FILMMAKING
To work in the morning, instead of late at night

To not create characters that are rooted in my addiction (acting out partners, perfect partner, etc.)

To not sacrifice other values in lieu of filmmaking --- if I choose to --- accept the consequences

In future projects, to not hire crew members based on physical attraction but instead on merit

In future projects, to not hire female lead on a romantic delusion that she’s my future partner. If I do: accept the consequences of sacrificing my film career for a girl I do not know.

To use filmmaking for fulfillment and not as an unhealthy compulsion.

To not use filmmaking for creating acting out fantasies

To not use filmmaking in lieu of pornography.

To be completely honest with myself in filmmaking process.


MEDITATION
I will meditation at least once a day, except when physically ill.

I will use meditation for spiritual growth, and not for acting out.

I will be completely honest with myself on how meditation serves my health.

note: i only have 3 since these are the most i could think of that i could sincerely follow

FAMILY
I am allowed to say “no” to family if, not doing so, is a risk to my health.

I will respect my immediate and extended family (thoughts, physically, tone, actions)

I will be there for family, as they have been there for me…as long as it does not jeopardize my health.

I will be completely honest with my family --- as socially appropriate honest.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 19, 2021 1:12 pm 
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big family bbq today. will use my tools such as writing thoughts down in my notebook if need to.

i also plan to go on a night nature walk after in the evening when everyone is gone....


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 21, 2021 2:10 pm 
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Posts: 111
HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK7 6/14/21 – 6/21/21
Today I'm going to look for opportunities to:
focus on my job
this week will focus on --- managing my health specifically since this will be probably the most stressful weeks since my last slip...family time...

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

Family. I spent a lot of time with family. and taking pictures at the bbq. that was a lot of fun to do that. however, it’s exhausting. I also enjoyed running last night.

but that was about it though….i did some work on my short, yet nothing too crazy…so it was mainly just energy spent on family.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

oh yes…this BBQ was absolutely draining.

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I think I did OK. no…I did very well. I think one thing that I am proud of is that I followed through on my action plan of going for a walk outside….the evening my BBQ ended….that was important for me to do that….

I think the one thing that I am upset about, yet it is okay….is just being able to refine my boundaries. specifically around alcohol. in short, I took a sip of alcohol after I told my brother no, yet he wanted me to take it to have a foolish toast.

the last time I tasted alcohol was a sip about 1.5 years ago. the last time I was drunk was about 2 years ago.

there are some extremely painful memories that I associate with the taste of liquor. how many times have I irrationalized doing something I would regret (pornography, on the internet for hours, paying for prostitution, etc)…how many times i have associated the feeling and the taste from alcohol to make me not live a life aligned with who I am.

I will need to role play….that when my brother asks me for a drink…or frankly anyone…the answer is no. the line is drawn in the sand and it is not one to cross.

I don’t care if it’s a sip or a shot. a lite beer or a heavy drink. it’s like someone sticking a needle in my vein and reminding me who I was.


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?


absolutely. I need to continue to roleplay preparing for this long week family vacation. I truly wish my brother didn’t have a bbq and now this. I absolutely hate spending this much face to face time with family. I cannot wait to go back to LA and get out of here. there’s way too much family time as of late and it’s absolutely exhausting.

so what are the things that I need to roleplay?
I think…anticipating that my brother and sister may have an argument….

and recognizing how little control I have over it….


also I do know…last time I went to this family resort I did masturbate at the end of this family vacation the day before I went back to work. so I need to anticipate different points where I may be prone to act out…

possible points of acting out (romanticizing, sexualizing, and yes…going on computer for hours (dating websites, pornography, etc.)

*when fly on Wednesday
*when arrive at resort on Thursday
*when leave resort on Monday
*when fly back home on Tuesday
*when back home from Wednesday – Sunday


I think it’s safe to say in the past there’s about a week before and or after of period that I have acted out. it can be really small or it can be really devastating…however with any event I need to have a 1-2 week alert system monitoring for any excessive sexualizing romanticizing / and / or acting out.


