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PostPosted: Thu Oct 07, 2021 2:22 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 1 Exercises:
A.
  1. My past attempts at recovery failed because I did not commit to changing myself. This includes past attempts at the workshop here at Recovery Nation. However, a few days ago, I realized that I’m not participating in this workshop to simply quit porn. It’s about working to give my life depth, meaning, and direction. This gives me even more motivation to commit myself to change. So, I am feel more committed to change myself than ever before.
  2. I am confused about my feelings of guilt/shame. I remember feeling great shame and guilt about my compulsive behavior in the past. Now, these feelings are not as strong. Maybe this means I have reached a point where I think it’s a part of me? Regardless, the guilt and shame is not strong enough to convince me to give up changing myself.
  3. This isn’t going to be a problem. I’m a patient person and a perfectionist. If anything, I will have to watch myself from not moving fast enough due to laziness and wanting perfection. I have to remember progression, not perfection. Also, I have set a schedule of when my lessons are due to keep me on task.

B. My Motivation
  1. I want to achieve depth so I can have meaning in my life
  2. I want to have direction to where I want to go
  3. I want to develop a passion for living my life
  4. I want to have freedom to do what I ought to do
  5. I want to be capable of managing my emotions in a healthy way
  6. I want to be independent and create my own identity
  7. I want to live a healthy life without porn, hentai, fantasies, or masturbation
  8. I want to see all people as human beings with human characteristics like feelings, thoughts, and personalities
  9. I want to be honest to everyone about who I am
  10. I want to be proud of who I am and what I do with my life

C.
I have done this exercise. I will guide this child back to health. That’s all I want to share.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 07, 2021 4:05 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4097
Location: UK
Hello Phoenix
Recovery is not easy, but with total commitment it is not too difficult either
Recovery is a choice
just as acting out is a choice
we only think that we need to feed our urge, but we can choose not to

choose wisely and choose now
RN will support that choice but you need to be the engine

so welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:58 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Hi Kenzo,

Thanks for the welcome and the insight. I found it very helpful.

I also have a question. Where is the help forum?


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2021 1:04 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 2 Exercises:

My Vision
I want to be a loving husband to a wife in the next few years and I want to share the rest of ‘my forever’ with her. No averting my eyes or forming other romantic relationships with other women. She belongs to me and I belong to her. It will be a marriage of compromises. I will sacrifice some of my desires for her and vice versa.

I want to be financially stable. This means owning a home that is paid off, not have any debt, and live on my own income.

I want a career that involves work that I enjoy. I want my career to be interesting. I want to have a passion for my career. I want to be proud of my work.

I want to pursue my passion for vehicles. I enjoy their function, different styles, beauty, maintaining them, and reflecting an owner’s personality. I want to enjoy every car I own.

I want to figure out my own interpretation of what spirituality means in my life. I want to know if God really exists, if that is even possible. I was a former Christian but my faith was shattered because it felt like going through the motions. I could not feel a connection between me and God. I became a Christian because I felt that I was expected to from my family.

I want to collect, use, and program calculators, particularly Hewlett-Packard calculators. I also want to create programs in multiple computer languages.

I want to be close friends with my current best friend who we will call P. I want to enjoy our friendship with cars and motorsports that we will work together with.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2021 3:47 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4097
Location: UK
Hello
Quote:
I also have a question. Where is the help forum?


the self help forum is here coaches and mentors jump in to support

but for wider general questions and comment (remembering that RN is not a base for chat)

is the community support forum
http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... 76615e3f86

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 17, 2021 11:33 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 3 Exercises:

