Lesson 25 compulsive behavior that I struggle with
-Checking out women and occasional fantasy.
Checking out women and fantasy
- checking for women (watching Tv, driving, in the neighborhood, woman’s catalog in mail, in a restaurant, at work, on websites/adds/memes. )
- look at any woman that’s relatively attractive. See if I catch their eye.
- look at their body/chest/bottom
- knowing it’s wrong, I look away
- intensity to keep looking grows
- look again and focus on chest and bottom or any words if exchanged that are stimulating
- body starts to get tense, thoughts begin; one thought keeps saying look away another should I follow the woman and add to the fantasy, yet another thought do I really want to do this? I decide it’s completely wrong and tell myself I have to work on this behavior more. Although I have not acted out /masturbated in a year (approximately)which is good, I have to remind myself that just because I haven’t carried it out to fantasy and orgasm is not equivalent to my peace and happiness and I realize what I’m doing is wrong.
- bored/stressed/alone = wanting to dissociate and watch TV or use web on my phone
- while driving when moving my eyes from the face to chest and/or bottom of the woman
PoNR: if I don’t have a conversation with myself, distract myself or I give up and start minimizing my actions.
End of ritual: initially get a little discouraged, give myself a pep talk and think about the positive thoughts or decisions I made, refocus on the current task at work it home work for a few minutes,h and then decide to move on.
* not sure if I did the above correctly.