I think during this time period…some action steps to take will be great to:

go on a nature walk at the end of the evening*
make sure to work out when at this resort* great place to get a lot of energy out
spend some time alone working on my short* I NEED alone time to just not feel so exhausted with family

spend time taking photography when with family*


I think taking pictures in a big social event feels really grounding for me. it allows me to still observe my surroundings from a lens of safety. it allows me to feel comfortable when I am out and about still. I truly really enjoy that a lot. it makes me feel safe.

how many times a week did I work out last week? approximately how long each time?

not enough honestly. about 2-3 times.

did I spend quality time with friends and family? if so, when? what did we do and for how long?

too much

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?

most definitely

did i spend quality time working on a film project? if i did...did i IGNORE / REPLACE other values (working out, nutrition, etc.)?
If i did not, how did i spend my free time or how do i anticipate to use my free time?
oh yes I did

did i connect with other forms of creativity -> either reading books, watching movies i've always wanted to see? was i binging TV on something to just pass the time --- instead of connect with something impactful?
yes taking photos at the bbq

am i practicing daily, healthy role playing?

shoot. I need to do it more often…so not as often as I want to. however, I will for this upcoming event.


what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

action steps for the family vacation:
nature
photography
short – editing on
time with family

what annoying L&SA thoughts are in my life? how can role playing help to remove them from my life?
I was with my cousin at the bbq who is very pretty and I felt very nervous around her. I had to remind myself “may I respect her” b/c I almost felt like my mind was attempting to sexualize her when she’s my cousin. so quite annoying.

am i eating normally?
yes

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.
yes I had some…cheerios last night and tostitos because I was up and couldn’t fall asleep…

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
no I didn’t…I would like to do some…maybe at the resort? or when I come back not sure..

am i struggling to wake up when alarm goes off?
yes I need to also get a new phone…

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)
no binging of electronics. I think maybe some time on viewing stocks yet nothing unusual.

stuck in my head instead of in the moment?
yes. stuck with trying to help my mom. how do I help my mom with her anxiety? why can’t she just commit to changing her life?

difficulty sleeping?
oh yes…I think definitely with working late in evening on my short. I know it will get better eventually…

am I obsessing about putting more money into the stock market? am I treating it like gambling instead of long term investments?
no

SEXUAL MONITORING – WEEK7 6/14/21 – 6/21/21
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes thoughts still of girl in LA. I recognize that she most likely…is not a fit for me. I truly do wonder though how I will enter the world of dating as a healthy person. it will be a trial and error, yet I’m excited to do so.

oh yes and I was looking forward to / fantasizing about a girl who I thought would show up at the bbq. thankfully she did not show up haha. interesting how much time and energy I spent on imagining a conversation with someone who wasn’t even there.

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to?

I was fantasizing about impressing someone who wasn’t there.
I think I also need to recognize that….these are just moments of my love addiction…and to truly….not be like my father who is 1000% co-dependent on my mom….or you know manage his life that way….i need to recognize that….in order to completely eliminate this I need to eliminate the thoughts. and to simply just recognize whenever the thoughts come up…hmmm…what do I get from it?


waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

YES I unfortunately had a wet dream the other night this past week. that was….concerning for me.
I think I had it the day after I was working late on my short film. and feeling like I need stronger boundaries with not working late at night, yet instead to work in the morning.

unfortunately I’ve found myself working in the evening again instead of late at night. let’s see if I can work in the am tomorrow though.

and to stop when it gets to a certain point tonight such as…11pm…

am i fantasizing about someone when falling asleep?

no

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

not just one thing

am i fantasizing a girl out of convenience?

yes…that girl who I thought would show up to bbq. interesting how I am not fantasizing about her anymore b/c I do not expect to see her anymore.

that’s interesting…my fantasies are based on expectations. like if I anticipate to see someone in the future…the best way that I have control over that future is to….create a fantasy over it…

it’s a safety net like with pornography. I do not know how the future will unravel, and creating these fantasies about someone that I anticipate to see allows me to live a life that may or may not come to pass. and I think these fantasies have grown stronger over the years because I’ve felt so disappointed by reality.