List of my values
  1. Sharing a tight bond and vulnerability with a wife (U)
    1. Searching for a future wife (P)
  2. Financially stable and independent (U)
    1. Owning a house and paying off the mortgage (P)
    2. Never going into debt besides buying a home (P)
    3. Having 6 months of expenses saved as an emergency fund (P)
    4. Work a job that supports my lifestyle (P)
  3. Searching and working to a practical version of my dream job (U)
    1. Creating quality work as a team member at my current job (P)
    2. Strengthening my role as a coworker to the company I currently work for (P)
    3. Being interested in my career’s work (P)
    4. Being passionate for my career (P)
    5. Enjoying the work I do (P)
  4. Pursuing my passion for vehicles (U)
    1. Driving a car I enjoy owning (P)
    2. Maintaining and repairing my personal vehicles (P)
    3. Increase my understanding of how vehicles work (P)
  5. Searching to determine the role of spirituality in my life (U)
    1. Read a book on spirituality for 30 minutes daily (P)
    2. Understanding what a relationship with God really means (P)
  6. Pursuing my passion for calculators, computers, and programming (U)
    1. Collect calculators that are cool (P)
    2. Program projects for the HP 50g in sysRPL (P)
    3. Learn how to program a computer a programming language (P)
  7. Experiencing love with friends and family (U)
      Strengthening my role as a friend to someone named P (P)
  8. Miscellaneous (Universal and practical values that are not categorized)
    1. Creating and living my own identity (U)

C.
  1. Additional values from the examples values list that I want to add to my own list
    • Living with integrity
    • Sharing my true self with the world around me
    • Strengthening my role as a son
    • Strengthening my role as a brother to T
    • Strengthening my role as a brother to A
    • Being dedicated
    • Showing appreciation towards others
    • Being charitable, giving
    • Providing quality in my work
    • Establishing competence in my field
    • Being dependable
    • Being reliable
    • Honesty
    • Humbleness
    • Being considerate of others
    • Taking care of myself
    • Loving others
    • Being loved by others
    • Developing emotional maturity
    • Pursuing a career change
    • Creativity
    • Striving for excellence
    • Establishing financial freedom
    • Establishing a partnership w/ someone
    • Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
    • Physical health
    • Sexual intimacy
    • Sexual contact
    • Feeling sexually desired
    • Feeling masculine
    • Passionate about life
    • Developing sustained friendships
    • Being respected
    • Developing patience
    • Organization
    • Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
    • Financial stability
    • Avoiding conflict
    • Improving my social interactions
    • Accepting responsibility for living my life
    • Sense of accomplishment
    • Friendship
    • Self-discipline
    • Realistic
  2. Values from my compulsive behavior
    • Boredom
    • Beauty
    • Experiencing euphoria
    • Sexual fantasies
    • Desire for sexual intimacy
    • Escape from the real world
    • Desire for marriage/partnership
    • Desire for having children
    • Deception
    • Relationships with favorite fictional characters
    • Simulating sexual intercourse
    • Masturbation is ‘normal’
    • Curiosity


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2021 6:33 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 167
Hi Phoenix

Just to add my welcome to that of Kenzo. Well done for getting started on the workshop and for your progress so far. It's great to see you setting out your values, and I hope this is proving to be a positive experience for you. I was struck by something you wrote in your first post:

Quote:
However, a few days ago, I realized that I’m not participating in this workshop to simply quit porn. It’s about working to give my life depth, meaning, and direction. This gives me even more motivation to commit myself to change. So, I am feel more committed to change myself than ever before.

This is an absolutely key point. In 12 step groups, people talk about the con concept of sobriety. That can be helpful, but it can also be a very negative understanding - it defines my behaviour by what I am NOT doing rather than what I am actively putting in place. This workshop is all abut a journey towards living a healthy and balanced life - one that is built on the strong and firm foundations of YOUR values, not anyone else's. I'm really pleased to see what you've written, and I hope that you find what you're looking for through this workshop.

Keep up the good work and stay safe.

Tim


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2021 4:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Hi Tim.

Quote:
Quote:
However, a few days ago, I realized that I’m not participating in this workshop to simply quit porn. It’s about working to give my life depth, meaning, and direction. This gives me even more motivation to commit myself to change. So, I am feel more committed to change myself than ever before.
This is an absolutely key point.