I think the best way is to look at the unknown with a sense of curiosity. with a sense of discovery. with a sense of…looking towards the unknown and this is the sense of adventure.

great things weren’t made in the world by “trying to force” / create a fantasy in someone’s mind. it’s about accepting and embracing the unknown and looking at it with a sense of curiosity…hmm…how will this be if I look at the world this way?

maybe I can try that going forward whenever I think of that girl that I want to reach out to when back in LA….
hmmm…am I just trying to create a fantasy of being with someone because I don’t know what my future re: romantic relationships will be like? and how has this worked in the past?
hmmm…

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

yes I had a wet dream.

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

I think a tingle of it…I think I was meditating about it today and it came up. I don’t know if it was because of a thought of my cousin. but easy to dismiss.

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

oh yes…not sure if watching the documentary on the filmmaker who is my inspiration is the best idea for me now….need to focus on my own path forward.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2021 11:16 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
i'm almost done with the lessons...yet i am writing this to note to myself the errors that i need to review when done:
things to focus on when complete RN lessons by end of month
ingraining different roleplaying into my daily life for upcoming stressful events...
action plans for rituals
reactive action plans for rituals
developing my health monitoring system, which is mechanical now to something fluid
boundaries
core identity


i also want to acknowledge my accomplishments from using RN:

confidence with future from life management system via (health monitoring system, action plans, values)
confidence with future because of role playing expected events and unexpected ones
a slow decrease in the anxiety sexualizing / romanticizing from living at home....

confidence in returning back to dating as a healthy adult when i choose to return

most importantly...spending my time and energy on things that i truly LOVE
filmmaking, nature, cooking, meditation, etc.
shifting my perspective on relationships with family and friends...from selfish love to selfless love.


i also need to continue to focus on developing action plans for the romanticizing.

also to prevent being blindsided...
the next 3-4 months are going to be the most stressful time of this year at this point...so it's important to utilize this time period to dive into strengthening my values based in reality


also a side note in regards to fantasy...there have been different kind of fantasies recently for me like when i was in highschool and i wanted to live in asia. since my job will be having a return to office around September, and since i live out of state...there has been quite a lot of anxiety about the unknown the future. i have fantasized about teaching english abroad, volunteering abroad even...basically everything to go back to my day job and be in that chair.
it's been helpful to be mindful of the consequences and my motivations for wanting to go abroad. i most certainly do not want to teach english to children abroad...and i know that getting another job, after leaving the us for 6months - 1 yr, will be even more challenging and stressful than staying in my current job. and also...going abroad has nothing to do with becoming a filmmaker...though i bet someone can make the case that can help you 'find yourself'.

but as i've learned...no matter where you go...there you are.

i think my action plan for the abroad fantasies is just to gently ask myself...what do i get from this?


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 25, 2021 10:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 111
quick health update.

i'm on a family vacation which is turning out to unfold as a very stressful and melodramatic week.
THANKFULLY i have my own bedroom and i worked on my short. i had a very stressful day yesterday because i was beating myself up for showing a copy of my short to my sister so late instead of showing her a rough cut when i made one a month ago.

anyways....just learning that there is a thing as over-editing and just about trusting myself and showing a cut asap to those that i trust. like when it's done for a rough cut, it's done.

so how am i going to take care of myself during this week? well i'm going to...hopefully work out today....i think i'll go down for breakfast soon. and spend some time in nature.

i'm also anticipating that there's gonna be some drama between my brother and my sister. i'm anticipating there will be some yelling and a fight by tomorrow...basically my sister is paying for this vacation and my brother didn't tell her about family from his wife that is visiting today...who also may not be fully vaccinated...so it's a perfect melodrama at this lovely resort. just to observe it.

oh and to also anticipate that my dad will continue to be...dad. critical and upset and blah. i'm going to need breakfast now. will use my action plan for managing imbalance.

also...i'm going to show another rough cut to my sister most likely tonight or tomorrow.

and to anticipate that there will be stress if you choose to show it to them. and that it's not going to be perfect and you'll have more notes to make it better.


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