I'm happy this caught your eye. Before this epiphany, my list of motivation was filled with negative motivation and focused on my compulsive behavior. Now that I have found a stable list of reasons why I want to change, I find it easier to make progress in learning the insight and skills that I need to apply to my practical day-to-day life.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2021 4:54 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 4 Exercises:

My prioritized list of values
  1. Searching and working to a practical version of my dream job
  2. Financially stable and independent
  3. Searching to determine the role of spirituality in my life
  4. Pursuing my passion for vehicles
  5. Strengthening my role as a friend to P
  6. Pursuing my passion for calculators, computers, and programming
  7. Searching for a future wife
  8. Creating and living my own identity
  9. Driving a car I enjoy owning
  10. Work a job that supports the lifestyle I desire
  11. Realistic/Practical
  12. Organization
  13. Improving my social interactions
  14. Strengthening my role as a son
  15. Strengthening my role as a brother to T
  16. Honesty
  17. Physical health
  18. Friendship
  19. Never going into debt besides buying a home
  20. Enjoying the work I do
  21. Strengthening my role as a brother to A
  22. Being interested in my career’s work
  23. Being passionate for my career
  24. Strengthening my role as a coworker to my current employer
  25. Having 6 months of expenses saved as an emergency fund
  26. Understanding what a relationship with God really means
  27. Maintaining and repairing my personal vehicles
  28. Collect calculators that are cool
  29. Program projects for the HP 50g in sysRPL
  30. Read a book on spirituality for 30 minutes daily
  31. Creating quality work as a team member at my current job
  32. Owning a house and paying off the mortgage
  33. Sharing a tight bond and vulnerability with a wife
  34. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
  35. Developing emotional maturity
  36. Feeling masculine
  37. Passionate about life
  38. Accepting responsibility for living my life
  39. Being dedicated
  40. Being reliable
  41. Being dependable
  42. Humbleness
  43. Providing quality in my work
  44. Establishing competence in my field
  45. Experiencing love with friends and family
  46. Being loved by others
  47. Loving others
  48. Increase my understanding of how vehicles work
  49. Learn how to program a computer a programming language
  50. Sexual intimacy
  51. Feeling sexually desired
  52. Sexual contact
  53. Taking care of myself
  54. Pursuing a career change
  55. Showing appreciation towards others
  56. Being charitable, giving
  57. Being considerate of others
  58. Being respected
  59. Developing patience
  60. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
  61. Striving for excellence
  62. Developing sustained friendships
  63. Sense of accomplishment
  64. Self-discipline
  65. Creativity
  66. Avoiding conflict


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2021 1:29 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
I have had another epiphany because of how much self-reflection this workshop is challenging me to do.

I asked myself the question, "Why do I get so irritated and upset when I let my friends use my stuff?".

My answer is that I am too selfish. My current perception is when my friends use my items, I am losing money because the item I paid for being used up by them.

But love is not selfish and love is a key value in my vision. So this perception needs to change.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2021 4:01 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 5 Exercises:

My top 15 values
  1. Searching and working to a practical version of my dream job
  2. Financially stable and independent
  3. Searching to determine the role of spirituality in my life
  4. Pursuing my passion for vehicles
  5. Strengthening my role as a friend to P
  6. Pursuing my passion for calculators, computers, and programming
  7. Searching for a future wife
  8. Honesty
  9. Selfless/unselfish
  10. Developing emotional maturity
  11. Creating and living my own identity
  12. Improving my social interactions
  13. Strengthening my role as a brother to T
  14. Strengthening my role as a son
  15. Organization


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 1:47 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 6 Exercise:

Proactive Action Plan: Searching to determine the role of spirituality in my life
Next steps
  1. Reading the book “A Ready Defense” for 30 minutes a day in order to answer the following questions.
    • How do I form a connection/relationship with God?
    • Any information to help me understand about the afterlife?
    • Other reasons for being a Christian besides avoid burning in Hell?
    • How does Christianity compare to other religions?
Expectations
  • This book will not have all the answers.
  • This book may raise more questions.

Proactive Action Plan: Financially stable and independent
Next steps
  1. Create a process to collect personal financial data on a monthly basis to compute the following
    • Net profit/loss
    • Expenses organized by category (food, rent, vehicle, insurance, etc.)
    • Total expenses
    • Total revenue
  2. Create and follow a budget. Use my financial data to track progress.
    • This will illustrate what wage/salary it takes to live the lifestyle I desire.
    • This enables me to establish and track financial goals
Expectations
  • This process will not measure everything perfectly
  • A blend of accrual and cash basis will be used for the sake of simplicity
  • This process will be refined over time


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2021 6:51 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 167
Hi Phoenix

Really pleased to see that you are continuing with the workshop. Keep on putting in the effort and the rewards will come over time.

I loved what you wrote a few weeks ago:


Quote:
I have had another epiphany because of how much self-reflection this workshop is challenging me to do. I asked myself the question, "Why do I get so irritated and upset when I let my friends use my stuff?".

A lot of the workshop is all about hard work and commitment, and to be honest it can be tough to keep going at times. So its important to recognise and celebrate those moments when you get an epiphany or a breakthrough. These kinds of moments are when your learning really makes a concrete difference to the way that you are living your life. Otherwise it's just a conceptual understanding that has no basis in reality. Your journey towards health is not just about giving up addictive behaviour, but also about dealing with all the behaviours and attitudes in the background that allowed compulsion to flourish in the first place.

Keep up the good work and stay safe.

Tim


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2021 5:34 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
Lesson 10 Exercises:
Note: I am posting exercises 1-3 because I think it may be useful to get feedback on, if necessary.

  1. Major lies that I use in my life
    • I lie to my family about my spirituality. I deceive them because I fear they will think less of me. I think the risk of coming clean is my family will love me less.
    • I lie about my addiction to everyone. I believe that nobody has discovered my addiction. I deceive them because I believe they will always see me as an addict for the rest of my life and that they will never fully accept me as a friend/family member/”good” human being. The risk of coming clean is I will be less loved by everyone I know because of my addiction and my deception. They will always see me as an addict, even when I achieve health.
    • I lie about myself. Some common examples are agreeing with the same opinion, doing something that they want but I don’t, and lying to avoid saying negative comments about people. I do this so that I can be loved and accepted by everyone. I also want to avoid any conflict between me and others. Risk of coming clean is I become who I want to be, miss out on “friendships”, and run into conflict.
    • I lie to myself. I lie that using my compulsive behavior is okay. Risk of coming clean is accepting responsibility and cannot “justify” using my compulsive behavior.
  2. I have never had a partnership in my entire life.
  3. I am not involved in any professional coaching.
  4. Items used for compulsive behavior
    • 1 pillow: In closet
    • 3 shirts: In closet in a box
    • My laptop: Sitting on my desk
    • Borrowed headphones: Sitting by my desk
    • Toilet paper rolls: Torn up in closet in a box
  5. People I currently use with my compulsive behavior
    • 4 women at work: sexual fantasies while falling asleep
    • The rest are various fictional characters: I use them for masturbation
  6. Places used for compulsive behavior
    • Bedroom: for masturbation and simulating sex
    • Internet: Stream and surf hentai/porn

This is a very important lesson to me. I believe this to be critical information in my recovery.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2021 5:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:59 pm
Posts: 17
I had a relapse recently and I wanted to share my thought process while relapsing.

I use the following reasons to justify using my compulsive behavior.
  • It will be exciting and fun (truth)
  • It will feel good (truth)
  • One more time will not hurt me much (lie)

Then, I use the following reasons to not take responsibility for relapsing.
  • I do not have the skills to manage my life without my compulsive behavior (truth)
  • It is not a perfect and straight line to health (truth)

At first, I thought that I was using deception to justify my compulsive behavior and to not take any responsibility for it. But 4 of the 5 reasons were truths.

Then, I think that I am not committed enough to recovery but I believe I am being sincere about changing myself with the help of this workshop.

Can I deceive myself by telling myself statements that are true? Or is my perception that warped? Maybe both?

Ultimately, I am struggling to understand how I can tell myself it is okay to act out but be committed to changing myself to achieve HBR. I know that I cannot choose both because they contradict each other.


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